Hurting ‘Sweet Past’
The wind is clashing against my body, as I fly in my Avenger. Yes, it’s really like flying without wings. Whatever happens next let it stay. It’s just me and my Avenger for now. Yeah, this is a kind of adventure, to find my lost past.
Brooklyn Bridge, it’s not only bridging the two land strips (Manhattan and Brooklyn) across the East River, but also, my broken thoughts. There is really an invisible chain, which links me, The Brooklyn Bridge and Him. He was the Love of my Life. He was the keeper of my Thoughts. He was the Protector of my Soul. But, it’s been months, since, he left me all alone.
I stopped my Avenger at the place where I was heading to. This is the place where, I feel near him. This is where, he first taught me to ride a bike (his Black Yamaha). He’ll be sitting behind me and will be holding his hands over mine, when I was trying to control his Yamaha. I’ve to agree that, time is fleeting really fast. Once, he was with me as my breath. But, now he’s far away from me.
The Nature has started revealing its wonders. Yes, the stars are shimmering over the dark floor above. The lovely moon has risen over its invisible throne. The lights in distant buildings are leaving their colorful shadow in the waving water. The breeze is passing over me. In spite of my hardships, I feel an eternal peace here. Because, I still feel him beside me, holding my hand.
Nothing is left in me of his reality. But, he can’t easily take away my memories and mind photography of our past moments. Whatever happens, I set him free. If he’s meant for me, he’ll come back to me one day. Till that, his memories and the ride over Brooklyn Bridge will be enough to keep me alive. I smile back at the twinkling stars above me and left with humming of my first song for him…..
When I first rode your bike…..
I turned the keys to the green…
You held your hands over mine.
The metal bars supported my feet.
And yes, I’m ready for the flight…
I accelerated him…yeah, I made him move!
I chased your voice to keep him alive!
Every little distance, we rolled and crossed,
The more you made me feel like a child!
Shielded between your arms,
Molded in your chest,
I felt myself within you!
The sky of Night is smiling at me,
The road of Love, lengthens to infinity,
Let it be you, let it be me
Rocket to the place, which reaches eternity!!!
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140,122 Literary Works • 673,030 Reviews
Hi, Shakthi! Mage here to do the promised overdue review!
So let's get to it, shall we?
This was beautiful and full of emotion. The descriptions you provided were amazing, and the poem inside the story, as other reviewers have said, was ingenious. The grammatical errors I spotted were mainly related to commas and one or two oddly written phrases.
I would suggest changing the comma after "Bridge" to a semi-colon, and getting rid of the comma after "also". I loved this part of the story.
This sentence doesn't need any commas.
There are several problems with this. First off, the starting sentence is written oddly. I would suggest changing it to something like, "He was sitting behind me and holding his hands over mine, while I was trying to control his Yamaha." The second sentence sounds awkward to me. Finally, you don't need a comma after "But".
"The" isn't needed.
You don't need a comma after "Because".
My favorite paragraph in this piece would have to be the one about the night sky. The image conjured by that description is breathtaking and amazing.
Keep up the awesome work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! Have a great day/night!
Thanks for your great review Mage!
I'll do my best in correcting my mistakes...
And those commas, I'll do them often wherever i feel, a pause to be needed. I cant help using them most of the times. But i'll try to put them on most necessary places..
And, thanks again Mage...
Happy writing..!
You're welcome! Happy writing too!
Greetings from a fellow Indian
to 
First of all, Your story is congenial and enjoyable. Each line augmented my curiosity .
# The usage of "Avenger" for transferring one's visual scene from place to place is very brilliant and makes it easier for the reader to visualize your feelings towards "Him".
#Brooklyn Bridge-connection is nicely written.The invisible chain provokes readers to think that we are actually living in a well-constructed matrix .
#Sentences like "He was the Love of my Life","He was the keeper of my Thoughts","He was the keeper of my Thoughts","He was the Protector of my Soul" make us think about the degree of your relationship
#The moments you described when you were with him on the bike,They are capable of making a reader feel the intensity
My suggestions:
1) Instead of "clashing" , You can try words which mean forced disagreement like dispute,disagree etc.
2)"Till that" can be replaced by "Till then" for a more time-related sentence.
Well,It's pretty good. Your style of writing has a lot of potential and you are very talented!
To sum everything up,It was a ride from
Keep writing!
Hi suryavegata..!
First a Thanks from a fellow Indian as you said...(A friend, might be better)..!
I'm happy to hear that you've liked my work. I'll consider your suggestions and my work better next time...And, soon I'll come up with my another work for your review...
Happy Writing till then Friend...
Hi suryavegata..!
First a Thanks from a fellow Indian as you said...(A friend, might be better)..!
I'm happy to hear that you've liked my work. I'll consider your suggestions and my work better next time...And, soon I'll come up with my another work for your review...
Happy Writing till then Friend...
Hello, Abhipsa here for a review
To start with, it was amazingly written. Everything - the scene and the emotions of the protagonist are so well described. One can actually feel the emotions in between the lines. There is also a poem at the last. A poem within a story is an unique and wonderful concept, which makes your work all the more entertaining.
Now coming to the cons (Unfortunately, one cannot avoid them during a review) - there are three things I would suggest you to consider and work on, if you feel like.
First of all is the first line - "Clashing of the wind". This somehow doesn't sound well. Though you have wanted to describe that the wind was sharp and harsh, the word clash doesn't actually seem to fit in. Perhaps you could make it something like - "The wind was like a whiplash against my body"? Or "The wind was like a sharp, cold knife tonight"?
Next is this line from the third paragraph -
"Whatever happens, I set him free"
This sounds a bit odd and if one doesn't understand the emotions, grammatically incorrect too. Something like "Then I had decided to let him go, no matter whatever happens in the future" might work better.
And the last thing is the phrase "set me alive" also doesn't fit in. Maybe you could replace it with "Set a strong will in me to be alive" or "urged me to be alive"?
Overall, it was a superbly written story.
And best of luck for the contest!
Keep writing and delighting your readers!
Hi Abhipsa..! A thanks from Shakthi, for reviewing my works and pointing out my mistakes...
The thing is, I use to write things, the way I feel them. In this case, I sometimes run out of grammar...that's where this errors usually occur.
I'll correct them for sure...
And, I'm really glad, that you liked my work.
I'll meet you with my next work then...
Happy writing Friend..!
Sure! And it is really a good thing that you can describe the emotions so well!
Thanks..!
Hi there! I really found this interesting.. I like story and it's saddening atmosphere of the missing piece in the main character's life. I also like the informal, almost humorous tone "yes, it really is like flying without wings" made me laugh. Furthermore, the idea of the bridge of broken thoughts is quite a nice link.. I like how this bridge not only links destinations but people together.. maybe linking onto the next part of the story? Moreover, the song is really nice too "shielded between your arms" was something that stood out to me - lovely.
One thing I would improve... you use capital letters unnecessarily... "was the Love of my Life" or "protector of my Soul"... I just thought it wasn't really needed, the words didn't really need to be emphasized.
Also you've said "holding my hands" - should it be "holding my hand" ?
Other than that -well done- this is really awesome
A great thanks first of all for reviewing my first work...I feel excited..!
And yeah, I'll correct my mistakes. Thanks, for pointing them out. That will help me better in my further works...
And, I'm used to this capitalization thing, whenever I feel them to be included...Anyway, I'll try to correct them...
I'm glad that you liked my work.
Thanks and Happy writing Friend..!