Hey all! This is a poem I wrote in a rush (so don't be too mean! 
) It was for Science - we're studying the human body. Sorry if any information given here is incorrect (I'm a writer, not a scientist!) Hope you like it!
White Blood cells:
Prepared for battle
Ready for attack
These cells fight diseases
So that they never come back.
Engulfing foreign material
They digest it, and fast.
For with those infections
Our good health won't last.
Phagocytes fight, while
Lymphocytes create
Antibodies to protect us
before it's too late.
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Shadow!
Obviously, I’m not going to be too serious when reviewing this—it is, after all, a poem about white blood cells! I love seeing things like this, though: lighter poems that don’t try and carry enormous emotional baggage. Honestly, I think there needs to be more blood cell poetry out there.
Obviously you don’t need to be enormously critical when revising this little piece, but it’s worth revising since it’s worth reading. You want it to be memorable, so your rhythms and rhymes need to be spot-on. And since they need to be spot-on, let’s take a look at your numbers so you can have a good head on your shoulders when editing and fixing up things.
Okay, so the basic idea of a rhythm pattern is to write it intentionally so that it gets caught up in the head. It makes it pleasant to read. So lines 3 and 4 should probably match in length. So if you were to change line 4 to “So they’ll never come back,” you’d have a much more memorable line. So let’s say that 5566 is what we’re aiming for the entire piece. Now, obviously, you don’t always have to hit this; in fact, it’s good if you don’t—but as I said, write it intentionally so it sounds good. So the remainder of the poem unfolds:
So you can see my point in the irregular rhythms here and there. Just pay a bit of mind to it, and you’ll be fine!
I apologize that I don’t have enormous amounts of advice for you, but like I said, this is a light piece that I happen to like. Keep on writing, and let me know if you need anything.
-Lumi
Ha! I like that this poem had a fun, but albiet medical, air to it. I like it. Ode to White Blood Cells. NOBODY writes about them!
Overall, it's not Pulitzer Prize winning stuff, but a short little thing. There isn't much to say about it except that it's good. Nice work
Thanks Jimmy!
Well shadowhunter, you know how much I like science!
I like how fast this is - it's cute and quick, and just generally fun - I enjoyed reading it.
I know this isn't particularly deep and clearly it's not meant to be
A really nice piece of sweet writing!
Haha thanks for all the nit-picks guys, glad you liked it
P.S. I'm actually 14, Whisperer, I haven't the faintest idea why my profile says I'm 11. Ah well, I liked being 11. It was a nice age.........
This made me laugh, we learned about this stuff not too long ago =]. But anyway, it flowed nicely and I think most of your information is correct. I'm a bit foggy on the subject. But lovely =]]]
Hello there! ^_^ You made me remember when I wrote some jingles for school years ago with this one. xD
I only have two nitpicks for you:
- I think this will be better if you used 'to' rather than 'for'. It gives more sense of battle-readiness. xD
- Put a comma after 'infections'. Also, I think it's better if you change the 'For' to ''Cause' to avoid confusion.
Anyway, I agree with Lava that diseases do come back (like my colds >.<). xD And I think this would be better if there are more correct information about white blood cells and if it was a little longer. Nevertheless, I like this poem.
Well, this is not bad for an eleven year-old.
Never stop writing!
Hey there!
Well, diseases can come back. ): Poor us humans, no? Anyway, try rephrasing so that you don't declare that the diseases don't come back. Make it so that it says something like it protects you the best it can.I love science and I love writing! Therefore this was a good poem to read for me! Well, I'm not much of a poetry critiquer, but here're some of my thoughts.
And do forgive me if my comments are scientific. I'm just trying to help you out. ^^
Not sure I understand what you're trying to say in these two lines. For what without infections?
Ay, this is true indeedy. But not all lymphocytes create antibodies. It's only the T cells and the B cells that do this job. There're the NK cells that kills the foreign cells. NK = Natural Killer.
So, I liked that you rhymed and that you did this for science! I would love to see this made longer, 'cuz I think you can make a good job of it. But then again, this comes from a poetry noob. >.<
Cheers!
~Lava
I would have liked to see a bit more length- you could have introduced other topics and some humour to give it more definition. Otherwise, the rhythm and rhyme are all there. Overall a great piece