Awoken: like humans, except blue skinned, race born in the Collapse, matriarchal run society
Fallen: four armed aliens, most are enemies of the Tower, notable exemption, Variks the Loyal
Cosmodrone: in Russia, was a big spaceship launch area
Exo: humanoid robot with sentience, most have lived multiple lives, existing for so long they have basically rebooted most of their memory
Incoming Transmission
To anyone Guardian who is hearing this, I am a hunter named Mark and this is a warning, prepare the tower for war, as this will probably be the last you hear from me. My Ghost, Argon, has sent the rest of the report to you encrypted and tell Cayde, contingency 666
Transmission Cut
I was tracking a group of Fallen through the cosmodrone at night, after they stole access codes to the Last Warmind, Rasputin, and his orbital weapons known as Warsats. As I was watching them from a distance when they became extremely excited as if blood had been spilled near sharks. That's when I saw the flash of light that signaled the birth of a new Guardian. Cursing under my breath, I realized thats what the Fallen were excited about.
"Don't do it Mark, it's near suicidal" said Argon, my Ghost, as he realized what I was planning to do.
"She's a newborn Guardian without a weapon, and is all alone. I have to try to save the new Guardian!" I said as I immediately broke my cover, vaulting over the boulder. Taking aim, I began gunning down as many as possible, before they reached the newborn Guardian.
When I awoke, I felt dizzy and nauseous as I looked up and saw a man running in a headlong charge towards me, shooting at strange creatures in the distance. Alien creatures, which caused me to become even more lightheaded.
"Get down, Ellie now!" Roared a deep and rough voice near her head, to which she promptly responded.
"Who are you" she asked as she saw energy bolts fly over her head through the air.
"I am Seraphim, your ghost, and while I know this is really confusing to you right now, you need to know you've been dead for centuries and that that man is trying to save us" replied a little floating machine that appeared in front of her.
"Holy shit" said Ellie, in amazement as she looked at the little machine. "So what are those creatures over their" she asked.
"Fallen.. That's their name, but no one knows where they came from, but they are savage pirates, killing and taking anything they think is valuable" said the little ghost with a mixture of disgust and anger in his voice.
Mark ducked his head as he dodged a Dreg's pistol shot, killing it and a few other Fallen with a tripmine grenade. He spun around to get hit by the Fallen captain's shock saber and hit the ground. As he looked up, he rolled out of the way of the next saber blow and threw his throwing knife, hitting the captain in the neck and killing him instantly.
As Mark picked himself up and brushed off his gun, the new Guardian approached him with apprehension in her body. Mark examined her and was amazed at how little she was for a awoken woman, and at how young she looked, barely making the look of 16 years old, which surprised him. He was the youngest Guardian ever resurrected at the age of 14, although that had been a while ago. Even so, with the light inside him, he had never aged a day, despite having spent the last two decades as a Guardian. He took one last examination of her and said sharply, "Do you have a weapon for her, Ghost"?
"No, I didn't find one beforehand, and I hadn't noticed the Fallen pack nearby" Seraphim replied sheepishly.
Before Mark could utter a single word, Argon flew up to the younger Ghost and began chewing him out with gusto.
"Do you know what could have happened" yelled Argon furiously. "You didn't even make sure that a Guardian was on standby, therefore endangering you, your Guardian, and the City itself" continued Argon. As he drew another breath to continue the tirade, he was stopped by Mark, who walked in front of him.
"He is right you know" said Mark, " and if I ever see you pull a stunt like that again, I will hunt you down and see to it that the Darkness itself looks like mercy when I'm done with you, Ghost" he finished with a venomous glance. Mark turned his head towards Ellie and continued talking, "you need a gun, so for now stick, with me." He said, handing her his Jabberhakke sidearm.
"Thank you" said Ellie as she followed the strange man walking off in the night, wondering what would happen next...
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hey Samk642,
(NOTE: I was going to review the second chapter of this work, but figured it would be better to read the first, first.)
First Impressions: Sick story! I love Sci-Fi, and even though these are only the first few opening lines, I am already drawn in by some of these unique concepts that you're throwing around. I feel like the writing itself seems a little, young, but that's just personal opinion there.
Positives: This whole idea of these Ghosts resurrecting Guardians is very appealing. Anything that breaks out of the norm of life will do that, and anything to do with time is a big hit in the world of Science Fiction. Love that.
Negatives: Most of the things that I would point out are about grammar, writing structure and such. There's quite a few, as there will be with any book, so I'll just point out the main things that popped out.
First is that I'm sometimes confused as to who is narrating and which characters are the focal point.
In the above excerpt it jumps from Mark's First Person view, to someone else's, and then below to no one in particulars. I think it's mostly just an issue with the ordering of the pronouns. Simple fix, though.
Another thing I noticed is that, while most writers use far too many descriptive adjectives and flowery "flow-ons" to spice up their work, you have the opposite, and sometimes I would like a little bit more of a description into the scene. A tag here or there of how her eyes seemed big, like a child's, or perhaps the muscles of her arms still hadn't formed through. Just a few add ins to make it more substantive.
Overall: But I did enjoy reading, and will go on to the next chapter.
Thanks for putting this up, and keep going!
I give it:
Catching and intriguing start with a grand over-view to key points of your story right away. I have a million questions as to what is going on and how our main character has come to this point. The way you write is very poetic too though there were parts in the middle that seemed to drag if only for a few lines.
I always say that the best writing is the kind that makes other writers inspired and that is what I am. You use a creative sci-fi theme that conveys something still spiritual and human in the characters you've provided thus far and mix it into a technologically dependent (possibly future or trans-dimensional?) atmosphere that makes sci-fi readers intrigued. The feeling of 'more-than-human' is present and I like that
Awoken, Cosmodrone, Guardians, Fallen. Warsats!? Great choices for theme names, instills curiosity while being open about what they clearly represent. Keep it up, I'll be looking out for more.
Stephen
Hi there! This is a fun premise and you open with an exciting, gripping action scene. The high tension really makes me want to know how things turn out.
The biggest thing that threw me off was the shifting POVs. There's a mix of first person and third person without good demarcation of the switch, and I think when you first switch to the girl's POV you mixed it up a bit (some I's and she's/her's in the same paragraph). I assume this is just an editing error, but definitely keep a close eye out for unintentional POV breaks and similar snafoos.
On a sentence level, you could break up your sentences more, to give them more punch. Action sequences are frantic, tense, full of disjointed thoughts and high adrenaline. Often shorter, clipped sentences can help get that feel across. For example, the first paragraph...
That is *dense*. It takes a lot of work to parse that and sort out what's going on. Tons of new concepts (Fallen, cosmodrone, access codes, Rasputins, warsats, a tower, a previous orbital assault, birth of a new Guardian--all in two sentences!). You're throwing all that new stuff at us while also trying to introduce setting and the MC, and it's an information overload for me. I feel like I can't keep up. I'd recommend breaking the sentences up, focusing each one on a single important detail. Maybe save some of the worldbuilding elements for later, to help smooth out the learning curve.
Also, right after that, I immediately thought, "Who's Argon?" He came out of nowhere, and I have no idea where he is in relation to the MC (or where they are in relation to the Fallen/Guardian), and I just overall feel lost and ungrounded. Instead of telling us so much about Rasputins and orbital assaults and things, maybe focus instead on setting up the blocking and making the picture clear for the reader?
Here's another example of a dense, wordy sentence:
By combining everything into one sentence, it takes away some of the intensity of the action.
Now, I'd hate for you to slow down the pace and fill it all up with paragraphs of description--I'm sure you were trying to avoid that, and I'm not suggesting it. But I think maybe a re-focusing of the sentences you do have, plus a *few* extra. Make the setting and placement of the characters clear (where everyone is in relationship to each other, for instance, and what the atmosphere around them is like--are they ducked for cover behind a ridge at night, or perched on a tall rocky outcrop early morning, etc? I have no idea)
Good luck and happy writing!
Hey there, yizhongt here to leave a short review for you.
Now for the transmission that was given out, I suggest you remove the word welcome which starts it. Welcome in my opinion does not convey the urgency the message conveys. Just start with 'to' right off the bat. It changes the tone of the message.
Now there was one sentence where you mixed up the words in it. This one to be exact:
(I was tracking a group of fallen through the cosmodrone after they stole the access codes some of Rasputins warsats orbiting earth,)
It should be 'of some Rasputin warsats', not 'some of...'
You might also want to put a capital F for the word Fallen as I assume they are a group of people.
All in all, I thought this was a good start. A bit short though. That being said, I would like to see more of thru story and how you flesh it out. Keep on writing!
Thank you, I will edit out the welcome and the Fallen are actually another species.