Young Writers Society

Hello, Shikora here with a review for you.

I know this is your first poem, so I'm here to help you out.

So I really like this poem, the name is really cool, it was a cool way to catch my attention. It was also nice to read a long poem, it has been a wile.
the emotion you put into this poem was nice to, it gave it more meaning. The words you chose also was really nice.
Over all I really liked reading your poem, but there was one thing I saw that I should point out.
I saw you didn't have any punctuation, now it doesn't make your poem bad, but it does affect the flow, and makes it a little harder to read. So I'm going to point out a place you should put some punctuation.

Sometimes it's hard to smile,
Sometimes it's hard to find joy.
I am often left in the dark,
I am often left feeling broken.
It feels like ice has taken over my heart,
Might as well take away my breath.

This is the first few lines of your poem. If you read threw this you'll it sounds a lot better now that I put some punctuation in.
If you're having a hard time putting it in the right places, then here is a tip. You can read your poem aloud to yourself, this is what I do, when ever I stop to paws is were I put a comma or something int that place.

But other then that small thing, I really enjoyed reading your poem and reviewing it for you. I hope to see more of your works on YWS soon, so I can jump in and review them for you. Never stop writing and have a great day/night.

Your friend
Shikora.

Hey ScarredSecrets!
I just wrote a Sestina this year and had a lot of fun, so I thought I’d pop by to review yours.

Might as well take away my breath

If only the pain would go away with a single breath

For some reason the first line here feels a little bulky to me? I think either going with something like, “I wish you could take away my breath” or “it feels like I’ve been robbed of my breath” might be good, either focusing on wanting no breath or the feeling or breath taken away. And in this second line, I think that “for a single breath” might be a little stronger than the current “with”.

Then maybe I could truthfully smile,
Place true happiness inside my heart.

Could “true” be replaced with something like “pure” to make it a little less repetitive?

Maybe...I'll always be broken,
Always be left in the dark

But...what if there is light outside the dark
What if...all I have to do is take a breath
Maybe...I won't always be broken
Maybe...there is truth behind the smile
Maybe "false" isn't the word to describe the joy.
I...think the ice is melting from my heart

All these ellipses...if you use them too much...the effect won’t be quite as...dramatic. For sure, use them to make a point, but don’t overuse them! (Something I do all the time myself)

Beating it's way out of the dark

*its

But...there is one thing that is still broken.
Let's push it away! Warmth fills my heart.

I think you might want to find something new to do with these two lines. You’re talking all about healing, then mention that something’s still broken—and that it should be pushed away. That doesn’t seem to fit with the rest of the healthy healing. I wonder if you could say something like, “But... though pieces of me are still broken//I know now that it’s okay; warmth fills my heart”. It all depends on the message you want to send, but the pushing away bit just pulls back from the rest of what you’ve got going on in that stanza.

I realized, you are the Light, Joy.

This is a little unclear and I wonder if you could expand o this concept? Joy is the light?

I was trapped in the dark, couldn't get out
Trapped by a broken heart
But the Light was the key, causing me to smile with Joy

This was a perfectly nice ending, but I was thinking that you could add some more oomph to it, to drive home the emotion and your point. No specific ideas about how to do that, but you might consider playing around with it some more!

I thought you stayed pretty true to the Sestina format until that last line, good for you! I know that it can get super repetitive,and I think you did a good job of avoiding that. One thing I might mention is that you have two stanzas of darkness and four of light—that’s fine if it’s the way you want it, but personally I would go with three and three to show that the darkness was powerful, and that the light has been so incredibly healing.

I think your punctuation could also use a little refining and experimenting, but your phrases are pretty good! I don’t think people often write about coming out of the darkness, at least not as much as being in it, so I thought that was really refreshing in your poem. Good job writing it! It’s a tricky format, and I think you made a lovely poem.

Have a nice day!
-Q