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You, You - It's All about You

by ShapeOfVoid

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210 Reviews

Points: 14468
Reviews: 210

Sun May 03, 2020 1:28 pm
whatchamacallit wrote a review...

Hello ShapeOfVoid, I'm here to review your poem!

You do a very good job of portraying this situation, which many people have experienced. What's the fine line between being encouraging and supportive, and being inconsiderate and self-centred, as a parent?

My main critique of this poem is that it feels, well, a bit like prose. You don't have any rhyming, imagery, or noticeable meter, and the dialogue seems to be dialogue that is meant to be taken literally. I love it, I'm just not sure that it's poetry, per se. It feels more like a script, or even something that could be made into a short story. Both would be very interesting options to explore, I think.

I just have one spelling nitpick:

"-it would let me die in piece,

piece here should be peace.

As a whole, I enjoyed reading this, your dialogue was very realistic and accurate, and I found the italicized thoughts to be very touching. Really my only criticism, as I mentioned above, is that it doesn't really feel like poetry. (But then again, poetry is quite subjective, so if it feels like poetry to you then you can of course leave it how it is).

Well done! I hope to read more of your works in the future! I hope this was helpful, and if you have any questions, please ask!

Keep writing!


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20 Reviews

Points: 71
Reviews: 20

Sun May 03, 2020 12:11 pm
Draculus wrote a review...

It surprises me how unfamiliar I am with a situation like that. As a teenager, I also would have something like these conversations with my parents very often. Way too often. But still, I've always hear from them how proud they are and that I am the best child of all, just as well as I'd say they are the best parents. What we would argue about used to be a simple disageement and misunderstanding, and I must say that after those quarrels I'd feel betrayed, disappointed in myself as my parents would make me guilty when I wasn't, I'd cry and tell myself that I would do what I consider good for me, no matter what parents say, because they are bad parents. A normal teenager, though.
But you know, there were situations in my life when I'd tell myself quite the opposite. It'd happen when I saw or read something that shows a family with really awful parents who don't care for their kids, who make them suffer, who like doing it. Somethinf like the poetry above. You might think, "What is this guy doing? Confessing?" I think I am, indeed, but all these words were inspired by the writing above. Strong thing, family conflict is, indeed. From time to time, something in the world reminds me of what great parents I have. While everyone in my class would complain about their strict moms and dads, I would be proud of mine because they let me stay at home for two extra days, even more than that, they asked me not to go to school and gave a rest. While everyone would say that they parents make them take part in cleaning our classroom as our teacher and headmaster require it, I would be proud because my parents know law and would never want me to do a job which a cleansing manager is supposed to get paid for.
So, aside from saying how interesting and important the author's idea was, I need to thank them for reminding me once again that sometimes what we complain about is not bad at all, we just need to suppress out ego and see the truth. Qarrels over a clothing style are nothing compared to "It isn't enough".

Now the review itself. As you can see, the poetry above made me think about things that I usually try to avoid thinkg about. Which I consider good. Then, the author managed to express the strong feelings of a child who is not... how to say... respected by her parents. Her best is not the best for mom and dad, her interests are not interesting for them either. It seems to me that the author is also familiar with the situation, because only the one who's been through all this can speak of it with such an accuracy. I'd also call it poetry, because for me, poetry is something that expresses one's feelings and opens up a soul. This poetry, in spite of having no rhyme or a specific form, is a poetry.
Keep on writing, dear author!

Sincerely yours,

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