This is a beautiful poem @ScarredSecrets
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Alright! This is a true story! (My story). I’m well aware that the rhythm got completely obliterated at the end. Yeah. I know that but I wanted to post it for the words ^^ Enjoy!
Behind the smile there is pain
Behind the laugh, forever rain
Behind the grin there are tears
Behind the smirk there is fear
All of this due to one thing
The screams and shouts that make
ears ring
She puts on a smile, forces a laugh
All to evade her abusers wrath
She may make jokes, seem happy
and joyful
Watch her with her dog and seems
nothing but playful
But it’s a facade, sadly
She would give up her life gladly
But she doesn’t. Why?
Because of the only guy to see her
cry
Her best friend, her rock, her
foundation
With her till the end to heaven or
damnation
Her secret crush, her hand-to-hold
He is warm-hearted while she is cold
Shoulder-to-cry on, therapist indeed
A little spark has been planted like a seed
In a time of distress
Mutual feelings are confessed
Awkward, yet casual
They still talk like usual
Whether in happiness or gloom
Something greater may bloom
Patience is key, and he has it
She sits pondering, feeling doubt, out of habit
The secret crush, though not so secret now
Leaves her feeling why and how
Why would he like someone liked her?
Who is weak and annoying, wishing to be heard
He is feeling perhaps the same way.
Her reasoning is obviously portrayed
In the truth that she tells
Honesty is like a wishing well
The way she listens
This does more than glisten
He is supportive and caring
Also goofy and daring
Respectful and kind
Understands her state of mind
Wait there is more
Both are alike at the core
They share a childish nature
Don’t care about each other’s social stature
When one is down, the other picks them up
They won’t give up
Until one is smiling and laughing for real
They don’t need to take one out for a romantic meal
Who knows what is to come of this pair
Is there room in each heart to spare?
Behind the smile and the pain, lies something great
There is no way to escape this inevitable fate
Okay, it seems like there is nothing left to review, everyone has put in a lot of effort in giving their expertise. You may or may not agree with what i say here and I do apologize if I appeared harsh
In poetry, I tend to be simple enough to be understood easily, what's the point of writing something if your readers have to keep the google tab open, it is not like every reader here is a Keats or a Wordsworth.
But, to make it strike the readers' hearts and minds, we do use compelling words. We don't say it like "pen is red, the ink is blue...my dear friend I love you", it was simple enough to understand the love for the dear friend, but was that love based just around the pen and the ink ?
You don't have to force every word to rhyme. I found your poem at its best in the end, I felt like the writer was gradually feeling the weight of the emotions. In the beginning, it all felt to me like "the pen is red and the ink is blue".
You are young, I suggest you review other's works as much as you can, compare them all with one another, this way you'll learn a lot. You have the potential, keep it up :')
Radrook here to provide,
a review from which you can't hide.
So better get ready to listen.
Cuz I just got out of prison.
And aint in no prattling mood.
So just sit andah listen up dude!
All joking aside, please feel free to reject any suggestion found to be unhelpful. If indeed I offend, apologies since it is not intentional. That having been said:
Thanks for sharing this poem concerning two people who seem to have been born to be with one another. Finding a soul-mate like that is really a true blessing. I like the rhyming and the spontaneous way that the poem from from beginning to end, I can imagine someone reciting this like rap and pausing at critical points and picking up the rhyme again. Cool poem man.
Looking forward to reading more of your work.
Hello there!
Most of the things have been covered in other reviews. I am going to only tell you what I felt reading your poem. I could see the way you felt, looking normal from the outside and anything but normal from within. I liked the pace at which the poem flowed. I liked that it was quick and did not hover at the same place. I do feel a little more could be explored about the emotions involved when both are together. The last line was kind of an anti climax. It implies that what is decided will happen. I would have liked it better had you left it unsaid or maybe justified it a bit more. If this is your true story, you are one lucky girl to find someone that cares so deeply for you. I wish you the best. Keep writing.
So to bounce off what @TheBlueCat said about emotions and imagery/figurative language--
I think these two things often go hand-in-hand in poetry. The emotion in this poem falls a little flat, although the potential is definitely there because we see that the narrator has been abused and that the person she has a crush on is her best friend who has uplifted her through all of it. It falls flat because the narrator states everything in general terms, describing the love interest as "goofy and daring/respectful and kind."
I would want to see this poem dig deeper and get more specific - I think people don't often think of specific details as "imagery" but it counts! Rather than saying "goofy and daring/respectful and kind," consider details that would show this about this person. What are some fond memories the narrator has of this person's goofiness and kindness? Is there anything in particular he's said or done that really warm the narrator's heart? Including these details will really make us feel what the narrator feels about this person.
I'm also not sure about the end - it feels like the narrator is saying this relationship is doomed, but from what I read it sounds like the feelings are mutual? So I'm not sure where this tension arises from, unless it's the narrator's own insecurities. Which I guess is fine, thinking about that again. Maybe it's just that the insecurities should be mentioned further down in the poem, closer to the end, so that it ties together more clearly.
Hello ScarredSecrets! c: Cat here for a quick review! Let's get started then, shall we?
Clarity
You got your point across really nicely, and after a second read through, it was perfect! Most poems are supposed to be read through more than once anyways. There are a couple places where you were beating around the bush, but you reeled yourself back in really quickly, so I won't pound you there.
Flow
I adore rhyming poems, mostly because I can't ever seem to do them well myself, but your rhyme scheme was a little inconsistent at the beginning. I however don't see what you were talking about with the rhyme at the end. I think it ends off very nicely!
Imagery
Imagery, I do have to say, is a little weak at points, but I don't feel compelled to tell you to add any. I think it has it's own weird way off marrying small imagery and more descriptive parts. The thing I love about strong imagery is that I can vividly see a picture in the poem, so I guess a little wouldn't hurt? I'd suggest adding metaphors and other imagery devices if you feel like adding any.
Emotion
Emotion is a little weak, especially in a poem like this that has the potential to have a lot of emotion poured into it. I'm not sure how to advise you to add more, but maybe add more of your thoughts and feelings? Those can add a lot of personal emotion in.
Specific line thoughts
There were a couple lines that felt a bit awkward and I wanted to show you them quickly.
I understand what you are trying to say here, but it comes across a bit awkwardly. Maybe go for something along the lines of 'it's forever raining'? I know it may mess with your rhyme scheme, but it just kind of doesn't work for me.Behind the laugh, forever rain
My only thing here is that I would add a 'she' in between 'and seems'Watch her with her dog and seems
nothing but playful
This feels like an after thought kind of line just to keep rhyming. It may work a little bit better if you remove the 'is'.Honesty is like a wishing well
Points: 1335
Reviews: 45
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