Jerica groaned so loud she woke herself up. Her entire skull felt like it was split open and three sizes too large as the blood pounded through her temples. She felt terrible. She sighed heavily and cracked an eye open. Akeno was asleep next to her, arms wrapped around her and pulling her close to his chest.
He stirred, not opening his eyes. “You okay?”
“Yeah,” she croaked, turning away from him to reach her nightstand. She grabbed a bottle of pain reliever and took a dose, cringing at the bitter taste, then downed most of the cup of water she had next to her bed. “Hungover.”
He chuckled, sleep still thick in his voice. “I bet… those dance moves don’t come sober.”
She snorted but smiled. Then immediately sobered when the motion sent a twinge of pain across the side of her head. She settled back into bed, gingerly reaching up to touch her face. Oh. The barfight. Of course. That would explain why she felt this terrible. Alcohol never did her this dirty on its own.
Akeno sleepily snuggled closer to her. “I’m sore, too. Although… wait.” He lifted his head. “There was… a fight. Two fights? Are you—”
Jerica glanced at him.
“My gods!” He gaped at her for a second, then gently reached his hand out and brushed his fingertips across her cheek.
She cringed – and immediately regretted that, too. She needed to not have any facial expressions, it seemed. She took a deep breath, settling further into her pillows. “That bad, huh?”
Akeno winced and nodded. “It’s… pretty gnarly, yeah.” He snuggled into her chest, throwing his arm over her abdomen. They laid in silence for several long moments, the only sounds their soft breaths coming in unison. After a while, Akeno spoke again. “… What are you going to tell him?”
Jerica took a deep breath and then sighed, closing her eyes. “… I don’t know.” She was silent for a long moment. “The truth, I guess.”
That was easier said than done. If it were a bruise on her arm or abdomen or something she could hide, then she could explain the situation to Derik first and not spring it on him. Give him a chance to get used to the idea of an injury before he saw it. As it was, he’d be worried before she would be able to get any sort of reassurance out.
“Mm… want me to come with you?” Akeno offered, even though they both knew the answer already.
She shook her head, eyes still closed. As much as she hated the politics of the castle, she still had to play them as a niece to the king. Even attempting not to participate was, in itself, a political statement. Akeno held a fair bit of influence as a General, but he wasn’t of noble lineage and there were limits to his authority. It was safest for everyone if he stayed out of Royal squabbles. Which this was almost guaranteed to turn into.
“Okay,” he said, planting a kiss on her cheek. “… It’ll be okay.”
She sighed and opened her eyes. “It will… and it’s probably time, huh?”
He shifted to be able to look up at her face, then nodded once they made eye contact. “Yeah… seems about like breakfast time.”
Jerica sighed again and then forced herself to roll out of bed. She glanced in the mirror and winced at the view. She’d been hoping Akie was being melodramatic about the state of her face, but, well… he wasn’t. The bruise took up the better part of the left side of her face and her eye was mostly swollen shut at this point. She looked horrendous.
“It’ll be okay,” he comforted again, striding up behind her and rubbing her shoulders. “Just get it over with.”
She grumbled under her breath but nodded and wandered over the dresser to get dressed for the day. Before long, they were ready and on their way. They parted ways on the second-floor landing in the stairway – her heading to the Royal Dining Hall and him heading downstairs and outside to the barracks for breakfast.
Jerica took a moment to compose herself outside the doorway of the Dining Hall, then took a deep breath and pushed the door open. She put her hand in front of her face as she did, to hide the bruise as much as she could. Her eyes flicked towards Derik’s seat and her stomach sank a bit as she saw him already seated.
He glanced towards her with a grin. “Good m—” His expression fell, concern replacing the excitement on his face.
“It’s not as bad as it looks,” she got out quickly.
Derik was on his feet in an instant. “What happened?”
“I’m okay,” she reiterated.
“What happened?” he demanded again, striding towards her briskly. “Let me see. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” Jerica assured him, reluctantly lowering her hand as he stopped in front of her. She knew better than to resist when he started fretting like a mother hen. Best to let him get it out of his system. She offered a weak smirk. “You should see the other guy.”
His concerned scowl didn’t so much as twitch as he gently turned her chin from side to side, inspecting the bruise.
She grimaced, sobering as she realized all attempts at humor would fall flat. “But for real, I’m fine, Derik. I—”
“Whew!” Rek whistled as he strode through the door. Jerica glanced at him. “He got you good, huh?” His eyes fluttered to Derik, then widened, then flicked back to Jerica. “I-I mean,” he stammered as he sobered and tried to save himself. “… What happened?”
End of chapter
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140,265 Literary Works • 673,077 Reviews
Yes I'm approximately 100 weeks late and had to scroll back through your wall posts to actually find this thing because I couldn't see which of the many BtD folders in your portfolio contained it and I didn't know if it would still be in the Green Room... it's early, I'm only just having coffee,,, let's read.
Also full disclaimer but there is a 50/50 chance I’m going to accidentally reference an earlier draft thinking it’s this version. However, I am currently reading fantasy with vibes like BtD so I like to think I’m doing my homework.
The slow waking interaction with Akeno was sweet but I’m confused, because he was around last night so had he not seen her face already? Or is it just that it’s morphed overnight as it’s started to heal? He seemed more shocked at the state of her than I would have expected, that’s all.
I also get the vibe in this one that she’s more comfortable with Akeno and their relationship in general. She seems less commitment phobic, just based on this early morning interaction.
Rek is once again one of my absolute favourites. It’s hard to judge him based on his entrance in this draft though because I’m already his greatest fan from last time so please bear in mind I’m very biased xD
I’ll see myself out, and come back in a reasonable time frame for the next part. I have no clue if this was helpful!
Icy
I take my reviews very seriously, but that doesn't mean you should. I am, as you are, just another aspiring artist seeking to create life from pen and paper, and everything I have to say is a matter of opinion, so please use my review as insight. This is also not an editorial, I don't like to nitpick specifics, but rather provide my honest, but perhaps biased, reviewal of your wonderful work!
- a general overview of my impression taken from your work -
Spoiler
- what immediately stands out when reading this piece -
Being that this is a singular, short chapter in a novel, I choose to harbor my first impression instinct to a basic sense, otherwise it would be unfairly used.
But, I will say that it was a smooth read, and the first thing that I took notice of was your pacing! Character movement, dialogue and internal thought is all VERY well spaced. Wonderful to see! And arguably one of the more difficult aspects of storytelling to acquire!
- is there too much or too little of anything -
Nothing of report here
- a look at the writing style, grammar, rhetoric and verbiage -
Spoiler
- how consistent and connected is the prose -
Properly paced rhetoric is GOLDEN when it comes to novel writing. If I can read a page, without remembering I read a page because my brain shut off and just enjoyed the words, then you're doing a wonderful job.
But it seems you have fallen prey to the disease that is such a writer's curse, which is the overuse of too many pronouns as interjections and conjunctions. I'm referencing the number of times you use "he" "she" "they" etc. While it doesn't disrupt the flow, or distract from the story, it does become very dull, very quickly, and for those that indulge in very serious reading, starts to taste like oatmeal when what they're hoping for is apple pie. Feels a little "under baked" if you catch the meaning.
A wonderful tip I was once given is "sentence flipping." Simply going through your writing, finding duplicate uses of the same or similar conjunctions and interjections and pronouns, and applying the binary rule of use, then can't use, then use again, always helps! Challenge yourself to find a way to write the next sentence or the rest of the sentence without using these overbearing words, and generally the solution will result in something even more fluid and scrumptious than before!
- is the choice of words and grammar effective at delivering a vision, rather than just words -
Your command of adjectives, adverbs and verbs is refreshing. Nothing too crazy, it's not a Jules Verne novel after all, but it's highly accurate and believable which is most important.
I want a little more, though. Keeping pace is of utmost importance, and not ladening down your paragraphs with unnecessary verbiage (like I do because I'm addicted to fancy words) is of course necessary, but for much of this chapter I feel like I'm being told what I'm seeing, not so much being shown. Her face looks horrendous? I mean, I have an imagination, I'm sure I can decide for myself what that would be like. But this is not my story, and I am eagerly waiting for the narrator to provide some small little gifts of additional vibrancy.
- notes on the completion and believability of the piece -
Spoiler
- is the information/story creditable -
I rarely drop five stars...because I'm addicted to perfection haha. But!! I'm giving it on this specific note for the fact that the overall pacing of action and dialogue is GREAT! Whenever I write or review writing, namely story telling, I ask myself "is this actually how it would happen" and that includes each small action, movement, thought or whatever it be made by the characters. Too many writers forget this, and simply skip from one large moment to the next, but spending the few seconds to write in the tiny, seemingly unimportant things they do or don't do turns them into believable characters.
Job well done! This alone makes me look forward to reading more!
- how vibrant and rich is the picture being painted -
As mentioned before, the small lack of additional information and description dulls the scene in a slight manner, but it is made up by the strong "human-like" nature of the characters and their interactions. I absolutely LOVE having no idea who these characters are, reading a tiny chapter, and instantly being able to sense the quiet and loving care Akie has for Jerica, and the overbearing brotherly instinct Derik shows. As well as the independency Jerica has, or wishes she had.
I mean...I hardly read a page or two, and I've instinctually picked up on these things without being told, but simply by observing a very natural feeling scene.
Again, job well done!!
- an insight into the impact your work creates on my mind and my emotions as I seek meaning and purpose in the words -
Spoiler
- was I impacted in any way by this piece -
It's my first step into this world, so I can't say that there was much opportunity for my mind to be impacted by anything major, so nothing positive or negative to say here.
- did I find any subtle or hidden messages that caused me to think beyond -
But here, nestled in your attention to realistic detail and human function, we find the little hidden thoughts. Is Jerica shy, or embarrassed? Is Akie sarcastic, or highly attentive to the needs of others and seeking to relieve their mental turmoil? Who knows...I don't, yet, but it's these small things that make up the larger nature of a story and I am always excited to have these questions answered!
- R33SE
Thanks so much for the review! I%u2019ll reply in more detail when I get home from work later, but it definitely made me smile reading through this and was very helpful as well!
One quick note, in case you get to the second part before I reply fully, is Derik is her uncle who has basically adopted her at this point since she lost her parents young. That was mentioned in chapter 1, which is context you%u2019re missing haha the other important context is that Rek is Derik%u2019s son/Jerica%u2019s cousin but they%u2019re very close and basically act like siblings. Also Derik is the War Lord (head honcho of the military) and in charge of both her and Rek in a professional capacity as well as personal lol
Overall, though, I%u2019m very glad that the extremely brief interactions you%u2019ve read so far portrayed them exactly like how I hoped
Oooh okay, that context answers all my questions haha! I'll definitely run back and read the first chapter through before I continue on with chapter 2!