z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence Mature Content

Before the Dragon - 1.2

by Shady


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.

Jerica turned her attention to the girl. She was sobbing and looking at Jerica with wide, terrified eyes. Her shirt was ripped in three places to the point that it barely covered anything and there was already a bruise forming across her throat. Jerica felt even more rage bubble up in her; righteous indignation. But she forced it down. For the girl’s sake. “Are you okay?”

The girl shrank, whimpering and sobbing harder.

That hurt a bit, even though Jerica knew this moment wasn’t about her. It was about the girl. She needed to be the focus – not Jerica’s hurt ego of being viewed as a monster. Especially since she was about to do something monstrous. As soon as she verified that the girl was okay. “You’re okay. You’re safe now. I promise.”

The girl looked at her fearfully, desperately trying to pull her shirt back together. Jerica shrugged off her own tunic without a second thought and held it out to her. “Here, put this on.”

The girl stared at her with wide eyes, scandalized, and shook her head.

“It’s okay,” Jerica insisted, pressing it into the girl’s hands. “Please. Put it on.”

The girl nodded fearfully and started to put it on.

Jerica glanced at the rest of the tavern. Her buzz was completely and thoroughly ruined now, though she still felt uncoordinated and fuzzy. The crowd blurred together as they all stared at her in silence. Rek had stopped playing.

“Look away—” Jerica started to say, trying to give the girl some privacy to get the shirt on and also some privacy for herself. She had on a skimpy undergarment that covered her chest, but left her muscular abdomen bare, revealing scars she’d rather keep covered.

Before she could finish her command, however, a hand clamped down on her hair and yanked her back savagely. She ripped herself away and whirled around – straight into a massive fist. Jerica staggered backward, nearly falling.

The man spat profanity at her as he advanced swiftly. Well, it seemed swift in her drunken state. It was hard to say how reliable either of their senses were in that moment. Jerica caught her balance before he could get to her, though, and ducked under his fist when he swung at her again. Instead, she plowed her shoulder into his abdomen, driving him backward.

He fell over a barstool, breaking it as he toppled to the ground on top of it.

Jerica caught a glimpse of motion to her left and whirled around. Another man was charging towards her with a bottle raised over his head; greasy, stringy hair in his face. She braced, trying to decide whether to dodge or lean into it to keep him from making a solid connection. Her entire head throbbed from the last blow that’d landed.

“Ah-ah!” Akeno was between them in a flash, dagger drawn and pointed at the man. “One at a time. If you want your ass kicked, form a line and she’ll get to you next. But you’re not ganging up on her.”

Jerica glanced at him, grateful for the interception.

The man hesitated, then muttered a curse and swung at Akeno. He blocked the man’s arm with practiced ease, taking the bottle from him and tossing it away. He clearly had that threat under control. Jerica glanced over at the girl and saw Rek with her, so that was under control, too. She was safe. That left Jerica with one job.

She stalked towards the man as he picked himself up off the ground, grunting and cursing loudly. She didn’t give him a chance to fully recover before she swung on him again, making him stagger backward again. She advanced.

The man caught his balance faster than she expected and dove towards her, clamping his hands down across her throat and crushing her trachea. She coughed. He squeezed hard, slamming her into the wall. Her entire head rang and her eyes watered. Jerica clawed at his hands, but his grasp was true.

She choked.

He smirked, revealing his bloody teeth. He spat at her, spraying blood and spittle and beer onto her face. His breath reeked. She grunted and got her leg between them, then pushed off him as hard as she could, forcing him backward and breaking his grasp. He dropped her. She fell, coughing too hard to gather herself up.

He stumbled backward and it sounded like he broke more things, but she couldn't be sure. She was too focused on picking herself up off the ground and finding her balance, trying to clear her swimming vision. She swayed to the side, turning a glower on the man right as he staggered to his feet as well. Her entire body heaved for breath.

Jerica rushed forward and swung on him as hard as she could, catching him squarely in the jaw. He grabbed a fistful of her hair and dragged her after him. She jerked away and hit him once – twice – three times more and then—

She yelped despite herself when he grabbed her leg and hefted her in the air over his head. She tried to claw at his hand, but his grasp was like an iron clasp, and she didn’t have the time to pry herself loose before he body-slammed her into a sturdy wooden table. It collapsed, the legs falling off from the force of her bodyweight. She coughed loudly; all the air knocked from her lungs.

The man advanced on her, attempting to stomp down where her head had been moments before. She rolled to the side in the nick of time and kicked him in the face, hard. Her boot connected with his nose, making him stumble backward, spewing profanity and blood. He tripped over his own feet and toppled over.

Jerica managed to get herself to her hands and feet and scuttle over to him before he could gather himself up. She was gasping for air but knew she needed to finish him off before he had the chance to recover. She tackled him and pounded him in the face with her fists over and over and over.

He bucked, managing to get her unseated from his abdomen. He rolled on top of her and wrapped her in a headlock. She coughed and struggled in his grasp, clawing at his meaty hand. He had her right where he wanted her. Her vision swam.

Still, a flicker of motion caught her attention. A moment later, past the tears and hair in her eyes, she got a glimpse of Akeno leaning down in front of her face. “Want a hand?”

“No,” she spat, angry, but the word came out a bit strangled. She elbowed the man in the side, making him loosen his grasp ever so slightly, though not drop it entirely. Her pride wouldn’t let her admit she could use help. “I’m fine.”

“Alrighty.” Akeno stood and took a step backward, crossing his arms as he watched with a furrowed brow.

“You dumb b—” the man holding her tried for an insult, but she used his distraction to thrust her entire bodyweight backward, breaking his grasp. She was on him in an instant, the battle raging on. 


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Sun Mar 26, 2023 7:58 am
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IcyFlame wrote a review...



Welcome to... Can Icy get through all these parts as part of Review Day?
Realistically, probably not. I'm going to have a good go though!

That hurt a bit, even though Jerica knew this moment wasn’t about her. It was about the girl. She needed to be the focus – not Jerica’s hurt ego of being viewed as a monster.

I think this is one of those show don't tell situations. It felt a bit on the nose to me to be telling the reader that Jer doesn't want to be seen as a monster. We get an idea of it here but I think it's more an idea you could develop over the next few chapters without ever having to actually tell us it's a thing!

The man spat profanity at her as he advanced swiftly.

So here I couldn't work out whether it was the same man she'd pulled off the girl or someone new entirely?

She yelped despite herself when he grabbed her leg and hefted her in the air over his head. She tried to claw at his hand, but his grasp was like an iron clasp, and she didn’t have the time to pry herself loose before he body-slammed her into a sturdy wooden table.

I'm being entirely too picky here but 'leg' is a half-rhyme with 'head' and 'grasp' rhymes with 'clasp' so I felt for a moment like I was reading a fight out of a dr seuss book xD

The interaction between Jer and Akeno is excellent - like he's concerned about her but he trusts she can hold her own and doesn't intervene. I love how this sets up the two of them!

I wonder if it might help to give either the girl or the man a name at some point. I found myself a bit more detached whenever the terms were mentioned (and I was struggling to work out who the man was).

Part three lets goooooo!




Shady says...


I'm being entirely too picky here but 'leg' is a half-rhyme with 'head' and 'grasp' rhymes with 'clasp' so I felt for a moment like I was reading a fight out of a dr seuss book xD


Oh goodness xD

The interaction between Jer and Akeno is excellent - like he's concerned about her but he trusts she can hold her own and doesn't intervene. I love how this sets up the two of them!


<3

I wonder if it might help to give either the girl or the man a nam at some point. I found myself a bit more detached whenever the terms were mentioned (and I was struggling to work out who the man was).


Fair! They are quite honestly just plot devices xD I don't currently have any plans for them coming back after this so didn't want them to seem more important by giving them names and then entirely ditching them, if that makes sense?



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Wed Mar 01, 2023 10:38 pm
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dragonight9 wrote a review...



Hi, I was expecting the man to be down for the count but now we've got a whole bar fight to deal with.

I love the way you described this fight. You took the time to really immerse your reader and it shows.

I myself find that I tend to overexplain how a character feels or strategizes between blows in a fight, but you had a pretty good balance that kept the fight going in my mind while also providing detail.

I liked the reoccurring mention of the character's balance and drunkenness because it can be easy to forget in all the action.

I also liked how the other men at the bar targeted Jerica since it has been established that she isn't well liked. Same goes for how the girl reacted. It really cemented her reputation in my mind. Though because of her reputation I wasn't expecting this to be as close of a fight as it seems to be.
I have no doubt she'll win in the end but if she needs help it could either imply that it's because she is female and thus weak (not what I think you're going for) or it gives a hint at the power scaling of the world. (Even professional killers are not that much more powerful than the average person)

The only part I felt you may want to explain a bit better was paragraph 3.
"She needed to be the focus – not Jerica’s hurt ego of being viewed as a monster."
I could kind of tell what you were saying here but it wasn't immediately apparent. Mentioning her hurt ego and her being viewed as a monster seem like two separate things but it felt like you combined them here. It might be better to focus on one then mention the other in a separate sentence. Or if you were using the ego to describe the view of her being a monster then maybe come up with a new way to explain it.

"Especially since she was about to do something monstrous. As soon as she verified that the girl was okay."
I think you meant to put a comma instead of two separate sentences.
Also, I think it may have been better to have her comment to the girl right after this on a new line (but that's just me).

The only other spot that might have been improved was this line:
"The man advanced on her, attempting to stomp down where her head had been moments before. She rolled to the side in the nick of time..."
You didn't need to mention in the previous line that her head wasn't under the man's boot at the moment of impact since you immediately make that clear in the next line. It kind of ruins the momentary suspense of the man being about to stomp on Jerica's head.

Other than that, this was a great chapter. I was a bit surprised that you didn't end it with the fight's conclusion, but it could be a crucial beginning for the next part. It also helps the reader have a launching off point in the next chapter so it's not a bad thing.

After seeing this I can already guess you're going to take your time helping us get to know your characters and world in depth and I applaud you for that. It can often be hard to develop your characters and you want to rush to the big points in the story rather than linger on one scene. It's something I missed when writing my own book so good on you for that.




Shady says...


Though because of her reputation I wasn't expecting this to be as close of a fight as it seems to be.
I have no doubt she'll win in the end but if she needs help it could either imply that it's because she is female and thus weak (not what I think you're going for) or it gives a hint at the power scaling of the world. (Even professional killers are not that much more powerful than the average person)


Don't worry, she's going to win without help lol but she's drunk and 5'8" and he's like 6'6" and built like a tank so it's scarcely a fair fight haha didn't want her to win too easily, you know? But you are correct, far be it from me to imply she's weak, she's anything but.

I was a bit surprised that you didn't end it with the fight's conclusion, but it could be a crucial beginning for the next part. It also helps the reader have a launching off point in the next chapter so it's not a bad thing.


Haha yes that's exactly what I am doing xD the fight wraps up quickly in the next chapter part, but I figured ending this part mid-action would add more suspense and make it more compelling to make people want to read on. But it's very near done ^^

Thanks so much for the review! Your feedback was very helpful and I will certainly address those issues you brought up, I agree with you fully on your critiques. I should get the next parts posted in the next few days to relieve you of the suspense lol



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Tue Feb 28, 2023 4:11 pm
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Carina says...



FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT




Shady says...


glad u enjoyed lol u wanna be added to the tag list or nah?



Carina says...


sure! i'll do my best to follow along



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Mon Feb 27, 2023 1:31 pm
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yosh wrote a review...



Hey Shady. I have returned. Don't really have much to say so . . .

That hurt a bit, even though Jerica knew this moment wasn’t about her.


So Jerica saved this girl, and the girl seems a bit scared of her. Jerica seems a bit miffed by it, which adds on to the idea that she has insecurities about how people view her.

But back to the girl, I do wanna know more about her. I'd love to get a few descriptions about the girl, like how tall she is, what she looks like. We mostly got some elaboration on the terrible things that happened to her (and her clothes), but this is a perfect opportunity to know a little bit more about the girl.

He fell over a barstool, breaking it as he toppled to the ground on top of it.


Ouch.

Also, I'm loving the fight so far! She's drunk (and so is the attacker probably lol) but Jerica is still putting up a fight.

Also.

Abs.

“Ah-ah!” Akeno was between them in a flash, dagger drawn and pointed at the man. “One at a time. If you want your ass kicked, form a line and she’ll get to you next. But you’re not ganging up on her.”


Thank you Akeno! Of course, I'm not really sure about him bringing a blade into the fight, because now people won't just be defeated, they'll be killed.

Also, what exactly does he mean by 'Ah-ah'? Is he like saying Uh-uh, as in like no? Not really sure, but looking back, it doesn't seem like something easy to describe.

It collapsed, the legs falling off from the force of her bodyweight. She coughed loudly; all the air knocked from her lungs.


When I first read this I thought her legs fell off o.O

If it were me, I'd clarify that they're table legs lol

“You dumb b—” the man holding her tried for an insult, but she used his distraction to thrust her entire bodyweight backward, breaking his grasp. She was on him in an instant, the battle raging on.


That cliffhanger should be illegal.

I have to add that I'm very thankful for the censoring. It's refreshing to read more . . . violent-ish stuff without all the profanity.

And I've just now been thinking about the title. I haven't seen any dragons yet, but I can only assume that this story takes place in a medieval setting? I don't think it's been explicity mentioend, but the fact that no one pulled out a firearm is a pretty good hint.

Anyways, thank you for giving me the opportunity to review this!

-yosh

eggo isn't actually eggs




Shady says...


So Jerica saved this girl, and the girl seems a bit scared of her. Jerica seems a bit miffed by it, which adds on to the idea that she has insecurities about how people view her.


You are once again 100% correct on that haha

But back to the girl, I do wanna know more about her. I'd love to get a few descriptions about the girl, like how tall she is, what she looks like. We mostly got some elaboration on the terrible things that happened to her (and her clothes), but this is a perfect opportunity to know a little bit more about the girl.


That's fair! She's admittedly a plot device lol like she's not a character who becomes important outside of this scene but you are correct I could add more descriptions to set the scene better.

Also, what exactly does he mean by 'Ah-ah'? Is he like saying Uh-uh, as in like no? Not really sure, but looking back, it doesn't seem like something easy to describe.


Yep, you got it ^^ it's hard to spell grunts xD I think my brain makes 'uh-uh' sound more like you're confused or have a question like 'uhhhh' where he's doing the stern ah-ah-no you don't grunt lol

When I first read this I thought her legs fell off o.O

If it were me, I'd clarify that they're table legs lol


xD okay valid yes that would be a very bad night at the bar hahaha

That cliffhanger should be illegal.


aww <3 honestly, your quick reviews will (hopefully) lead to a resolution soon xD I have been struggling with writer's block and thought may be if I posted these and got some reviews then it might fuel me to press on, and that seems to be working so far.

I have to add that I'm very thankful for the censoring. It's refreshing to read more . . . violent-ish stuff without all the profanity.


I... will admit that Jerica has a bit of a potty mouth xD so there will be more profanity later on. But when it's easy to censor like it was here I try to reduce as much as possible ^^ good to know it's appreciated!

And I've just now been thinking about the title. I haven't seen any dragons yet, but I can only assume that this story takes place in a medieval setting? I don't think it's been explicity mentioend, but the fact that no one pulled out a firearm is a pretty good hint.


Oh oops, yes, this is a medieval setting. The dragons admittedly don't come in right away lol but yes think like swords and archers and candles and such. No indoor plumbing or electric or firearms, etc. I'll try to do better about setting the scene more in the future ^^

Thanks again for your reviews! They really helped spark my interest in picking this project back up <3



yosh says...


I have been struggling with writer's block and thought may be if I posted these and got some reviews then it might fuel me to press on, and that seems to be working so far.


Good luckwith your writers block! It can be a pain to break fs fs

Thanks again for your reviews! They really helped spark my interest in picking this project back up <3


Glad I could help! The story is really good!




For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.
— Audrey Hepburn