Young Writers Society

Radrook here for a review.
Please feel free to ignore any suggestion deemed unhelpful.
If I offend my apologies. Not intended.

Thanks for sharing this poem in which a persona or perhaps the author expresses the desire to enjoy the lifestyle of a carnivorous wild beast. The poem expresses admiration for the predator/prey situation where the predator unmercifully dominates. The speaker desires to participate in the infliction of fear, the dominance of the weak, and the thrill of the chase and the kill of weaker creatures. The strong desire for that kind of existence is very effectively conveyed and I just couldn't help but wonder why.

BTW

Please note that some readers might understand this as human lust for power and dominance over others and consider the personality traits undesirable. Not saying that this is necessarily the inevitable case, just saying that is the impression that some readers might get.

Suggestion

The meter is more or less acceptable until the following wolf part is introduced. I also had trouble accepting a wolf as the mightiest of beasts as opposed to a lion, tiger. grizzly bear, rhino, elephant, hippo, etcetera.

“That the wolves play....”



Thanks for sharing. Looking forward to reading more of your work.

Hi ScarredSecrets! I enjoyed this first poem of yours very much!

As I began reading the piece, I immediately picked up on the rhyme - I enjoyed that aspect of the poem, it flowed pretty smoothly. I was digging it until I got to the introduction of the furs "...with fur that is grey, white, tan or black" I really disliked this line xD

On the one hand, I think it feels a bit filler-y. Like, there's a certain number of rhythms and you know you have to rhyme with "pack" and so it feels kind of forced to insert all these colors kind of nonchalantly. I also think that it came as a weird surprise. I was reading this poem with a spiritual kind of meaning at first, so when the wolf thing came up, I thought it was kind of random! But if the werewolf thing was the intention from the beginning - maybe allude it in the title? Or perhaps I might suggest beginning immediately with the wolf? Because it felt to me like it comes out of nowhere and seems so random!

That being said, I loved this line:

Fill the weak—the sheep—with fright

Hey, I was going to write a review but my sibling is around so I hope to review your next work!

oooo....wow...amazing!! Your First work is great!!

Welcome to Young Writers Society. I am quite new here too. I have only been here for a few weeks and I am still quite confused but i am starting to figure it out.
Ok on to the review. It's a nice poem. i like how detailed it is and there are lots of lines in here I really like. I really like the lines "be one with the shadows, quicker than light" and "Fill the weak—the sheep—with fright" are very good lines that really stood out to me. I also think the final line is also really good.
Her are a few suggestions. Try to get rid of as many unneeded words in this as possible that helps keeps the poem sharp and quick. Some examples of that is on the second line get rid of one of the "runs" or two but I think having two "runs works better. Another example when getting a word can help the poem is when you describe the colors of the fur take away one of adjectives to shorten the line a little. I recommend making it "white tan or black".
Another thing I suggest is that the first time you mention my dream change that to something else like "I want to be one with the pack" only because the final time you mention the dream the right after it makes it sound important and only using the term my dream once can help increase the impact of the poem.
Another thing I would suggest is change "always work together" with "stick together" I do not know why I just like that more. Also add "the" before night in the third to the bottom line.
You can follow all, some or none of my suggestions it is up for you to chose what you think works best for this poem. Overall this is a good poem and I cannot wait to see what else you write.

I like this first work of yours because it gives the reader a sense of valor - As if we're in a wolf pack, as if we're going to be there until the very end.

You created unique rhymes that fit the whole embodiment of this poem, even though not all of them fit perfectly. The mood you set inspires readers to push on! I haven't seen too much poetry on YWS like this. (They're edgy, lmao) This poem was very easy to understand and connect to.

One piece of advice I have is to use symbolism. Giving readers a direct say on what's going on can only get you so far. Symbolism can communicate the deeper ideas you wrote out here but on a whole other level. Using clear imagery can help, as well.

I'm not a poetry specialist, but I like reading poetry works because they're simply different from stories.

Good work!

-Manilla out
(Feel free to disregard any unhelpful comments.)

Hi! I just want to say, this is a really cool poem. I love the idea that the narrator wants to be something that they're not, and the many interpretations that holds within it.

Onto the review portion!

First of all, you grammar is on point, so go you! However, it was evident from line 1 that this poem was meant to be written in meter, and there are a few places where that goes a little awry. I've suggested to other writers that they take leaves out of Shakespeare's book here, and I think that would possibly benefit you as well. Look at the way the Bard used simple one-syllable words to correct his meter, and how he was sure to make the stresses fall in the right place. A way to catch yourself on this is to reread your work multiple times to make sure the stress falls right, or to have other people proof it! it's only a little loose in a couple places, though, so once again, good job to you!

I love the feeling this creates, and how it focuses on the wolf instead of just on a vague concept. You do a great job of developing your idea and driving it home rather than just wasting your time chasing rabbits and ending up nowhere. Keep it up!

Overall, this was a great poem, and if you just fix those couple meter issues, you're gold!