Hey Scar! Let's dive right in.
I have almost caught up! Yay. All previous critiques apply here blah blah blah you get the gist now.
The address on the card didn't match what he'd thought the place would look like.
What address card? I assume we'll learn where it came from later on in this chapter, just noting here that this is the first time we hear about this card (I believe, unless it was pretty early in the story).
How could his head still be so tender a week after he'd woken up in that rotten dumpster?
Man, I know! Taking a bullet to the head is such a downer! Not healing after a week? Come onnnnn, I have things to doooooo.
She knew who he was, and she'd been surprised that the big shot CEO of Blackwood Industries would come to a lowly nightclub.
This story has basically been Chase's thoughts, so why put this here? Right before, you give us Chase's thoughts, so that's all that's needed. This is not necessarily repeating information, but the reader can definitely infer what's going on here. (My thoughts before this sentence were: "Oh he's a bigshot so she knows of him and didn't really think someone like him would show up here. Perhaps she knows he's a vampire because everyone else does besides him at this point.")
Then again, it was well known that he batted for the wrong team.
"Other team," Scar XD In a story with so much LGBT+ representation (and normal at that) why this little quip about it being "wrong"?
It tasted like he'd sucked on a copper coin too long, with a sharp aftertaste that startled him into putting the drink down abruptly.
Okay, so it was blood right? See! Everyone really does know that he's a vampire. Are you trying to do a parallel between the LGBT community and vampires? I think it's an interesting take on the community (and it would put a lot of clarity on how popular/present vampires are in this world SINCE COUGH COUGH YOU STILL HAVEN'T TOLD ME THIS) and I fully support it 100%. Just don't make the communities the same, since that might make some people be like "oh I knew there was something weird with those /gays/, they're vampires!" and then a logical fallacy can easily happen. I know logical fallacies happen no matter how hard we try for them not to, but this is like just waiting for that to happen.
"Yes, yes, I know," the man snapped, clearly impatient now. "You don't understand."
Haha, c'mon Chase! Now that these people are practically handing the information to you on a silver platter, now you get oblivious? What happened to the casual acceptance that you could heal from a bullet to the head or that the person who shot you wasn't human?
General Thoughts
Okay, so we're at a vampire/LGBT club, and now Chase will finally get filled in on what he is. However, this is inconsistent because throughout all of the other chapters, it seems that he goes from at least knowing that he's different to completely accepting that he's immortal and a vampire. This chapter has the theme of better showing that Chase doesn't know what's going on (which is what I've been campaigning for since Chapter 2!) but until you change the earlier chapters to fit this confusion, then this is inconsistent (so, is this chapter inconsistent, or are chapters 2-4 inconsistent?? That's up to how you want to change this direction).
I do want to caution you when moving forward. We have another chapter, so we'll see how it goes then, but I get the feeling of falling into two traps.
1: Vampires reside in brothels/bars and are typical edgy, underground, back-alley bloodsuckers. Yeah, you know the trope I'm talking about. I see the beginnings here, and it's so cliche and typical that it almost put me off of reading and reviewing this story (honestly you're lucky because I don't read vampire stories much at all for this reason and this reason alone, but hey I made a promise to review this stuff so that I will.) but I will remain optimistic. Just... this is such a commonly used way to portray vampires that I'm sick of it and I'm sure many others are. I really really want you to show them differently (I mean, a gay vampire as a CEO of a company? Yespls) than this trope, and I hope you will.
2: LGBT community = vampires. I talked about that above. Just wanted to echo that.
Anyway, this was a good chapter! I did enjoy it, but there are some inconsistencies regarding themes and chapters. I hope you'll fix this when you revise it. Anyway, I hope this helped and please keep writing! <3
Points: 3775
Reviews: 378
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