Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Author's Note: I'm not as satisfied with the quality of this chapter as I have been with previous ones, but it gets the job done and works perfectly fine for a first draft. And while I may not be in love with the writing in this chapter, I do love how I was able to introduce two new and very important characters! The first of the two is a character I've had for a very long time that lacked a story to call her own, and the second one is a character I've been waiting to introduce for the past few months.
Words: 1,542
Last Line(s): And if there was even the
slightest possibility of Lira being able to help them understand
everything better, they had to take the risk.
Chapter 8
It wasn't long before they were standing before the palace doors again. Cass stared up at the impressive building in front of them that was illuminated by the floating lanterns surrounding the premises. It had felt so comforting earlier because it had been one of the few things untouched by her then unexplained feelings, but now Cass was left with a lingering confusion as she turned her attention to the guard standing before them.
She was a young woman. Cass was sure she was older than them, but it couldn't have been by too much. Her hair was thrown back into a ponytail, and a dark hand rested on the hilt of her sword. But it wasn't the glint of the metal hilt that caught Cass's eye; it was the golden chain dangling around her neck. The charm attached to it was tucked underneath her uniform, but Cass could make out its general shape.
Her heart skipped a beat.
Could it be what she thought it was...?
“Welcome back,” the woman said. She took a wide step back and gestured at the door, her lips curling up into a smile as Aspen went to push it open. “Rodet stormed out about ten minutes ago, so you should be good to come back in now.”
Aspen hesitated. Cass, unprepared for the sudden stop, walked straight into her best friend and had to hurry to steady herself. Once she had regained her balance, Cass wisely took several steps back from Aspen before she could spin around and bump into her.
“How did you know that Rodet was the reason I left?” Aspen asked, staring at the guard.
The guard pointed at the door with a nod of her head. “Rodet went in with a pissed off expression on his face, and you came storming out of the building a few minutes later. He's the type of guy who gets everyone around him angry when he's angry, so it didn't take much to put it all together.” She folded her arms, her grin growing a bit larger. “You'd be surprised by how predictable this place can be sometimes.”
“Oh,” Aspen said. “Thanks for the heads up, then.”
“No problem.”
Aspen walked into the building, leaving Cass on the front steps with the guard. Cass went to join Aspen, but, just as she was about to set foot inside, she felt a hand grab onto her shoulder. She nervously glanced over in the direction of the guard. “You might want to hide that before you go in there,” the young woman almost comically whispered.
Cass glanced down to see the locket dangling above her chest again. Horror rushed through her as went to shove it back underneath her tunic. Few had been kind to her after seeing the locket; wouldn't this guard be the same? But no matter how hard she searched for hatred or distrust similar to Rodet's, she could only find sincerity in the woman's tone and expression.
“Thank you,” she gratefully said.
The woman grinned. A second later, she found a hand being thrust in her direction. “My name's Darunia Vain,” the guard promptly informed her. “Or, as most people call me, Runi! If you're ever in need of some help navigating this city while you're here, just let me know – I haven't been here long, but I've already got a pretty decent idea of how to get around.”
Cass wasn't sure how she was supposed to respond to such an abrupt offer. She ultimately decided that the best response was a small smile and another quiet thank you, and that seemed to be enough to satisfy the eager guard. Runi gestured for her to enter, softly closing the door behind her once Cass was standing inside.
xXx
They found Lira in her bedroom.
She didn't acknowledge their presence when they hesitantly entered the room, and even the usually boisterous Aspen was quiet as they approached her. Lira's fingers dangled in the water as she sat on the rim of the fountain. The patterns from earlier began to appear across its surface, and she absentmindedly withdrew a small orb of water from the fountain's depths, and an intrusive warmth settled upon the room.
“Hey, Lira,” Aspen said.
Lira didn't look up.
“I, uh, found Cass.”
Her gaze remained focus on the fountain, but she began to speak despite the lack of eye contact. “That's good,” she said. The swirling grew in intensity, only to calm when water began to splash up against the sides of its container. “I talked to Rodet and managed to convince him not to go to his dad about what happened.”
“He was going to go to the king?” Cass asked, her voice quiet.
Lira nodded.
She should have expected that Prince Rodet would more than just try attacking her in the street, but the thought of first being mentioned to the king as a threat absolutely terrified her. She silently made her way over to the bed and sank down into the mattress. She had been here for less than a day; how had she already managed to make an enemy out of someone? The past few hours had been a wild whirl of emotions and surprises, but this was the most bizarre of them all. She had always been the one who faded into the background. And while she had always wished that people other than Aspen paid attention to her, she had never once wanted to be subject to their hate.
Aspen glanced between Lira and Cass.
“Look,” she said. “I get that darkness magic is a bad thing here, but Cassie is the kindest person I know. Back out in the streets? That wasn't her trying to cause conflict. That was Rodet scaring the living daylights out of her, and Cass reacting like any normal person would. That's all. And if you believe otherwise, then I guess...then I guess we'll just have to get out of your hands and find somewhere else to go until we can find our way back to Kansas!”
The sentiment was appreciated, but being kicked out of the palace would mean losing the one shelter they had; there was nowhere else they could go. They had none of this world's currency, and didn't even know the layout of the town. While that would have been bad enough on its own, going out now meant stumbling around in the dark. Cass drew her legs up and pulled them tight to her chest. She just wanted this endless day to come to a close. She was sick and tired of being turned away because of the things she couldn't control.
Lira sighed and raised her head.
“I believe you,” she said. “It's just that...”
“Just that what?” Aspen demanded.
Lira let out another heavy sigh. “None of this makes any sense. My dad's always believed that the lockets were holy relics stolen from the gods, but, when they finally show up, they're in the hands of someone who has darkness magic.” She shifted on the fountain's rim, crossing her legs as she met Aspen's hardened gaze. “I know that magic is something that's not a choice, but I don't understand why the lockets would give their power to someone that has Cass's magic.”
“Maybe magic isn't the key to the locket's decision making process,” Aspen argued. Done with staring down Lira, she made a beeline for the bed and plopped down right beside Cass. “It wasn't exactly like we got them through some crazy trial. We got them at a flea market for ten bucks a piece. That doesn't exactly scream holy to me.”
The water stilled and the room chilled. Lira's expression had gone from confused to contemplative. As seconds turned into minutes, neither Aspen or Cass dared to speak. Cass was worried that so much as uttering a word would sway Lira in whatever decision she was trying to make. With her recent stroke of luck, she'd surely only produce more conflict.
“I need to consult with the gods,” Lira finally informed them, slowly getting to her feet.
Cass wasn't sure if that should be taken as a victory or not.
As Lira began to head towards the door, Cass and Aspen rose as well and fell into step behind her. While she were unsure what consulting with the gods implied, Cass knew it would be farther safer to stay in close proximity to Lira than to wander the palace alone – not all of the guards would be as nice as Runi if she accidentally showed her locket again.
“Nebris...Nebris should have the answers,” Lira said as they stepped out into the hallway. Cass couldn't tell if the comment had been intended for them, or if it had been meant to comfort Lira.
“Nebris?” Aspen asked.
“My god,” Lira softly answered. She kept her gaze on an open door further down the hallway. Cass couldn't see her face, but the tone of voice was enough to know that the very thought of this god made Lira happy. “It's been more than a year since we last met, but he always responds to my prayers. He'll understand what's going on and give me the guidance I need.”
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Canary word: Present
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Hey, Saen! Sorry for another long wait. I'm still wondering when my reviewing motivation will return from war.
Small Comments
I agree with Blue that this moment is kind of weird. It's an odd conclusion for Cass to jump to considering that the lockets are so rare, and if it happens to be the right conclusion, it's even weirder. It would be too convenient for Cass to meet another person with a locket on the exact same day that she arrives in this world. It's already a stretch that she's run into Lira, who's probably a contracted as well.
Don't tell us Aspen's character traits - you've done great with showing us her personality, so we already know she's boisterous.
Not necessary to reiterate this, seeing as you've said she's keeping her eyes on the fountain.
Once you get halfway through this paragraph, I think you've made the point you need to make and made it well. The rest is kind of needless excess. We already know that Cass wanted people take notice of her. And it's pretty obvious that she wouldn't want to be hated.
Two thoughts here:
1) I'm not sure that Kansas reference fits well here. It's a running joke throughout the narrative, yes, but it's not a jokey scene, so it strikes the wrong chord. 'Find our own way home' would be a perfectly acceptable substitute.
2) While it's lovely to see Aspen standing up for Cass (<3), I do wish that Cass would stick up for herself a bit more. Cass says next to nothing in the scene with Lira. She's never going to feel like an active protagonist if Aspen is constantly talking for her. Even if she speaks up haltingly and shakily, it's still progress, and it's the kind of progress I want to see her make.
Nice bit of dialogue! It raises an important point but still feels really in-character.
Just a few typos here.
I think this would be more effective as a last line if you deleted the bold, but it's up to you.
Overall Thoughts
I agree with Blue that the pacing is a bit slow in this chapter. It does occasionally feel like you're wading through explanations, and HECK if I can't relate to that in my novel, but you've got to find a way to either (a) layer up the explanation with moving the plot forward or (b) make the reader so eager to hear the explanation that it really holds their attention. In this chapter, they're kind of just focusing on stuff that's already been covered - you don't touch on any of the contracted stuff, which is the thing I'm most interested in. As a consequence, it sorta feels like we're treading water.
The end of the chapter is promising, though, because I'm intrigued to know more about the gods and how this world interacts with them. I wonder how Nebris is connected to Lira. My brain immediately wondered if he would turn out to be her contracted, but I'm probably way off the mark with that.
One other concern I did have about this chapter is Runi. It's nice to meet another friendly character and she seems like she's going to be fun, but she didn't exactly feel...guard-y? She's a far cry from the stoic Buckingham Palace security. It is good that you're not writing her to a stereotype, but she was SO exuberant that it just didn't feel convincing to me. I feel like she'd have to be more professional than that - unless she genuinely just isn't that good at her job. But I feel like Lira's dad would employ the best.
Other than that, though, my concerns are kind of ongoing - I'm still worried about Cass being too passive, as I mentioned in the small comments. She needs to say and do more in these scenes. Nevertheless, it's great to see Lira loosening up, I'm glad that we're going to learn more about the gods, and Aspen continues to be a darling. Looking forward to the next instalment!
Keep writing!
~Pan
Thanks for the review!
I just mentioned this down in my reply to Blue's review, but I'll definitely try adding Runi in earlier. And since your point about Lira's dad employing the best didn't even cross my mind prior to writing this, I think I'll try introducing her in another way - I just needed a place to throw her in so Cass knows her when things happen later on (and hopefully soon) in the plot.
So this is kind of funny to me because could the golden chain not belong to an ordinary necklace or something? I guess it sort of makes sense that Cass would be thinking along locket lines only, given everything that's happened to her so far, but it's still sort of odd that she's immediately like, "it must be the third locket!!!"
However, I hold out some hope that this is literally just the way Cass' mind is working right now and that this will actually turn out to be an ordinary necklace after all (or maybe a necklace that's important to Runi but not because of things having to do with the lockets), rather than this being a really heavy-handed hint like "OH LOOK RUNI HAS THE THIRD LOCKET."
The pacing in this chapter is again kind of slow because of the explanatory conversations and all the awkward pauses as people try to figure out what to say to each other. Which honestly is something I find myself writing all the time, and every time it happens writing the chapter is like pulling teeth and I hate the way it's going, and eventually I'm just like "okay you know what let's cut half of this we really don't need all this conversation." It just makes things drag.
That said, I really like the bit at the end about Nebris??? Like, "he always responds to my prayers," but it definitely sounds like Lira physically sees him or at least hears him whenever she prays? So I'm like insanely curious about this and I can't wait to see what happens with Nebris.
Thank you for your review! I'm sorry for not replying to it sooner.
I definitely should have made it clearer in Cass's internal thoughts, but she was actually thinking that Runi was wearing a[i] golden locket, not [i]the golden locket. It came up really early on, so I'm guessing that's why it wasn't your first thought, but it's been mentioned that people who support Telorum wear golden (or gold colored) lockets. Cass was thinking that Runi might have been one of those supporters.
I think in future drafts, I want to add Runi in a bit sooner - I threw her in now because I think she's the perfect character to be involved in a later part of the plot, but I had trouble writing her introduction. If I add her in before the revelation about the contracted, do you think her entrance and conversations with the girls would flow a bit better?
Ohhhhhh okay, now that you mention it I do vaguely remember that. I think introducing her earlier might help but it might be more helpful to mention more than once that Telorum supporters wear gold lockets. Alternatively, it's fine as is but a) I have a terrible memory and b) this is LMS.