Young Writers Society

I enjoyed how startling and action-packed this chapter was. I thought it was a smart move to have Samira immediately find Seth, instead of writing a tedious search. It throws the reader straight into the heat of things.

See mine (notes) and /*edits*/ below.

The piercing shrillness of Seth's alarm /*snapped him awake*/ woke him up, and he rolled over to silence it. Once it was quiet, he (redundant) /*He*/ lay there for a moment/*,*/ basking in the absolute stillness of the house and nursing a piercing headache. Seth /*He*/ frowned. Alec wasn't playing any music. /*He couldn't hear Sofia in the kitchen making her usual breakfast*/--and there wasn't any noise from the kitchen, no sounds of someone--Sofia, probably--making breakfast. He frowned and sat up, reaching for his phone to double-check the time. It was ten in the morning, on a Saturday. Someone else should have been there, should be up.

Seth /*He*/ stumbled out of the bed, snagging his jeans off the floor and pulling them on. Something was... wrong. He didn't know what or how, but something was most definitely wrong. His housemates were never usually this quiet unless they were asleep. Perhaps he should check if they were asleep or not? That might reassure him that the wrongness he was feeling was... unfounded?

Plan fully formed and firmly in mind, (show, don't tell) Seth /*He*/ slipped out into the hall, glancing up and down it. The front door was partially open, swinging gently in the breeze. Seth /*He*/ frowned at it, then turned to the two open doors in the hall. He could see Alec and Sofia's beds from where stood. Both were empty.

"What the hell?" he whispered, glancing towards the front door again. Where were his housemates? And why was the front door open? Seth /*He*/ shook his head and turned to head for the front door. "Alec?" he called, glancing into the kitchen and then the bathroom as he passed them. Those rooms were empty, and so was the lounge room. Seth /*He*/ reached the door and tugged it open slightly. "Sofia?"

An arm snaked around his throat, pulling him backwards. Seth struggled, kicking out--and hitting the door; (change semicolon to period, capitalise "it") it swung shut in the process. He grabbed at the arm, trying to twist in his attacker's hold, but he was held firmly against a man's solid chest. Seth /*He*/ felt the pressure on his throat increase, and his lungs seized up. He panicked, struggling harder, fingernails scraping at the arm around his throat. The other hand, he realised, was on his hip.

"Shh," the man hissed--(change dash to period, capitalise "and")and that's when the shooting started. The stranger took them both to the ground, pressing him into /*the*/ ground and shielding him from the sudden (redundant) onslaught of gunfire. Seth turned his head enough to take a look towards the front of the house. Pale blue light flickered through the window, and then into the lounge room window. It shattered, and suddenly the stranger was leaning over him, shielding him from the glass as it scattered over them.

Seth stared at the face that was suddenly (redundant) opposite his, at the near-white hair and tanned skin--and the eerie amber-coloured eyes. He opened his mouth just as a /*the*/ gunfire ceased. The strange, white-haired man clamped a hand over him /*his*/ mouth, silencing him before he'd even begun to speak.

"They want to kill you," the man whispered, pulling back and rising to crouch beside him. Seth pushed up into a crouch as well, studying the amber-eyed man warily. His apparent rescuer wore tight pants--(change dash to period, capitalise "he")he thought they were jeans, but a closer look told him different; they almost looked like something he'd see in a sci-fi game--and a loose shirt that wrapped around to tie in the side, looking like something Seth saw the monks wearing in those Chinese kung fu movies he liked to watch. The boots looked fairly standard, if somewhat glow-y... (change ellipsis to period) He took a close look and realised they were made out of something metal and flexible. On the other man's hip was a gun--again, something that would fit better in a sci-fi game--and slung across his back was what appeared to be a sword, the hilt protruding over his left shoulder. "We must go."

"What?" Seth hissed, staring at the man for a moment. That earned him a dark look and a gesture towards the shattered window, and the street beyond. Seth /*He*/ dragged his gaze off his strange (redundant. You've already painted the picture that he looks strange to Seth) rescuer to look out the window. He could see a couple of white-haired men and women standing on the street, all holding similar weapons to his rescuer's. "Oh, shit."

Seth flinched, and backed /*backing*/ (more immediate) away at the look the man gave him, turning to scramble for the hall just as more pale blue gunfire broke out, hitting the house and shattering another window. They reached the kitchen and ducked around the low wall separating it from the front room of the house.

Together, they peaked over the wall. From where they were crouched, Seth could see out both windows. The one on the right showed three people, (change comma to period, capitalise "one") one woman, two men. Seth decided to call them foot soldiers. The one on the left showed him the creep from the bar and two kneeling figures, dark hoods over their heads. They were obviously prisoners. He looked towards the other man, alarmed. The other man held out a hand, gaze focused on the creep and the two prisoners.

"Send the boy out here or the humans die," the creep called in clear, crisply accented English. Seth watched as two more of the foot soldiers stepped up behind the prisoners and promptly pulled their hoods off. He half-rose, swallowing hard, fear and anger /*mixing queasily in his gut. A hand grabbed his arm, restraining him.*/ mixing together in his belly to make him fel unreasonably queasy--and only stopped because of the hand on his arm. He glared at the other man, pushing away everything else but the anger he felt at seeing his friends bound and gagged. "Come on, Sethos. I know you're in there."

"No." The word was /*a*/ stern command. The man's gaze narrowed dangerously again and his amber eyes turned serious. Seth's glare turned withering. The man's eyes went freezing cold. "No. I won't repeat myself." He pointed at Seth, then at the ground. "You, stay here."

"Yes, you can," the other man hissed, grabbing his wrist and jerked /*jerking*/ it off the top of the wall. "Do you want them to kill you as well?"

They both turned towards the hall at the sound of a woman's voice. Seth froze. It was almost like looking into a mirror, if that mirror showed him what he'd looked like as a woman (I liked this sentence. We immediately know whom it is, despite her name not being mentioned.). He took in her long, dark thinly braided hair and the bright blue-green eyes, the pale skin, her warm and slightly smirking smile. She wore an outfit similar to the other man's, though hers hugged her waist and accentuated everything. He couldn't help staring at her.

Two other people stood near the back door with the woman. Both were men, and they looked a little different to Amerys. One was tall and dark-skinned with short, black feather-like hair and the other was more like the woman, but also dark skinned. His shoulder-length hair was twisted into very thing /*thin*/ dreadlocks and pulled back into a stern ponytail.

"Let's go," the shorter man said, and turned to swing the back door open, disappearing around the corner of the doorframe. The other two followed him out, leaving Seth alone with his strange (again, redundant) rescuer, Amerys.

Seth turned his back on the door, pushing at Amerys'/*s*/ chest. The man was a head taller them /*than*/ him. "We have to go back for my friends!" he insisted, giving him another shove. He didn't want to admit it, but he was very confused and very angry--what the hell was he supposed to do when his friends were kidnapped and being held hostage? "I can't just leave them there!"

Amerys swung him to the side and pressed him into the wall, face inches from his. "Yes, you can," he hissed, the accent growing heavier as he spoke/*.*/ "You must. I asked you earlier; don't make me repeat myself."

The older man shook him harshly. "Did you see how many were out there?" Amerys asked, gripping his chin tightly and making Seth look at him. Their gazes met--Seth's distressed and Amerys'/*s*/ stern, though with an edge to it. "With the four of us? Protecting you? Do you really think we could take on the two dozen Anshari out there?" He snorted and pushed away from the wall, leaving Seth leaning against it. "We wouldn't. Now come."

Okay, so I guess the Anshari basically look like humans with tan skin and white hair, if humans wore those clothes.

"They want to kill you," the man whispered, pulling back and rising to crouch beside him. Seth pushed up into a crouch as well, studying the amber-eyed man warily. His apparent rescuer wore tight pants--he thought they were jeans, but a closer look told him different; they almost looked like something he'd see in a sci-fi game--and a loose shirt that wrapped around to tie in the side, looking like something Seth saw the monks wearing in those Chinese kung fu movies he liked to watch. The boots looked fairly standard, if somewhat glow-y... He took a close look and realised they were made out of something metal and flexible. On the other man's hip was a gun--again, something that would fit better in a sci-fi game--and slung across his back was what appeared to be a sword, the hilt protruding over his left shoulder. "We must go."

Hey! Sky here for another review to this story.

He could see Alec and Sofia's beds from where stood.

The stranger took them both to the ground, pressing him into ground and shielding him from the sudden onslaught of gunfire.

The strange, white-haired man clamped a hand over him mouth, silencing him before he'd even begun to speak.

Outside, there was flurry of activity and raised voices.

They spoke no earthly language Seth could recognise,

He took a close look and realised they were made out of something metal and flexible. On the other man's hip was a gun--again, something that would fit better in a sci-fi game--and slung across his back was what appeared to be a sword, the hilt protruding over his left shoulder.

He half-rose, swallowing hard, fear and anger mixing together in his belly to make him fel unreasonably queasy

The word was stern command.

Both were men, and they looked a little different to Amerys. ... His shoulder-length hair was twisted into very thing dreadlocks and pulled back into a stern ponytail.

disappearing around the corner of the doorframe.

The man was a head taller them him.

Seth ground out and pushed off the wall.

Hey! I figured I'd drop by and review this today. I went ahead and read through the prologue and chapter one, too.

So this was great. You did a really great job of bringing up the tension - I was genuinely hooked and couldn't stop reading once Amerys showed up.

You do a great job of describing the characters without bringing the story to a halt. I liked how you "hinted" (although the reader already knows) that they're aliens because of the gear that looks like something from sci-fi.

I'm sort of assuming that the woman is Samira from the prologue. If that's the case, I kind of thought it was weird that she saw Seth for the first time and just made a quip about him staring. From the way she was acting in the prologue, I would have expected her to stare, at least a little, as she takes in that this is her brother. She just doesn't seem to have any emotional investment in the scene, currently.

When Amerys refused to let Seth go, I thought the people would shoot Alec and Sofia on the spot, and as much as I didn't want it to happen, the way it read made it feel like they just didn't do anything, as if it was an empty threat in the first place. Seth and Amerys seem to assume that his friends will be safe until they're able to rescue him, but that doesn't make sense because those people just threatened to kill Alec and Sofia.

Seth frowned. Alec wasn't playing any music--and there wasn't any noise from the kitchen, no sounds of someone--Sofia, probably--making breakfast. He frowned and sat up, reaching for his phone to double-check the time.

The one on the left showed him the creep from the bar and two kneeling figures, dark hoods over their heads. They were obviously prisoners. He looked towards the other man, alarmed. The other man held out a hand, gaze focused on the creep and the two prisoners.

Criticism:
'The piercing shrillness of Seth's alarm woke him up, and he rolled over to silence it. Once it was quiet, he lay there for a moment basking in the absolute stillness of the house and nursing a piercing headache.' You use the word 'piercing' twice. Maybe just erase the word "piercing" before 'headache'. The same applies for the word 'any' in 'Alec wasn't playing any music--and there wasn't any noise from the kitchen, no sounds of someone--Sofia, probably--making breakfast. He frowned and sat up, reaching for his phone to double-check the time.'

'Someone else should have been there, should be up.' I am not quite sure what this means.

'His housemates were never usually this quiet unless they were asleep.' The word 'usually' seems unnecessarily extra here, so I suggest deleting it.

'Seth shook his head and turned to head for the front door' it seems odd to use the word "head" twice here, even if one is a noun while the other is a verb.

That's all the criticism I have to offer. Sorry if I seemed at all nitpicky.

It's interesting to see how things are shaping together and the characters' will connect. Now on to the next chapter