Young Writers Society

Got burned out focusing on Breaker of Chains, so I decided to turn mine attention elsewhere.

There are great improvements in this piece over your older writing. You've definitely gotten better at establishing a rich cast, which I like. Samira is an intriguing and gritty heroine that I want to know more about.

The description is excellent; I can tell you've done some extensive research in order to capture a vivid view of Earth from space. Also liked the ship's description, and the part with the star globe.

Overall, I like this novel so far. Both ally and enemy seem to be looking for her brother for whatever reason, and the outcome of the plot depends on whom wins the race. As a fan of sci-fi stories, I sincerely look forward to seeing how this plays out.

See mine (notes) and /*edits*/ below.

The Sun began to peek around the edge of the planet as Samira watched through the thick glass of the Thanatos'/*s*/ Viewing Deck, casting streaks of red-gold-pink across the planet's surface. It was as if she were watching a painter in action. Beautiful, she thought, leaning on the railing set a few feet from the glass. And a part of what makes me, (change comma to ellipsis) me.

/*Samira gazed intently through the thick glass of the Thanatos's Viewing Deck. The sun barely peeked over the edge of the planet, casting streaks of red and gold across the surface. It was like watching a painter in action. Beautiful, she thought, leaning on the railing set a few feet from the glass. And a part of what makes me...me.*/ (note: if the noun is singular, there is always an "s" after the apostrophe. Example: Uranus's rings. The apostrophe only goes after the "s" if the noun is plural. Example: peoples' habits. Dogs' crap. Savvy?)

She sighed, tracing a finger over the glass, and frowning down at the swirl of blue-green-grey (since the oceans are described later on, I found this to be redundant). It should have felt like going home, like finding a piece of the puzzle that was her. It didn't. It felt strange and alien, and nothing like home at all. Samira rested her head against the glass, squeezing her eyes shut. Where are you?

Sam had searched all over the damn galaxy, and had (insert period, capitalise "all") all the clues, all the rumours, had led her here. To this small, almost unnoticed planet. She sighed, opening her eyes to stare out the window again/*,*/ at the slowly rotating hunk of rock in front of her. She'd heard it was a very unique place, with a vast array of plant and animal life. And then, of course, there were the humans. According to every /*book*/ she'd ever read on them--and from her mother's first-hand accounts--they were pretty damned destructive. Yet they could also be incredibly peaceful.

For all of Earth's flaws, all it's civil wars and fighting, the pollution... It was a part of her. She couldn't deny that. Not when she was staring down at it, brow furrowed as she scanned over the clouds covering the part that faced the ship. She exhaled, breath fogging up the glass, and pulled away from it. She hold /*held*/ onto the rail tightly, the cool metal grounding her in the now.

A throat clearing behind her had Samira jerking upright and spinning to face the intruder. The tall, pale-haired man standing behind her smiled. She should've know /*known*/ he would sneak up on her. He liked to do that a lot, and always used some excuse about her hearing not being as good as his. She narrowed her gaze when he gave her a tiny smirk.

"Taking a look at the planet part of you comes from, hm?"

"It's quite pretty," she said, turning back to the view out the window. Her gaze roved over a particularly red-brown spot, then drifted to the deep blue-green that covered most of the planet, clouds swirling slowly over some of it. "Is that really where my brother is?"

"I'm sure," the man replied, coming to stand beside her. He rested a hand on her shoulder. Sam didn't have the heart to reject the comfort he was obviously giving her. They'd fled her father's home planet before Hakor or the others got to her. "Would you like me to have Emir scan the planet for you?"

"That would be helpful, yes." She listened to him walk away a few steps. "I'd like to land as close to him as possible. It's of utmost importance."

Her companion paused. "I understand."

"Thanks, Amerys. I owe you one."

"No, you don't."(I liked this exchange. Shows the relationship between them)

She listened to his footsteps as he strode out of the room. They echoed on the metal flooring until he was no longer in the room. She relaxed a little and turned her back on the view of earth (capitalise "earth") through the Viewing Deck's window (redundant. We already know she's at the Viewing Deck, and looking out the window). Inside, it was all grey metal with black accents and pale blue lighting. She liked the atmosphere of the Thanatos. It was calming. Usually. Recently, it had been full of tension. Now that they had evaded Hakor and the other group, they'd found a moment to calm down.

Stars exploded out of it, and the lights /*throughout the deck*/ on the Viewing Deck dimmed. She turned to glance at the glass behind her. It had turned dark and opaque, cutting off her view of the planet below. The stars and galaxies span /*spun*/ around her once, twice, three times--and then zoomed in on the little planet they were orbiting.

Emir sighed. "That's the best I can do, I'm afraid." He turned towards them, waving one hand over the over /*other*/ to shut down the map. The stars and galaxies were sucked into a tiny pinpoint of light before flickering out of existence. Samria (you've spelt it as "Samira" and now "Samria". Which one is it?) frowned at the tiny orb sitting quite innocuously on its stand. "When I try to zoom in more, to triangulate his exact location, something throws me out of the system." Emir's face scrunched up. "Every. Single. Time." (this minor system failure caught mine attention. I wonder why he can't pinpoint his location, and whom might be interfering)

"It is," Amerys muttered, glancing towards her as she joined him by the window. Together, they stared down at the planet that held the answers to so many secrets, and possible /*possibly*/ an heir to the largest empire in the know /*known*/ universe--or at least, in the Lyra Constellation. How in all the universe was she supposed to track down her brother in an Earth city with no idea what he looked like or who was friend or foe? Sam didn't have the answer to that question, but she sure as all Lyra was going to figure it out quickly.

Hey! It’s the chirave canicthus, here to review your work! I’m going to be going through all that you’ve got up so far, so tell me if there’s anything in this review that you’ve already focused on so I don’t need to bug you later?

I really like the setting description in this! It immediately puts us in the story’s time and place. The colourful description of Earth is really nice and it’s cool that this isn’t just a one-time description. Your descriptions of space are really vivid. It’d be cool to get more description of the spaceship’s interior, though.

Everything feels really distant in this chapter. I can see that the characters are looking for something, or more so someone, but it definitely seems they’ve still got a cool head about this mission. They aren’t too nervous not to banter, showing how close all these characters seem, and it’s nice that the mission has more results already than it did last time. I definitely get a feeling of anticipation from this chapter, and I can tell we’re clearly in for a ride. We’ve got a destination, a vague-ish kind of objective, and the people willing to do it. I can only wonder why they’re looking for this person… It looks like this is going to be a very successful mission, but we wouldn’t have a plot if that was the case, would we?

Also, is Samira a human? She seems to act as if humans are some other species, and looks down onto them. This really points out that this is a future where they’ve transcended humanity’s wars and whatnot. Her mother’s clearly human, and when Amerys points out Earth is just *part* of her, then it sounds like she’s only half-human. I’m interested in seeing how this plays out in the future, to be honest. It’s cool that she’s written so we know she’s clearly different from humans/in a futuristic setting.

All in all, I really can’t wait for what’s going to happen next. In this prologue, everything seems set up and ready to go. I don’t understand why this isn’t a first chapter, though. I’ll probably find out in Chapter 1! Your characters are described really well and I can get a good visual on how they look. It really grounds your reader into the story. I really liked the way you described your setting, especially the planets! I hope that the rest of this story turns out really great and wish you the best for LMS!

K, super late to the party. I don't have an actual review, I thought this was pretty solid, but I just wondered about this.

urned to face the other dark-skinned alien

Greetings! Your story caught me attention and so here I am! Let's get started with this review!

Criticism:
"It felt strange and alien, and nothing like home at all." While this isn't wrong, I think it might be quicker and better to say "It felt strange, alien, and nothing like home at all."

'She *held* onto the rail tightly, the cool metal grounding her in the now.' Is the correct way to say that.

'Sam didn't have the heart to reject the comfort he was obviously giving her.' Again, while this isn't wrong, I think it might be quicker and better to say 'Sam didn't have the heart to reject his comfort.'

I also suggest you do not alternate between Sam and Samira because it might be confusing.

Criticism aside, I liked this. It was good beginning and caught my interest almost instantly. I am really excited in watching the characters develop. Keep writing

Hi there, ScarlettFire

So, I really like your premise. It feels (potentially) refreshing. I hope you manage to realise its potential.

I also like the way you write, especially the way you used colour. The Prologue was an easy read and you hooked me from the beginning.

There are some things I think you could improve on, of course. Let's run through them:

- Your description of humans (capable of war ... and peace) from an alien point of view doesn't feel particularly original or interesting. Noticeably, it feels like something a human would say. I can't but help feel this may be a missed opportunity to explore both the alien-ness of your protagonist and perhaps the nature of humanity in a more original way.

- Coming off of the last point ... your characters feel very human for aliens. Maybe that's intentional and the aliens in your story really are meant to be just like humans, but it felt a little jarring.

- I dislike not knowing what your characters look like. My gut says you don't need to go in-depth with painting a vivid picture at this point, but I do think drip-feeding clues would help make the Prologue more visual.

- I'm not sure you understand what 'alien' means. It doesn't really mean 'someone from space', it means 'someone from somewhere else'. From the perspective of a Martian, for example, a human on Mars would be the alien. Your protagonist should not think of herself or her colleagues as aliens.

Perhaps some (or all!) of my suggestions are unfair and miss what you're trying to get at. That's fine. Have a muse on them and take or leave as you see fit. At any rate, I enjoyed your prologue and I'll be keeping an eye out for the first chapter.

Hey Scarlett! It's Quill here with a review.

I tend to be nitpicky, so let's dive into that and I'll comment on finer elements in a bit.

According to every

To this small, almost unnoticed planet.

all it's civil wars

She hold onto the rail tightly

They'd fled her father's home planet before Hakor or the others got to her.

She liked the atmosphere of the Thanatos. It was calming. Usually. Recently, it had been full of tension. Now that they had evaded Hakor and the other group, they'd found a moment to calm down.

"Yes, please," she said, and turned to face the other dark-skinned alien who'd followed Amerys into the room.

Samira squinted to read the word beside it and realised it was the Thanatos.

"Not very helpful?" Amerys offered with a frown. She exchanged a confused look with his frustrated one.

Emir's face scrunched up. "Every. Single. Time."

in the know universe--or at least,