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Young Writers Society



Last Kiss

by Sec1218


That dog

She gave a feeling of false protection
l would let my seven-year old daughter play in our driveway
Each and everyday
As long as she didn’t go beyond our driveway
And no one would be brave enough to step
Remotely close towards her or our small white house
Because of our dog
lf anyone stepped one toe
Off the sidewalk line
Our big, ugly, black dog
Would growl
And bark her head off
And l would race to the window
Only to see a small boy running across the street
Other times l would sit and watch her
My small little girl
Playing with her pink and white volleyball
Not that she really knew how to play volleyball
Usually she would just toss it up and catch it
Toss it up again and catch it again, and again, and again
Sometimes l would hear the pound-tap-pound-tap-pound of
The volleyball hitting the ground and then slapping her hand
One day as she left the house with her pink and white volleyball
l decided to read a book in the living room
That day was the same as every other
Our dog was out still continually watching
l heard the familiar pound-tap-pound-tap-pound-tap
Then l didn’t
So l ran over to the window
But l was relieved to see the ball thrown up and falling back down
Over and over and over
That same day, l heard our dog barking
But l wasn’t concerned too much
She barked all the time at cars passing by
Or a leaf blowing in the wind
Or a frightened neighbor going for a walk
l glanced through the window when our dog barked
And l still saw the pink and white volleyball going up and down
So l returned to my book
lt had been a little over an hour and the sun was setting
l was about to call my beloved daughter in for supper
When l stepped out the door
l was horrified
My small child was in the center of the road
Chasing that wretched pink and white volleyball
The cars couldn’t see
And they were going so fast
That was the day
l witnessed my daughter’s death
l raced to the street
Knowing it was too late
l distinctly remember a car screeching
l heard her give a small gasp
Her last gasp
l ran to her side and slumped down next to her
Sprawled out body
So small on the hot pavement
l kissed her and brushed her blond hair out of her frail face
An ambulance came
But they came too late
l gave her one last kiss
And they took her on the ambulance
But l know when l gave her that last kiss
She opened her eyes and smiled


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User avatar
524 Reviews


Points: 7146
Reviews: 524

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Sun May 29, 2016 12:16 am
felistia wrote a review...



Hi Sec1218, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day and happy review day. :D

Theme: This poem is more of a story than a theme. I really like stories that are written in poetry form. This was heart breaking story for me.

Spoiler! :
You gave a sense of dread through out the poem, so that when the accident happened it felt really crushing. You put so much emotion into this poem through strong words and a gripping story.


Description: The description in this poem wasn't the best that I've seen, but I think that this poem was more about the story than the visuals. If you wanted to make the description more sophisticated you could try changing some of the words such as this sentence.
Playing with her pink and white volleyball
you could make the colours more specific like this
Playing with her raspberry and snow white volleyball
though this might mess up the flow. Anyway, it was just a suggestion if you wanted to make the description more interesting. :D

Grammar and Punctuation: There are a few grammar mistakes.
Or a frightened neighbor going for a walk
neighbor is spelt neighbour.
My small child was in the center of the road
center is spelled centre.
As for punctuation I definitely think your poem needs it. Since I'm not the best person to ask about punctuation, here is a pretty good article for poetry punctuation https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=12474.%20I

Rhythm: Your poem had a nice rhythm, but I think it would be better with some punctuation. :D

Overall it was a great poem and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night. :D

Your friend, Felistia. :D




User avatar
415 Reviews


Points: 246
Reviews: 415

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Wed May 04, 2016 4:07 am
Eros wrote a review...



Heyaa Sec!!

This is Eros here to review your beautiful poem!!

So, let us begin the review with the title. The title, " Last kiss " is itself very emotional. So, is the poem also. The title is attractive, catchy, and captivating. These are all the characteristics of a good title.

I liked how the poem flowed. One suggestion, though. Try to make it in stanzas. It is currently looking like one big stanza. So try to break it up in stanzas.
Rest, everything is SUPERB! I liked the theme of this poem. It was unique. I liked how you have expressed your emotions. This poem was full of deep emotions. It had a touch of melancholy spread throughout. I can sum up the story of the poem by saying:
The death of the dog. How it happened, how much you loved it, etc is edescribed very effectively.

The next thing which matters the most, is the choice of set of the words. I like your choice of set of the words. You have a great potential to express things very beautifully. I really like how the poem flowed. Very well done.

The main idea which forms the basis of the poem is also very beautiful and unique.

Thats is all what I want to say. Think over my suggestion, once.

Now, I would like to end up my review by these lines:

It was an AWESOME work!!
GREAT work!!
SUPERB work!!
Keep writing...
Never cease...
Because we all love to keep reading such beautiful works like this one.
Have a great day/ night!!
:D





The only way of knowing a person is to love them without hope.
— Walter Benjamin