Young Writers Society

Hello! I know you requested a review on ch4, but I saw that I looked at ch1 a long time ago, and apparently none of the others (I'm guessing they weren't out then). So I figured I'd go ahead and read the whole thing so I wouldn't get confused.

My initial impressions is that there's a lot going on very quickly, especially if you take this together with ch1. So many new terms and proper nouns--I was still trying to grasp Guardians, Ghosts, Fallen, and the cosmodrone, when the whole thing with the Tower and the Traveler was introduced.

Something that might help kill two birds with one stone is to not mention the Tower/Traveler until the characters actually get there. I say this because this chapter in particular has a lot of expository dialogue, where the characters are lecturing Ellie about what's what, which is basically an infodump, just hidden inside dialogue tags. If you wait to talk about the Tower, that not only makes it less overwhelming right now, but eliminates some of that dialogue, too. My rule of thumb is to only bring something up when it becomes strictly relevant to the scene.

I'm also a little confused about ghosts. The first chapter suggested they are machines, but this one suggests they're born. Each one is attached to a specific Guardian, right? Is the ghost the one who revives them?

I also agree with the previous reviews about 1) it's hard to tell whether Ellie or Mark is the protagonist, and 2) Ellie seems to understand the larger context of this war super quickly, and her emotions swing back and forth very quickly. This chapter is pretty short right now, so I'd say you have some room to expand--give her some time to digest and come to an understanding, and also give the reader some time to figure out what's going on, too.

Onto the next chapter! Cheers

Hey Samk642!

I read through the few revisions that you made, and they look good. It's actually really surprising how something as simple as italicizing the correct text in the correct places can make such a big difference.

Looks a lot more aesthetically pleasing.

One other thought I had involves the following quotes:

"It's hard to explain how I was made" said Seraphim. "I was born from the Traveler's last breath, when it gave its life to halt the Darkness. We were made to defend the City, not a city, but the last city on earth. We are the last line of defense for humanity. I revived you, because there is something special about you. I don't know what is special, but the Traveler chose you and I to be partners" As Seraphim looked at his Guardian's face, he wondered how she would react.

Ellie instantly stopped and fell to her knees. "What do you mean? That everything is gone? The planet is so big." she whimpered. "What about the colonies? Mars, Venus, Saturn, Mercury, the Moon?" yelled the girl to her Ghost.

Good evening and thank you for the update on my wall, feel free to keep me updated and I will do what I can to help you proof your works :]

To start,

Great continuation, you have a plan for your characters and they all seem driven to be driven and have their own set of goals. There's a little bit of everything going on; Heavy sci-fi and mystery theme, biblical references, fantasy with hints at a bit of romantic tension that can easily grab audiences.

I'm a little confused as to who the main protagonist is so far. You may want to distiguish this soon for readers and the more you split the load (looks like you're going for duel min protagonists with Ellie and Mark) the harder it will be to separate the story line when you reach the climax. I'm not sure what your plan is yet so I won't you off your grove, I only suggest picking someone and making it clear to your audience

another thing that I found confusing was the setting. like JosephGeorge wrote this is a very small chapter for it's substance. Not a lot changed from chapter 1 to chapter 2 and the idea seems a little out of place and could possibly fit well into the first chapter. The way you ended chapter1 felt complete and whole, you ended well here as well but I saw no change again with how you ended it in comparison with chapter 1 and honestly felt a little anti-climactic. Each paragraph has to have it's own story, be sure you don't separate your whole ideas, that can seem like a waste of time to readers and may not keep their interest.

I like the characters so far and I can feel what they feel but I will say for improvement it might help to make use of a thesaurus. Not that your use of words is not colorful only that I notice you using too many impersonal pronouns in your first paragraph and then quickly go to using all proper nouns. Be sure your sentences contain the correct amount of "word-i-ness" and what i mean by that is a change in wording can create a different sentence.

I'll use this paragraph because it's the one that caught my attention,

"Well, when a Guardian is born, the standard protocol is to get them back to the Tower. The Tower is where the Traveler is, and that is what made me to revive you. We were made to defend the City" responded the Ghost kindly. As Seraphim looked at his Guardian's face, he wondered how she would react to the ruins around her when dawn made them visible.

Here is how I would edit this and I'll go sentence by sentence (I know I'm very critical but I want to help you by being as introspective and objective as possible)

"Well when a Guardian is born the standard protocol is to get them back to the Tower."
(The comma's are unnecessary. You reference 'them' at the end of the sentence and that matches the beginning reference of 'Guardian' and round the though without any break needed)

"The Tower is where the Traveler is and that is what made me to revive you."
(This sentence could use some restructure or be separated completely after another line from Ellie possibly prompting the response. unfortunately your characters can't read each others minds, which in the end would make writing 100% easier. This is motive so it needs to be conveyed that there is no options for this character and you must explore this characters mind to reach how they would convey this as well as how the other character would act and re-act. I only suggest revision)

"We were made to defend the City" responded the Ghost kindly."
(Again this is motive and should probably wait until the introduction is near it's end.)

"As Seraphim looked at his Guardian's face, he wondered how she would react to the ruins around her when dawn made them visible."
(This brings up another theme for the readers and gives us more idea of the landscape which is important for people to be able to project the story they're reading)

Over all,

I like the story so far. you've given readers an interesting idea and now you must grow on it. Take more time editing your sentences, play with punctuation and word placement and don't be afraid to crawl out of your comfort zone when it really comes down to finalizing your drafts. Write stuff down you might think is irrelevant, go back 12 times, delete everything, start over, begin a different part of the story before going chronologically. Write down all of your ideas and pretend to be the people you're righting about and the substance will follow. You have a vision, you have the talent, all it will take now is the patients to edit and fill in the lines so that you don't just too ahead in the chapter or leaving people too much in the dark.

I hope my brutality does not deter you, I want to know where this goes and what this "Travelers" intentions are and why everyone is willing to go along with whatever Ellie and mark are clearly involved in.

Keep going! Keep editing and always show instead of tell.

Hey again Samk642,

First Impressions: A nice little addition to the previous chapter. Albeit it's very, very short, which makes it nice for the purposes of reviewing, but doesn't really fit into the confines of a real "chapter." Still good, though.

Most of my thoughts for the previous section still apply, so I'll just mention a thing or two that I found specific to this one.

He wondered what what he was going to tell her. Tell her when she asked the first question every Guardian asks; What happened; where am I? And why me? As he pondered it, all he could do was dread the moment.

Ellie walked behind Mark in silence, wondering where they were going. As she walked, she turned to Seraphim, her Ghost, and asked " Where is he leading us?" turning her head back and forth as she wished she could see the land around her.