z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

All Secrets Untold - Chapter One (REVISED)

by ScarlettFire


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

Chapter One: A Family Secret

The book was small, bound in red leather and pressed with gold leaf. It looked ancient, fragile--far older than anything his mother had ever owned. Chase picked it up, turning it over. There was a single word on the front cover, written in gold. Diary.

Curious, Chase flipped the cover open. Ever since his mother's death, something had been bothering him. Margaret Blackwood had never been one for gaudy things, so the diary wasn't like anything he'd ever seen in his mother's office before, let alone on her desk. Chase swung the office chair around, book in hand, to face the only window in the room. Large and floor to ceiling, it let in light but was also heavily tinted. He'd never figured out why she'd done that, either.

The first page was blank, a little torn, and stuck to the second with something old and rust coloured.

Chase blinked. That was...odd. What was that? Chase decided that he didn't want to think too hard about it, but he was pretty sure it might be blood. He glanced up from the little book to stare out the window and take in the sun setting beyond the city skyscrapers. A beautiful sight, but so at odds with his mood--and the diary. He sighed, then returned his attention to the book and starting turning pages again, grimacing at the rust-red stains on each one.

May, 1816,

It's been a year since it happened. It's hard to believe I survived it, considering all that could have gone wrong. A year since I nearly died. A year since I survived something I shouldn't have survived. I don't know how I managed it. I had a dagger in my chest for five hours. Five hours. Antonio says I was lucky, but I'm not so sure. To be honest, I was ready to die. So ready. And then he was there, telling me I would be alright. I didn't believe him at first, but now? Now, I believe. Antonio is a god. My saviour, my angel.

If only this weren't so hard. I'm told it wasn't a full change. That it was partial. Regardless of what it is, I'm grateful. I could be dead, and my husband would have gotten away with it. Now, though. Now I can show him just what he's done to me. He is going to be shocked. I can't wait to see his face.

- M. Ashby.

Ashby? Antonio? None of it made sense. Especially the date. Chase frowned, staring at that date. That was nearly two hundred years ago. That was also all that was on the page. He closed the book, running his fingers over the cover. What kind of secrets had his mother been keeping from him? Chase glanced out the window again, finding the sunset gone, replaced with stars and lights from all the buildings illuminating the city. It was beautiful, as beautiful as the sunset he had been watching before.

Chase closed his eyes, remembering the look his mother had given him the morning of that fateful day. Just hours before she'd died. He sighed. It had been a warm smile, loving and kind. What had made her decide to do what she did? Better yet, why had she done it? Perhaps she had left him an explanation in the diary. He opened his eyes again, gaze dropping to the gilt lettering. Maybe he should continue reading her diary? Nodding to himself, he opened it to the next entry.

November, 1816,

Antonio should have seen his face! Theo was so shocked. I don't think he was expecting to see me again. He should have been, though. It was worth it. Antonio was furious when I told where I had been and what I had done, but he was amused afterwards. He told me I had done well, that I had removed a witness to my rebirth. After all, Theo was the one who had stabbed me in the first place. Antonio says we could hardly let him live after seeing me. I'm glad. My encounter with Theo could have gone so badly. I wasn't seen by anyone else; I made sure of that.

- M. Ashby.

His mother had been married before? In the eighteen-hundreds? Chase shook his head. It was impossible. He'd seen his mother's birth records. She hadn't even reached her fiftieth year. Chase frowned, flipping to the next page. It had one line on it, after the date.

January, 1827,

I made a mistake. I'm so sorry.

There was no name after the entry. The shortness of it made him wonder. What kind of state of mind was she in during this entry? Perhaps his mother had been regretting her actions towards Theo, the husband who tried to kill her? Was she calling it a mistake? Chase flipped the page. That page was empty, smeared with more dried blood. He thought he could make out a partial handprint--a bit of palm, some fingers. The next few were ripped out or empty. Finally, he came across another entry.

December 31st, 1899 / January 1st 1900,

It's the turn of the century. I'm surprised. I had not thought Antonio would let me stay with him this long. He kept telling me that I would need to find my own path, yet he lets me stay? I am confused. What I felt for him has changed. I no longer feel so attached. Does Antonio notice it as well, or is it just me? I suppose time will tell.

On a less sombre note, London is beautiful tonight. I am sitting on the river bank, watching the boats drift past. There is a sailing ship at port. I hear it is headed for New York. I wonder if Antonio will consider the option? I am unsure. Regardless, I'm sure it will be an adventure!

- Maggie Ashby.

Chase stared at the entry for a long moment. His mother, if what was in the diary had really happened, had been in London over a hundred years ago? She didn't look a day over thirty! He exhaled carefully and braced himself for the next entry. The page was blank. He frowned, taking it in for a long moment before flipping to the next page. That one was also blank.

The next few weren't blank. They were missing, torn out, leaving uneven tear-lines. To Chase, it appeared rushed. He could make out some letters in his mother's handwriting.

De

I

An

te



On



Lov

M

"What the hell, Mother?" he muttered, flipping through several more, some with dates and numbers while others were blank or missing completely, until he reached another entry. "I don't know what to make of this diary. Whatever it is you wanted to tell me, there had to be an easier way."

This entry was simple, scrawled in red pen on the last page that hadn't been torn out;

He is coming.

I will see you in the stars.

Chase closed the book, hand lingering on the cover for a long moment before he turned the chair back around to face the window. That last entry had been a warning. What was his mother trying to warn him about? Or who? Chase sat there, frown creasing his forhead as he stared out at the city for a long time. It was full night now, and quiet. Peaceful.

Suddenly, there were footsteps in the hall outside, and then a knock on the door. Chase tensed, silent and waiting. The door opened, footsteps entered and stopped short of the desk. He glanced at the reflection of the intruder in the glass. A tall man with dark hair and dark eyes. As he watched, the eyes lit up red. He froze.

"Who are you?" he asked without moving. The man cocked his head and, without answering him, raised a pistol into view. It was old. The stranger pointed it at him, eyes narrowed.

"You'll find out," he said and Chase watched him pull the trigger. There was a bang, and then nothing.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
378 Reviews


Points: 3775
Reviews: 378

Donate
Sun Jan 29, 2017 4:26 am
Omni wrote a review...



Heyo Scar, once again. Let's dive right in.

Chase picked it up, turning it over. There was a single word on the front cover, written in gold. Diary.


Chase picked it up, inspecting the cover, maybe? Also, since we do know that there's blood on the inside of the book, would there be blood around the room at all, or a sign of a struggle? Or, perhaps Chase could note that the room looks so clean that it's pristine, to insinuate that the assassin we read about later on cleaned up his mess before Chase came there.

Large and floor to ceiling, it let in light but was also heavily tinted. He'd never figured out why she'd done that, either.


Gonna echo what I said in the last review that a mention here of his thoughts that maybe he didn't know his mother as well as he thought would work wonders.

Ashby? Antonio? None of it made sense. Especially the date. Chase frowned, staring at that date.


Repetition of "date" here. Perhaps "Chase frowned, staring at the year" or "at the numbers"

That was also all that was on the page.


The use of "that" here implies that the date was the only thing on the page, which isn't true. Maybe rewording the sentence to something like this:

Besides the one diary entry, the page was blank.


Perhaps she had left him an explanation in the diary.


Scarrrr, this is just way too obvious of foreshadowing. Come onnnn girl, at least attempt to make it subtle lol.

Chase frowned, flipping to the next page.


I wish there was a bit here about how Chase was feeling conflicted reading this diary. After all, diaries are kind of personal, and with the note basically begging him to read it gone, he must feel some kind of apprehension about reading it. I'd imagine the emotions going through him now would be something like "mourning, confusion, disbelief, curiousness, incredulousness, etc." An example of what I'm thinking:

Chase frowned as his finger hovered over the next page, lingering for a brief moment. Was it really okay to go through his mother's diary like this, especially after she just took her life? He couldn't even tell if this was real. It was all so insane, but... a whisper in the back of his head nagged at him to go on.


See? Conflict! Inner turmoil, with the hint of mourning still happening. I'm glad I fixed that typo. Those are the things I want to see with Chase, but most importantly, I just really want to see more of Chase than just a plot device for us to read the Diary. Personality, character!

Whatever it is you wanted to tell me, there had to be an easier way."


Oh, another plot hole. I'm sure this was from the last draft of the chapter, but remember in this one, she hasn't told him anything yet. For all he knows, this is just a jumbled mess.

I will see you in the stars.


I still stand by my thoughts of putting in "my love." after this, because while it makes it more personal, it also jumbles up who that line was meant for even more.

Also, now would have been a wonderful place to put in some of your trademark sassiness that I hope Chase will have. Something like: "Yeah that answered so much."

General Thoughts

So, this is much better than the first chapter, but it still has some glaring problems with it. Mainly, now that the whole diary is resolved (for the most part), two things remain:

-Lack of personality
I already mentioned this to you, but Chase lacks personality throughout this, and since the strong diary entries are mostly removed from this chapter, it stands out even more. Chase just lost his mother, and in an apparent suicide, to boot. Then he comes across this diary that is in his mother's handwriting, but has entries from two hundred years ago. He seems way too complacent with all of this, even the fact of losing his mother. Instead, the focus of this chapter, in both drafts, are of the diary entries. While that worked out okay in the first draft, it leaves much to be desired here in the form of Chase's reaction to all of this.

-Lack of vivid verbs/descriptions
I did mention this in my last review as well, but like I said with Chase's personality, it's even more noticeable because the meat of the chapter was removed in this draft. When you removed all of the diary entries, which were arguably the highlights of the chapter, you needed to provide something to make up for it. While the mystery does that partially (although the mystery is weakened by the lack of reaction from Chase through much of this) it doesn't do enough. A thesaurus is your best friend :D. I'd love to help you work it out if you're willing.

Anyway, I hope this helped, and keep writing! <3

Image




ScarlettFire says...


Again, you've brought up some very good points, which I shall take into consideration. I will note that I mention somewhere (can't currently remember where or find where) that it's been a year since his mother's death. Not an excuse, but giving you an idea of how long between her death and this scene. I'll definitely be trying to get more emotion into this chapter now--and more description. And more of Chase's thoughts. I noticed before posting this that it was lacking a little...oomph, I guess? I'll need to add a bit morecharacter in now. XD Thanks for the review, Omnom!



User avatar
802 Reviews


Points: 18884
Reviews: 802

Donate
Sun Jan 29, 2017 2:35 am
Dracula wrote a review...



Hey, Scarlett! I'm here to get this out of the Green Room, and hopefully help in some way. You don't seem to need too much help though. I can tell that this is revised, it's beautifully written and trimmed so that each word plays a part.

The book was small, bound in red leather and pressed with gold leaf. It looked ancient, fragile--far older than anything his mother had ever owned. Chase picked it up, turning it over. There was a single word on the front cover, written in gold. Diary.
Your description of the diary is wonderful! I hope you'll continue to use such imagery when other new objects, places and people are introduced. :)

Margaret Blackwood had never been one for gaudy things, so the diary wasn't like anything he'd ever seen in his mother's office before, let alone on her desk.
I also noticed that you do a great job incorporating information into the story, rather than creating tedious info-dumping sentences. His mother's name is a good example.

Chase blinked. That was...odd. What was that?
This is up to you, of course, but I don't think the ellipsis is necessary. The extra pause disrupted the nice flow I had going.

Chase glanced out the window again, finding the sunset gone, replaced with stars and lights from all the buildings illuminating the city.
I have just one problem with the wording here. Because the sentence's original 'subject' is Chase, I thought replaced was something he was doing. It's hard to explain, but it did make me have to reread the sentence. You could possibly make this two sentences, so: Chase glanced out the window again. He found the sunset gone, replaced with stars and lights from all the buildings illuminating the city.

"You'll find out," he said and Chase watched him pull the trigger. There was a bang, and then nothing.
Yep, the perfect cliffhanger! I really enjoyed this, it's so beautifully written and the mystery is very interesting.

Image




User avatar
285 Reviews


Points: 237
Reviews: 285

Donate
Fri Jan 27, 2017 9:15 am
GreenTulip wrote a review...



Hello, Tulip here to give you a review on your chapter. I will be honest, I haven't read the original version of this chapter, but giving the fact that I have little to nothing to do at my job I might as well give your story a try.

I liked how you set up the story, though I would have liked too see you give more insight into the thoughts of Chase in-between the journal entries as I am figuring that he will be the main character in this story. It is important to hear the thoughts and feelings of the characters no matter how small or unimportant it seems to be. It gives the reader a better chance to connect with the character.

I didn't really feel any connection to the character until the very end when it was possible that he may very well die, though it seems unlikely as you probably have an entire story waiting for him. But this young man surprised us all by being shot and just maybe losing his life in the process.

So it isn't much but I have no time as I have to go and do something now for work. But I hope what little I provided you might help!

Sorry!
~Tulip
*Keep Calm and Write On*





People find it far easier to forgive others for being wrong than being right.
— Albus Dumbledore