Heyo Scar, once again. Let's dive right in.
Chase picked it up, turning it over. There was a single word on the front cover, written in gold. Diary.
Chase picked it up, inspecting the cover, maybe? Also, since we do know that there's blood on the inside of the book, would there be blood around the room at all, or a sign of a struggle? Or, perhaps Chase could note that the room looks so clean that it's pristine, to insinuate that the assassin we read about later on cleaned up his mess before Chase came there.
Large and floor to ceiling, it let in light but was also heavily tinted. He'd never figured out why she'd done that, either.
Gonna echo what I said in the last review that a mention here of his thoughts that maybe he didn't know his mother as well as he thought would work wonders.
Ashby? Antonio? None of it made sense. Especially the date. Chase frowned, staring at that date.
Repetition of "date" here. Perhaps "Chase frowned, staring at the year" or "at the numbers"
That was also all that was on the page.
The use of "that" here implies that the date was the only thing on the page, which isn't true. Maybe rewording the sentence to something like this:
Besides the one diary entry, the page was blank.
Perhaps she had left him an explanation in the diary.
Scarrrr, this is just way too obvious of foreshadowing. Come onnnn girl, at least attempt to make it subtle lol.
Chase frowned, flipping to the next page.
I wish there was a bit here about how Chase was feeling conflicted reading this diary. After all, diaries are kind of personal, and with the note basically begging him to read it gone, he must feel some kind of apprehension about reading it. I'd imagine the emotions going through him now would be something like "mourning, confusion, disbelief, curiousness, incredulousness, etc." An example of what I'm thinking:
Chase frowned as his finger hovered over the next page, lingering for a brief moment. Was it really okay to go through his mother's diary like this, especially after she just took her life? He couldn't even tell if this was real. It was all so insane, but... a whisper in the back of his head nagged at him to go on.
See? Conflict! Inner turmoil, with the hint of mourning still happening.
Whatever it is you wanted to tell me, there had to be an easier way."
Oh, another plot hole. I'm sure this was from the last draft of the chapter, but remember in this one, she hasn't told him anything yet. For all he knows, this is just a jumbled mess.
I will see you in the stars.
I still stand by my thoughts of putting in "my love." after this, because while it makes it more personal, it also jumbles up who that line was meant for even more.
Also, now would have been a wonderful place to put in some of your trademark sassiness that I hope Chase will have. Something like: "Yeah that answered so much."
General Thoughts
So, this is much better than the first chapter, but it still has some glaring problems with it. Mainly, now that the whole diary is resolved (for the most part), two things remain:
-Lack of personality
I already mentioned this to you, but Chase lacks personality throughout this, and since the strong diary entries are mostly removed from this chapter, it stands out even more. Chase just lost his mother, and in an apparent suicide, to boot. Then he comes across this diary that is in his mother's handwriting, but has entries from two hundred years ago. He seems way too complacent with all of this, even the fact of losing his mother. Instead, the focus of this chapter, in both drafts, are of the diary entries. While that worked out okay in the first draft, it leaves much to be desired here in the form of Chase's reaction to all of this.
-Lack of vivid verbs/descriptions
I did mention this in my last review as well, but like I said with Chase's personality, it's even more noticeable because the meat of the chapter was removed in this draft. When you removed all of the diary entries, which were arguably the highlights of the chapter, you needed to provide something to make up for it. While the mystery does that partially (although the mystery is weakened by the lack of reaction from Chase through much of this) it doesn't do enough. A thesaurus is your best friend . I'd love to help you work it out if you're willing.
Anyway, I hope this helped, and keep writing! <3
Points: 3775
Reviews: 378
Donate