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Young Writers Society



A Fleeting Eternity - Chapter Seventeen

by Shady


Ky sprawled unceremoniously across the bench seat, tiredly answering the questions that Aleth launched at her about her township, and capture, and the logistics of how she’d kept from being discovered in the stables for so many years. The little energy she had was long since spent, and the minutes crept by in a pain-filled haze that made it hard to think clearly.

After what felt like an eternity, the carriage finally came to a stop. Ky carefully pushed herself up to a sitting position, just as Tadaaki came around to open the door. Aleth climbed out first and cracked his back as Tadaaki reached in to help Ky down. She hesitated, taking in as much as possible as she could in a moment.

They were stopped in front of a mansion. It wasn’t nearly as large as Makata’s castle, but it seemed bigger than her entire township had been back home. It was made of a sand-colored stone with intricately carved statues interspersed with thick hedges. Behind her a lush green lawn stretched down to a massive stone wall that separated the estate from the bustling city life.

“This way,” Aleth said, grabbing her arm. His grasp was firm, but not unkind, as he moved her towards the stairs leading up to the house.

She lifted her foot to the first step and whimpered with the exertion it took to lift herself onto it. Aleth impatiently sighed and waited for her to catch up before ascending to the next step. They made it up the half dozen stairs to the house just as the door opened and a young woman stepped out onto the uncovered porch.

“Yuane,” Aleth said. “This is Ky, my new assistant. Take him up to the spare room and dress his wounds.”

“Yes, sir,” the girl murmured, instantly stepping forward to obey.

Aleth pulled Ky slightly closer to himself, fingers tightening around her arm. Ky looked up to find his threatening glare boring into her eyes. “I swear if you so much as look at Yuane the wrong way, I will thrash you within an inch of your life. Do you understand me?”

“Yes, sir,” Ky answered gruffly.

“Good.” He pushed her back towards Yuane and locked eyes on his servant. “If Ky is anything but respectful and accommodating, tell me immediately.”

“Yes, sir,” Yuane answered.

Yuane reached out to wrap her arm around Ky and pull her into the house. Ky tensed, but followed. Yuane was substantially taller than she was – taller even than Aleth, maybe. Ky hadn’t noticed until she was standing side by side with her just how tall Yuane was.

She had long ink-black hair that was tied into a braid that rested between her shoulder blades, and dark, monolid eyes that looked down at Ky sharply as they walked. Ky wrapped her arms around her own abdomen, appreciative of the support that Yuane’s arm brought to her back as she led her up a flight of stairs to the second story of the mansion.

Ky stared straight at the floor in front of them, trying desperately to keep from stumbling. The exertion was making her light headed, and her body felt weak, as if it would collapse right there in the middle of the hallway. Yuane led her into a small room off to the left.

It was larger than the room she stayed in at the stables – maybe about as big as Zivyn’s stall had been. On the wall that overlooked the courtyard they’d just come from were a row of windows, under which a dresser with a wash basin. A bed was pressed along the left wall; a changing screen sitting next to the wall to the right.

“Sit,” Yuane said, gesturing towards the bed.

Ky stumbled towards the bed and gratefully plopped down on the quilt. The give of the mattress surprised her. She hadn’t properly sat on a bed in years, barring the brief time she’d laid on Aleth’s bed. It felt nice – this time.

Yuane dumped water into the basin sitting on the dresser and dipped a cloth into it, then turned back towards Ky. “Arms up.”

Ky hesitated a moment, then did as she was told – slowly, carefully, lifting her arms over her head. She didn’t know who Yuane was to Aleth, but it was clear that whoever she was, Ky had better obey her. She couldn’t risk another “training” session when she was in this state.

Yuane bent and carefully removed Ky’s blood-crusted tunic. She stopped short as she looked at Ky’s naked body, eyebrows shooting up in surprise. Ky awkwardly laid one arm across her chest. “Yeah, I’m, uh…”

“You’re hurt,” Yuane said, bringing a damp cloth towards her. “Lay back.”

Ky carefully laid back onto the mattress, whimpering as the motion strained her abdomen. Yuane removed the makeshift bandage Tadaaki had made for her and began dabbing away the blood and dirt that clung to Ky’s abdomen. She worked in silence for many long minutes; Ky screwed her eyes shut tightly, clenching her jaw in an attempt to remain motionless, despite Yuane’s cloth making her wounds burn like fire.

“Has Ky given you any trouble?”

Ky tensed even more as she heard Aleth’s voice, breath catching in her chest. She instinctively jerked her hand to her side and started to bolt upright, eyes snapping open. Aleth’s hand was on her bare shoulder in an instant, pushing her back towards the mattress. “Stay.”

The pain that sitting up had brought was nearly unbearable; the added force of Aleth’s hand made it impossible for her to accomplish it. She fell back to the mattress, breathing shallowly as she looked up at Aleth fearfully. He kept his hand on her shoulder – his fingertips barely pressing against the junction of her collarbone and arm, and yet conveying everything it possibly could have needed to: he was powerful, and she was to obey.

Aleth looked down the length of his nose at her for a long moment, gaze cold and calculating, waiting to see if she would obey. She felt her insides flop. She felt so weak; so powerless, as she laid flat on her back next to this monster. Aleth turned his gaze on Yuane and raised his eyebrows.

“No trouble at all, sir,” Yuane answered.

“Good.” Aleth took his hand off Ky’s shoulder, and gestured at her vaguely. "We’re going to maintain this little charade – refer to Ky with masculine pronouns, the whole gambit to keep up appearances and convince everyone that our farce is genuine. Do you understand?”

“Yes, sir,” Yuane answered.

“Good.” Aleth turned a cold gaze on Ky. “You’d best heal quickly. I’ve got big plans for the two of us, Ky.”

Ky swallowed hard.

“Sire.”

Ky heard Tadaaki’s voice from the doorway, over her shoulder, and saw Aleth’s attention turn towards it.

“Yes?” Aleth asked.

“I’ve got your carriage unpacked. I’m about to begin unpacking your chest, but I started with your communications, and they’re all in your office.”

“Thank you. You’re dismissed.” Aleth’s gaze snapped back towards Ky, and the same cruel, mirthless smirk spread across his face once more. “Don’t go anywhere, dear.”

Aleth patted her cheek condescendingly, then took his leave.

Ky closed her eyes tightly, clenching her jaw and refusing to grimace as Yuane’s cloth brought a stab of pain to her abdomen. Time was hazy. It could have been mere moments, or possibly many minutes, before Yuane finally rubbed a thick salve on her wounds and bandaged them up. She gently helped Ky into a night shirt, then left, leaving Ky alone in the room.

Ky gradually drifted off, but where she ended up was anyone’s guess. She passed from consciousness to unconsciousness without much of a distinction between the two, thoughts feeling heavy and hot, like a damp towel held over her face on a summer afternoon.

Her mental clarity finally returned as she woke to the world outside her window being nearly entirely darkened, with just enough fading sunlight to cast soft bluish hues over the distant skyline. Her abdomen hurt too badly to dare movement. She lay passively, flat on her back, and stared at the cracking plaster of the ceiling overhead.

How had she managed to get herself into such a predicament? What was so wrong about her to have resulted in her life going as horribly wrong as it had so far? All she wanted to be back home, in her township, on her little farm, tending to the animals and to Father. She took a deep breath, wishing something in her life would make sense again.

She never had understood what mistake she’d made to end up in Makata’s castle to begin with. It was obvious she’d drawn Aleth’s attention by not mastering her curiosity carefully enough – but was that really bad enough to warrant this? Was learning how to read what landed her here? Was it learning Lytiasian in the first place that ended with her imprisoned by this parasite of a man?

Suddenly a thought struck her.

What if I didn’t know Lytiasian?

Most of Aleth’s gloating was lost in the painfilled haze, but that stuck in her memory prominently – he wanted her for her language skills. Makata had outlawed Traditional Lytiasian nearly two decades ago, stating it made the commoners seem less intelligent to the surrounding countries, and insisted everyone learn and speak the Trade Language instead.

When an official would come to her township, the people who only knew Traditional Lytiasian would busy themselves in the far away fields, and the few people who spoke the Trade Language well, like Father, and the blacksmith Mr. Drakan, and the baker Mr. Lian, would interact with the official. But not everyone knew that her township had refused to comply with the new language requirements.

Aleth was surely guessing that she could speak Traditional Lytiasian. She was young when she was taken from her home. She easily could have been bilingual when she left, but now only remembered the Trade Language, since that’s the only language she was allowed to speak in the castle. In all honesty, she had felt some of her vocabulary skills in Traditional Lytiasian slipping with year that the ability sat dormant.

If I can’t speak Lytiasian, he won’t have any use for me. The conclusion was as clear as day. Aleth was a man driven by results. If she couldn’t provide what he wanted, then she was useless to him, and he’d have no choice but to let her go. Lutalya was closer to home than Makata’s palace had been, anyway. All she needed was to heal up and secure enough food for a few days and then she’d be home before anyone knew it.

It was clear what she needed to do.

She’d simply pretend not to understand Lytiasian until Aleth got frustrated enough to turn her loose. And then she’d go home to Father and her farm, and all would be right in life again. She took a deep breath and let out a short sigh, closing her eyes as she settled back into her mattress, resolved to convince Aleth of her new plan, no matter what it took to do so. 


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Wed Sep 02, 2020 10:19 pm
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mellifera wrote a review...



SHADY!

I'm FINALLY back!! Ready to get my reviewing muscles strong again!! I am,,, very rusty lol

It was made of a sand-colored stone with intricately carved statues interspersed with thick hedges.


WHAT KIND OF STATUES, SHADY? I REALLY am the worst when it comes to descriptions but I always need to know what kind of statues have been carved into any given place. Are they a protective visage, like lions or sphinxes or gargoyles? Are they dedicated to specific people, or specific god/s (I,,, don't remember the religious system in the brief bursts it's been mentioned) as a sign of worship? This is really really specific and niche but details like this can give readers better insight into Aleth's character/what he chooses to decorate his surroundings with.

Aleth said, grabbing her arm.


The casual ownership of/physical contact with Ky is GROSS and you did a very good job with it, but it is still GROSS. when does he get stabbed?

His grasp was firm, but not unkind


with context, I beg to differ.

She lifted her foot to the first step and whimpered with the exertion it took to lift herself onto it. Aleth impatiently sighed and waited for her to catch up before ascending to the next step.


When I first read this, I mistook it to mean he had gone ahead of her/to the top of the stairs, but you also never said he let her arm go, so it took me a moment (could be my brain has ceased functioning though too, you can never tell) to figure out what you meant? I might suggest "Aleth grunted, but begrudgingly waited with her in the slow agony each step caused her." or something like that (idk if that sounds right?? what are words honestly). As a run down, "Aleth impatiently sighed" -> "Aleth grunted" is essentially the same thing, but the second is with 1) one less word and 2) is not telling. And, if that was not enough, it's followed by "begrudgingly" to clearly express how he's feeling without telling us, and then the rest of it conveys Ky's 1) slow pace and 2) the physical pain she's in after all the torture Aleth has put her through (also as a double bonus, serves as a subtle reminder that he's Terrible which is ALWAYS a plus, of course).

you didn't need the analysis of sentences I gave you, but I leave it with you anyway.

“I swear if you so much as look at Yuane the wrong way, I will thrash you within an inch of your life. Do you understand me?”


This is very... vulnerable of Aleth, to react like this, which obviously makes me insanely curious as to why he's defending Yuane so fiercely, even before Ky has done anything but see her. Maybe your intention was rather to convey Aleth is just really mean to Ky and wants to make sure he has another set of eyes on her and also trying to make excuses for all the things he can punish her for, but this feels... very personal, and I really have to wonder what Yuane and Aleth's relation to each other is.

The exertion was making her light headed, and her body felt weak, as if it would collapse right there in the middle of the hallway


I don't know why this bugs me, but the "it" when referring to Ky's body is weird to me?? If it doesn't bug you, ignore me, but I'll suggest "The exertion was making her light-headed and it was a struggle to even stay upright" (also then there isn't the telling "her body felt weak" and combines the two sentences together to convey it in a cleaner method rather than separating it)

“You’re hurt,” Yuane said, bringing a damp cloth towards her. “Lay back.”


I don't know if I should but I do already really like Yuane.

“Good.” Aleth turned a cold gaze on Ky. “You’d best heal quickly. I’ve got big plans for the two of us, Ky.”


you know how we all have the voluntary capability to instantly heal ourselves

Ky heard Tadaaki’s voice from the doorway, over her shoulder, and saw Aleth’s attention turn towards it.


is everyone just waltzing in here while she's shirtless??

being nearly entirely darkened


nearly entirely

If I can’t speak Lytiasian, he won’t have any use for me.


oh,,, Ky,,,,,

She’d simply pretend not to understand Lytiasian until Aleth got frustrated enough to turn her loose.


SEEING HER SO OPTIMISTIC AFTER EVERYTHING HURTS BUT I ALSO ADORE HER FOR IT we need more optimistic characters.


I can't wait to see Ky overthrow this man and possibly stab him.


Also I have to say this because I was thinking it through the chapter, but your description has grown SO MUCH since I first started reading Charm of Deception. It's really, really cool to see how much it's improved, and I hope that it becomes especially evident (if it wasn't to you already) by the things I was pulling down into this review.

Also also, your incorporating worldbuilding into the story!! It's getting to be more seamless now, which I KNOW is especially hard in fantasy (how do you not just put in everything you know all at once), but you've grown it to the point where it's becoming incorporated with the story, rather than bits of random facts that have to relevance (like,,, so many,,,, fantasy stories). I'm specifically referencing Lytiasian and it's history right now, but I mean that generally as a whole so far in this novel too.


Anyway! Hopefully my reviewing skills aren't TOO rusty and this helped you out in some regard!

Happy RevMo, and I hope you're having a lovely day! <3




Shady says...


Thanks so much for the review!!! I got so happy when I got the notif for this, and then it was every bit as awesome to read as I expected <3 You give me the warm fuzzies. It's really... gratifying? to hear from an outside perspective that I am IMPROVING omg not a total disaster lol. Thanks for the feedback <3



mellifera says...


ahh <333 and you ARE ABSOLUTELY IMPROVING everything is so much more vivid and you've really come a long way <3 I'm v proud of you!!



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Mon Aug 17, 2020 2:37 am
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JabberHut wrote a review...



HELLO!

I really like this development here regarding the language history. It's really good motivation to utilize for your characters, and it gives a lot more depth to the political history. We've seen this happen in the real world several times, Latin being a primary example. Languages die out and new languages take their place, and most countries dictate official languages to keep up with the evolving world.

The fact that we have a "dead" language, Lytiasian, is extremely cool. Now my memory is a bit fuzzy 'cause it's been a while since I've been reading this, but is Lytiasian an ancient language, like a language used to write the holy book per chance? I don't quite understand the value of Lytiasian to understand the impact Ky would have, and maybe we'll hear about it (or be reminded of it) later. But what we do know is that Ky determines it's a valuable language to know, and that it's obvious Aleth would find it valuable. Basically, it's a valuable skill that Ky has. We just need to understand why that is.

And also why Aleth wants it so bad (assuming it's true).

At this point, I'm pretty convinced this is going to go poorly for Ky. (That plus the fact that Ky straight out told us her plan, a technique which usually follows with the plan backfiring somehow.) So far, she has failed to hide anything from Aleth. Aleth was able to spot her reading the letters on her desk before, and I feel like he's just going to catch her again. That said, it would be awesome to get a clue as to why Aleth might want this skill before he ever punishes her for withholding information.

I looove the addition of Yuane now. We're undoubtedly going to get a feel for Aleth's personal life now that we're in his home and meeting his servants/staff as well as any others he might interact with. Yuane is a mystery, but she's clearly important to Aleth for some reason. Her significance shows in how he warns Ky not to give her trouble, whereas he never did that for Tadaaki. We also get a lot out of the way Yuane dutifully follows orders and doesn't question anything she sees, much like how Tadaaki acts. It's a very uniform behavior so far amongst his staff; they almost seem inhuman. What power does Aleth have that these people lose all hope? What is he holding over them? He doesn't appear to have any armies or guards or any military power, but we know his powers lie in information; so I gather he's holding something over every single individual under his control. It's just so peculiar and creepy and scary and I just know Ky won't be broken so easily. We've seen her tough it out so far, despite her lack of physical prowess -- she simply has far too much spirit to give up. Perhaps she'll stumble into a dark truth behind all these shenanigans tearing her life apart and fight for her freedom.

Basically, I'm still rootin' for a rebellion. YOU GOT THIS, KY.




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Mon Aug 10, 2020 12:21 pm
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Hijinks wrote a review...



Hi Shady! Thank you for requesting a review! :)

I really enjoyed reading this chapter! Your grammar and spelling is beautiful - not very much for me to nitpick, how could you?!? - and the characters are very believable. They're also very distinct and well developed, even just within this single chapter, and Ky is quite a relatable protagonist, which is great! One of my favourite things about the chapter is how you demonstrate the characters' personalities, without straight-up describing them. Instead of saying that Aleth is mean and treats Ky roughly, you show it through his actions.

Along similar lines, a general critique I had is that some of the physical descriptions of settings seem a bit too tell-ish. For example, when you're describing Aleth's mansion:

It was made of a sand-colored stone with intricately carved statues interspersed with thick hedges. Behind her a lush green lawn stretched down to a massive stone wall that separated the estate from the bustling city life.

There's nothing inherently wrong with this, and especially in prose it's more of a style thing, but just personally I would've liked if it felt less like an information dump. (That's a HUGE exaggeration, it's not an info dump in the least, but that's sort of the very subtle vibe I'm getting.) Even just if you interspersed the description with Ky's thoughts/reactions - for example, do the thick hedges remind her of anything? Do they seem oppressive? Does the lush green lawn seem tame and docile? Stuff like that - adding a bit of personification, I guess. But like I said, that's mostly just a style thing, so feel free to disregard it if you disagree. (I may be trying to turn your prose into poetry, whoops)

Also, having said all that, there are some really beautiful descriptions that I love, like when you say
Her mental clarity finally returned as she woke to the world outside her window being nearly entirely darkened, with just enough fading sunlight to cast soft bluish hues over the distant skyline.


Other than that, I really don't have any general suggestions/critiques. I'm really impressed at how easy it was to follow this chapter, even though I haven't read any previous ones (you did give me a brief explanation, but still, it's understandable even without that). Everything seems well thought out, everything makes sense ... basically, a really well-written chapter that I enjoyed reading! I may just sneak along to chapter 18 after this...

Now I'm just going to go over a few more specific comments/nitpicks (because regardless of the fact you barely left any for me to find, I was determined to find some!)

A bed was pressed along the left wall; a changing screen sitting next to the wall to the right.

I could be wrong, but I believe to make this grammatically correct, "sitting" would have to be either "was sitting" or "sat".

Ky hesitated a moment, then did as she was told – slowly, carefully, lifting her arms over her head. She didn’t know who Yuane was to Aleth, but it was clear that whoever she was, Ky had better obey her. She couldn’t risk another “training” session when she was in this state.
Yuane bent and carefully removed Ky’s blood-crusted tunic. She stopped short as she looked at Ky’s naked body, eyebrows shooting up in surprise. Ky awkwardly laid one arm across her chest. “Yeah, I’m, uh…”
“You’re hurt,” Yuane said, bringing a damp cloth towards her. “Lay back.”

Gosh it was really touching when all Yuane said was "you're hurt". I love it when such a minor detail in a story is so impactful.

“No trouble at all, sir,” Yuane answered.
“Good.” Aleth took his hand off Ky’s shoulder, and gestured at her vaguely. "We’re going to maintain this little charade – refer to Ky with masculine pronouns, the whole gambit to keep up appearances and convince everyone that our farce is genuine. Do you understand?”
“Yes, sir,” Yuane answered.

I'll admit, I'm a bit confused why Aleth first warned Ky against mistreating Yuane - which seemed very serious and genuine, unless he's just being a very good actor - and then later was totally okay with Yuane knowing that Ky was a girl. It could very well be I'm missing something since I only have a rough idea of the plot, but clearing that up a little probably wouldn't hurt.

“Thank you. You’re dismissed.” Aleth’s gaze snapped back towards Ky, and the same cruel, mirthless smirk spread across his face once more. “Don’t go anywhere, dear.”
Aleth patted her cheek condescendingly, then took his leave.

Another very minor nit-pick, but you've described Aleth "gazing" at Ky quite a bit - choosing a different noun or verb than "gaze" would add a bit of nice variety. Also, while we're here, this is a great example of what I meant by showing the characters' personalities instead of telling - descriptions and actions like "Aleth patted her cheek condescendingly" give me a really good idea of what's he's like, without you actually specifically saying, "oh, he's sort of awful". :)

She passed from consciousness to unconsciousness without much of a distinction between the two, thoughts feeling heavy and hot, like a damp towel held over her face on a summer afternoon.

The poet in me loves this description!

Her abdomen hurt too badly to dare movement.

Could just be me, but this feels a bit awkwardly worded - "to dare to move" makes more sense, to me personally, at least.

She lay passively, flat on her back, and stared at the cracking plaster of the ceiling overhead.
How had she managed to get herself into such a predicament? What was so wrong about her to have resulted in her life going as horribly wrong as it had so far?

Aaa I wrote a description just like this in one of my chapters - staring at the cracked, stained ceiling, regretting life xD Anyway, it's very effective, and I like how we get to see some of her thoughts in this section.

She’d simply pretend not to understand Lytiasian until Aleth got frustrated enough to turn her loose. And then she’d go home to Father and her farm, and all would be right in life again. She took a deep breath and let out a short sigh, closing her eyes as she settled back into her mattress, resolved to convince Aleth of her new plan, no matter what it took to do so.

Wow, a character actually coming up with a clever, logical plan that isn't impulsive and silly? Unheard of! Jokes aside though, she seems quite clever to figure this all out, and I hope it works for her - but have a feeling it might not? ;)

All in all, this is a great chapter! It was fun to read (I'll admit, I was a little bit sad when it ended), and I'm really liking Ky's character - Yuane seems nice too! Really my only critique was about a few of the descriptions, but that's mostly stylistic, so feel free to disregard my advice if you feel differently. I hope you find this review useful, and thanks again for requesting one!

whatcha




Shady says...


Thanks so much for the thoughtful review, @whatchamacallit! This was SUPER helpful and I really appreciate it!!

I really like your suggestions on the description, especially! @mellifera is constantly shouting about my descriptions needing to be better so it's an area I've actively been working to improve, and I really like the ideas you presented here, so I'll try to work those edits in.

Thanks again!! You're amaze <3



Hijinks says...


Aaa you're welcome! I'm glad you found it helpful!! <3 (And I'm definitely gonna head over to chapter 18, I need to know what happens next!)



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WaterSpout wrote a review...



Hello there, ShadowViper, I'm here to review your story. And because I haven't read the first parts, please ignore if I say something that has already happened in the story or if I get something wrong. That isn't likely to happen because I will try and correct grammar since that's my strong suit. Without further ado, I'll get started.

Behind her a lush green lawn stretched down to a massive stone wall that separated the estate from the bustling city life.

The exertion was making her light headed, and her body felt weak, as if it would collapse right there in the middle of the hallway.

Aleth took his hand off Ky’s shoulder, and gestured at her vaguely.

These are the comma mistakes. There are more, but I trust you will find them and fix them. Just add a comma if the word is bold and there is no comma, and delete the comma if the word is bold and has a comma. Also, on the second one, light headed[/b] should have a hyphen.

She worked in silence for many long minutes; Ky screwed her eyes shut tightly, clenching her jaw in an attempt to remain motionless, despite Yuane’s cloth making her wounds burn like fire.

I don't think cloth making need a space, so just add a hyphen. unless it does.
She gently helped Ky into a night shirt, then left, leaving Ky alone in the room.

[i]Nightshirt
is a word, so just remove the space
Most of Aleth’s gloating was lost in the painfilled haze, but that stuck in her memory prominently – he wanted her for her language skills.

Painfilled is not a word, so add a hyphen. Unless it is a word.

And I think that is it. If I miss any, hopefully future reviewers will point them out. I haven't anything else.
Anyways, hopefully you find this useful. Overall, I am curious where it will go.
With caution,

WaterSpout





Pain is filtered in a poem so that it becomes finally, in the end, pleasure.
— Mark Strand