Ruri ran her Claymore over the whetstone in slow strokes. Her faithful sword had been needing a polishing for AGES, and it wasn’t like her to leave it for so long. Her emerald eyes scanned the deck as she felt the vibrations of someone approaching. A moment later Farzeen and her Skvader ESA, Bunny, came tromping up to her.
“Hi. Do you want an orange? They help boost your immune system.” Farzeen held out the sweet fruit to Ruri.
Farzeen was a short, bushy haired girl from some remote town in Andhera. She had, apparently, studied at a great university and now thought she knew everything. Her kindness made up for it though. Ruri had liked her as soon as she met her.
“Thank you. I only have this dagger in return.”
“Um… I wasn’t trying to trade… there’s a whole bowl in the kitchen, I just grabbed you one. I don’t want a knife, thank you.” Farzeen tugged on her impressive black hair.
“Suit yourself.” Ruri took the orange and went back to her polishing.
Morgan crept up silently and side-eyed her.
"You're going to waste the whole day polishing that sword. For what? We're on a ship, there's no enemies out here."
You're the enemy, Ruri thought. Morgan was a Purple-Eyed, a Lost, a vicious monster parading in a woman's body. They were destroying the world. Ruri had been part of an elite team, focused on taking them all out, of ridding the earth of their stench, until things went south and she found herself BUNKING with one. The worst part? Farzeen was entranced by her, preferring her company to civilized people, and if she thought about it, Ruri's too. She shuddered. Farzeen was supposed to be the smart one.
Ruri felt a warm hand on her back, and swung around to face Verity Ishbara's caramel eyes. She instantly relaxed. Verity would take care of it, she always knew exactly what to say in any situation.
Verity smiled reassuringly. "Is everything good over here? You seem a little tense." Her island accent barely rose above a whisper when she talked.
"We're fine Verity. Go back to your magic mirror and leave us be." Came Morgan's deep reply. Verity ignored her.
Morgan's black dress danced as she left. Everything about Morgan was black, from the braided tresses on her head to the ridiculous heels on her feet. The only burst of color were those accursed eyes.
She brushed by Idalia, who evidently still had a migraine, as she was rubbing her temples and moaning.
"Sorry guys. I don't know what's wrong with me, I never get headaches this bad!" Her usually calm voice was strained.
"Sit down, do not overexert yourself. We wouldn't want our fearless captain to suffer more harm, would we?" Verity led her over to a crate and helped her get away from the glare of the sun.
"Thanks Verity. I really appreciate it." Idalia closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose.
Ruri looked back to where Morgan and Farzeen were chatting. She heard herself growl softly. Morgan had probably cast some sort of evil Seidr spell on Idalia, and now she couldn't finish her tasks. Why were they tolerating this?! Ruri sheathed her sword and glared at the pair. If only Farzeen would just LISTEN to her… but she wouldn't give her the time of day, not when they started talking about that thing. It wasn't even a person.
Ruri longed for her old position, as an Enforcer, as one of Lord Jaeger's most trusted commandos. He was a strong, wise leader, and he wouldn't keep company with these people. She sighed. No use to complain now, she'd grin and bear it. Just like her mother always said, just like she always did. Ruri looked out at the blue sea that stretched on for miles. It was a calming sight, regardless of the storm brewing inside of her. She stacked up bushels of hay and went to work, decimating them with her Claymore. She'd stay ready for anything that could possibly be thrown at her.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,007 Literary Works • 672,817 Reviews
Hi WrenZorya,
Mailice here with a short review!
Looking for a new story to read, I also came across yours. The title sounded promising and I liked your writing style. Your story has a good yet stimulating pace. I don't find it too slow or too fast, but works as a good way to let the reader settle in for the beginning.
I like the way you did the introduction. It had a bit too much pacing at the beginning I think, but found it reflected very well when considered in the overall context of the chapter. I also like how you manage not to clarify some things, and yet it still feels clear and understandable to the reader. As I'm excited to see what it will look like for the upcoming chapters, I'm looking forward to this.
I like the structure and look of the chapter as you do with the first hanging line. It gives the text a very good look. I also noticed that so far you focus the descriptions of the characters on eyes and hair, mainly and think you should try to add some new features there; such as striking features (jewellery, or scars, etc...). It will also make your characters seem a bit more human.
Other things I noticed:
I'm not a fan of all-capital letters, but I think that's up to the writer, but I would try to keep it consistent, because you use bold towards the end to emphasise something.
People who come from university are often convinced that they know everything.
I like the method that you insert knowledge about the situation through dialogue. It gives the whole story a faster pacing.
It was a great written first chapter. I liked
Have fun writing!
Mailice
Hi Dossereana here to do a short review on your story. I sore the other chapter in the green room and thought I best start from the beginning first.
I love how you started this of with Ruri, and as you put it in such great words her faithful sword. I love the color of her eyes to, emerald such a wonderful color. Anyways, I love how you started it of, I can see the rusty sword beginning to look more shiny as Ruri scraps the whetstone across it.
Well that's a very kind offer for sure. Farzeen seams real sweet already, I can see she's going to be a great person in this story.
If Farzeen was tugging on Ruri's hair then wouldn't she have more of a reaction then this, I mean it must hurt a bit. I no when someone's tugging my hair it hurts for sure, even if I brush it to hard. Just saying you might want to think about the reaction here. Other then that I love how things are going so far.
Wow now Morgan's got a lot to say, its almost like she has something against Ruri.
Well okay if that's how you feel about Morgan, and Farzeen then that's the way it shell be. This I find is great character development and I'm really in joying it.
Well that's all I have to say about this chapter I really liked reading it, keep up the great work. I'm looking forward to the next chapter.
I hope you have a great day/night witch ever side of the world your on.
@Dossereana Flying Over The Green Room And Spreading Shards Of Encouragement
Hey! I'm FlamingPhoenix and I'm here to leave a review on this work! Hope your all warm on this chilly day!
Okay lets begin!
Wonderful description here! It really sets the scene and gives up a small glimpse of where we are and what kind of character Ruri is!
Did I mention that I love it you added in a small bit of sound description into here, it really adds so much more into the paragraph.
Nice little hint of their friendship here, it's not a lot but it's enough.
Hhheeelllooo new character!!!! XD Nice hint of curiosity here.
Ah yet again another wonderful description!
I would also like to say I like it that you added a tad of world building, it really does give the story a more real feeling, and I always love learning about a new world, there are so many knew things to learn about!
It's also very interesting that your already introducing the enemy and knowing we have one as a character.
Yet again you go above and beyond with describing your characters.
Ooooo is something bad going to happen?
Ahh now that's a nice way to end the chapter! A small hint about her life and how she wishes for it to be different. I also really like her determination.
There is a small thing that I would like to see more of, the description at the end of your chapter was really nice and I would have liked more of that in the chapter. I think you described your characters really nicely, but I would like more on whats going on around them.
Well that's all from me! I really liked this chapter and I am planning on reviewing the next one soon! I do hope you will continue writing and post again soon! I would love to see what they get up to next. Oh something just came to me, there is just girls! Where are the boys? Lol
Anyhoo. Glad I had to chance to review this!
FlamingPhoenix
Reviewing with a fiery passion.
Thank you for your review! They threw the boys overboard! (Just kidding, it%u2019s an all-girl gang) I will keep that in mind, about describing what%u2019s around them. Thanks again!
XD okay glad I could help!
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well...this was quite an interesting little story here...I like the vibe it gives off here...the characters seem very different from each other, with pretty interesting personalities...and there's some tension too...soo...perfect recipe for a first chapter here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...well...this looks like a fun little start to a first chapter here..introducing a character and her sword...well...I'm intrigued at any rate...let's see where this is going.
Hmm...well...dunno about the oranges...but...I do like how this character is introduced here...pretty simple and short description there....doesn't interfere with the flow of the story here and that's of course the most important part.
Hmm...well interesting that she thought it was a trade....but it definitely seems like this is a nice kind gesture from the character introduced as being kind and I like how that reinforces things there.
Hmm...well that person definitely has no idea how important keeping a sword well polished is, especially at sea...cause that thing can rust itself to pieces very easily if not properly taken care of.
Okay...well that...promised to be a very interesting character to have on this ragtag bunch of characters here....well...this should be awesome going forward.
Hmm....well we always need a character like that to be in a group that seems as chaotic as the ones introduced so far.
Ooooh...magic mirrors...those sound like they would be very interesting.
Well..that's a fun way to sneak in a little description...
Well...migraines are always a pain, no matter who you are in what universe...
And oohh...she's the captain...well that's even more interesting.
Okay....that doesn't looking like its heading towards a peaceful conclusion there...she definitely seems to very severely distrust this Morgan...and that might just end up causing a mutiny or something on board...at any rate, this little conflict does serve its purpose very well in the first chapter of a story here.
Hmm...well that's a lovely touch of backstory there to end on...definitely seems like a solid first chapter this one.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall...definitely a pretty solid first chapter here...I would definitely continue reading from here onwards...well..anyway that's all I've gotta say here..soo..until next time.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Thank you! I appreciate your review and I will keep it in mind!
You're Welcome!!
Hi, hello, greetings, salutations, good morning, good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight. As well as many other pleasant things that that I do not have time for as I am here to review this. Anyway, Wolf here!
This is a great first chapter, I love how you introduce each of your characters and really give us an idea of who they are. I'm looking forward to getting to know more about them! you already have me hooked on your story and I sit here in anxious anticipation for the next chapter! Keep writing and as always, beware the trees.
In the Pen,
Wolf