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16+ Violence Mature Content

Taking A Nap. Yawn 1 (First Draft)

by SacredPen


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.

*Note*

Wrote this in a notebook three years ago.

Kinda mediocre and cliche.

Thus it's a first draft.

I'll revise it at a later time. 

 "Now, now, darling, it's quite the woeful sight to watch you struggle at those chains so adamantly. It hurts to watch- really it does- so be a dear and please stop. You know that even at maximum strength, you can't break them." Enma whispered into Aldron's large, furry white ears, the pure bad intent reverberating throughout their inner pinkness. This was to be expected at this rate, Aldron thought, as by now he was in the position he figured he would be in eventually should he not dispatch his loyal Ace Ranking Trainee. " I should've gotten rid of her when I had the chance. I should've sent her home, I should've reported her to the authorities, I should've...Darn it! Why should I, the mighty Turquoise Halbengeor, have reason to fear a simple Talcai?! Why must she emit such a passionate and loving aura...especially when her heart's intent is so far from it?!" were just a few of the countless thoughts racing through the mind of the otherwise aloof and logical General Aldron as he sat there, tied down to his own practice target- upside-down, as well- via several chained sickles that were manually reassembled to connect to each other, forming one large chain attached to the target by the sickles anchoring them to the back. Enma casually sat down on Aldron's desk, minding not his several work forms and papers submitted by new recruits to prove their mental stability and mindset that were being crushed and crumpled by her rear as she adjusted her seating position. 

     "Gee, Enma... for someone so laudable for their soft-spokeness and general shyness, you sure are into some weird stuff...heh..." Aldron tried to make the mood a tad bit lighter, as he knew everyone had some element of character to them that could be reached out to and touched, manipulated and controlled to bring any desired outcome- his being survival. Enma simply giggled and began to twirl a small dagger around her hands, testing its undeniable sharpness on her them, squeezing them so the blood would drip past her fur and onto the floor, or other parts of her long, blue leg plates, the only armor she appeared to be wearing other than her set of about three spiked collars, the spikes of which all bore some red stains not requiring explanation, according to Enma. "Oh, look at my hands- so bloody and tainted, yet still my hands that I love so dearly. So dearly, in fact, I'm willing to slice into them just to watch their life drain happily. My hands are happy, which is why they shiver with joy and are reluctant to cut anymore, for fear of over excitement! Is that not why you sweat and shiver as you are, dear General?" Enma laughed, the glow of her red eyes upon being struck by the moonlight that crept in through a window typically unopened in the winter months not necessarily helping the room at all. 

     Aldron was indeed sweating- quite profusely, at that. Secretly, he worried about getting sweat in his eyes, although that wasn't a top priority at the time. However, Aldron had been held captive before, back in his early days as a mere Trainee on a camp that fell victim to an enemy ambush some ten years back. He knew just how to escape captivity through the captors, and knew just what to do after getting them to "think rationally." After all, Aldron bears the Aura of Persuasion, making him quite adept at swaying other people to believe whatever he said, whether or not it was true or reasonable. "He could convince a man to jump off a bridge in his name within a half-hour's time alone!" the townspeople would boast to those who doubted him. However, now was proving to be the ultimate test of his persuasion skills, as he now faced someone more aloof, more logical, more resistant than anyone he's ever faced in a war of words. Bluntly he spoke, hoping the sudden shift in tone would entice reaction, "Alright, Soldier. Let's cut the crap. I know you, Enma Mathers. Bottom of the family totem pole, bullied during primary, secondary, and tertiary schooling, denied therapy by several world-renowned psychologists, and you've watched the world burn before your very eyes on battlefields even most men couldn't stomach the thought of, let alone a small Talcai child only age 12. I understand going through life this tough with your level of cognizance may be hard, but trust me when I say-" 

     "This isn't the way to deal with it? Tying me up and doing weird stuff to you and myself doesn't show love?" Enma replied, taking the words right out of General Aldron's mouth. "How'd you-? No. Unnecessary question." Aldron started to ask before deeming it pointless to attempt prolonging the conversation. "Better yet, I'll see if I can get her to reflect on her actions that got us here by seeing if she can recount my previous day! If she shows even a little guilt, I know just what to do from there!" Aldron thought to himself before asking Enma to explain how he'd gotten there. "Oh, the way you got here? Simple. All those mandatory gatherings where I'd just enjoy a solitary piece of bread and wait silently in the corner where none dared step gave me something I've found myself to have an abundance of- time. Time to think, time to reflect, and time to observe. Thus I observed, and there you were- just two short social cues from taking a casual sip of your drink! I rushed through the shadows as fast as possible to reach you, brushing into a rather showy individual as to have his reaction catch your attention for long enough to slip a powdered hallucinogen mushroom into your wine. All I had to do then was retire to the corner after taking on more piece of bread, and wait for your social cues to match the other person I drugged- Timothy, the tall, lanky one who's always trying to impress his girlfriend.  I know you know him, you spent an hour explaining terminal illness to him after his diagnosis!" Enma began, leaning back on the table with even less mind to the papers, her tail swaying up and down in an attention-grabbing manner. 

    "She's trying to deter my train of thought by catching my affixed peripheral vision! I can't let that happen! One screw-up and no more exposition!" Aldron thought to himself as he tried visibly harder to focus on listening as well as planning his next move. " Anyway, I noticed that after the party dispersed, you made a cruelly futile attempt to find an exit to your precious home. Thus, I took advantage of your situation to dress myself in the robes of a blacked-out woman with proportions quite similar to my own...and grab you from behind. To caress your sculpted chest, to clasp your hands with my own, to feel your horrible attempts at finding your placement, your heartbeat, every solitary breath, all of them equally beautiful and tender experiences. I felt my own body...it couldn't compare to yours. My typical slump and poor stature couldn't compare to your powerful, commanding stature- one that intimidates and infuses all who see it with fear and respect...all but myself. My breaths are all equal, each one no better than any other. Your breaths, however... each one transcended each other. They all were superior. I want you- not just your body, but you. I want you. I need you. So I overpowered your body with my Aura of Passion and dragged you to your private abode, the cottage in the exact center of an empty plain where no vegetation but bluegrass and cattails grow. The place you thought no one but you knew of. And here I've spent the past four hours dressing and undressing you to the core, touching and feeling until I couldn't resist, feeling your breaths on my body, and feeling your blood in my mouth. Where did you think that cut on your right hand came from?" Enma continued, sitting up on the front of the table to stare up and down at Aldron, who was now more afraid than ever in his life.

     "Enma. Not once in my life did the thought run through my head that you'd be the one to make me feel so... so filthy, so...defiled....It frankly scares me. At first, I was afraid you were going to do bad things to me while I was awake, things a man can experience at will and enjoy if required. But you, Enma... You defy expectation. To take advantage of a man while he has no method of fighting back is a crime against all who've ever fought to save the same fate from befalling us as a people!" Aldron declared, now enraged and fearful simultaneously. "Don't you say it, General. I'm warning you this ONE, SOLITARY time. Don't. Do it." Enma growled through gritted teeth, her grip on the dagger now tightening. "Don't you care about people, Enma? Don't you care what happens to them? Does what we've gone through not matter to you at ALL?!" Aldron spat with rage beyond logical control, a concept new to even himself. "NAIL. NAILNAILNAILNAILNAIL! Nails in the coffin, General! That's ALL your words were! "Care"?! "People?!" You think I CARE?! Better yet... what astonishes me most... is how you think I'm still a person." Enma laughed maniacally, throwing an assortment of random daggers from Aldron's drawer at him, every one striking a different body part. He screamed in pain for a solid second before Enma hopped off of the desk and knelt down in front of Aldron, stuffing his mouth with her tail, which she'd just wiped her bloody hands onto seconds prior. "Shhhh...No screams...only nightmares now. We'll continue this tomorrow night." Enma whispered as she forced her tail down Aldron's esophagus, suffocating him slowly.All the while, Enma used one last dagger she hadn't thrown yet to cut both of her wrists down to the bone, dripping the blood onto Aldron's face as she recited an incantation to cover up the muffled screams of her General.


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Sun May 29, 2016 10:15 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



Hello! Thought I'd take a look at this as you suggested team-mate :)

Specifics

1.

"Now, now, darling, it's quite the woeful sight to watch you struggle at those chains so adamantly. It hurts to watch- really it does- so be a dear and please stop. You know that even at maximum strength, you can't break them." [This should be a comma instead of a full stop because it's follow by a dialogue tag.] Enma whispered into Aldron's large, furry white ears, the pure bad intent reverberating throughout their inner pinkness.


2.
Enma simply giggled and began to twirl a small dagger around her hands, testing its undeniable sharpness on her them, [I think this is the wrong word but I'm not sure what it's meant to be.] squeezing them so the blood would drip past her fur and onto the floor, or other parts of her long, blue leg plates, the only armor she appeared to be wearing other than her set of about three spiked collars, the spikes of which all bore some red stains not requiring explanation, according to Enma.
The sentence is a bit long so I removed a few small parts which I think are a little awkwardly phrased.

3.
All I had to do then was retire to the corner after taking one more piece of bread, and wait for your social cues to match the other person I drugged- Timothy, the tall, lanky one who's always trying to impress his girlfriend.


4. Try to avoid using full caps to show when characters are shouting, let your writing do the work instead. It looks a lot less messy and is actually more powerful when you get it right.

Overall

I think you need to break those big blocks of text up a bit by putting every new line of dialogue onto another line. It will make this easier to read.

On the content side, this starts off very exciting with the main character captured and bandying words for his life and I think there's a good back and forth. However, it starts to lose it's charm toward the end of the chapter and as the dialogue gets more heated, it's not as interesting or as easy to follow. The plot gets a bit too weird for me and not in a horror way. It's more kind of freaky, especially when Enma suffocates the general by putting her tail in his mouth and all the talk of how she wants to feel him and feel her blood. It's a little bit too odd for me!

I think you've built the general into an interesting character though and his thought pattern gives a good insight into who he is. Sometimes you tell us a few too many things, like you wrote a bit too much about how persuasive he can be, but it's good to be able to get into the head of the main character.

All the best with this!

~Heather




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Sun May 29, 2016 10:04 pm
Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Yams here for a review!

"Now, now, darling, it's quite the woeful sight to watch you struggle at those chains so adamantly. It hurts to watch- really it does- so be a dear and please stop. You know that even at maximum strength, you can't break them." Enma whispered into Aldron's large, furry white ears, the pure bad intent reverberating throughout their inner pinkness.


The name Enma seems kind of odd to me, did you make it up or is it an actual name? Does it have some sort of meaning to it I don't know?

Also, Enma feels like a cliche seductive character. No one actually talks this way, and I don't think they would even in fantasy. Tip: Most people don't use "woeful" or "adamantly" in their vocabulary. And if you think it makes her sound smart or more devilish, it just makes it sound more unrealistic in my own opinion.

This whole thing could be chopped into smaller paragraphs. The paragraphs are long and hard on the eyes which could be easily fixed by chopping the paragraphs into smaller ones as they are quite large.

" I should've gotten rid of her when I had the chance. I should've sent her home, I should've reported her to the authorities, I should've...Darn it! Why should I, the mighty Turquoise Halbengeor, have reason to fear a simple Talcai?! Why must she emit such a passionate and loving aura...especially when her heart's intent is so far from it?!"


Is your character afraid to curse instead of saying just "Darn it!". It seems really stupid to have them say that as any adult would probably curse instead. No one really says "Darn it!" anymore.

The "the mighty Turquoise Halbengeor" thing is really ridiculous and I'm kind of hoping you're purposely making it sound dramatic. The whole thought thing is dramatic and kind of feels like it's from an anime, and that, usually also sounds stupid and doesn't work too well in text either.

The character Enma feels like just another cardboard cut-out of a character that is apart of the "crazy seductive woman" archetype and doesn't really hold anything new and doesn't feel like an actual character.

That's the problem with this, they don't feel like actual characters. They feel like anime archetype cardboard cut-outs with really ridiculous names. They don't have real motivations or real emotions. There's more to a character than just, "I like to kill things muahahahaha". Nobody is completely evil and no one is completely good. Everyone is a mix of black and white. Humans are grey, they do good things and bad things.

There is a lot of overuse of "?!" and talking inside the head in this chapter. It could be cut down as there are other ways to get across that some one is shouting or angry or confused.

That's all I have to say, or all I can manage for now.




SacredPen says...


Thanks for the review! Everything you said is true, and I was waiting for someone to say that, as I wrote this three years ago in a notebook of mine and needed to see if anyone else was as suspicious as myself. thanks for the help! I'll revise it and upload a second draft after Review Day!




Don't turn them loose, Jack.
— David Letterman