Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
I apologize in advance for any spacing issues. I could try to fix it, but YWS does weird things to the spacing regardless. Anyway, here it is. My entry for Aley's Found Object Tournament - Round One.
NOTICE: This is now chapter one of a new novel. So, enjoy it.
Chapter One: A Family Secret
The book was small, bound in red leather and pressed with gold leaf. It looked old, far older than anything his mother had ever owned. Chase picked it up, turning it over. There was a single word on the front cover, written in gold leaf. Diary.
Curious, Chase flipped the cover open. Ever since his mother's death, something had been bothering him. Margaret Blackwood had never been one for gaudy things, so the small, red diary wasn't like anything he'd ever seen in his mother's office before, let alone on her desk. Chase swung the office chair around, book in hand, to face the only window in the room. Large and floor to ceiling, it let in light but was also heavily tinted. He'd never figured out why she'd done that, either.
The first page was blank, but the second had a title. To my darling son, should he ever need it. Please read this before you condemn me for my actions. It should hold all the answers you seek, you merely need to turn the page.
Chase blinked. That was...odd. He'd never seen his mother write to him so formally. He took a moment to reread the paragraph. It looked like it had been written fairly recently, with a blue pen. He glanced up from the little book to star out the window and take in the sun setting beyond the city skyscrapers. A beautiful sight, but so at odds with his mood--and the diary. He returned his attention to the book and turned the page again.
May, 1816,
It's been a year since it happened. It's hard to believe I survived it, considering all that could have gone wrong. A year since I nearly died. A year since I survived something I shouldn't have survived. I don't know how I managed it. I had a dagger in chest for five hours. Five hours. Antonio says I was lucky, but I'm not so sure. To be honest, I was ready to die. So ready. And then he was there, telling me I would be alright. I didn't believe him at first, but now? Now, I believe. Antonio is a god. My saviour, my angel.
If only this weren't so hard. I'm told it wasn't a full change. That it was partial. Regardless of what it is, I'm grateful. I could be dead, and my husband would have gotten away with it. Now, though. Now I can show him just what he's done to me. He is going to be shocked. I can't wait to see his face.
- M. Ashby.
Ashby? Antonio? None of it made sense. Especially the date. Chase frowned, staring at that date. That was nearly two hundred years ago. That was also all that was on the page. He closed the book, running his fingers over the cover. What kind of secrets had his mother been keeping from him? Chase glanced out the window again, finding the sunset gone, replaced with stars and lights from all the buildings illuminating the city. It was beautiful, as beautiful as the sunset he had been watching before.
Chase closed his eyes, remembering the look his mother had given him the morning of that fateful day. Just hours before she'd died. He sighed. It had been a warm smile, loving and kind. What had made her decide to do what she did? Better yet, why had she done it? Perhaps she had left him a warning in the diary. He opened his eyes again, gaze dropping to the gilt lettering. Maybe he should continue reading her diary? Nodding to himself, he opened it to the next entry.
November, 1816,
Antonio should have seen his face! Theo was so shocked. I don't think he was expecting to see me again. He should have been, though. It was worth it. Antonio was furious when I told where I had been and what I had done, but he was amused afterwards. He told me I had done well, that I had removed a witness to my rebirth. After all, Theo was the one who had stabbed me in the first place. Antonio says we could hardly let him live after seeing me. I'm glad. My encounter with Theo could have gone so badly. I wasn't seen by anyone else; I made sure of that.
- M. Ashby.
His mother had been married before? In the eighteen-hundreds? Chase shook his head. It was impossible. He'd seen his mother's birth records. She hadn't even reached fifty year, having been born in the late sixties. Chase frowned, flipping to the next page. It had one line on it, after the date.
January, 1827,
I made a mistake. I'm so sorry.
There was no name after the entry, though the date was several years after the previous two. The shortness of it made him wonder. What kind of state of mind was she in during this entry? Obviously, his mother had been regretting her actions towards Theo, the husband who tried to kill her. She had called it a mistake. Chase flipped the page. The diary was starting to make sense. Each page was an entry for that date, though the entries were sometimes years after the previous one. There was method to his mother's madness.
Chase chuckled and checked the next entry. It was a little longer than the last and merely spoke of her despair over her actions, and over Antonio being mad at her. He wasn't sure what for--she never mentioned it--but it was signed by 'Maggie' this time. Apparently, his mother had changed her mind. The date was mid-1840s, during July. He turned the page again. The next entry was...interesting.
December 31st, 1899 / January 1st 1900,
It's the turn of the century. I'm surprised. I had not thought Antonio would let me stay with him this long. He kept telling me that I would need to find my own path, yet he lets me stay? I am confused. What I felt for him has changed. I no longer feel so attached. Does Antonio notice it as well, or is it just me? I suppose time will tell.
On a less sombre note, London is beautiful tonight. I am sitting on the river bank, watching the boats drift past. There is a sailing ship at port. I hear it is headed for New York. I wonder if Antonio will consider the option? I am unsure. Regardless, I'm sure it will be an adventure!
- Maggie Ashby.
Chase stared at the entry for a long moment. His mother, if what was in the diary had really happened, had been in London over a hundred years ago? She didn't look a day over thirty! He exhaled carefully and braced himself for the next entry. The page was blank. He frowned, taking it in for a long moment before flipping to the next page. That one was also blank.
"What the hell, Mother?" he muttered, flipping through several more, some with dates and numbers while others were blank, until he reached another entry. "I don't know what to make of this diary. Whatever it is you wanted to tell me, there had to be an easier way."
March, 1963,
I saw him again today. He's a handsome boy. He's far too young to approach yet. I know he's seen me. He even smiled. I don't know if he'll remember me in ten years’ time. I can only hope he will understand when I ask him. I wonder what he'll say? Will he believe me? Will he condemn me? I can only wait. I have all the time in the world.
- Maggie.
"If this is the truth, Mother," Chase whispered to the empty room, "I sure as hell hope you make your reason clearer soon."
He considered the entry carefully, noting the date. If he was remembering correctly, his father would have been about five in 1963. Was she talking about his father here? If she was, then that was mean she had specifically chosen him? His mother diary was confusing. He had so many questions now, and no answers. Chase turned to the next page.
August, 1982,
His name is Alexander, though he said to call him Alex. We met at this adorable little dinner on fifth avenue. He's so sweet. I told him about me, about what I am. Alex was so understanding. He says he'll keep my secret. I'm not sure what to think of this. What if he tells someone about me? About my secret? I suppose I'll just have to trust me and wait.
I hope he won't betray me. That would be a sad day, indeed.
- Maggie.
Chase put the diary down, thumb inserted between pages to keep his place. His mother New York in the eighties? He glanced out her office window at the city skyline. Australia was a long way from New York. With a sigh, he spun the chair around again, opening the diary and lay it out carefully on the desk. He may as well finish reading his mother's diary. She had written that the diary held all the answers to his questions. Although, he had a feeling it was posing a hell of a lot more questions than answers. Chase supposed he would need to read on if he wanted to know more.
June 10th, 1989,
I have spent seven years convincing Alex to do this. Today... Today is my wedding. Alex proposed last year. I was thrilled, but also scared. What if this doesn't work? What if Alex makes a mistake? What if I make a mistake? Regardless of my doubts, I know this will be worth it. Isn't it always worth it? I regret Theo. That had been a bad descision, but that, too, had been worth it. Without Theo, I wouldn't be here. With Alex.
He promised that today would be beautiful, and it is. We have moved to Australia, to escape our pasts. Alex said he'd spoken to an eldery man. The man's name was Frank Ashby. I was shocked. Theo had had family--I should have known he had, but before me, there had been another woman. Frank was his great grandson. Later that same week, Alex told me of Frank, of how he'd seen me before. In a painting of Theo. I'd forgotten about that damn painting. I didn't know what to say. Alex just stared at me for a long moment and turned away. He said he would fix it, though I wasn't sure what he meant by that.
Merely an hour later, Antonio called me. He said he'd dealt with the problem. I can only imagine how. It must not have been pretty. I mustn't think of that, though. It's my wedding day. We're in King's Park, in the centre of the city. It's beautiful. I need to go now--I'm about to put my dress on. I think Alex will adore it.
- Maggie.
There were more entries, though Chase merely scanned them. One dated January, 1990, spoke of Maggie being pregnant. This was obviously when his mother was pregnant with him. She spoke of her surprise at being pregnant, that Antonio had said it wasn't possible, yet was pleasantly surprised when she called him.
Chase had figured out that Antonio had done something to his mother back in 1815. Whatever it had been, it had granted his mother near-immortality. Considering the dates of the entries, that had to be what it was. The ink for them, and the style they were written it, was appropriate for each date his mother had written down. He smiled, thinking fondly of the way she would smile at him. It made more sense. He was her miracle --a child she thought she couldn't have. The impossible. He turned the page. It was the last entry, dated mere months before his mother's death.
Jan, 2015,
To my darling son,
I know you have many questions. I am sad to say I don't have an answers to all of them. All you need to know is that I love you like you are the sun. And you are. You are one of a kind, a miracle. My impossible miracle . I have enjoyed watching you grow up and explore, but I have noticed changes in you. Your father will answer your questions, if you have the chance to talk to him. I'm not sure you will, though. You see, there has been someone--or something--hunting me. It has followed me all the way here from America. I'm not sure if they'll find you, but you need to be wary. You are in danger. Please, be careful. They warned me, so I'm sure they know I have a family. It's unclear if they know whether you are mine or not. Please, please. Don't ever let your guard down.
I love you, Chase. I'm sorry I couldn't stay with you.
With love, your loving mother,
Maggie Blackwood.
He stared at the entry for a long moment, seeing if for what it is. His mother's love for him--all of it, written down so he would know--and a warning. Something was coming, and coming fast. Chase closed the book, hand lingering on the cover for a long moment before he turned the chair back around to face the window. He sat there, staring out at the city for a long time.
Eventually, there were footsteps and then a knock on the door. Chase remained quiet, waiting. The door opened, footsteps entered and stopped short of the desk. He glanced at the reflection of the intruder in the glass. A tall man with dark hair and dark eyes. As he watched, the lit up red. He froze.
"I've been expecting you," he said. The man inclined his head and raised a pistol into view. It was old. To Chase, it appeared to be a flintlock. The man pointed it at him, eyes narrowed.
"I know," he said and Chase watched him pull the trigger. There was a bang, and then nothing.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Interesting excerpt. I think this is mine favourite from you so far. I have a hunch on what Antonio is and what he did to Chase's mother, but I think I'll wait before drawing conclusions.
See mine (notes) and /*edits*/ below.
On to the next chapter.
Heyo Scar. A little late but let's jump in anyway.
As far as beginnings go, this one was... well, kind of boring. Both "small" and "old" are weak adjectives. Just off the top of my head, "minuscule" or "frail" and "ancient" are much better replacements. While also being synonyms, they provide their unique connotations. For example, "frail" not only implies small, but it also indicates being fragile, or needed to be cared for. "Ancient" not only implies old, but it also gives a sense of importance, or wisdom. Not only was this made long ago, it meant something. You see?
Now, to be devil's advocate to my own point, there are cases where simplicity is not only preferred, it's needed. Usually, this is only the case when you want to prove a point, either giving dualities (like, this thing is simple while the rest of the world is so complex, thus simple->innocence) or a break from the norm (like, this thing is simple when everything up to this point was not, so obviously this is important to the plot). You get where I'm going with this?
So, you repeated gold leaf again here. I warn against repeating the same words so soon since the reader just read it, unless you're doing so for dramatic flair. Also, I'm not sure that you can actually write in gold leaf? Maybe covered in gold leaf, or something along those lines. If you're wanting to keep the second gold leave, I'd recommend making a note of it, like so:
^See, here it not only repeats the gold leaf, but emphasizes it. Makes it important (contrasting the dark leather to stand out) instead of just repeating it.
Uh oh, more repetition. This time of small and red when pertaining to the diary. We get it, the diary is small and red XD
This was a wonderful sentence and I wish you had taken it even further. Like, just slam the nail in the coffin. Something like "Seems like I didn't know nearly as much as I thought I did." y'know? You hint here that there are secrets kept from Chase, but I kind of wanted it pushed a little further. Would have been a sad, pensive part as he opens the diary.
Then here, I don't know, it kind of both cements that he doesn't know everything about it but also ruins the moment for me. In my opinion, this should be kept as a plot device until later on in the story. Either he just doesn't manage to see the title for him, or it's later on in the diary, just when he was seriously having doubts about who he thought his mother was. Like, from the little you've given us so far about his mother, it seemed like she was secretive! I just, I think this ruins a moment now and later, when this could have been used to actually redeem his mother.
See, I get it was written recently, even more reason to have it later on in the story. Gosh, it would have been sooooo good too!
Oh look, something other than small to describe the diary
Last thought about this is that I think you could have mentioned him sighing or something when he went back to the book. Just something small to show his emotions at this time, since we haven't actually gotten much here in terms of his emotions.
See, this is repetition done well. Good job! It puts emphasis on the word, and make sure the reader marks it as something important.
All right*
Screams internally YES this is what I have been campaigning for. Putting something about him not knowing his mother before (when i first mentioned it), leaving this here, and then maybe cementing it with something at the end of the chapter would be absolutely perfect!
This is definitely an awkward way of putting someone's age, and makes it stand out to me. Also, years*
This isn't quite as clearly a repetition like it was before, but this what I like to call "shoving information at the readers." Let this be sneaky, and let the readers interpret this. You have already shown us that it was years after the earlier two entries, and that there was no name after the entry. THE MOST I think you should put after this is something like: "That's it. Nothing else."
This chuckle definitely seems out of character here. For one, I'm not seeing what he would find funny, if anything just bewildering and interesting, and two, remember that his mother just passed away and these are all entries from 200 years ago. I doubt laughing would be his first reaction to this.
Hasn't this whole thing been... well interesting? Like, you just found a diary from your mother that you've never seen before, with entries from someone with another name (who may or may not even be your mother, and you don't even know which makes more sense), and you find this interesting? Maybe "different" than the others, but I would find the entire thing interesting and incredulous haha
Wonderful. Like, simple but effective, and really speaks volumes about this character who's writing the entries. She goes from pondering her and Antonio to how beautiful the city is where she's at. Just great. Love it.
See this is a much better way to talk about age. I think the earlier age description should just be thrown out the window XD
Aww it goes from intrigue to romance. That's so sweet. Also, this has a dark connotation underneath it, good lord. It definitely won't be sad for her, that's for sure. There's a reason she's live this long.
they*
General Thoughts
You have sparked my interest indeed. Although, I have to say I am incredibly sad about how fast he read this diary. My insistence on removing the part in the beginning is a little mellowed now that he's read all of the diary. It seems like a plot point with so much potential to be ruined by moving too fast.
Honestly, being reeeally honest here, I think that should re-do this to have the diary be something with Chase throughout the story. Maybe he's too shocked to read the entire thing now, maybe there's more to the story, as a few pages had been ripped out. This feels like way too fast of a closure to the diary than I would have liked. I'm still standing by what I said through the review: I still believe whole-heartedly that this should go differently than it did. I understand that now that the diary is over with (maybe it's not; I do hope that's the case) you have other places you want the story to go, but I heavily, strongly, [insert another adverb here because I can't think of anymore] suggest that you revisit that as a plot device, and as a story-telling device. There's so so so much potential here with the diary, and it feels wasted and tossed aside before it can even begin to start to come to fruition.
You could spend the entire first third of the story about Chase reading Maggie's and Antonio's/Theo's journeys, and the second third about her meeting this new man. You could have the pages mentioned to Chase ripped out or blood over them because this assassin going after her reached the diary before he could. You could have done so much regarding Chase being thrown into this new world, and it seems like he's been given a lot more knowledge than I think he should have been. We chatted a bit while I was reviewing this, and you said that you hoped to keep up the mystery and intrigue. Well, I'm sad to say that you haven't. It went wonderfully, but was thrown away after the first half of the chapter. I feel like a broken record right now, but you've given me such an interest to this that I feel like I have to argue and petition and rant for this. You've done a good job on that front, at least.
Anyway, regarding Chase... I'm not feeling his character much. He doesn't speak much in this chapter, which is understandable because hey his mother just died, but he gets accustomed to things wayyyy too fast, to the point where it's cliche, and the markings of a Mary Sue (Gary Stu in this case). I just, well, it's not believable how fast he just went along with this ridiculousness. And, it is ridiculousness. If you found out your mom was immortal and had multiple lives, would you believe it as fast as he did? Methinks not.
Regarding the assassin coming in and shooting him, I think it's an okay cliffhanger, but one I've see many times before. I think a better cliffhanger would be him first starting to read the diary. Comparing to how mysterious the diary first started to be, the assassin was a little (a lot) weak.
That being said, I am so looking forward to reading and reviewing more. Keep up the writing <3
Hi, I'm Maddie and I'm here to review your work.
Unlike everyone else, it was hard to get into this work. I'm not intrigued by a random red book. For me, I've got a lot of books at home so I see nothing extraordinary with it being on my mom's desk. Next off, when I picked this chapter up, I'm not a fan of diary entries. So, I still read it.
Well, I'm not a huge fan of them still. You've got yourself some world-class, completely transparently visible, exposition. Watch this. If the information isn't vital or some form of foreshadowing, then cut it. Diaries typically aren't like this. Sometimes they're for a day, and they aren't usually so stilted. This isn't to say that your entries are exactly bad, but they don't seem like they could be real. Diaries aren't meant to be a "white knight of exposition." I see that you *tried* to put voice in there, with Maggie, but it didn't shine through like you wanted it to.
Speaking of voice, I'd like to point right at Chase. That, my friend, is a fine voice. A good head on his shoulders, introspective without seeming overly out-of-reality... Good things.
The guy with a flintlock had me confused the first time reading it. I'm typically a skimmer so I had to double-read the ending to see why Chase would reply that he was expecting him.
Keep it a bit more clear with that.
So, I'm sorry if this was harsh. I really am. After I get this next page of math written, I'll write another review of your next chapter. (It's a little self-imposed deal.)
So, it's still a great plot idea and I see where you're going with this, but make things a bit more clear and mysterious at the same time.
Keep writing!
Maddie out!
I agree with Odd, the first two sentences were simple, yet beautifully worded and it sucked me right in.
I believe you meant to use "stare".
I feel as though this should say, "I had a dagger in my chest for five hours.
Again, I feel as though it should say, "..when I told him where I had been...".
Maybe reword the sentence to, "She hadn't even reached the age of fifty, having been born in the late sixties. I'm pretty sure that is what you meant by that.
'It' should be 'in'.
I think 'an' could be dropped from this sentence, it's just kind of dangling in there.
Wow! That was very well written and held my attention the entire time. The entries made me want to read more and now I want to know what made his mother immortal! Not only that, the ending was great and left me in suspense which made me want to flip the page and read on to see what happens next. I would DEFINITELY a love to see more of this story, it has a lot of potential
Here to review.
I really liked this story. You did amazingly at setting the mood at the beginning, and the back-and-forth between the diary and the reality is very captivating and it creates a lot of suspense.
I really like this beginning. Starting with something so ordinary and simple being described this way achieves to pull the reader in to want more. The following paragraphs were also successful in hooking the reader. It is a very good work. At first, I even thought that I would find no mistakes at all and that a review would be unnecessary. However, I have found a few of them here and there, not many big mistakes but rather errors that you overlooked.
If you reread the second sentence, you can see the mistake. I'm guessing you wanted to say:
Then:
I think you meant to say:
Also:
A verb is missing.
perhaps?
Here is not an error but something that could sound better if worded differently:
Maybe try:
or
Keep your verbs in the same tense:
You forgot a letter.
That is everything I found. It is a very good story though, and I'd like to see more from you.
Keep writing,
Odd
Thank you for the review! I knew I had a few mistake in here. I'll clean them up soon and hopefully that helps. I'm very glad you enjoyed it. There's definitely going to be more!
Glad to help. I will be looking forward to it.