Navarre slid past the Caelimancer approaching Exliana on soles covered by ice, grabbing her ribbon before she had time to react. He watched the girl fall to her knees, and he faltered, looking twice at the ribbon he held. A glance at Exliana and her barely conscious body, and any pity he felt was shattered.
Circling around on his makeshift skates, he ducked down and lifted Exliana over his shoulder. Just one of her eyes remained open, and she was looking at Navarre with an unreadable expression. Navarre smelled blood on her, and his suspicions were confirmed when he spotted the gash on her head. Blood was welling in the wound, and Navarre could only imagine what reckless thing she had done to get it.
Navarre began to make his way towards the center of the clearing, where the banner flew on a pole about waist-height. No one had taken it yet, as most of the remaining participants were clashing on the outer edge of the clearing. The extra weight on him was slowing his movements, but he tried to skate forward despite it.
There had to be around sixteen left, right? Most of those still standing had realized they were likely to be accepted, and they were running towards the center. Now it was a competition of who would rank the highest, not who would get in. Navarre had the lead, but watched as his slowed movements dragged that out of reach.
Throughout the clearing, waves of scent slammed into Navarre. The signature smells of blood and fire, smells he would never not recognize after years of training with Exliana. The smells always exhilarated him, and if it wasn’t previously, the adrenaline was pumping through him now. A long pause of hesitation, and Navarre gently lowered Exliana back to the ground. She would be an easy target, but by now, at least she would get in.
Navarre returned his attention to the footrace in the center, refusing to look back at Exliana’s limp body. He began to sprint once again when a sharp taste hit his tongue, and a loud crackle crossed the clearing. The senses recognize lightning with more accuracy than one realizes until one has to recognize it.
A yellow band was around the boy’s forehead. His hands were sparking, and crawling up his arm were five ribbons of various colors. Navarre watched as behind him, two identical Silvamancers swung from the tree line on a thin but sturdy vine. One leapt off and used the other to launch as far as possible. As she approached the center of the clearing faster than the others could on foot, she had to pass by him. He reached his hand out, and while Navarre was still trying to track the girl’s movements, he delicately lifted the green ribbon off of her neck. About a foot past him, she fell to the ground, writhing as electrical currents pulsed through her body, before falling out of consciousness.
“High level Fulgurmancers can transfer extreme electrical currents with a mere touch. It’s so difficult that most Fulgurmancer archmages have historically been unable to, however, so I would be very surprised if you encountered one in the entrance battle,” Sage Meru had informed Navarre and Exliana.
The other girl—probably her twin—saw this encounter, and with a roaring scream, lunged at him. Pivoting on one foot, he placed his hand on her forehead, and she too fell to the ground, electrified from head to toe. He bent over and removed her ribbon from her neck as well.
“On the off chance we did encounter one, what should we do to beat them? Surely they have a weakness?”
The boy then looked up from his defeated enemy, looking around the clearing. Eyes meeting, Navarre felt a cold shiver crawling up his spine. Across the clearing, the boy was smiling as he stared at Navarre’s ribbon, his hands sparking wildly.
Sage Meru shook his head slowly. “Don’t get touched.”
Navarre pinched himself, pulling back into the competition. He spun around, taking in the clearing around him. Exliana, he noted, had had her ribbon removed at some point, and easy kill for some participant. The only remaining competitor besides Navarre and the Fulgurmancer boy was a lyecanth girl with large fox ears, a fox tail, and a brown ribbon tying her hair back. Had the situation been different, Navarre may have found a lyecanth in the kingdom surprising, but right now he barely even noticed.
She made eye contact with Navarre, having clearly realized the threat of the third participant. Two blinks. It obviously was a meaningful gesture, but Navarre only realized what the meaning was when she kicked the ground, and a wall shot up from the ground in front of the Fulgurmancer. Sliding through the sandy floor of the clearing, the boy stopped just shy of slamming into the wall nose-first.
Immediately realizing he had been targeted by the lyecanth girl, he sprinted towards her, hands bursting into electricity. She slid sideways, nimbly dodging his attacks. Placing her hands on the ground, a spiked gauntlet of stone clung to both. Twice again she blinked at Navarre, and he realized she was asking for his backup.
I could go for the banner right now, while they’re still fighting. It would be easy. He watched as the girl swung her fists wildly, more focused on dodging than attacking. As long as that fight is one to one, she’ll be too busy trying not to get attack, and won’t be able to land a good hit. He’s guaranteed victory.
With just a moment’s hesitation, Navarre skated through flying sparks, wiping the stinging sensation from his skin and kicking the boy in the back before he could react. Rolling back onto his feet, he lunged at Navarre, simultaneously ducking below a swinging stone mace. Navarre slid backwards, coming so close to taking a hit that he could feel the heat of the shock.
Spinning around abruptly, the Fulgurmancer nearly grabbed Navarre’s ally in the arm, but a solid kick from Navarre connected with his knee, sending him stumbling to the left of the action. Hopping backwards, he attempted to put some distance between them so he could catch his breath. Capitalizing on the Fulgurmancer’s weakness at longer ranges, Navarre ducked low and grabbed the lyecanth’s boots. A layer of ice encased the sole rapidly upon touch. This won’t be too much magic. It won’t be too much magic.
Seeing Navarre’s own skates melt, the girl realized Navarre’s plan and kicked the ground. A mound of stone emerged around Navarre’s legs, holding him in place but leaving room to spin around. He looked his partner in the eye, noting that the stone around her arm had grown much larger, and she was just barely supporting what had to be at least a hundred pounds. Navarre grabbed her uncovered wrist and spun around, dragging her on the skates he had made.
Three… Two… One… Now! He let go, and the built up energy sent her skidding across the clearing. By now, their mutual enemy had caught on to their plan and was rushing to close the gap. Unfortunately for him, it was too late. The lyecanth slammed her gauntlet into his gut, knocking him onto his feet. Tumbling down, she landed on his arms, restricting his hands. The stone around Navarre crumbled away, and he dashed forward.
The boy was struggling to break free, and it seemed to be working. One arm exhausted from the weight, she was losing her advantage over him. With a great leap, Navarre soared over the two, slipping his hand under the ribbon on the Fulgurmancer’s forehead and pulling it off.
The Fulgurmancer sighed in good nature before resigning. They had won. Slowly, the lyecanth rose to her feet, and Navarre’s eyes locked with hers. Both turned their attention to the banner still flying in the middle of the sandy hollow. Their former enemy, now very intrigued by the two remaining participants’ alliance, began a countdown. “Five. Four. Three. Two. One. Go!”
Navarre burst forward, taking the lead on his skates. A smile crossed his face as the gap closed between the banner and himself. Glancing over his shoulder, he saw the girl fall to all fours, galloping towards him. She seemed significantly faster, and the two were quickly neck and neck. With less than ten feet to go, Navarre attempted to summon whatever stamina remained within him. His hand reached out, as did hers.
Losing balance as he lunged forward, he was sent stumbling to the ground. Looking down at his hand, the end of the banner was within it. But looking up, the lyecanth was also holding an end of the banner. Deep breaths. There can’t be a tie. Somehow we’ll know who grabbed it first.
Then he saw it. From beneath his palm, the banner began to change colors. Its white hue grew tinged with the light blue symbolic of a Glacimancer, and he noticed that the lyecanth girl’s end of the banner was not turning brown. He did it. He won.
She smiled a melancholic smile, dropping her end of the flag and reaching out a hand. Navarre took it, and she pulled him back onto his feet. The Fulgurmancer was on his feet now too, applauding Navarre for his victory, and the girl for her defeating him. He seemed to not be even remotely disappointed at the loss, and Navarre respected him for that.
“I’m Luatia,” the girl said with a friendly tone. She seemed to want to say more. ‘Great job,’ or ‘Thanks for the help’. Something of that sort was resting on her tongue, but her exhaustion held the words in.
Navarre was probably as exhausted as she was, and he too couldn’t find more words than the basic greeting. As his adrenaline waned, he decided not to bother at all. “I’m Navarre.”
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Hiya, Sheyren! Sorry it's been such ages. I thought I'd take advantage of #revmo to finally catch up with this story.
Small Comments
I like that you've taken more care to include sensory description in this chapter, but I think that last sentence is unnecessary. It just seemed a bit convoluted and I didn't really get what you were trying to say until I'd read it about three times.
Is 'crawling' the most appropriate verb? It makes me assume that they're actually moving up his arms, even though I'd imagine they're actually just hanging from them.
Here, make sure you specify that 'him' is the Fulgurmancer, because I assumed you meant Naverre at first. This whole passage was a little hard to follow in terms of who was doing what.
You have a habit of expressing things in needlessly wordy ways, and I think you should make more use of middle voice. Middle voice is somewhere between active voice and passive voice. Examples:
Active voice: He broke the vase.
Passive voice: The vase was broken.
Middle voice: The vase broke.
Middle voice is great because it sort of turns the object of a sentence into an agent, which can inject a lot more purpose and life into your descriptions. Consider how the quote above would look if you changed it to middle voice.
Eyes meeting, a shiver crawled up Naverre's spine.
Suddenly, the shiver is not something Naverre merely feels, but something that acts of its own accord. While it may seem like a fussy, minor change, sentence structure can make a huge difference to the strength of your writing. It's a case of single snowflakes gathering into a blizzard, so don't overlook it.
I'm generally a bit uncertain about dipping into flashbacks too often, but you do it really well here. It's good that you do it bit by bit, splitting up Meru's and Naverre's dialogue with the unfolding events of the chapter. It really helps to build suspense.
It feels contradictory to say he barely noticed, because he's clearly taken the time to (a) identify her as a lyecanth, (b) describe her features and (c) note that her presence is surprising. The claim doesn't match up with the narration. You need to allude to her strangeness more briefly. Imagine if you had something like this:
The only remaining competitor besides Navarre and the Fulgurmancer boy was a lyecanth girl - surprise prickled through him at that; you didn't often see them in the kingdom - with a brown ribbon in her hair.
It's just an example, but in this, the shock of seeing her feels a little bit more like an aside. In your original quote, you dedicated a whole sentence to the surprise of her being there, only to then say he had barely noticed it. It's just a case of your claims not matching with the evidence. If you're worried about not describing her thoroughly enough, just try to weave information about her appearance throughout the rest of the chapter. It shouldn't be too difficult to mention her flourishing a tail or something like that.
This was quite confusing. It just seems like such an out-there and unnecessarily complicated plan considering that all they're trying to do is hit the Fulgurmncer in the stomach. Why doesn't Luatia plant her feet in stone and spin Naverre around? It seems like that would make much more sense, given that Luatia isn't exactly going to be an expert in navigating on makeshift ice skates. I didn't get why they had to swap elements the way they did.
Can you show this intrigue? Is he leaning forwards already, looking between them with a keen expression? Let us learn about his interest from his body language, not from us being told.
Overall Thoughts
So, I was right in predicting that Naverre would swoop in and save Exliana, and while that's not a bad thing to happen, I always prefer for something more unexpected. I'd quite warmed to the idea of Exliana actually losing while Naverre progressed, but I can see that it wasn't to be. Still, I'm hoping for some interesting fallout from Naverre saving her like that. I don't think it's going to be that easy for Exliana to realise that she made it through more because of his intervention than because of her own merit. I wonder if that will make things difficult between them, especially given that Naverre has gone and won the whole tournament.
The fight scenes in this chapter were generally well-choreographed. I and my fellow reviewers have both mentioned the part with the ice skates and Luatia trapping Naverre's feet in rock - that was definitely the most cumbersome and had to follow bit of the fight, but outside of that, things were pretty clear. I do still feel like these fights lack a physicality however. Because it's fantasy and these characters can withstand a lot more damage than a real person could, I can see why you might not dwell too much on the physical feelings of a fight. But I think the writing needs it. You barely ever address the pain of impact or the sensation of exhaustion or the driving tension and ache in Naverre's limbs, and it just creates the impression that these characters can withstand anything. I want to feel the fight more.
You have done a better job with sensory description, though, by mentioning taste and smell and sound a lot more. Just make sure you integrate it. Don't think you need a paragraph for smell and a paragraph for sound - just slip the imagery in throughout, and it'll make the writing richer.
In a lot of ways, I found this chapter more exciting than the last few. Even though I don't know Naverre nearly well enough to really relate to and care about his victory, I am rather intrigued by the Fulgurmancer and hope to see more of him. I like his deft ruthlessness on the battlefield and how it contrasts with how sportsmanlike he is when he loses. He seems like he could become an interesting character.
I assume Luatia is going to be pretty important, as well, though I have less of a sense of her personality than the Fulgurmancer's. I'm sure we'll get to know her better in the coming chapters - there's probably an interesting backstory there, given that she's of a race that isn't commonly seen in the kingdom. I hope we have some slower instalments to come, because I think we need time to learn and explore the characters and see how they interact in a much calmer scenario. Dialogue reveals personality, and there's never much opportunity for it in a fight scene. I think we should've got to know Naverre and Exliana much better before we saw them in the tournament, but what's done is done for now, so make sure you spend the next few chapters fleshing them out.
Anything else to say? I don't think so. There was a lot of good in this chapter, but I'm a character person more than an action person, so it's never going to be fully to my taste. It's becoming clear to me that I'm probably not the intended audience for this story, as I don't typically go in for this type of elemental and battle-focused fantasy. Still, that's all the more reason for me to keep reviewing. If you can win someone round who doesn't usually favour the genre, you'll know that you've cracked it.
Keep writing!
~Pan
Thanks for the review! I only have time right now to skim it, so I'm gonna take a closer look at this whole thing when I get a chance. However, I did see at the end that you're a characters person over an action person, and that I have to win you over. So, challenge accepted.
For a second I thought this chapter had to be like 5k long then I saw the review below xD I can't promise to be quite that thorough, but hopefully what I do say will be useful!
Nit-picks:
"watched" seems like slightly strange phrasing, as if he's standing still and seeing it unfold before him.
The jumble of he's and she's here started to get confusing because I wasn't always sure when a "he" meant Navarre and when "he" means the guy with the electricity. I could deduce it, but it was still kinda distracting.
So, a moment ago, he noted that she would be an easy target, but at least at this point probably In. Would that not be the moment he noticed she was missing her ribbon? As far as I can tell it's the ribbon or lack thereof that determines whether you are in or out of the competition, so if he was making the statement that she was in, surely the first thing he did there would be to check for her ribbon?
Overall:
I think the first thing I want to mention is that the fight scene was quite confusing. Well, not the whole thing, mostly the bit with the three of them at the end. Navarre being pinned down sounds bad but then suddenly he's moving and it was all part of their plan. I'm unsure how you would go about making this less confusing, other than maybe making the plan itself a bit similar or more intuitive.
The alliance itself is also confusing, at first. Well, actually no, in a way it still is at the end. I'll try and explain what I'm thinking. First of all I'm wondering why he would be teaming up with one of the other competitors. I guess I'm thinking in a Hunger Games mindset here and yes, while Rue and Katniss is a thing, that was very special circumstances and this is different because these people want to be here and have been training for it. It'd be like competitors from districts 1 and 3 beating up to take down 2 or something like that. Surely they just want the glory.
What I then realise is that it's actually a lot friendlier than that, so alliances are nowhere near as inconceivable. The question then becomes why this particular alliance. They are fighting one on one, seemingly evenly matched, so it's not like he's saving the vulnerable one. And it's not like the guy is a bad guy, as it turns out, so unless it looks like he's particularly nasty at first, this seems a bit arbitrary, hence confusing.
This last thing I want to suggest is a personal preference. Where I thought the last chapter was going was that Exliana was going to be out of the tournament. Both that and what actually happens are both perfectly interesting, and actually interesting plot is definitely one of your strengths. But my expectations at the end of one chapter were set up for one thing and then a different thing (Navarre swooping in to save her) happened. Again, this was a cool thing to happen, but I think it might be a good idea to hint Navarre at the end of the last chapter. Not even necessarily him, just a fuzzy shape coming towards her so we know that there's more to the scene than her losing.
As for stuff I liked, I'll just sum this all up in one paragraph since you probably don't need it explained too much since you're clearly already good at that. You have compelling plot, which is always a difficult skill to do well in. You have interesting characters, both the ones we are in the mind of (who are already distinct personalities) and the ones we're just introduced to during a battle scene, which is never easy to get personality across in. You even manage to work long italicised thoughts in relatively elegantly, which is something I've seen a lot of people not do super well at this LMS, so good job!
Hope this helps,
Biscuits
Thanks for the review! I've got an idea for how to make the battle less confusing, which I've noted for another draft in the future. As for why Navarre chose to help, I had a line about him feeling that the Fulgurmancer didn't need to walk away with yet another ribbon on his arm... But I removed it, for some reason. I'll have to look at that again. Anyways, thanks as always!
Ohhh okay, that would totally have been enough!
Hey Sheyren,
Glad to see another chapter published.
I love this opening sentence. I love how minimalist you were with detail yet how I could perfectly envision what was happening. This shows that you trust your readers. He made himself ice skates. Deal with it. Also I like how this has switched to Nav’s POV at such a great, sensible moment. It reminds me of the first Avengers movie when one avenger’s fight sequence would link to another’s.
Again I really liked this. Great job making his pity fleeting and not disruptive to the scene. And the use of the word “shattered” was spot on here, because it has a subtle connection to his ice powers. Word choice can be so powerful.
Whoa, he’s strong. I guess she is smaller than him but this is a considerable feat of strength ^_^ all that training paid off huh? And he’s able to smell blood? Are Caelimancers and other elementals stronger / more enhanced than regular people? Are there even regular people in this world? Sorry if this was mentioned before, I would just like to know this context for going forward. Also I think there is a slight issue with the order of this paragraph. Once he has swung Exliana over his shoulder he wouldn’t necessarily be able to see her expression or check her wound? Once you state an action or event happening, it’s awkward to mention something that could only have taken place before it. Perhaps you could kinda fix this by Nav carrying her in his arms instead? Idk, I’m sure you’ll figure something out.
I have a logic issue. I’m not sure I buy his reasoning for carrying her towards the banner? You mentioned before in 1.1 that the contestants aren’t trying to kill each other, so surely he could have either left her where she was or quickly stashed her somewhere more reasonable? Or even built her a quick ice dome (probably an overuse of magic lol) or just something less dangerous than carrying her to the most critical point of the entire stage? It’s okay if you want him to make a bad decision on purpose, that’s completely fine. I just want to buy it. Was he overwhelmed by the urge to protect Exliana? I needed a hint towards his justification for doing something so dangerous. Everyone is making their way towards the banner at this point so Exliana would have probably been fine where she was.
*looks over shoulder* Are you talking to me? Try not to engage readers directly (I guess it could work with some writing styles but that doesn’t appear to be what you are going for). I want to stay immersed in the story, I want to not exist until I put the book down ^_^
Yellow is my favourite colour. I really liked this imagery. I liked how you immediately introduced him as a tough competitor by showing how many ribbons he’s already nabbed. This is another example of how you are not going overboard with details and just letting the story tell itself. I liked the imagery of his hands sparking. This was just really cool haha.
If I was really nit-picky (and as you know by now, I am), I’m not fond of the word “crawling” because it implies movement, when the banners are probably stationary. I understood what you meant the second time I read this sentence, but the first time threw me off track because I was expecting something to literally be crawling up his arm. Not a big issue though.
Oh dear god this guy is good.
Omfg he’s whitewashing the entire competition.
This was amazing! I have goosebumps. I enjoyed the teachings of Meru subtly resurfacing. You balanced this really well, which isn’t easy!
Where is she and what was she doing? I feel like she should be finishing someone off just so it’s believable that she hasn’t interacted with them or the banner yet.
I like how the sparks have less stun when it’s not a direct hit. Nice little detail there.
This took a few reads before I understood what happened. At first I thought he was completely backstabbing her by encasing her feet in ice, and that she then retaliated by encasing his legs in rock. But now I understand that he was just making her skates, and then she encased his legs in rock so that he could plant himself enough to really swing her forward. Perhaps it would be simpler if she just raised a mound of rock underneath one of his feet so that he could use that to push off and swing her? That would have a much clearer intent, and then you wouldn't have to worry about freeing him later in the story.
Again I have a slight logic issue, because I’m doubting how ice skates would allow someone to shoot across a sandy clearing like this, there would be too much friction? When Nav was doing it, I assumed that he was constantly producing ice from his feet—so basically he was making an ice track for himself so his skates could slide along at the same time. That would make sense? But now I’m not sure that’s the case, because Nav made the lyecanth skates of her own and she obviously cannot create an ice path. And it would be harder for her to slide along because of the 100 pound gauntlet arm thing.
The way I suggest to fix this is either change the surface of the clearing so that ice skates can actually slide across it, or write in a workaround using the magic system itself. So as I said, Nav could be creating an ice path through his feet . . . and perhaps the lyecanth could . . . turn the surface into . . . marble . . . or something, haha ^_^ You get the idea.
Aww that was so cute haha. That’s really surprising in a good way. You’ve set him apart from just your typical bad guy by making him a respectable loser (well, if third place is even losing). Very nice.
Omg this was brilliant. Great way of revealing the winner. And this means there are other forms of magic, if the banner has been enchanted to act in this way. Interesting.
Not sure you can drop her name in if she hasn’t introduced herself yet.
Me too, me too.
***
Overall comments:
This chapter was so good! I thoroughly enjoyed it. Your imagination when constructing fight sequences and utilising a complex magic system is perfect for stories like this. I love the trust you have in your readers to understand what is happening without overcomplicating.
That moment when you introduced the Fulgurmancer and then Meru’s teachings were echoing in Nav’s mind at the same time, it was just so intense. And I love how this wasn’t a brutal battle as such, and there were elements of teamwork. And how the Fulgurmancer took his defeat so well. He’s my favourite character already, 100% I really hope he has a big role in this story. And I’m really interested to see where things go with Luatia, it was a huge deal that Nav forged an alliance with her within this contest without even knowing her. I guess that they were already in the top three so it didn’t really matter as much, but why did he want her to come second? It was so intriguing that he made this decision to help her, but I don’t understand why? He could have easily taken the banner while they were fighting. Why did he specifically believe she deserved to come first/second rather than the Fulgurmancer, who obviously took out more people than they did and fought harder for it? I'm not saying you need to justify this within chapter 3, but I really hope this subject comes up later so we understand this decision.
There’s so much I can’t wait to learn about this story. I’m guessing the next chapter(s) will be an introduction to the academy ^_^
I’m waiting for the next tag!
-Zoom
Thanks for the review!
Thanks again for the review, and I look forward to using your comments on future drafts/chapters!
As for your question of whether there are normal people in this world, yes, there are people without magic and there are people with very limited magic. And yes, the Fulgurmancer will be an important character.