the rain stings
as it hits my face
and i relish
the feel of the droplets
running down my
neck
soaking my shirt
the thud of my feet
hitting the gravel
almost skidding out of control
one misplaced step
could be the one that leads
to my fall
living on the edge
except i have been on more
dangerous edges
and this one pales in comparison
because if i trip and fall
i will only injure myself
my chest heaves and
i push myself to run faster
and faster
how far can i go
how much can i take
i long to fly
and this is as close as
i will get
to being one with the birds
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139,616 Literary Works • 672,629 Reviews
Hi, Bullet here to review.
. The imagery is really good, especially the bits about the rain and the gravel; it really sets the scene of where you're running.
As a fellow runner, and having just recently written a poem about running myself, I really liked this poem
There's no real flow or rhythm to this piece, though; it just seems to go and go with no real defined balance. As well, the ending feels a bit lacking, as if you just cut yourself off; again, the poem doesn't feel balanced. It feels heavy on the top half, really really great, and then it kind of just tapers off and loses that momentum.
This is a really great piece with lots of potential, but I feel like you finished it prematurely. Try to get more into the details of it, more imagery, more sensations. This is a great start, but it left me wanting more.
Keep running and keep writing,
- BJ.
Thank you for reviewing my work!
Greetings, I'm Thorn and I'll be reviewing for you today.
The first thing that made me think was how the words form on the mouth. All of it's very basic with a few syllables being rarely stressed. When syllables are calmer it is preferred by some to keep the stressing to as little as possible as it can affect the overall flow of the poem. I have an example of what I mean by stressed syllables:
The line 'almost skidding out of control' has a lot of emphasis on the hard 'd' and forceful 't' sound that occurs more than once while others are softer or less used. When saying something like 'control' you put a more focus on the syllable break before the 't' sound, so it comes out stronger. The stressing isn't a bad thing, but it's something to know about.
Sometimes the emphasis on sounds can work with your poem. I see a few examples here of what I mean. It draws the readers attention because of the change, so it helps with that unforgettable feeling poetry can give. Overusing this is rather easy though, so some would advice cutting up when and where you add in.
The word 'edge' has two sounds that come off with a stronger vibe. The 'd' and the 'g' sounds make this great for what I mentioned above.
Something I use to help me manage is reading them in your head and mouthing the word. If you have to breath between where a end of sentence would be something is making it drag out. That something can be usage of too many words, or it's the syllables I've mention a lot before this paragraph.
Not a bad poem. I love the simple elements and how emotion is voiced. It's emotional without having too many details, which is great for a simplistic style poetry work. There's a good balance between nitpick and what's amazing, so it isn't bad at all. It's good to me.
Catch you later.
Thank you for reviewing my work!
I really love simple poems such as these. They contain few words that really carry the moral, plot, story, etc., but somehow make it work without being too... what's the word? Ah, boring. This poem isn't at all boring despite its simplicity in nature.