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Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

Equivalent Worlds - Chapter Three

by ScarlettFire


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

For Tenyo's LMS contest. Word Count: 1085, approx.

Chapter Three

Amerys met Emir's gaze and jerked his head to the side, indicating that he wanted to speak with the other man. He kept glancing at Seth. The boy was infuriating. More than he had imagined he might be. He hoped that he might be able to bounce some ideas off the other man.

"Problem?" Emir asked in Ansharian as soon as they were close enough to speak quietly.

"The boy-- I don't think he knows who he is."

"Or what," the other man muttered, glancing towards where Seth stood, staring up at the small ship they'd used to find him. "He has no idea what he's doing, sir." Emir gestured towards the boy, scowling. "He's had no training whatsoever, which means he's leaking emotions all over the place. I'm surprised you can't pick up on them yourself."

Amerys shook his head, following his second's gaze. "Not yet," he replied, lowing his voice futher. "You know as well as I do that I won't...not until we're bonded." He scowled. Damned Kavian biology. He was full-blooded Anshari, without a speck of Kavian. He would not be able to sense anything from the boy until there was a connection, until the boy let him in. This was nothing like with Sam. He sighed.

Emir patted his shoulder. "Give it time," the other man said and pulled away, returning to Samrira's side. Amerys watched him go with slight frown. He carefully rearranged his features into something carefully netural and joined them.

"I'm still confused," Seth muttered, looking from Sam to Amerys to the rest of their small group. "Who are you all? And what's this nonsense about protecting me?" Amerys watched as he gestured to the ship. "And what the hell is that?"

"That's a shuttle," Sam told him, her tone clearly conveying her annoyance. He felt the same; it was as if trying to explain things to a child. And he supposed, in a way, they were. Seth knew nothing of who or what he was, or who they were. That much was very clear to him. "We'll be taking it off planet."

From somewhere near the front of the house, there was more shouting. All in Anshari. Amerys froze, glancing back towards the rear of the house. That had been Hakor ordering his soldiers to push forwards. He turned towards his men, marching forwards to grab Seth by the elbow and drag him closer to the ship.

"We must go," he said, knowing he was repeating himself. "Hakor is storming the house."

"What?" Seth. Again, confused. "What's happening?"

Amerys cursed himself. He'd spoken Ansharian. He quickly switched back to English. "We must go; the man who has your friends? That is Hakor. He is storming the house."

Seth swung around to look back, worried. "But--my friends!"

"We've had this conversation," he snapped, jerking the young man back round to face him, gripping both his elbows tightly. Blue-green eyes, so much like Samira's, glared up at him, anger making them almost glow. Amerys made note of that. Seth was very close to shattering whatever it was that hid what he was. "Later, Sethos."

"My name," the boy ground out, "is Seth. Not Sethos. Seth."

"If you insist," he muttered, slipping into Ansharian again, frustration growing. He gave Seth a none-too-gentle shove towards the ship's open door. He glared at the boy when he merely stumbled for a few steps and came up short. Before he could say anything else, Samira glided into place beside her brother, taking his elbow.

"Come on," she said gently, in English. "Let's get on the shuttle, and later--" She paused meaningfully and threw him a glare before continuing, "--we can rescue your friends."

Seth seemed to hesitate, even as he let his sister lead him onto the ship. Amerys and the others followed closely behind. He knew the boy didn't know why Samira looked so much like him, and he knew that they would need to do a lot of explaining, but for now... Well, for now. They just needed to get him away from Hakor and his minions.

The door rose up behind him--Amerys had made sure he was the last to board--and clicked into place with a loud locking noise. He stalked forwards, past all of them, and into the cockpit, glancing towards Anaua and his sister.

"We ready to go, sir?" Anaua asked, not questioning him about the success or failure of the mission yet. Suvan, his sister, just watched him with curious eyes. When he didn't reply, Anaua added, "Sir?"

"Yes," he grunted, striding over to the Kavian's seat and gripping the back of it. He peered through the main window of the cockpit, scanning the yard and what he could see of the street to the left. "We just have a small problem."

"A problem?" Suvan asked, making him glance towards her. "What kind of problem?"

"Hakor."

"Oh, shit..." Her face scrunched up in distaste. "We need to get out of here."

"Yes," he said, turning to look out the window again. "Prepare to lift off."

They both nodded, turning their attention to the controls before them. Amerys remained focused on the view outside. The shuttle rumbled to life with a tiny whine and a growl, vibrating softly as they began to rise up into the air. Seth's panicked mutterings reached them from the other section of the shuttle. Amerys found it easy to ignore--for the moment, anyway.

As they cleared the roof of the house, Hakor and his men turned to look up at that. He grinned, blowing the other Anshari a kiss. He knew Hakor could see him, and it was worth it to see the older Anshari's expression grow thunderous. Amerys watched as the other man turned to begin shouting orders. Some of the soldiers fired at them, but the blue plasma from their weapons struck the shuttle's shields and bounced off. His grin grew.

Hakor knew better than to try and shoot his ship down. Instead, he was ordering a retreat. The other Anshari would regroup and come for them again, but for now... For now, Amerys had them both.

"I believe we've caused enough problems for him," he announced and pushed off Anaua's chair, turning to head back into the rear of the shuttle. "Set a course for the Thanatos."

"Yessir."


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99 Reviews


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Sat Jan 26, 2019 5:05 am
Xorsudite wrote a review...



A little too short, in mine opinion, but nevertheless a well-written chapter.

See mine (notes) and /*edits*/ below.

"The boy-- (remove the space)I don't think he knows who he is."


Amerys shook his head, following his second's gaze. "Not yet," he replied, lowing his voice futher /*further*/. "You know as well as I do that I won't...not until we're bonded." He scowled. Damned Kavian biology. He was full-blooded Anshari, without a speck of Kavian. He would not be able to sense anything from the boy until there was a connection, until the boy let him in. This was nothing like with Sam. He sighed.

Emir patted his shoulder. "Give it time," the other man said and pulled away, returning to Samrira's /*Samira's*/ side. Amerys watched him go with /*a*/ slight frown. He carefully rearranged his features into something carefully netural /*neutral*/ and joined them.


"What?" Seth /*said*/. Again, confused. "What's happening?"


On to the next chapter.




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Sat Apr 01, 2017 6:03 am
Mea wrote a review...



Hey there! I thought I'd go ahead and review this since I enjoyed the previous chapters and needed something to review today.

So, something that sort of distracted me while reading this was the similarity between Sam and Seth's names. It wasn't a problem when I was in either one of their heads, probably because you could tell who was narrating, but I got them mixed up a bit in this chapter. It doesn't help that Sam's name is both masculine and feminine. I'm sure you probably don't want to change the name, though, and I'm sure I'll get used to it.

For now, Amerys had them both

Okay, so this was probably completely intentional, but now I can't help but be a little suspicious of Amerys' actual motivations. He makes it sound almost like a competition, not like he's helping Sam out, which is what I'd thought. I'm not sure he has their best interests at heart.

In general, I'm not sure I like Amerys. He seems to have a quick temper and is a bit vindictive. You do a great job of making his dialogue feel natural, though, despite the fact that it's often intended to drop little clues to the reader about what's going on and who Seth is.

I'm really interested in the comments about Seth spilling emotion and how there's clearly some psychic stuff going on. I'm also really wondering how/why they know English - it doesn't seem to be a translator or anything, just like they actually had to learn it, so how and why did they learn it, if Earth isn't that important other than for being where Seth is? That makes me think Earth is important for some reason.

If I had to critique one thing, I'd say that Hakor's soldiers never seem to get that close to the group, and so that tension isn't as high as it could be, and if I think about it too much, it makes me wonder what the soldiers are actually doing. How long does it take to kick a door open and swarm the not-terribly-large house? It's already taken several minutes to get Seth to come.

But honestly, I'm fishing for critiques here. This was a completely functional chapter. They escape, we're given some vital clues, and now poor Seth is going to have his whole world turned upside down. I'm very curious, but I also feel a little bit bad for him. :P

And that's all I've got for this chapter! Good luck, and keep writing.




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Sun Mar 26, 2017 9:00 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



Sorry in advance because this one is gonna be short!

ANYWAY, I thought this was reasonably solid, considering I haven't read the prior chapters. I didn't get lost or confused as to what was happening. The only thing that did get confusing was "the other man."

Amerys met Emir's gaze and jerked his head to the side, indicating that he wanted to speak with the other man. He kept glancing at Seth. The boy was infuriating. More than he had imagined he might be. He hoped that he might be able to bounce some ideas off the other man.


I know it gets tough when you've got a bunch of people in a room together and most of them are the same gender, because "he/she" can lose us and names can get overused. But "the other man" should be used sparingly. Partly because it starts to sound weird really quickly, and partly because it can also get confusing, as it could refer to any other man in the room. The "his sister" sort of thing works better, because it's more specific and doesn't get old as fast.

By my count, "the other man" appears five times in this chapter, which is not that long. (Twice just in that first paragraph!) Whoa, buddy. I'd try to cut that down to once. Think about other ways you can label these people! What is their relationship to each other? Their respective ages? Their job titles? Their roles onboard the ship? Try using some of those labels instead.





I was never insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched.
— Edgar Allan Poe