Published November 7, 2017
There once was a Wholesome King of a Land of Peace. He was joyful and benevolent to his very spirit, a pure white aura surrounding his pale white scales and adorning those close to him in the light of positivity. His smile, pearly and bright, shone like the stars; his cheer and love enough to avert the most determined demon from the path of sin. He was tolerance, kindness, infinite Forgiveness. His love stretched across the stars and through many a moon, the warmth resonating throughout the universe, echoing through time and space.
One day, a greedy Man, driven so by natural craving of knowledge and power - as is inherent - sought out that positivity for his own gain - he intended to sell it and make fortunes from it, to bolster his own foolish gains, and the Wholesome King, in all his glory, was thought to know better than to concede to such a greedy Man. The Advisor warned him several times, but the generous King was all too joyous to be honored with the opportunity to advent a legacy of peace. The Man came bearing gifts and bending knee, praying and revering the King like a mere priest for days on end until the King - finally free of the incessant ramblings of the Advisor, who vacated the King afterwards in scorn - bestowed his kindness upon him as a favor, with the declaration that he who should wield it should wield infinite joys, never to be tainted by sin and vice.
The Man, lustful and ambitious, and scorned by the King's hesitation to grant his wishes, betrayed the Wholesome King and kidnapped his beloved daughter, the Ethereal Princess, assisted by those with their own ends. He held her in his clutches and deprived her energy until she died off in a burst of great flames, her ashes cast to the wind by the Man. The Wholesome King, catching the faint sight of his daughter's ashes after brooding over her disappearance as his kingdom faltered in his depression, began to feel something he'd never felt before. Rage. Fury. Hate.
He desired and thought nought but those things, Willing them into existence over century after century, growing in strength until his desire for vengeance overcame him, his blood ran red-hot and his scales blackened with negativity, his expression so forever locked in its sternness he was rendered incapable of smiling. He cursed the greedy Man and his family to perish, not by his hands, but by the hands of his greed. He declared that the very power he sought for gain would spurn his posterity to burn and wilt like a garden set ablaze. The Man wrote the curse off as fallacy and deceit, leaving his son the wealthy proverbs of infinite positivity. He spoke endlessly of the power he'd amassed, and how much it'd done for him. He ruled his home with an iron fist that never let up, until it was a mere shadow of its former self. He died a smug, pompous man unopposed and unconcerned, smiling in his coffin as he was buried with his riches.
His son, determined to achieve the fortune of which his greedy father left him none and leave his cursed peoples - who'd so turned against themselves in conflict that they left their home smoking ruin - deeming them mere impediments to his success, stole away to the Wholesome King's castle, where he procured the power from him with ease under one condition - that he not be boisterous about it, to use it for good and good alone.
He was to repeat his father's wrongs.
Returning to his family with the power and garnering undeniable wealth and profit from it, the son, revered as a hero of his people and god of their world now crumbled and lost under veil of eternal bleak, was raised on so high a pedestal he let the words and praises of the populace infect him with madness. He sought nought but gain and profit, and in his insanity split the kindness and his spirit among eight who shared his sentiments and delighted in his crooked vision, who then twisted the severed kindness and used it to deceive, to lie, to cheat, to steal, and murder. They destroyed the world they once sought to live in, corrupted by their greed and broken by their sin...
Until one day...
One of Malice and Vengeance was fated to leave their grand fortune in irreparable, razed land, borne from the Wholesome King's undying fury fueled by his own bleakness and cast away to the foreign, yet native land; home with no home. The One burned and destroyed, enacting the most cruel justice imaginable upon the world in the name of no end. The message became clear to the Man as he lie upon the ashes of his former self and ambitions -
Never betray the Wholesome King. You'll not live to betray elsewhere.
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Thanks for sharing this fascinating story. The introduction is a masterpiece. I was drawn into the story by the description of this being who seems to somewhat resemble God almighty as described in the Bible in infinite benevolence. The references to how he initially influenced his universe are fascinating. I was not distracted or annoyed by the complex sentence structures or by the ornamental language. I found that it reinforced the mysterious mood and the ancient ambience.
I followed the story with keen interest in exactly how this being was going to handle the cunning deceiver. I assumed that such a being would readily perceive the deception. But then the story tells me that he was easily duped. It also tells me that he goes into a rage while doing nothing while the deceiver prospers. Then it tells me the the deceiver dies contented and prosperous while the being had raged. Immediately after the deceiver’s son appears, fools this being again and the same mistake is repeated. The difference is that this time one of eight of other deceivers winds up insane and is to serve as an example for others who might try the same thing.
suggestion:
Slow the pace down and elaborate a bit more. Provide us some background informatuion on where exactly these things are taking place. Where exactly is the being living. Who exactly is the Advisor? What role does the princess play. All these are excellent opportunities to inform the reader and provide story with some depth that will increase reader understanding. What about the man causes the being to hesitate?
“...to the Man as he lie upon the ashes....” seems ungrammatica.
Hi, I'm Thundahguy, and I don't know proper symbolism, so, please bear with me in this review if I misinterpret things.
The idea of a giver and a taker has been a staple in mythological stories and fables, usually teaching that taking too much results in one's downfall. With the current state of the world politics, I do have to say that that lesson isn't really true, at least to me. Your take on it, that taking too much results in everyone's eventual downfall, even after being warned, seems much more applicable to the current day.
The start to the middle of this story is easy to follow for a basic simpleton like me, so that's particularly fine. The ending though, when the son takes power from the Wholesome King, is where it starts to get a bit confusing for me. It sort of goes from 0 - 100, you know. In one paragraph, he goes from forsaking a gift to destroying the world, or at least theirs. A little more elaboration would be appreciated.
The story also ends kind of abruptly. The One was a surprising introduction, who then goes to destroy everything. Rather than more elaboration, a better lead-up or more story would help exemplify the effect of The One.
So, kind of a short review. Your story is definitely good, but also seems to lead to pure symbolism by the end. Then again, I don't regularly look at these kinds of writings, so I'm probably just talking out of my butt.
Thanks! And I figured as much when I wrote it, but posted it anyway for review from others. It's a prototype, and the symbolism is actually for my personal lore, but I can expand it when I plan out the story more! The abruptness is definitely due to gaps in planning on my part, but thanks for confirming my concerns! I'll be coming back to this soon!