Another chapter, another review!
You’re being stupid, she reminded herself.
Has she previously told herself she was being stupid? If not, reminded isn't exactly the best word for this. She has felt rather stupid, but it still feels a bit weird. This is nit-picky, though--
There was no way she’d manage to hold her own if she had a run-in with bandits.
Also nit-picky!! But she doesn't have anything of value to bandits, either, unless they identified her as a noble's daughter, which I don't think is very likely in a medieval setting (no pictures). I also keep getting the vibe that her father isn't a big face in the noble world, but he's the king of Algnes's head adviser, isn't he? So he probably does have some weight to throw around... But yeah, identifying her would still be pretty far fetched.
“We’re back!” Synakrein announced happily.
The man looked up in terror. His words were heavily accented when he spoke. “Please, no.”
Hahah, I don't know if this is meant to be humorous in any capacity, but I found it funny (though I do still feel bad for the man on the table).
so that no one else follows in your foolish choices.”
“Foolish choices” sounds like he's not quite sure what words to use? Or, preceded by “follows in”, it sounds odd. “Foolish footsteps” sounds better to me. It's stronger? Alliteration is nice. Just a suggestion, though!
She saw the scabbed over cut that Synakrein made the day before and shuddered.
“Scabbed over” should be hyphenated, I believe. I'm also guessing it wasn't a stab, then, in his abdomen, despite the dagger sinking. I'm like two chapters beyond that scene, but I guess I'll suggest rewording how the prince cut him, then, to avoid this confusion? lel
She rubbed her own wrists subconsciously, unable to tear her eyes from the man’s pale frame.
You don't mention the man's wrists? So specifying that the wrists she touches are hers is unnecessary. You can omit “own”.
He made a single clean slice across his arm with the tip of the knife Rana held, then let go. Rana dropped the knife, staring at the wound even as the blade clattered to the floor loudly.
So this happens, then we see Rana's reaction of despair at having been made to harm the man, but the man gives no reaction. You should toss in a scream or suffocated cry somewhere in here. He's not dead quite yet, but giving him no reaction makes him sound that way!
He was wrong. She wasn’t going to come around to his ghastly past time.
“Past time” should be made into one word in this context.
She turned and vomited the little left in her stomach.
“The little left in her stomach” sounds strange. Maybe try “what little she had left in her stomach”?
Suddenly Synakrein lifted the hand and took a bite from the man’s thumb.
I knew it!! After his appetite comment, I knew he'd do that!! Synakrein, you freak. First you give off creeper vibes, then you're disappearing to your torture chamber, now you're cannibalizing a man. What else does this guy have in store for us?
That meant there would be no marks on — Rana’s breath caught as she saw the bandages on her wrists. Not just a dream.
This is run through fairly quickly and messes with the flow. I'm not sure how to fix it, but you may be able to reword a few things and delay the realization? Definitely don't wait too long, but maybe have her look down at her wrists rather than go “Oh now she noticed!!”
And the part where Synakrein… she shivered at the thought.
Ellipses in prose (aka outside dialogue) are a no-no in my book, except in very specific circumstances (which I can't think of at the moment but I clarify this so if I end up using them at some point, I can't be called out on “oh you said they're no-noes!”)
But, so, I think a dash here would be more effective. Give it that oomf and abrupt feeling you're going for. Unless you want it to be a slow pause? It doesn't feel like something that would be a slow pause, but if that's what you're looking for, then I guess the ellipses is alright--
She knew he was a monster, but she’d never imagined he’d be capable of that level of depravity.
This seems to imply that she knew he was a monster beforehand, but the only monstrous thing about him before the whole dungeon scenario was revealed was him wanting to marry a young girl, which is commonplace in this world, so it's not exactly monstrous here.
It was hard to say what his visit meant, or if he planned to add more abuse to the work Synakrein started.
I'd add a “had” before “started”.
The only ruffian she had to deal with was the prince himself and his boorish guards.
Since you mention both the prince and his guards, I'd suggest making “ruffian” plural. I'd also make the “she” a “she'd”, 'cause it reads better that way and is a workaround to “had had”
“The Prince told me that he told you to go into town ahead of him,” Father said.
“Told me that he told you” is choppy. Maybe “told me that he asked you”? Or something to switch it up a bit, even though he hadn't exactly asked. “Told me that he'd insisted you go into town [etc]”?
Also, hadn't Rana returned to the palace and had breakfast with her father and the prince before he took her to the dungeons? I take the story the prince told her father to be in reference to her first trip into town, but maybe the prince had said she went out again-- Just pointing this out in case you mixed up the series of events!
The Prince and I decided that we should head some tomorrow,
Do you mean “head home”?
Also, Rana doesn't seem to take this news in at all? I thought she might be cheery, if a bit suspicious as to why the prince would agree to this-- but she's going home soon, so she might show a bit more optimism? Instead she sits sulking, which is appropriate regarding everything else. This news that she'd previously been begging for doesn't spark even a glimmer of positivity or hope, though.
It was well past when she should have fallen asleep. Her conscience wouldn’t let her.
I'd make the period a comma and put “yet” or “but” before “her conscience”-- making it a single sentence helps the flow a little, I think. A suggestion, only, though!
And yet Synakrein treated him as though he stole thousands of coins from his treasury to gamble away.
“Had stolen” reads better.
She wished she could scream profanities in the prince’s face and throw all of his gifts and food back at him.
She kind of did throw the food back, when she vomited. *finger guns*
His wife needs it more than I do… I’ll take it to her.
Good idea, Rana, but how are you gonna find her?
And that's done!
The flow this chapter had a couple moments where it stunted, but it was generally alright. Pacing was good and we never switched scenes too abruptly or jarringly. Plot progression! Good. Character development? Maybe slightly, in Rana's case? We're definitely seeing some development of just how bad the prince is.
I wish I could leave more notes but I don't really have a lot else to say. The story is keeping me at an equal level of intrigue and has yet to threaten a drop in that, and I look forward to the next chapter!
Hope this was helpful!
- Hatt
Points: 34531
Reviews: 141
Donate