Shhh.
Do you hear?
Listen closely.
Now?
"I hear rain..." You boredly yawn.
No child, no. Listen closer.
Still unamused?
Listen closer.
"Shhhh" The water sings.
"I don't hear it." You sigh with disdain.
Stop, child, stop. Open your eyes.
Open your ears.
Open your heart.
Close off your mind before it closes you.
Listen to the song of Heaven.
"Shhhh." The water sings.
"Take a deep breath, open your eyes."
"Forgiveness is where freedom lies."
"Drink of the water, a fresh glass of life."
"Hopelessness will surely die."
"Come to the well, come to the well."
"Forget all sense of brokeness."
"Come to the well, come to the well."
"Let the Living Water truly cleanse."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Timmy here for a quick review!
Ok, so this was an amazing poem, truly. Your idea is so wonderful, and your title! Oh, your title is so amazing! Its what made me go click and read it!
To me it seems like it is someone finding God, at least it seems that way. Being cleansed of his/her old self and becoming a new man... Correct me if I am wrong, but that is what I got from it! Especially in this line, "Let the Living Water truly cleanse."
Living Water is capitalized, which means to me that it is a place, or a thing. Not just an idea. Let me know if I came close to the mark or not.
I have a few littttttllllleee nitpicks, so here we go!
Now I know that poetry is kinda free style, but wouldn't that whole part look a lot neater without all of those quotation marks, starting and finishing each line? What it you made the parts where people are talking in italics? Which would do the same thing, but in a neater fashion. Just an idea.
I think that sums up my short nitpicks! This was an amazing poem, with an amazing story inside. I hope you write more, cuz this was awesome. I gave it a like.
~Timmyjake
Hi there, first of all, welcome to YWS! Just a quick review here.
Your poem is amazing. I like the monologue/dialogue in the poem, though in the end it was a bit overwhelming. Your poem use a lot of symbolism that is often associated with spiritual. Like the water is believed in nature to clean / purify something. While it is also very synonym with religious ceremonies.
The break line also good to bring effect to the poem. Especially the way the reader read the poem loudly and noticing that it has a natural stop/pause at some lines. Just a little comment on the last part in the poem. I think there is no need to put too many punctuation there. I liked the monologue/conversation in the poem like you did on the first part. But here, it makes me feel a bit distracted by the flow of the poem. Maybe by adding some description on the child's expression would be working better to the poem.
Anyway, it just my view, it's up to you to write the poem with your own way(that you think might be better to convey the meaning/purpose behind your poem).
Overall, I really enjoyed reading your poem and I hope to see more from you soon! Happy writing
Hey Shea!
I'm a little bit confused with what is going on in the this work but I really love the personification in the poem! I quite like the one person speaking kind of nature to this as well, seems slightly like humour but not enough to spoil the mood of it.
One thing that I notice is the huge amount of speech marks, if you are going to end a sentence immediately followed by more dialogue by the same person it can all be enclosed within the same speech mark!
Nice reading this!
Heh, yeah, that happened somewhere during publishing. I haven't figured out how to edit via mobile yet (I wrote this on an iPod) so I've not been able to correct the structure. It's supposed to flow like an ordinary poem, but apparently you have to add two spaces in between lines for it to work. Haha.
The case with the quotation marks also became confused during publishing (Any idea why it does that?) because, as each line of the poem went on, it was supposed to be multiple 'random' sentences of the 'song'. Despite being connected to look as one song. I... really have no idea how to explain that... It sounds better in my head. Oi. =p
I do appreciate the comment and tips though! I promise to edit this as soon as I get on my laptop. Maybe then it will seem less confusing? And if it does, I'll work on revising it a bit more via your suggestions. Thanks again! =)