When you're a vampire...
You can't work in a hospital; the smell of human blood will send you up the wall, and you can't get a drop! It's impossible to watch a poor human dying on a bed, when one bite will help them forever live!
You can't shop in a store without being stared at by little children. They point at your pale skin, and laugh at your accent (because they say it's 'old'). And when their parents see you, they try to get away as quickly as possible.
You can't find a good mate, because they're all scared of vampires (except for those select few, but they tend to be stalkers), and even if they weren't, they'd die anyway. You could turn them into a vampire, but human blood...
You can't hunt humans. Blood is like that Hershey Chocolate that human pour onto their tongues, much like a vampire (like myself) would do with a glass of blood, but alas, we cannot. (We'd be deemed murders, and one might consider it rape, but how someone could label it that... I'm unsure. It happened to a friend of mine...).
But...
Since when did humans accept a different kind? We were human at one time, but decades (even centuries) tend to change your soul. It doesn't become a joke, you have to control your taste (which is very hard to do the first five years of being a vampire, I will assure).
~
But I like being a vampire. I like the stares I get (even if staring is rude) of curiosity. And the few humans who let you drink their blood (but with someone always around in the event you can't let go of their arm) are going to die... But you get to see the changes of the world...
One thing I have yet to discover how to use the new gadgets of the day, with the 'touch screen', I can't ever get it to work (that's what being cold does to you).
~
I hope this helps you understand me more m'dear.
Your's truly,
Your Great-Great-Great-(Not-so) Great, Great Aunty E.
P.S. If you ever want to be a vampire, I will gladly do it for you!
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello Rurouni!
Nice work! I like how you made it so that you could almost want the vampire to bite (if you were on a hospital bed about to die that is), I also like the last line, as if the vampire was just writing this to get another glass of fresh blood. It's kind of funny that she signed her name saying that she was old, but not so great. Wouldn't kids think your accent was cool though? Just wondering. I couldn't find any errors, so if there were any I'll bet that the other reviewers already pointed them out. See you around;
~Kelpies.
Actually, she was saying the person after her (The Not-So Great) was someone else, she's "Great" XD
Ah, XD
Hey, Rurouni! I'm here to review on this fine Review Day!
So I think you can fix that, but you can decide what to fix.
First of all, "murders" is a noun. To make it an adjective to describe you, you could make it "murderers". This nitpick also ticks me off, but you don't have to do it. I don't think you should put a space after an ellipsis. It just helps the look of your piece, in my opinion. I don't know what I have against it, I just do. And, the period after the parenthesis isn't needed. Since you already have a period before the first parenthesis, another after isn't necessary at all.
"(We'd be deemed murders, and one might consider it rape, but how someone could label it that... I'm unsure. It happened to a friend of mine...)."
Here, the phrase inside the parentheses is confusing. I don't get it, so you might want to play around with it a little, try to get it to make sense to people like me. And I figured out why spaces after ellipsis annoy me so much-the letter after them gets capitalized. And guess what? I don't think it's supposed to be.
"And the few humans who let you drink their blood (but with someone always around in the event you can't let go of their arm) are going to die... But you get to see the changes of the world..."
This sentence is a bit weird, so I'm going to fix it. I think you should put "is" before "how". Take out the comma after "screen" and make it a period, because a comma just won't work there. I also don't get how being cold makes you not work with touch-screen gadgets...anyways, put a comma after "more".
"One thing I have yet to discover how to use the new gadgets of the day, with the 'touch screen', I can't ever get it to work (that's what being cold does to you).
~
I hope this helps you understand me more m'dear."
I loved the ending, it was so humorous and funny. This piece overall was a great thing to read, so I hope you keep writing-I would love more!
-wisegirl22
Hi! I'm going to like, jump into it.
I like the concept of this story, but there are a few things that are a little confusing and have to do with the myth of vampires. There are several different versions of it. For example, some vampire stories say that the people who are bitten don't become vampires themselves, but DIE. that would make more sense, too. If they all lived forever, we would be overrun by vampires.
With the children thing, I don't think they would point at the pale skin. lots of people are pale. Red haired people are often very very pale. It isn't that big a deal. as for the accent, we need to establish what era your vampire is in. Because some vampires could be born in 2014, some could be born in 1014. But living for so long, you pick up on the language, the slang, that comes with each year, and you adapt to it.
The few humans that LET you drink their blood? why would they do that?! you have to go into it more so I can be less confused as to why they wouldn't mind having all their lifeblood sucked out of them.
Touch screens...i think touch screens would work even with cold fingers. but I wouldn't know.
that's what I have to say, bye!
Hello, Rurouni. Margo here for a review. I think this is an original twist on the ever growing popularity for vampire literature. It's whimsical...yet dark. Two perfect adjectives.
Seeing as you've ended this letter with a salutation, I think it's only fitting that you begin with "Dear Junior" or whomever Aunty E is writing to. You also need to add a reason for Aunty E writing to whomever it is she's writing. Perhaps her nephew secretly supplies her with blood because he works as a phlebotomist (someone who takes blood). It would make sense for you to add this motive because it would tie into the whole 'woe is me, I'm a vampire' content.
Quick typo I found:
Human should be plural here.
Reword this sentence:
When you put information in parentheses, you are acknowledging that it is extra information. If I were to remove the information in your parentheses, your remaining sentence doesn't quite sound right. "I like the stares I get of curiosity." Sometimes it's better to opt out of using parentheses and simply creating one or two sentences. Try: I know staring is considered rude, but I like the curious stares I get. Or: Though staring is rude, I welcome the occassional curious glance.
I think Aunty E should state she's a vampire from the get go.
This is the sentence where the reader learns Aunty E is a vampire. You mentioned it in paretheses as though it was extra info. Try reworking the beginning of this so the reader gets a clearer indication that Aunty E is a vampire and is writing from experience.
For example your opening sentence after Dear_____, could be something like:
Sometimes being a vampire really sucks! No really, the other day I sucked an entire blood bank dry!
I hope my suggestions helped. I love this idea you've come up with. Be sure to keep those imaginative juices flowing! And always remember: a good work is never done.
Keep writing,
MS
I like this! It's cute
Nice job!