Chapter 3
Mark arrived at the Eon after walking for miles with Ellie, who had passed out, in his arms. Moments before the first rays of dawn started to light up the sky, he turned his head towards Argon and said “Open the hatch Argon, we’re going home.”
“Already done, lets just get her in before she wakes up.” replied the Ghost, looking at the young girl in his Guardian’s arms.
As Mark took his first step onto the ramp of his ship, Ellie woke with a start, saying groggily “Wait. I want to see what’s left.” As Mark was about to try to talk her out of it, she looked up to him and said, with eyes that broke his heart, “Please Mark, let me see.”
Mark set her down and said “Okay Ellie, I’ll give you a minute” with that, Mark turned and walked into the Eon.
As Ellie began to see the carnage of what once must have been a great spaceport, she realized it stretched for miles.
“Ellie... It isn’t all destruction and wreckage.” said her Ghost, at the sight of her tears “ There are many wonders to be seen to. Wait until you see the Tower, and the Traveler.” he continued.
“I believe you Seraphim. I'm jist in a huge shock right now; everything around me is new and gut wrenching.” replied Ellie, getting up, wiping her eyes, and boarding Mark’s ship.
As Seraphim watched her go, he wondered what he could do to help his Guardian.
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Mark heard the girl board his ship, and closed the loading hatch. Turning around in the pilot chair to face the only other room in the Eon, he saw Ellie sitting on his bunk, looking his desk and gun container against the other wall. “So, how do you like my ship? She’s small, but she can take and give a hell of a beating.” He said to Ellie and Seraphim.
“What’s the name of the ship?” asked Ellie, watching Seraphim scan the sidearm Mark had given her, that was holstered to her leg.
“The Eon Trespass” replied Mark. “She was designed by a friend of mine, three years before she disappeared.” he said, turning around to pilot the ship, and make contact with the Tower.
“This is Mark, three days ago I took the mission to kill the Fallen that had stolen the access codes to Rasputin’s Warsats. The mission was a success, and all data was wiped.” he said, speaking into the microphone on the Eon.
“This is the Tower, thank you for stopping us from having to worry about orbital strikes.” a robotic voice said through the intercom.
“I also have some good new. I have a newborn Guardian with me.” Mark added, glad but apprehensive that he was finally coming home.
“Records show that you haven’t been at the Tower, or the Reef in ten years, haven’t even made contact in that time. We are going to need you to undergo a search of your ship sir.” replied the voice.
“Understood. My ETA is 2 minutes until I enter the City’s airspace. Signing off” said Mark. Sighing he turned around to Ellie, and said “When we get to the City, I’m going to introduce you to some old friends of mine, and then I’m going to be gone for a bit. I’ll be back, I’m not leaving you, but please stay with my friends for now.”
“I will Mark. I trust you.” said Ellie, wondering why he was hiding something. After Mark turned back to fly the ship, she looked to her side and asked Seraphim, “Do you know why he hasn’t been to the Tower in almost a decade? It seems a bit weird Seraphim.”
“Ellie, I’ve read the City’s records on him. It’s not my place to tell his story; just give him some time to open up.” said Seraphim, “If his file shows anything, he always keeps the promises he makes.”
“OK Seraphim. Although, I won’t wait forever for him to tell me about himself” said Ellie looking back towards the cockpit.
End of chapter
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139,638 Literary Works • 672,637 Reviews
Commenting as I read for this one. Starting with the first half, Ellie's emotions are what stand out to me again.
I'd love to get some description of this. *What* is she seeing? Fallen beams and broken walls? Ruined shells of old spaceships? Get creative, and give us some concrete images to picture!
This is remarkably self-aware. Imagine the last time you felt a huge, overwhelming shock or grief like this. It's not until later that we're able to put into words what we're feeling. I think the adage "show don't tell" applies here--how do people act when they're upset? Broken sentences, difficulty forming thoughts into words, disbelief and denial, etc etc.
Ok onto the second half / scene. I'm not entirely sure why there's a scene break here. It looks like it's just a POV change, but so far the POV has consistently alternated between Ellie and Mark without any demarcation until now.
A grammar-ish rule of thumb for dialogue that might be helpful is: put the dialogue tag after the first reasonable pause. When the attribution is way at the end, we don't know who's talking until after we've already read everything they said. So for an example:
should become...
You can apply this to all the other lines as well.
Back onto characterization and plot, I wonder why Ellie trusts him? She has no reason to go along with what she says. I think it would make her a stronger character if she had more agency; rather than just going along with whatever Mark says, like a damsel in distress, I'd love to see her scheming to follow him or check out his ship's logs once he's gone or hatching some other plan like that. I want her to be active and interesting! There are enough female characters in the world who act like doormats.
And finally I shall move on to the chapter you actually requested I review XD
Hey Samk642,
First Impressions:Interesting piece, and I believe I've already reviewed at least one previous chapter.
Positives:Still like this concept of Guardians and such. You've got a really nice, Sci-fi/Steampunk feel going on, which is becoming big again.
Negatives:
Sometimes between your narrative and speech sections it feels a bit jumpy, like somethings missing. There doesn't seem to be very many fluid transitions that lead into the next action or the next idea that's coming out, but rather, you just jump from one to the next. Works great in things like a fight scene, or a really intense moment, but for the general time, you should try to keep it more fluid and connected. Drop me a few connectors here and there.
Grieving? She sure doesn't seem like it. Actually, I don't know what's going through Ellie's head right now, because you haven't told me. I can guess, but if I guess wrong, then sometime in the future I'll find out abruptly when they do something that I thought was out of character. It would be good to have some more information about your characters, gained by reading about what they do.
If you need to, there's an option in the editor that lets you insert a horizontal line. That will separate it for you, but without the clunky formatting.
Overall:This review was mostly based off of places I saw that I would personally improve in or change, but not because that's all I saw. It's good, but can be better.
I give it:
Hey there! Drac is here for a short review. I've only got one thing to comment on, to do with commas...
Mark arrived at the Eon after walking for miles with Ellie, who had passed out, in his arms
You don't need that comma after out.
he turned his head towards Argon and said “Open the hatch Argon, we’re going home.”
But you do need a comma after said. It might pay to read through and check for errors like this. You do it a lot with dialogue, such as below:
Mark set her down and said “Okay Ellie, I’ll give you a minute” with that, Mark turned and walked into the Eon.
You need that comma after said, and probably a full stop after minute, then a capital W.
Apart from those comma nitpicks, I enjoyed reading this. Your characters seem pretty well thought-out, and I could imagine each of their unique personalities. You have a good ratio of dialogue, action and description, I think. Definitely keep writing this!
Thanks!!!