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Young Writers Society


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A Fleeting Eternity - Chapter Two

by Shady


Ky wet her lips, careful to avoid making direct eye contact. Makata stood uncomfortably close to her right side. He was near enough Ky could see the subtle way the fabric surrounding the button-holes on his tunic strained against his large girth. Aleth was a step away on the left.

“Go on, then,” Makata ordered. “Carry the chest for Lord Klev.”

“Yes, sir.” Ky made her voice as deep as possible, ducking her head as she stepped nearer the carriage. She looked the chest over, wondering how she was ever going to manage to lift it. It looked like it was made of solid wood, and probably weighed twice as much as she did herself.

“I’ll show you the way,” Aleth said.

Ky looked at him. He had also stepped forward and was standing just in front of her, within arm’s reach. He was tall enough to look down on her, but her build was slight enough that that was true of most men. He had thick brown hair that swept to the right and flipped out on a partial curl on the side, and a thick goatee that surrounded his mouth but didn’t extend up his jawline. His green eyes were harsh behind a pair of wire-rimmed spectacles.

“Yes, sir,” Ky said again, stepping forward to grab the chest. She turned slightly away from it and grabbed the leather thongs, gritting her teeth as she hefted the chest onto her back. It was so long it nearly dragged on the ground behind her, forcing her to bend forward slightly to keep it in the air, using her core to support the burden. She staggered under the weight, trying to catch her balance.

“Got it?”

“Yes, sir,” Ky grunted, not entirely sure if she had it or not.

“Good.” Aleth turned away and started leading the way into the castle.

Ky felt her legs start to buckle. She forced herself to take a deep breath, focusing on planting each step firmly as she struggled up each step that led to the landing, legs burning with exertion. She swallowed hard as she tottered after Aleth into the palace, desperately hoping that he was staying on the first floor. Aleth turned down the first hallway to the right, slowing his pace slightly.

“What’s your name, boy?” Aleth questioned.

“Ky, sir.”

“Ky? What’s that short for?”

“Kyber, sir,” she answered, the lie flowing swiftly off her tongue after so many years of repeating it. It was beginning to feel more like her name than her real name, at this point. She stared at the tiles beneath their feet, breaths starting to come in puffs as she walked.

“Kyber…?” Aleth prompted.

Ky hesitated. She didn’t like how inquisitive he was. People in the Mountains didn’t go by last names. There were so few people in her town that they all just agreed that only one living person should have the same name at any given point – she was the only Ky, Talia was the only Talia, Myrond was the only Myrond. It made more sense to do it that way, rather than call two people by the same name and tack a second name on to everyone. That was just silly.

Father had been a Merchant in the City before he settled in their township, however, and she’d seen on his ledgers that he once had a second name. She adopted it when she came to the Castle and people started asking her second name, but it never seemed quite as natural to lie about as Kyber. “Ruirac, sir.”

“Kyber Ruirac,” Aleth repeated slowly. He walked up a narrow staircase, stopping briefly to let her catch up. Her thighs felt like they were on fire, arms trembling with the exertion of keeping the chest hefted in the air. “That sounds like a name from one of the southern Tribes. Your people from the Plains?”

Ky turned her head to glare at him suspiciously, the weight of the chest suddenly not taking up quite so much of her attention as he led her down several winding corridors. She definitely didn’t like his interest. When she’d first come to the City, she resented how little attention the high-born people paid to their help staff. She’d long-since accepted that as a servant she was virtually invisible to royals, and had come to relish the anonymity that came with her position. The fact that Aleth cared to ask so much about her didn’t bode well.

And yet, she knew as well as he did, that she wasn’t allowed to ignore a direct question from him any more than she was allowed to refuse to carry this massive chest up to his room. “Mountains, sir.”

He turned and met her gaze with a challenging look in his eyes. “How far back?”

“We got roots as deep as the mountains themselves, I reckon.” It was mostly true. Mama’s family had been living in the mountains of Lytias for as many generations as anyone could recount. And it was easier to claim her late mother’s lineage, than to explain her Father’s saga of moving to their township after falling in love with Mama. Ky dropped her gaze back to the floor. There was no point in picking a fight, despite how much she desperately wished he’d stop asking questions. “Sir.”

“I see… it’s this room,” Aleth stopped and pushed the door just to the right open. She stumbled in after him and gratefully set the chest down by the window where he gestured. “Get the spurs out. They should be near the left.”

“Yes, sir.” Ky dropped to her knees and un-did the leather thongs holding the chest closed tight. She opened the lid and began digging through the items within, jaw set and shoulders still heaving, forcing her face to be carefully devoid of emotion.

The chest was filled with standard items – clothes, some books and writing utensils, a few pairs of shoes. She forced herself not to shy away from touching his undergarments to move them out of the way. She’d been wearing male underpants ever since taking her post in the stables, but somehow touching another man’s underpants still disturbed her now as much as it had back when she’d been allowed to be a girl.

A moment later she found the spurs he’d asked for. She turned, holding them out to him as she started to rise to her feet. He put his hand on her shoulder, forcing her to stay on her knees, and stepped uncomfortably close to her.

“Actually, could you be a dear?” He put his left foot on the edge of the chest, directly in front of her face, hand still planted on her shoulder firmly. His crotch was mere inches from her face, entire presence dominating and looming over her. She set her jaw again and pushed one of the spurs onto the heel of his boot, cinching it in place.

He put his other hand on her left shoulder, stepping across her with his left leg. He straddled her a moment too long, then propped his right foot up on the edge of the crate, still holding on to her and looming too close. She decidedly refused to acknowledge how near he stood, instead keeping her gaze on the spur as she cinched this one on as quickly as possible.

“Thank you, Ky.” Aleth put his foot down on the ground, then bent and pulled Ky to her feet. Her breath caught as she found herself staring up into his face, body inches from his. He had his hands wrapped around each of her upper arms, holding her in place directly in front of him, as his eyes flicked across her face.

It would be rude to pull away from him, and yet she wanted nothing more than to do just that. She longed to yank free and run away. She swallowed hard. He leaned in close to hear ear, breath tickling her neck as he whispered. “I’ll see you after the ride, Ky.”

Suddenly he released her. Ky stumbled backward, wetting her lips, staring at him in a stunned silence. He looked at her with an expression she couldn’t quite read. His gaze almost seemed hungry as he looked her over. She’d seen that expression on Makata’s face once, when he was with a girl from his harem. But she’d never been on the receiving end of that gaze.

“Sir,” Ky said, turning and opening the door to the room. She slipped into the hall and closed the door behind her, starting back the way she’d come from quickly, before he could change his mind and call her back.

She hurried down the flight of stairs and walked back out into the courtyard. She stepped down from the ledge right as she heard the palace doors open behind her, Aleth’s spurs clinking as he walked. She took a deep breath and took the reins to Aleth’s carriage from Tadaaki, refusing to meet his gaze as carefully as she avoided Aleth’s and Makata’s gazes. She briskly walked the horses and carriage towards the stables without looking up from the cobblestone under her feet.

Finally, things were returning to the way they should have been.

She could have tended to the horses while Aleth’s coachman had hauled the chest up to the room. He was easily three- or four-times Ky’s size. It would have been easier for him to handle the weight, and it would have avoided her the awkward one-on-one time with Aleth. She was grateful to be back to the horses – she knew how to keep them from becoming dangerous to her.

Ky hurried around the corner to the stable, leaving behind nobles in the courtyard, before either of them thought of a reason to call her back. She hoped they took a long ride. A long, long ride.  


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Sat May 02, 2020 5:18 pm
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mellifera wrote a review...



Shady!

I'm back again (team tortoise maybe???)!! Let's get right in :)

“I’ll show you the way,” Aleth said.


I'M STILL VERY SUSPICIOUS OF HIM WHAT DOES HE WANT

It was so long it nearly dragged on the ground behind her, forcing her to bend forward slightly to keep it in the air, using her core to support the burden. She staggered under the weight, trying to catch her balance.


she's got those STABLEHAND muscles

It was beginning to feel more like her name than her real name, at this point.


I don't think you need the "at this point", since "It was beginning to" already implies that? It's just there kind of redundantly.

Father had been a Merchant in the City before he settled in their township, however, and she’d seen on his ledgers that he once had a second name. She adopted it when she came to the Castle and people started asking her second name,


Is there a reason you're capitalising the first letter of some of these words? I'm just curious because I can't imagine there's [i]one[i] city and I'm almost positive from the other ones that there isn't one castle. Is there a difference between someone who is a merchant or a Merchant? Is this just how Ky knows them?

Her thighs felt like they were on fire, arms trembling with the exertion of keeping the chest hefted in the air.


This is a dumb, technical nitpick, but if it's on her back and she has straps on her shoulders, wouldn't her shoulders hurt the most?

The fact that Aleth cared to ask so much about her didn’t bode well.


SUSPICIOUS SUSPICIOUS SUSPICIOUS MAN

He turned and met her gaze with a challenging look in his eyes. “How far back?”


WHY DO YOU CAAAAARE

He put his hand on her shoulder, forcing her to stay on her knees, and stepped uncomfortably close to her.


:( ew

“Actually, could you be a dear?”


unless the customs are different here, I'm unsure why he'd call someone he thinks is a boy "dear", even in this context? unless,,,, he knows,,,,,,

It would be rude to pull away from him, and yet she wanted nothing more than to do just that. She longed to yank free and run away. She swallowed hard. He leaned in close to hear ear, breath tickling her neck as he whispered. “I’ll see you after the ride, Ky.”


GROSSSSSSSS I hope you know I was making this face :c

Finally, things were returning to the way they should have been.


HOPEFULLY but as this is the start of a novel, I doubt it.

leaving behind nobles in the courtyard


"leaving behind the nobles in the courtyard"?


You are very good at writing creepy characters and creepy scenes and I love it and yet it is Nasty and I already Dislike this Aleth man. He is not shaping up to be on level with the other two A- men.

I WANT TO KNOW ABOUT HER PARENTS AND WHAT HAPPENED. Did an assassin come after her? Someone from the city? If she was a farmer's/merchant's daughter, why? I have so many questions ughghghghg but I guess that's what reading onward is for.

Also, I feel the "I know how to keep horses under control and would rather be around them than people" SO MUCH. horses are so much simpler :')

I think that's all I've got for you today!! Hopefully that was helpful, and ALSO hopefully I will be around tomorrow for some more!!

I hope you have a fantastic time <3 can't wait for more!




mellifera says...


also wondering why Ky is hiding her identity and posing as a stable boy but I assume we'll learn that later



Shady says...


He is not shaping up to be on level with the other two A- men.


Ahaha ;)

Thanks for the review <3



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Wed Mar 18, 2020 7:10 pm
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Miraculor77 wrote a review...



Hey again! I know I've been extremely behind on reviewing this, so I thought I'd use this time of social distancing to catch up. I'll just go through this and give comments/critiques as I (re)read.

She looked the chest over, wondering how she was ever going to manage to lift it. It looked like it was made of solid wood, and probably weighed twice as much as she did herself.

Won't that injure her back in some way? I can feel her apprehension.

He was tall enough to look down on her, but her build was slight enough that that was true of most men.

I would change the second "that" with "it," but that's just a personal style choice.

It was so long it nearly dragged on the ground behind her, forcing her to bend forward slightly to keep it in the air, using her core to support the burden.

What is so long? The chest?

The fact that Aleth cared to ask so much about her didn’t bode well.

I think he's suspicious about her (as in what's her origin) OR he's just being creepy. I'm betting on the latter.

There was no point in picking a fight, despite how much she desperately wished he’d stop asking questions. “Sir.”

Ugh. Don't like people like that. He also seems like he uses his power for the sake of using it, just to prove he has it.

back when she’d been allowed to be a girl.

So she's no longer allowed to be a girl. Who decided that? Did she, because of circumstances, or did someone else order her to?

“Actually, could you be a dear?”

NO. Just. No. Ky isn't his "dear," and she's still a person.

It would be rude to pull away from him, and yet she wanted nothing more than to do just that. She longed to yank free and run away. She swallowed hard. He leaned in close to hear ear, breath tickling her neck as he whispered. “I’ll see you after the ride, Ky.”

This is written so well and on point. Ky's disgust/fear, Aleth's absolute creepiness, the fact that her position as servant ties her down and even burdens her.

It would have been easier for him to handle the weight, and it would have avoided her the awkward one-on-one time with Aleth.

Then WHY did Aleth pick her, the scrawny, considerably weaker kid when it would've been more efficient to use the coachman?
Maybe he knows. And wants to use that fact to his advantage. *shivers*

final thoughts
This chapter is very well done. It's put together in a smooth, flowing way, and I don't have any major nitpicks for it. I'm also extremely worried about Ky, so could you please give her a hug for me? In the meantime, I'll move onto the next chapter.

Keep writing,
Mira




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Mon Jan 13, 2020 1:57 pm
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JabberHut wrote a review...



oh my GOD CREEP ALERT

I don't like him. I don't like him. I don't like him. GET AWAY FROM KY, YOU CREEEEEEEEEP.

//shivers

Man, you did such a great job making Aleth such a freaking creep here. The last chapter left it in such a way that Aleth could have something else up his sleeve, but this chapter simply solidified his creep factor 9000. I hate him, I want him away from Ky, and AFJ;ASLDJFSLDF WHAT A CREEPER.

Now I wonder if Aleth sees something about Ky or if he just always harasses his staff like this. It certainly seems like this is behavior he typically has since it felt like it all just played right into his hands. Is Ky just cute and innocent and he's into that sort of thing? Does he recognize a girl from miles away?

This kind of behavior also confirms his hunger for power and authority. He abuses his position as a noble to take advantage of others around him, and that is a very scary nobleman to deal with. Makata has not shown that much hunger for power, but I do wonder how much Makata knows about Aleth's behavior. Does Makata know he's a creeper? And if so, is he okay with that? How deep does this "friendship" really go between nobles?

I did find it a little strange that Aleth had to lead Ky to his chambers when Aleth is the one that just arrived. Does Aleth have a normal bedchamber for his visits? And does Ky, being a stablehand, not know about Aleth's usual suite of choice? I also like to think that at least Makata offered some staff to carry things up since I feel like a noble would have more than just a singular chest in his room. So perhaps this was the final chest to be carried up?

I adored the background we got here for Ky's character. The little bit about the no surnames is just fantastic. It TOTALLY makes sense for a small town, especially if they're usually self-sufficient. I like that this was thought through. It's a fun unique trait to have for this village, and the people clearly try to keep things simple and efficient for them. This also probably means that they pay very close attention to who all lives in the village, probably take an annual census of sorts, and probably don't get many people who choose to move into their village either, unless they also have a system for that (which they might, but they sound pretty remote).

I also REALLY feel for Ky here because Aleth was already kind of nerve-wracking to be with, let alone she isn't usually interrogated like this as a servant. So with all this in mind, I highly doubt she feels comfortable talking about her history, particularly as an individual trying to hide from Makata. Her only choices are to tell brief truths or lie through her teeth, and the latter could land her in the dungeons or worse. I really hope this conversation doesn't come back and bite her in the butt, but what else could she do?? It's just so much information she gave to Aleth, a nobleman who has access to even more information than she probably realizes. It's all just so scary.

What a good chapter! You really played at the emotions and instilled a proper fear for Aleth here. It's incredible how you did it, and I legitimately hope Ky is going to be okay. I'm really worried for her. ;_;




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Sun Jan 12, 2020 5:17 pm
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looseleaf wrote a review...



**My Thoughts**

This chapter was great! You told us a lot more about Ky without ruining the story!

**Formatting and Grammar**

Your formatting was good! The chapter was very neat, and it wasn't hard to read. I noticed you didn't indent, but it probably looks better without indents!

As for grammar, I didn't notice anything wrong!

**Punctuation and Capitalization**

I didn't notice anything wrong in these two categories.

**Plot**

So, I would say we don't know much about the plot of the story. We know that Ky is a servant who switched her identity (and has a tail). We know she is a good person and very independent. She could probably do everything she sets her mind to! We also know that Aleth is a creep and I don't think anybody who reads this chapter likes him. I do like how you are making the story interesting, without really introducing the climax yet.

**Setting**

In this chapter, I got that they were in a castle climbing up a ton of stairs, then into Aleth's room, then back to the courtyard. We learn Ky is from the mountains, but where is the castle? I would have loved to learn that.

**Characters**

Ky: As I said before, she is good, caring, and independent. She is good at hiding her emotions.

Aleth: He is such a creep. He doesn't seem like a bad guy, but he is way too curious about Ky's life and her background.

King Makata: Seems like a good king.

**Quick Review**

Nothing was really wrong. You built up the characters and setting very well in this chapter.

Keep on writing, I look forward to reading the next chapter later today. Have a great 2020!!




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Wed Jan 08, 2020 6:59 am
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keystrings wrote a review...



Hello again! I was quite interested by the first chapter, so I was happy to see this next one up so soon XD

To go from the start, I read over your reply to Jabber about the tail not being a "real tail" and so that makes more sense for me. I figure it would be rather difficult to keep all the binding hidden. Kudos to Ky, but I figure that's part of life-or-death-or-worse for her if the secret is let out, so let's hope she can keep hiding in plain sight <.< On another side note, carrying heavy, heavy loads is absolutely not fun and I feel her pain from when my family had to move to a new place.

So, we have established that Makata seems more like a distant ruler/royal towards his servants, while the opposite is certainly said about Aleth, and he is a true creep! Agh. I absolutely find this interesting, of this interest he has towards Ky, who in his eyes, is a small, male servant, but why this interest? Why drag this poor kid all the way to your chambers just to intimidate him in a really weird way? I'm sure he could see that Ky is a small-framed individual and probably can't carry this huge load all the way up the stars and all.

I also like getting some more background on Ky, especially because names are something always curious to me, and the world-building is good stuff! I can imagine it gets hard to remind yourself to say a false last name, but honestly I love the idea of a small enough town that like, there's no shared names? Ahh. I love it. Getting any kind of info just adds a nice touch to like any fantasy setting, so I am very intrigued.

And more creepy Aleth to end this chapter, delightful. I must say, I fully agree with Ky

She hoped they took a long ride. A long, long ride.

So, overall, I'm getting really creepy vibes from Aleth, I hope Ky can like avoid him for as long as possible, but I have a feeling more meetings will occur. :{ Either way, I hope to see what might be the reason Aleth and Makata might be doing here, and how this applies to the greater plot of this story. I really liked this chapter as well! ^^





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