I laid still in bed as my husband walked into my room, I slowed my breathing and moved my eyes around beneath my eyelids, I had done this a thousand times. He gently touched my shoulder, shaking my gently, I stayed still. The pills he forced me to take were supposed to keep me asleep, if he knew I was awake, he would know I wasn’t taking the pills, he would be mad. He finally sighed and left my room muttering nonsense beneath his breath.
After a while, my husband finally fell asleep himself, I crawled out of my bed, holding my breath, careful not to make a sound. I crept to my desk and used the small screwdriver I kept next to it to pry open my desk drawer. My hands shook as I pulled my journal out. I started writing, it was the only place I could write my actual thoughts, not the happy good thoughts I was forced to have, my real thoughts; the ones about how I hated my husband, and the government, how every night I prayed that the president would die, how I hated the world I lived in.
For 6 years, we had had the same president. He got rid of the bill saying he could only serve for 4 years, he kept his power, until he died, he was in control.
I finished writing all my thoughts down. I put my journal back into the drawer, I lock it shut and slide the screwdriver back under my desk in the little whole a cut out for it. I tiptoed back to my bed and laid down, and eventually fell asleep.
In the morning my husbands voice boomed through the house, “Marian!” he screamed, “Wake up! I want breakfast!”
‘Fucking man child’ I thought.
I crawled out of bed, and walked to the kitchen still in my bonnet and nightgown. I forced myself to smile as I saw him, “Good morning dear.” I said with a happy tone.
He rolled his eyes, “Whatever, just make me some breakfast.”
I nod and pull a frying pan from the cupboard, I turn on the stove, the smell of gas wafted through the air making me cough.
“Shut up! I’m trying to watch the news!” My husband yelled from the couch.
I held my breath until the gas smell is blown away, I put the last two eggs in our fridge onto the frying pan. The smell they gave off was much better than the gas, it made me hungry but I knew if I ate some my husband would be mad, so I held my nose as I cooked.
I walked into the living room holding the plate with the two eggs, I place it in my husband’s hands, he looked down and his brows furrowed, “There’s only two.”
“It’s all we had.” I said
“Go to the store and get some more, and milk, and whatever else we don’t have.”
“Okay.”
I walked to my room and got dressed, a long modest dress. It wasn’t how I had dressed before, I had worn shorts or skirts, crop tops and tank tops, but if I wore something like that I would be punished. I finished dressing myself and went back to the kitchen, I looked in the fridge to see what we still had, I grabbed a sticky note and jotted down all the items we needed, milk, eggs, garlic, frozen pizzas.
I walked out the front door and started my walk to the market. The market was 4 blocks away. I arrived at the market and walked down the isles searching for the items. I placed eggs in my basket, I continued walking, I placed a gallon of milk into my basket, then I found the other items. I paid for the items and walked home. I had been gone for 30 minutes at least, that was enough time for my husband to search my room. When I stepped into the house I could tell something was wrong, the atmosphere shifted. My husband stood in the hallway holding my journal. He stepped to me and raised his hand, and something in me snapped. I reached into my bag and bashed his face with the milk carton, blood trickled from his nose and he stumbled back, I took the opportunity to run. I ran out the front door, my husband chased after me, but he couldn’t keep up, there was so much adrenaline pumping through my veins, I ran faster than I had ever ran before.
After running for what felt like forever, I collapsed by a tree. I breathed heavily and lifted my dress, I tore the bottom off and tied it around my face to hide my identity. I stood up slowly and began walking, not sure where I was going, but I needed to get out of here, then, a voice.
“Hey! Lady!” A male voice yelled after me.
I started running, if I was caught I could be killed. I ran, but this time I wasn’t fast enough, the man caught up to me and grabbed me, I couldn’t escape, I was terrified until he spoke again.
“Marian, it’s okay, I won’t hurt you.”
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138,680 Literary Works • 672,231 Reviews
Hi! Second review here!
This is a really interesting piece! I'm actually hooked. It kind of gives dystopian vibes a little bit? I love the strong female MC. It gets you hooked very quickly, I'm actually in love with this. Especially the ending sentence, it leaves you wanting to read more. Then again that's the point of a cliffhanger. You did very well! The only thing I noticed was "isles" instead of "aisles". I make this mistake all the time, you just have to remember aisles (with an a) is the passageways between rows of shelves, like in a grocery store, and isles stands for islands.
Since this is short, and a teaser, it leaves you with lots of questions. Which is a good thing for a teaser, but not for the general chapter. I'm sure you're planning on filling in those holes later on so this is just a little tip just in case.
Overall, this is a unique idea I haven't seen before and I know this will get some decent traction. Your writing style is perfect. It gives you just enough detail to be able to picture the setting and feel the emotions of the characters.
One small idea is whoever the character at the end is, turns out to be an old flame, or childhood friend. Maybe even former rival? I can totally see a enemies to lovers trope fitting perfectly into this. Or, just spitballing here, character development with the husband, creating a love triangle with this mystery man at the end.
This has lots of room to build on the story and I can't picture this story going to waste, lots of potential for sure.
Great job so far, good luck and happy writing!
Sincerely, gg <3
(ps. Sorry for the rambling I just love this story so far!)
hhihi here for an amazing totally not badly formatted review!!!!
OKAY so first of all, I’m losing my mind over this. Like actually. I’m sitting here kicking my feet and yapping because this story is so good and it came from your bestie which makes it even better. I don’t even know where to start because my brain is just screaming “YES” over and over. But I’m gonna try to be normal and give you the full 2000 word style breakdown because you deserve it and I’m energized now.
So let’s talk about the vibe. This story is intense. It’s heavy. It’s terrifying in a quiet way, like the kind of fear that builds slowly and sits in your chest. The way it opens with Marian pretending to be asleep? That’s already giving me chills. Like she’s trained herself to fake sleep just to survive. That’s not just sad, that’s horrifying. And the fact that she’s doing it because of the pills her husband forces on her? I was already hooked. I was like, “Oh we’re in it now.”
The pacing is so good. It doesn’t rush anything. It lets you sit in the tension. You feel every breath she holds, every step she takes, every second she’s trying not to get caught. And when she finally gets to her journal? That moment felt sacred. Like this is the only place she can be real. And the way she writes about hating her husband, the government, the president, all of it—it’s raw. It’s not trying to be poetic. It’s just honest. And I love that.
Also the detail about the screwdriver hiding spot? Genius. That’s such a small thing but it says so much. Like she’s been doing this for a while. She’s careful. She’s smart. She’s surviving in silence and that’s heartbreaking but also kind of powerful.
Then we get to the morning scene and I swear I wanted to throw something. Her husband yelling for breakfast like she’s his servant? Ew. And her internal reaction “fucking man child” was so real (sort of reminds me of sabrina carpenter ToT). I was like YES Marian, drag him. But then she has to smile and pretend everything’s fine and that contrast is so painful. She’s trapped and she knows it and she’s just trying to make it through the day.
The gas stove moment? That was scary. Like she’s coughing and he’s yelling at her and she’s just trying to cook without dying. And the eggs. The last two eggs. She gives them to him even though she’s hungry and I was like, “Girl you deserve better.” And then he complains. Of course he does. And sends her to the store like she’s his personal assistant. I was so mad.
And then the outfit change? That hit hard. The way she used to dress how she wanted and now she wears modest clothes to avoid punishment? That’s such a quiet kind of violence. It’s not just about control, it’s about erasing who she used to be. And she knows it. She remembers it. And that makes it even sadder.
The market scene was so normal and that made it scarier. Like she’s just doing regular stuff, buying groceries, but the whole time you know something’s about to go wrong. And when she gets home and sees her husband holding the journal? My heart dropped. I was like, “Oh no. It’s happening.”
And then it DID happen. The milk carton moment was Iconic. I don’t care what anyone says, that was the most satisfying thing ever. She snapped. She fought back. She didn’t freeze or beg or cry but she acted. And it was messy and desperate and perfect. And then she ran. And I was literally cheering her on in my head like GO GO GO.
The chase scene was so intense. You could feel the adrenaline. You could feel her panic. And when she collapsed by the tree? That was such a real moment. Like she’s not a superhero, she’s just a person who’s been pushed too far. And the way she tore her dress to hide her identity? Smart. Resourceful. She’s surviving again.
And then the voice. The man chasing her. I was so scared. I was like Oh no not another one. But then he says her name. And says he won’t hurt her. And I was like WAIT. Who is this? Is he someone from her past? Is he part of a resistance? Is he just a random kind soul? I NEED TO KNOW.
Also the writing style? So good. It’s not trying to be fancy. It’s just real. It sounds like someone telling you their story late at night when they’re tired and scared and just need someone to listen. And that makes it hit harder. It’s not polished and perfect it’s raw and emotional and honest. And that’s what makes it powerful.
And the fact that this came from your bestie? That makes it even more special. Like you can feel the care in the writing. You can feel the emotion behind it. It’s not just a story, it’s a piece of someone’s heart. And I love that.
Also I’m obsessed with Marian. She’s not just a victim. She’s a fighter. She’s smart and quiet and strong in a way that doesn’t scream
it simmers. And when she finally breaks? It’s not pretty. It’s not cinematic. It’s real. And that’s what makes her so compelling.
I could go on forever but I’m trying to keep this readable. Just know I’m fully invested. I want more. I want to know who the man is. I want to know where Marian goes. I want to know if she finds safety or if she burns the whole system down. I want to see her win.
This story is everything. It’s emotional and scary and empowering and sad and hopeful all at once. And it’s written in a way that feels like someone whispering their truth to you. I’m obsessed. I’m yapping. I’m emotionally wrecked. And I’m so glad you shared it.
HEHHE so yeah I love this. PlEaSe wRiTe MoRe (cough cough chap 8...)
Love,
Hop
If I wasn't in class right now, I would have audibly gasped at that ending. The last line is genius, it makes the reader addicted to the story and want more. I love the world building, it helps us understand why the main character is doing the things that she's doing. There were a couple grammatical things that weren't correct, as long with some dialogue that I think sounded off (but that could also just be my own personal opinion, so take it with a grain of salt). Overall, this is AMAZING and you should definitely continue your writing, I am very intrigued!
Hi!!! So far, this is a great teaser to another part! I found that the ending quipped my curiosity, especially due to how ambiguous the line is. It could be from her husband, and perhaps this sudden, softer approach towards her is another abusive tactic of his. Or, it could be another person quite familiar with this narrator! Regardless of the time period of this story, the abuse this woman faces is extreme while not being written in a way solely to shock the audience. This story does nicely in humanizing her while also exploring her as a victim to her husband's abuse. She's more than just a woman facing this extreme control from her husband; she's angry, she's sneaky, she is smart in avoiding or defending herself from her husband's control at times, and despite those traits she continues to be in this marriage (similarly to some cases of abuse).
Within the great qualities of this piece, I also have some criticisms. There is an ongoing pattern of constant commas, to the point that many sentences reads as awkward, which does interrupts the experience of reading this piece. I would say many commas here could benefit from having a period, or even a semi-colon or em dash.
The first-person perspective is a great way to build this connection between the audience and the character. Though, I feel the execution of this perspective could be done more better. This intimacy in this perspective provides more opportunities to expand and extend this woman's feelings and senses for the sake of humanizing her more to us. Alongside that, the sentences relying on using "I" first creates this stiffness throughout the story. The variety in sentence structures could uplift this story. The stiffness is also even more prominent due to the perspective being used as a way to tell actions—it's "I did this" "I had this", instead of expanding more on her feelings and senses while also describing her actions and what she had.
This quote here does not do well when creating the dramatic turn of her husband finding out here journal. It would be more impactful for the line "that was enough time for my husband to search my room." to be treated as a revelation more than information for the reader, or that line could be just erased completely.
Regardless of my concerns, this story is decent!! This is an interesting concept, and the ending's suspense is really great. Keep writing!!
Hi! To help us become besties, I wanted to leave a comment. Maybe a review later, but for now, just a comment
I think this is really well done. The husband seems bossy and full of complains at first. The lady is nice and obedient, and I love how she vents her thoughts to her journal. When she discovered that her husband found out about the journal thing, she got terrified of him and literally killed his face, then ran. I found that part interesting. Just be careful of punctuation, there are some grammar errors. I recommend reading it over maybe. I really want to know what happened after the husband caught her, or was it another man that caught her? It is overall SO GOOD. WRITE A SEQUEL LIKE SERIOUSLY. I'm really interested in this and you left me on a CliFfHaNgEr. Not that I don't like it, just so excited for more! Happy Writing, STARRYY!!!
Love,
CATS