The day I got that call from my dad, telling me you died, I thought it was a joke, but it wasn't, you are dead. The day I got that call my best friend held me as I sobbed, she didn't know what had happened though, I couldn't speak. You were biking with your friends, and the car didn't stop, you and that boy died that day. It feels like so much time has passed but it's only been a year. I went to your funeral; all our old friends were there back from when we were all close. You had affected so many people in your life, but you can't anymore. I saw your father, the man who was always smiling, and for the first time, I saw him break down. seeing your parents made me feel bad about feeling sad, sure, I had lost a friend, but they, they lost a daughter. Many people spoke at your funeral, but your father didn't, he didn't utter a word the entire service, all he did was cried. I still remember, being at church while they spoke about dying at a young age, and breaking down, thinking about how I could keep aging, and you were eternly 14.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
You have a beautiful way of expressing a very difficult experience. The piece is so raw and honest, and you've captured the feeling of grief perfectly—how it's both a deeply personal pain and a shared one.
The contrast between your own sadness and the profound loss of her parents is incredibly powerful. The line about her being "eternally 14" is particularly haunting and a perfect way to convey the injustice of the situation.
ohh this is so beautifully narrated !! I loved it.....
and i wish you all the best for your writings ...keep going ..your doing good
You have a beautiful way of expressing a very difficult experience. The piece is so raw and honest, and you've captured the feeling of grief perfectly—how it's both a deeply personal pain and a shared one.
The contrast between your own sadness and the profound loss of her parents is incredibly powerful. The line about her being "eternally 14" is particularly haunting and a perfect way to convey the injustice of the situation.
ohh this is so beautifully narrated !! I loved it.....
and i wish you all the best for your writings ...keep going ..your doing good
oh wow okay. I genuinely got the chills holy woah!
truly amazing how something so simple can be so devastatingly beautiful. I am so sorry this is a true story, it is a wonder you can write something so raw I'd just cry to be honest. This it really good!
-🖋️🌸✨
Hi Starryy! Firstly, I'm very sorry to see that this is a true story. That must have been so difficult for you, and perhaps also difficult to write about, so I hope that doing so did bring you some comfort. I know that sometimes we write for ourselves, just to let something out or try to understand something, and sometimes we write for other people to read. Since you've posted it here, I'll review as if this is written for people to read, as I have a couple of ideas for how you could make this really emotional and honest piece even better.
Firstly, a small thing, there is a little repetition and I think it would be more powerful if this was removed. For example, in the first sentence, you don't really need to say the last bit as we already know it. So it would be more impactful if the sentence ended after the word "joke" - you don't need more than this. The second sentence, I can really see and understand being so upset that it's impossible to get the words out to say why. I wonder if there are any details you can add that would further help to show the reader the scene. For example, where are you when you get the call, what do you say on the phone, what does your best friend say to you, that sort of thing. You could do this throughout, just giving details of the scenes so you are showing rather than telling.
I also notice that the piece is written directed at the person who died - saying "you", rather than "she". I wonder if a reader may feel more connected to the piece if you wrote it about, rather than to, the person, so that you are letting the reader in, rather than the reader observing a conversation between you and someone they don't know, if that makes sense.
Finally, I think there are a few specific things you can hone in on that would help give the piece a really solid angle. For example, you could focus on them being eternally 14 (which is a really powerful and emotive image to end on, so well done). What would you do as you get older that they wouldn't, what are your memories of them at that age that you will take with you through your life, and so on. Or since the piece is called "The car didn't stop", is there more you would want to say about that? These are just ideas for either expanding this piece or writing about the same topic in another way that only focuses on one particular aspect, to give a piece a really specific focus. Also, you say it's been a year - perhaps you could expand on why you are talking about or writing about it now in particular, or what has happened over the year and how that relates to the story you are telling.
This is a really well-written, heartfelt story, and I appreciate you being so open and sharing it with us. If you do work on it further, I'd just say do practise self-care and keep an eye on how you are feeling, and stop for a break if it gets too much writing about something so emotional. Look after yourself and really well done with this story.
Thanks for the review!
Hello, my amazing bestie. I am here to review your lovely work because if you may know, it is reviewing month, and this is the only period when I get reviews done. So, without being said, I shall review this wonderful work. Now, like I say at the beginning of any review, please give me some grace, for I am not particularly good at reviewing. Now, without further ado, here is my review. (Hey, that rhymes. Okay I'll stop yapping.)
This short story is honestly heartbreaking. I had to stop myself from crying while reading this. I wish I couldn't relate to when you get that phone call and yet, I do. It doesn't feel real. Like it's some sort of sick April fools. But it's not April. When you hear those words, the words no one wants to here, the room suddenly goes a little quieter. The world kind of stops. And so do your words.
To go to someone's funeral, let alone one of your closest friends, is heart shattering. I am so sorry that you had to go through this, it wasn't fair. It's not fair. And to see someone's father, a person who has never showed a single drop of sadness on his face, crying? That has got to feel like a gut punch.
I wish I could put into words how touching this is. So much vulnerability in this, it is actually insane how you can find words to express this. You did an amazing job on this artwork and I'm so sorry that this happened to her and you. You are a wonderful person. Please never forget that. Call me whenever you want.
Love,
Your bestie,
Hop
thank you hop! love you!
Love you toooo!
Wow, very raw.
Technically, that should be were, not are.Well, welcome to the site.
Well, I'll jump right in.
Y'know, I don't normally like crazy emotion fests - I often think they can be an inexperienced writer's way of covering up lack of actual finesse - but I enjoyed this. I liked almost how understated it was. It felt so real, and almost numb.
Into some specifics!
A small note, I won't point out every instance, but you often used commas when you should be using periods to make separate sentences - don't worry, I'm a comma overuser too, but I would advise keeping a close eye on that.
My favourite line of the story, understated, simple, but clear. Real. Interesting.
I might break this into multiple sentences (a small note - eternally, not eternly) to really drive home these ideas, but I think it was powerful.
Overall, if this is actually a true story, I'm sorry. That sounds really hard. I pray you will be healed. Either way, you've done a wonderful job capturing that pain.
I would advise continuing to write like this - not overdoing emotion - making it real and poignant. Do not be tempted that more is always better - it often isn't.
But that's just my two cents! I hope it helped.
Thanks and keep writing,
Andrew
Thank you so much!
Aww, so emotional! I love it! It's like memories were flooding through me, even though I never experienced it! It's a real story? Is it about you and your friend? It's so sweet and cute and good and dramatic and sad and...okay I should stop now
I think it is reallly good, and I think you should keep writing too! You're friends with TheHoplessRomantic, right? Nice! I love your work and keep going!
Happy Writing!
From a friend on YWS,
CATS
Thank you so much!!