All Secrets Untold - Chapter Six

Hey there Scar. Let's dive right in.

Usual stuff applies.

Eric had been hoping for a quiet night in while his boyfriend tried to find out what was wrong with him.

Oooh, yes! We're getting some Eric action without Chase! Yes yes yes! Love it.

He was not expecting a knock on the door five hours short of two in the morning.

Oookay this is a distinctly unusual way to describe Nine PM (although right after you say 10:15? Okay something's not adding up here) here. Is there something important with 2 in the morning, like is that the time Chase is supposed to come back? That's the only thing I can think of, so if that's the case, then here's how I would fix it to make a bit more sense:

Eric had been hoping for a quiet night while his boyfriend tired to find out what was wrong with him, and wouldn't be back until at least two in the morning. He was definitely not expecting a knock five (four?? since it's 10:15??) hours before that time.

He was not expecting the owner of The Court to be standing on his doorstep

Is "The Court" here the bar he went to? It's been a bit since I read the last chapter, so I'm a little fuzzy on names like that. If it is, could you just put a little note (like so: the owner of The Court, the bar Chase went to visit, to be standing....) that that's what it was. Thanks!

"He went there to find answers! You weren't supposed to wipe his fucking memory, Louarn."

So, something feels wrong about this conversation, not like grammar wise or anything, but how Eric seems to know Lou a little too well; I mean, he's on a first name basis with the guy. Does he know that Lou is a vampire, let alone know about vampires in general? This makes me like super suspicious about Eric being Chase's boyfriend now. Since the PI was the one who directed Chase to the club, Eric knowing about this stuff makes me feel like he's in on something dastardly.

It would make sense, too, on like a twisted, dark level (that would make me feel sorry for Chase.) because Chase is a gay CEO that turns out to be a vampire --which I'm sure people knew from the get-go, even if he didn't. Imagine the amount of power you'd get if you got in that inner circle, especially if you were wanting to do something evil with said power. Eric getting close and comfortable with Chase would definitely allow him to rise to power fairly easily.

I could be completely wrong with this, of course, but I'm keeping my eyes on Eric >.> (definitely only because of this ).

As a side note, I'm a little sad that we didn't get more of a story with Eric alone. It seems like, at this current point in the story, he's kind of only there to be Chase's boyfriend and to care and worry for him. I'd love to see a couple of chapters that revolve around Eric and only him (maybe if Chase gets severely injured and has to recuperate for a couple of days? It's a cliche way of switching perspectives, but it easily works well.).

"You, on the other hand, should tell him all about your witchy little self."

OH SO ERIC'S A WITCH OKAY NOW THOSE TALKS MAKE MORE SENSE (both in the story and on skype). I'm still h**** suspicious of him, though.

"You knew what he was the moment you picked him up from that alley Antonio dumped him in.

You know, I'm gonna have to applaud you here. I'm still keeping my complaints that Chase should have been more freaked out that he got a bullet through the head and lived, but everything that Eric has done up until this point makes a whole lot more sense. Refusing to go to the hospital (NOTE: Chase was the one who refused to go, not Eric. Although he agreed with Chase, I think it should have been the other way around. Eric should have gently pushed for not going to the hospital and Chase should have confusingly agreed to it, still shocked to not think straight.), to him finding Chase so fast (so he's not a hacker! He used maaaagic), to him being incredibly nonchalant about the whole situation, it all just fits much better now that he's a witch and knew about all of this the entire time.

However, I'm going to reiterate that I want Chase to be more suspicious of all this. I still wholeheartedly believe that, even though you can defend it and explain it away by saying "oh Eric was using a calming spell on Chase so he [i]wouldn't[/i[ freak out." I wouldn't take that explanation, and squint at you VERY loudly Also, if you were wanting it to seem like Eric was just as shocked as Chase (like, he was faking it), then you failed at it. Like, I was making a note that Eric was too understanding about everything for it to be normal, and I was right! Now, though, you could keep it like that and get away with it with this reveal. I still don't think you fully intended it to be that obvious that Eric was okay with his boyfriend being shot in the head, so I'd still urge to go back and change that.

No, you don't." The vampire's voice was soft, almost knowing. Eric refused to look at him again, eyes fixed on Chase's face. He was not going to fall for the vampire's charms again. He even wore-- Eric reached for the charm around his neck and froze. "You really don't, Eric."

You're dropping bombshell after bombshell this chapter. God, I love it. This review is going to be sooo long because I'm just trying to take all this information in. First thing: I want, and hope you did so, Eric to continue keeping this information from Chase. I love that we learn about this when Chase is knocked out, because it gives you prime opportunity to keep information from your MC while still trickling it to the readers.

Two: I think this paragraph is supremely important for a couple of reasons. One - I believe that Lou might have been hinting that Eric could have stopped the assassin from either harming Chase, or even killing his mother (although I don't know how long the two have been together. If it was mentioned in the last chapters, I forgot D:) and I'm sure Eric feels the same, even if a little bit. If I were Eric, I'd totally be kicking myself for being so reckless. Also, I'm interested on what the charm that's now missing from Eric's neck was supposed to do.

Three: This is a note, but we haven't talked about the diary much, I think Chase or Eric should talk about the diary soon.

General Thoughts

I love love love this chapter. The amount of wonderfully written exposition here just astounds me and makes me excited for the rest of the story. You did well here, gently giving us exposition through banter between Lou and Eric, and making sure that Chase, the MC here, doesn't know what we now know. I hope you hold onto that, weave it through all of Eric's and Chase's dialogue from this point on, and grasp on with unruly claws until the point of their relationship almost falling apart because of the secrets.

The only (minor) complaints I had were that I would like Eric to have more time by himself, so he doesn't end up being a Gary Stu and just a love interest for Chase, and that I want to see more of the diary soon. Wonderful job. Until then, I hope this helped, and keep writing! <3

Hey, I'm here to review.

Eric had been hoping for a quiet night in while his boyfriend tried to find out what was wrong with him.

I don't think 'in' is needed in there as it seems like the sentence is incomplete with the word. Also, the sentence draws me in straight away because gay couple. <3

He was not expecting the owner of The Court to be standing on his doorstep with Chase hanging limp in his arms, clearly unconscious.

This is another intriguing sentence. Now, I'm going to confess I haven't read the previous chapters, but as a reader I find it effective that you have intriguing parts in your story because although the story has sailed for quite a distance, readers wouldn't find it lost reading minor curious things like this; it'll only provoke their curiosity more. I want to know what's The Court and what's the job of its member. Also, why does one end up with Chase right now.

All he will remember is the bartender giving him a drink that tasted a little odd, and then drinking a hell of a lot more of them."

'a hell lot more' seems less wordy. It seems Eric doesn't like this guy Louarn, and something happened in the club that requires some memory wiping. I can assume whoever Louarn is, he's someone who could manipulate dream and since this is a supernatural story, I guess he's an Incubus? Vampire? Am going to read further to find out! Maybe I should read the previous ones. But yeah, the situation is intense right now and I want so much to know what's going on.

Louarn rolled his eyes and shifted to lean against the nearest object--which happened to be Eric's kitchen bench. "There's nothing wrong with me," he said, gaze drifting back over to Chase. Eric fought the urge to check on his boyfriend. They both knew he was laying on Eric's couch, unnervingly still. "You, on the other hand, should tell him all about your witchy little self."

He stiffened, hand dropping back down to his side. "I don't know what you're talking about," he deadpanned, turning back to Chase and staring down at him. Louarn laughed but it was without humour.

Without the name clue to tell us who's speaking what's dialogue, I almost thought the second paragraph is still for Louarn. Although the sentence before that indicates something of Eric, there's no clear way to inform us it's him who's speaking. Using Eric's name at the start of the paragraph can clear that, plus we readers understand why you'd use names frequently when two people of the same gender are having a conversation. c:

So yes! Louarn's a vamp, Eric's a closeted witch, and Chase is not yet identified. I'm suspecting vamp and witch have general displeasure against each other, and that humans (assuming Eric is one) don't take the revelation of someone being a witch that well (or else Eric'll confess long time ago).

"Oh, please," the vampire muttered, before adding in a louder voice; "You knew what he was the moment you picked him up from that alley Antonio dumped him in. You can't hide your witchy side forever, you know."

No need for the semicolon, can be replaced with comma. Also! This part here suggests Chase is not an ordinary human either, which makes the current cast right now super intriguing, and Eric knows what he is? And he doesn't tell Chase about himself? Not fair, Eric. I'm sure Chase will accept you the way you are (though I'm still intrigued why Eric wants to keep the truth from his bf).

Oh okay, I've done reading it. For all Eric's reaction to Louarn, I still like the vamp. He genuinely looks caring towards Eric when he advises the latter to start using magic as a way of protection. I also understand now the likelihood of Louarn meeting Chase as they're both vamps (I thought Eric being a vamp is not that surprising, tbh, was expecting more diversity here which might be expressed in other characters I have yet to see). This chapter basically talks about Eric's relationship with Chase and how the former wants them to live like normal humans, but obviously they can't because the magical and the sucky run in the blood. I'm fairly interested in knowing what would happen next.

And that is all! Keep up the good job! I might review the next one.