HIDDEN STORY OF MINE..!
I close my eyes to feel my lone…
But, then I realized, that I’m nowhere alone!
In the midst of my sleep, you came like a dream,
In the midst of my dark, you came like a beam,
In the midst of my walk, you came like a shadow,
In the midst of my sky, you came like a rainbow..!
I’m nowhere alone…really
You stole my eyes and made it yours!
You froze my heart and kept it yours!
By then,
My heart…it started beating for you…
My eyes…they started looking at you…
Just You..!
You became my joy…you became my strife!
You became my move…you became my life!
And it’s just you…
You started possessing me,
Like, you’ve just owned me.
My worries…they went hidden!
My past….it went unknown!
My tears…they went ignored!
And you…were there ‘stable’ for me!
Oh, but this is not the end,
When I started realizing me..!
It’s not me… and just not me…
My seconds and minutes, they’re not mine…just yours!
My hours and days, they’re not mine…just yours!
And this is not my life…you took it off..!
My dreams…you conquered them!
My attitudes…you changed them!
My freedom…you stole him!
My loneliness…you wiped him!
And me…this isn’t me,
Absolutely this isn’t me…
This is not your fault, but I’m yours for no more.
Ba..i..by you love me, who is ‘not me’ anymore..!
I love(d) you like the hell!
You possessed me like your own!
Which isn’t true for anymore…
Ba..i..by I’ve to go, to chase my dream..!
I’ve to go…back to be alone..!
I miss my lone friend…yeah, you’ve to give him back!
And you…you’ve to BE YOU!
It’s time to say adieu…
Ba..i..by, I’m going to miss you with this bend!!
But this is what my Destined End!!!
Good Bye…Ba..i..by..!
And just BE YOU…..
~~~~~Our Love will stay forever in the grave of my memories..!~~~~~
---A. S-B
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Canary word: Present
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125,016 Literary Works • 672,852 Reviews
Hello, Shakthi! Mage here to do the long overdue, promised review! I'm so sorry for taking so long to review this! So, let's get to it, shall we?
Since the other reviewers have gone over the mechanics of your work (I agree with their comments), I'll talk about the meaning. From what I can interpret, the narrator loves the person they were in a relationship with. But that person has taken what they believe to be an essential part of who they are. They want to be independent like they were before the relationship. This is why, despite their fond memories for the time they spent together, they're ending the relationship.
I haven't read a poem like this before, and I really enjoyed reading it. Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! Have a great day/night!
Thank u...
You're welcome!
'Ello, it's Cello, here for a review!
Let's start with punctuation. First I'd like to focus on your ellipsises (An ellipsis is three dots ... ). You use them constantly and carelessly. An ellipsis implies missing text, whether in a formal quote or in dialogue, this is just about the only use for it.
"I don't know where he is. He said he was going outside but..." She trailed off, looking at her feet.
The character speaking had more to say but she chose to leave it out. That's one reason to use an ellipsis.
Ellipsises can be used to shorten quotes too. It can turn "This beautiful house, which is filled for many cherished memories for me and my entire family, for we lived in if for many years, was built in 1843 by Jack Jackson and his colleagues," into a shorter quote like "This beautiful house [...] was built in 1843 by Jackson Jackson and his colleagues." This is where ellipsises are participially helpful in essays.
Now, there are a few more ways to use an ellipsis but I'd like to keep this review simple and move on. You shouldn't be using ellipsis how you are in your poem. Comma's would do you much better.
While on the topic of punctuation, I'd like to touch on your use of exclamation points too. The golden rule of grammar is to only use one punctuation mark at the end of a sentence. You get a period, ellipsis, question mark, exclamation point, or in some cases a comma, but never two. Many times in your poem you use an ellipsis/exclamation point hybrid, which I would not recommend, as it looks very unprofessional and sloppy. To be honest, I would drop the exclamation points altogether. You're not shouting this poem, are you? It's a relaxed, calm read. Don't try to make it otherwise.
I'd like to touch on this section of your work too. The first metaphor makes sense. The second one is a stretch. Although I understand that you're going for 'beam of light', to make this clear you have to say 'beam of light'. There are other types of beams. I know you're thinking 'well, she got the point. It's fine how it is,' but what if another reader doesn't catch on? Don't make your readers assume, explain it. It you're worried about breaking the rhyme scheme, I wouldn't stress, and you have many places in your poem where you don't rhyme. It won't be a big deal.
Your wording gets sloppy in quite a few places in your work (these are just a few examples). I'd like to suggest that you go through and read it aloud, changing what doesn't make sense.
Keep up the great writing!
-Cello
Thanks for your review...
This is the poem which i wrote 2 years back. And this is the first poem i ever wrote in my life. I know it has its own flaws. But still i just wanted to reproduce it in he way i actually wrote...
But thank you so much for pointing my mistakes...
Happy writing friend..!
Hey, yo, Shakthi! Strange here on this early Friday morning and I have a review for you!
I have to clarify this when I give a less than favorable review. I don't hate you, the poem, nor life. Life is kind of good right now. I only offer critique and possible ways to help you. I apologize if you don't agree with what I have to say, but that happens sometimes. There's no way from preventing that.
I wasn't really into this. Now, there's nothing wrong with your feelings or how you feel or anything like that. It's how you portray it and the route you go. You chose rhyming, praise, and all these things that are not only expected, but predictable. If you want to impress the reader, that's not the approach you should take. Let's get more in depth, shall we?
Feel your...what? It possibly could be my ignorance, but I have no idea what lone is. Going on from that, "nowhere alone" isn't the correct phrasing, I don't think. I understand the point you were trying to make, but at the same time, you could have chose some different wording. I have no idea, since you have to find something that rhymes, but yeah, no, this doesn't feel right.
Your repetition kind of works? At the same time, not at all. It's bland, hopeful, but not in a good way. False hope to the point where your happiness fails to extract any from the audience. It's like, "yeah yeah yeah I'm so glad" but nobody can relate to it.
Once again, no sense grammar wise.
It's kind of sweet, but the same time, the false hope bogs it down. Combine that with the rhyme, it's like you're saying the same thing over and over. If I could offer a suggestion, calm down that factor of it a little bit. Maybe add some more "artsy" and interesting decisions.
EXORCISM, POSSESSION, STOP IT, AHAAH
This made me laugh. It sounds like you are playing a basketball game against the subject of the poem, they just dunked on you, and you say "Wow, you just owned me!". Once again, this line makes no sense.
Now the tone has changed, which was something I didn't quite expect, but I give you props because it wasn't predictable. You still make some questionable line choices. Just read this section aloud. It all fumbles over each other. It becomes less of a cohesive poem as it goes on.Yeah, sure, the message is still prominent but it doesn't help the fact that poem wise it's struggling.
I'm going to wrap it up right about here as the lines of the poem start to blend together near the end. Overall, the hope is so overwhelming that it weighs the poem down greatly. Along with rhyme and stylistic choices, you have room to grow. A lot of room. Take what I have said, if you do want to, and have fun with the poem. That's the only thing that matters.
Keep writing and stay grooovy!