Hands sweaty, fingers fragile
I don’t know if l can stand
Spilled milk, down this aisle
Wrist marked with rubber bands
Carts flying, people shouting
Crack my knuckles if l can
Aisle four, children pouting
Gentle smiles from a man
Eyes avert, wheels keep rolling
Touch my finger to my lips
Cheeks blush, he stopped strolling
I wink my eye just for kicks
Lips bitten, smiles given
Walk away, play hard to get
Leave a note so he’ll be smitten
He may call one day, just not yet
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139,548 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Hey, Ivy here for a review!
Alright..first of all this was an amazing poem, one i can relate to. I haven't much to change so this is going to be a really short review........
I really enjoyed reading this poem, my favorite part was defiantly when you wrote;
"Walk away, play hard to get
Leave a note so he’ll be smitten
He may call one day, just not yet"
However much like what aseel said in the review below me I'd change "bands" to "band" so it rhymes perfectly.......
OVerall this was a practically perfect poem...a true master piece of poetry. Great job and keep it up!
hey Sec1218,
First of all I like your poem. The story is nice. Well, it's the first time for me to read a poem telling this story, thought it happens a lot.
Anyway, I have only one thing to comment on. you said:
" Hands sweaty, fingers fragile
I don’t know if l can stand"
Then
"Spilled milk, down this aisle
Wrist marked with rubber bands"
I think if you get rid of the plural -s in the fourth verse, it'll rhyme perfectly with the second.
I also liked the part where you said:
" Walk away, play hard to get
Leave a note so he’ll be smitten
He may call one day, just not yet"
well, I like it when women are hard to get
That's all... Keep up