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Starry Dance

by Sec1218

Silk flows as women of all ages are turned by their plus ones.

Young women, still looking like girls, gaze into their brother’s sparkling eyes.
Thin cheeks still soft as a rose petal and lips the color of cherries.
Their long lashes bat the shining eyes, brushing their gentle cheeks.
Middle-aged women look around the room, pulling at the knee of their long dresses.
Their ungrateful eyes dart around and they bite their plum colored lips.
Lines pull down their eyes and mouth, after years of frowning.
Frail old women cling to their husbands watching in glee, the twirling and spinning of the young ones.
They look into their husband’s unwavering eyes, and his eyes send a smile back at her without lifting a lip.
The women hold the sides of their dress up slightly, just as their mothers had taught them.
They cross their ankles and scarcely bend their knees outward.
The men return the gesture by placing one hand across the front of their body and one behind.
They create a ninety degree angle and then stand up sharply.
The ladies place theirs hands onto their date and he clasps his over hers protectively.
Middle-aged women snap their attention back to their husbands.
The lovely couples move across the floor, to the center.
The women place a hand on the men’s shoulder.
He releases her other hand and holds the middle of her back and she slips her other hand on his shoulder.
The music starts, the feet start moving.
They young women teeter, the veterans glide across the floor with the grace of an angel.
A soft tapping echoes off the light wooden floor.
Lights dim, feet move.
In a while the men lead their middle-aged wives to a table and seat them, grabbing drinks for both.
The beautiful young ones let their hair down, laughing in sheer joy.
Old women nest their heads on their husband’s shoulder.
Time flies by, golden locks hang over smooth arms.
Middle-aged women lead their drunken husbands to taxi’s.
Old couples slowly make their way out, the women’s heels clacking.
Young women with their brothers continue to twirl in pure bliss.
Hours slip away and finally the brother’s scoop up their loved one like a child and walk them home.
Stars gleaming overhead.

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6 Reviews

Points: 114
Reviews: 6

Mon Oct 26, 2015 3:12 am
TheDarkWriter says...


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518 Reviews

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Reviews: 518

Mon Oct 26, 2015 1:37 am
felistia wrote a review...

Hi Felistia here with a review.

What beautiful writing, unlike anything I have seen. I felt like I was right there dancing to the music to. The emotion in this excellent, it take the poem to where it should by. I love the way you used three different concepts in here the young girls, the middle women and the old ladies, it makes it all the more interesting. The colourful description in here is a perfect match for the story you tell. Even though some lines are very long and others are short the flow is still good. I will read this again and again.

Good work and I look forward to your next piece.

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1238 Reviews

Points: 35807
Reviews: 1238

Mon Oct 26, 2015 12:42 am
niteowl wrote a review...

Hi there Sec1218 and welcome to YWS! Niteowl here to review your poem.

Overall, I think you have an interesting concept here. It doesn't feel like anything I've read before, which is good! I also think you have a lot of images, which isn't a bad thing in poems.

However, I feel like it could be stripped down a bit. There's quite a few adjectives and adverbs. A long time ago, someone reviewing one of my creations told me to keep the adjectives to a minimum. I would try taking out all the adjectives and adverbs and then see which ones should stay and which can go. You will likely find that stronger nouns and verbs will be more vivid (e.g. "moved slowly" versus "dragged" or "plodded").

Lights dim, feet move.

This is a short yet powerful line, not tied down by descriptors. It really stands out in comparison to the longer wordier lines in the piece. I think making the other lines more like this one would make the piece even stronger. It's difficult to find the balance between too much description and not enough, especially in poetry.

One last comment: why are the young women dancing with their brothers? That seems really weird to me, especially since the storyline makes the young couples feel more like boyfriend/girlfriend.

Overall, I like what you're trying to do here, but I would work on stronger word choice and fewer adjectives. Welcome again and keep writing! :D

The roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is sweet.
— Aristotle