Exliana stared at the moon through the window of their cottage. Its light glossed over the room, the bunk bed, the two chairs and small table, and the wall to the changing closet. The splitting pain in her head was still as present as it had been after the battle yesterday morning, but that wasn’t why she couldn’t sleep. She looked down at the slip of paper she had in her hand. It was too dark to make out what it said, but she had read it so many times already, she didn’t really need to.
Dear Exliana Yuore,
I would like to extend my congratulations to you for being accepted into the magician training program! After putting up a great fight, you placed fifteenth, high enough to land you a spot in the program. You’ll be receiving your personalized uniform within the next three days, and the first class will begin in four, at the clearing where the competition was held. Once again, Congratulations!
- Queen Sylvetta Syleen
Sitting up abruptly, she rolled off of her bunk, landing silently on the floor. Before making her way outside, she glanced at Navarre. He was sound asleep, hugging the banner he had received after the contest like a child hugs a stuffed toy. Exliana felt a smile cross her face, but it didn’t last for long. Shaking her head, she opened the front door and went out into the small yard.
Sage Meru had bought the small wooden cottage so they would have a place to sleep. They very rarely did much else in it. Exliana had always liked where the cabin was—the third district was the least expensive, but as a result most of it remained wooded. Their own front yard still had trees growing in it, a wild side to the developed kingdom. Off a ways, over the treeline she could see the castle’s central tower, with a large silver moon floating above it.
Down the path passing her house, she saw light coming from another cabin. Her mentor was awake. As an archmage, Sage Meru could have afforded much better, but instead he had chosen to live in the third district too. Maybe because he liked the hands of nature grasping his property, or maybe there was another reason. Exliana looked away from his home and back at the moon. She didn’t want to see him, didn’t want to think about him.
“After putting up a great fight, you placed fifteenth.” Fifteenth. She had placed almost as low as possible to still be accepted, and she hadn’t even made it that far without Navarre saving her. A burning sensation built up in her eyes and rolled down her cheeks, and she kicked a tree trunk beside her. Falling to her knees, she began to sob uncontrollably. Pinching herself, closing her eyes tight, she desperately tried to stop the tears. She wasn’t weak, and she didn’t want to cry over being accepted. Even if I didn’t really earn my acceptance.
There was a hand on her back, and she didn’t want to turn around. She already knew who it was, and she didn’t want him to see her like this. “There is no need to cry, Exliana. You did exceptionally well,” came Sage Meru’s voice
“Not well enough,” she said between sobs. “How am I supposed to be the first archmage if I need help every time I get in a fight?”
“This was but one time, my student. Everyone needs assistance from time to time, even the number one archmage.”
Exliana tightened her hand into a fist, crushing the letter she hadn’t realized she was still holding. “Navarre has been saving me like that since we were kids. Since she decided it was fun to screw with me, cause I couldn’t do anything to fight back. He was always there, and he could always do what I couldn’t—shut her up without magic.”
“Exliana-”
“No. It’s true, Navarre has always been better than me, even without magic. He’s never even aimed for the top, and yet he’s always been there. And he won’t ever use his true power, so I’ll never be able to surpass him. I hate that about him.”
Sage Meru paused for a long while. “Have you ever considered that he’s done better than you all this time because he hasn’t been aiming for the top?”
Exliana finally turned and stared at Sage Meru. “I’ll let you think on that one.” He stood up and began to walk away, back to his own home. “He has given you a place in the program, but I assure you that you have more than earned it nontheless. Do well, my student, and make me proud.”
She watched him disappear into the woods, before looking down at her letter. It was just a crumpled ball of paper now, but it still held the same meaning. Opening it, she traced her finger along the words. “After putting up a great fight, you placed fifteenth.” Sage Meru’s final words returned to her, with a message far more unclear.
Exliana was wracked by sobs again, but she wasn’t sure she knew why.
*****
Stepping out from the changing closet in the corner of their cabin, Exliana looked over Navarre as he stood across the room from her. His uniform was a black leather tunic, black leather pants, and black boots. He was wearing the light blue banner on his back like a cape, as requested by the program. It simulated a level of regality, and Navarre appeared uncomfortable wearing such a flashy outfit.
Exliana herself was wearing a long black leather tunic like a battle dress, tall black boots, her black leather gloves, and black socks covering the full length of her legs. Around her neck was a bright red scarf with a hood on the back, a hood she didn’t intend to wear. “Personalized uniform is kind of an oxymoron, isn’t it?” Navarre asked with a smile.
Shrugging, Exliana nodded at the similar leather tunic. “I guess the real personalized part is the colored piece. Apparently every apprentice gets one unique to them.”
“Speaking of the apprentices...” Navarre started, clearly reluctant to say what was dwelling on the edge of his lips. “Maybe you’ve heard, but… she got accepted. Placed seventh.”
Exliana felt her lip curling against her will, and she bit down to stop it. “Yeah. I heard.” Navarre probably noticed the fist she was making, but it didn’t matter much. He would already be well aware how she was feeling.
“Ex...”
“It doesn’t matter. She’s nothing without her little posse.” With a deceptive smile, Exliana looked up at Navarre. “We’re supposed to be at the courtyard clearing in twenty minutes for the first class. We better get moving.”
Without hesitation, Exliana walked out the door, knowing that Navarre would follow. She could feel his eyes burrowing into her back, and she knew he was doing that obnoxious thing he did a lot. She never did like it when he worried about her.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hiya, Sheyren. Back again to review.
Small Comments
As Zoom mentioned, this description leaves quite a lot to be desired. I think you need to work more on the sort of...action and reaction in description. That's a bad way to put it, but it's all I can think of. My point is you can use description of one thing to reveal details about another. You can use the moonlight to show us more about the room. If the light sucks the colour from the wallpaper, or if it gleams white on the lacquered table, we suddenly have a better picture of the room's features - you've killed two birds with one stone.
This confused me. Don't they eat there? Live there? Is this not where they grew up?
Can you find a stronger verb here? Light blinked at her or winked at her, perhaps? You could scrap 'she saw', as well.
It seems odd to say that a burning sensation rolled down her cheeks - for some reason, the metaphor doesn't hold for me. Perhaps it's just too obvious that you're talking about tears. 'Her eyes burned and tears rolled down her cheeks' would work just fine in my opinion.
Try not to list the same descriptors repeatedly. Just describe the outfit and then say the entire thing was black. Moreover, try to keep away from these list-like descriptions; I always find them rather tedious, and it's never my favourite thing to find out the fine details of what a character is wearing. Keep it brief, unless the outfit is of particular significance.
Overall Thoughts
This chapter was definitely much more my cup of tea - less action-packed and focused more on character. It's good to see you delving more into Exliana's personality and emotions, and I'm pleased that Naverre's actions in the previous chapter are preying on her mind. There's still a ways to go, but I feel like I'm starting to get a better sense of Exliana and Naverre's relationship. Naverre isn't just more talented, but he's more at ease with his abilities. Exliana is so desperate to get up to his level that she tries too hard, and no doubt that frequently leads her to disaster. It's a believable contrast. I still want to see Naverre's flaws take shape, but Exliana's are coming into focus nicely.
You've integrated the mentions of 'her' about as well as you could've done this late in the story. It's a detail that would have been better included prior to the tournament, as it seems to lay some groundwork for Exliana and Naverre's dynamic. It'd have been a good motivation for Exliana, too, if we'd known she was competing against someone who (I'm guessing) bullied her in the past. It would explain why she's so desperate to prove herself. And why she doesn't want to rely on Naverre, given that she's clearly been very dependent on him before. Still, the enemy came up in conversation pretty naturally, and I am curious to see what role she'll play. I imagine they'll meet her soon.
Hmm, what else to say before tiredness drags me away? Be wary not to make Meru too much of a cliché. He's rather to type at the moment, this benevolent mage who doles out helpful wisdom and gentle encouragement. He doesn't feel rounded enough into a person, though I did like learning that he prefers to live in the third district. It feels like you're starting to find the original edges of your characters, but there's still quite a lot of work still to be done.
I probably could say more about this, but I really am getting incredibly sleepy so I'm going to draw this to a close. All in all, I enjoyed the chapter. It feels like we're getting to know the characters and learning a little more about their personal motivations, so you've taken a definite step in the right direction. I'm quite excited to see what happens when they meet all of their classmates - I hope we see some of the characters from the previous chapter again.
Keep writing!
~Pan
Thanks for the review! Glad to hear your take on the characters and see how it lines up with what I'm trying to portray.
As for fleshing out Meru, I'll definitely keep that in mind. I'm still trying to figure out how I'll make him more interesting, but hopefully I'll think of something sooner rather than later. Thanks again!
Hey Shey ^_^
You haven’t provided any characteristics of these furniture pieces, and I’m not a huge fan of this list format, either. Do we necessarily need to know that the moonlight is shining on a wall? Idk, just think you could provide clearer, meaningful imagery here. I know you opt for a stripped back, minimalist approach to writing (as do I), but there are moments like this where you really need to nail your prose, otherwise your readers will set the scene themselves, and you don’t want them to have that much free reign over your story. Also perhaps it would be better to actually show us where Exliana is in relation to this furniture? I’m assuming she’s standing by the window but idk for sure.
Don’t need this exposition here, I remembered this perfectly and I read the last chapter like two weeks ago. Also not sure about the word “at” here? Doesn’t feel correct.
,
Aha, see. The opening paragraph didn’t suggest this was her position.
LOL
Can I just say you’re really nailing the emotion here.
Really really liked the first half, not fond of the second. The first “maybe” kind of implies there could be another reason? This sentence would be stronger without the second half.
Falling to your knees is a tad cliché. I half expected her to scream “WHY GOD WHHHHYYYY”
But, I really like this set up here, how Ex and Nav both passed but in very different places. That’s going to create a whole bunch of fun later.
Oh interesting, bit of backstory. Wonder what happened!
Really like this!
I really like that you are giving attention to how Ex needs to grow as a character. I see this get overlooked so often but you’re really setting up the conflict between Ex and Nav and what Ex’s goals are.
So all black everything haha. My comment here is the same as the first paragraph, it’s too list-y and uninteresting. You can do a better job here.
Wait, so he’s royal now? Huh? Love that he has a cape though haha. Now I’m getting Fire Emblem vibes. ^_^
This exposition is extremely forced, though I love the concept that they all wear one coloured item. Now bring me my Fulgurmancer! #yellow
This she has come out of nowhere. Remember before the battle when I said you should probably spend more time leading up to it so you can set the scene? Might be a good place to throw in some kind of mention of this antagonist. In fact she should probably have been mentioned during the battle as well, since she now seems quite important? But saying that, I like the way you're using this unknown backstory to create a bit of mystery, that was definitely needed at this point.
***
Overall comments:
I liked this chapter! Particularly how troubled Ex is by how poorly she performed in the battle, and how you are using this to show us how she needs to grow as a character. It really feels like you’ve thought about what you want to get across with this chapter and that has paid off nicely.
Don’t really have a great deal more to say to be honest.
Time to read the next one!
-Zoom
Thanks for the comment! If I could have done this differently, I would have done of this backstory in a chapter before the competition, but too late for that. *shrug* Thanks again for the comments! I'll be sure to keep them in mind as I continue.
Yay, something to review!
Nit-picks:
I realise the warm sensation was tears but at first I thought it was like a warm feeling like happiness because that's how people tend to use that phrase. Maybe the tears could have been a burning sensation? Would fit better with the strong frustration as well.
Random change to present tense here.
Overall:
See this she, while I think you've integrated her extremely well into the chapter, I'm thinking if she's this important we should maybe have heard about her before then? Especially when Exliana was worrying about the competition, I feel like an intense rivalry would have come up.
In any case, I really enjoyed this chapter. I think Meru had some very wise words to say to Exliana and the only thing I'd maybe add is that even if she hadn't earned her place, she was in now, and she should make of it what she can. Meru pretty much did say this, but it was kind of in passing with "do me proud". I think it would have been a nice thing to focus on.
I really like that Exliana is worried about this stuff. It fits very well with her character, and the conversation about Navarre is a nice subtle way to tell us more about him. Just be careful that you don't end up with a cartoonish emotionally turbulent fire magic user and an equally two-dimensional calm and collected ice magic user, a chill guy, if you will. I'm not saying you have done this, just a warning because it's similar to something I've done myself.
Will be interested to see how the other competitors react to Exliana being allowed in to the school even though Navarre saved her. I have a feeling she might have some thoughts.
Hope this helps,
Biscuits
Thanks for the review!
Jeez, you're quick.I changed the warm sensation to burning sensations, as per your suggestion. And that tense change was cause I was stupidly role-playing in present tense as I wrote this!
She's lack of appearance is because, to be totally honest, I'm adding her in now as a way of fixing something I didn't like, and will be done better in the second draft. Once again, thanks for your input!
haha yeah i saw it posted in the people tab and was like yoink
and haha i actually guessed it might be something like that. that's what LMS is for, eh!