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Tiko

by RossiRainCloud


Far away in a land full of magical animals and beings was a village. Though it was small, there were a lot of people. One was named Tiko. Tiko was a 14 year old boy, living with his mom, aunt and uncle and older brother. Tiko’s brother was 17 and his name was Nolen. Tiko had brown hair and green eyes and his brother Nolen had brown hair and brown eyes. They both looked like their father, who sadly died when Tiko was just eight. Tiko and his brother Nolen loved their lives and their village on Faraway Island

One blissful, windy afternoon, the boys were playing outside. They were playing this fun game they had made up called ball run. Ball run is where one person kicks the ball as far as they can, and then they try to keep up with it. The first person to kick it back in the rock goal they made is the winner. Nolen always won, but Tiko kept trying. Then it was Tiko’s turn to kick the ball. Tiko pulled back his foot, then kicked it and the ball went flying!

Nolen ran over to get it, but it fell in the lake by the village. Nolen immediately stopped as it rolled into the water.

“Sorry Nolen, I will get it!” Yelled Tiko from way behind. So he ran over to get the ball while Nolen started pacing back and forth behind Tiko as Tiko kneeled down to the water to get the ball. The water was very clear. So clear that right before he grabbed the ball, he saw a flash of pink in the water. Tiko squinted and keeled closer to the water. Then two green eyes came up from the water as well as a pink tail. it was a Goblin Mermaid. It reached over to grab Tiko. Tiko quickly stumbled up and ran to his house. “RUN, NOLEN!!” Tiko screamed.

Nolen looked at Tiko as he was running, then Nolen looked behind him self and saw the Mermaid. he screamed so loud I think Australia could hear him. The ball had gone under water as well as the mermaid.

“Mom we just saw a Goblin mermaid in the lake! And it almost bit my face clean off!” Tiko yelled.

“Its true mom, I was there!” said Nolen.

“well you two had better be careful, those things eat people.” said their mom, Mishta.

“I am just glad you two are safe!” wept their aunt.

“yeah, we are fine, it just startled me, that’s all.” said Tiko. The rest of the day Tiko and Nolen were making a new ball.

“Hey, Tiko. come on we need to get some more supplies for the ball.” said Nolen. “Hey, ma, we are going to go to the market place to get some more supplies, okay?”

“That’s fine, honey, just be careful. Take this. It’s a small knife, big enough to hurt someone or something, and small enough to hide, because as you might know, it’s sun down and things can be more deadly.” said Mishta. So Nolen went out the door with Tiko and his knife in his boot.

“Okay, Tiko, stay close, mama said that things are mean at this time.”

“Okay.”

so they walked to the market and Nolen stopped, so fast he stopped that Tiko ran right into him.

“NOLEN!!” yelled Tiko.

“SHHHHH!!!” said Nolen.

Tiko looked over at the fruit place and then he saw what Nolen was looking at. It was this nice girl named Sarah. She had light brown hair and hazel eyes. Tiko thought she was kind of pretty too, but he knew they had a job to do.“Come on lover boy we need to go now…Nolen!” Nolen just stood there like a dead rock, Tiko thought.

Tiko stomped over to a tree nearby and climbed up then after about seven minutes Tiko came back down but with a BIG stick.

Nolen was still there standing like he had all day.

Tiko got behind him, took a few seconds, then banged him in the back of the head.

“OW!” screamed Nolen.

Sarah finally looked over, and saw that Nolen who she did not even knoe yet was yelling and was on the ground telling a little boy Tiko who she also did not know, that he was gonna kill him?!

“TIKO!!!”

“WHAT! WE HAVE SOMETHING TO DO!!!!!”

“But Tiko lesson, if you like a girl at my age it is normal to stand in the middle like you are completely stone!”

“fin you can stay here and look stupid witch should not be to hard for you, wile I go and do something! To help!” Then Tiko stomped off, Nolen turned around to look at Sarah but she was gone.

“Fin…Tiko wait up!”


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42 Reviews


Points: 106
Reviews: 42

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Tue Jun 27, 2017 11:25 pm
Corvus wrote a review...



hi, I am not a good reviewer, but you followed me so I guess I will help you.

the first paragraph seems like an info dump. if this is that style of the story then it doesn't matter.

"Nolen just stood there like a dead rock, Tiko thought." this seems to be a statement, not a thought.

"They were playing this fun game they had made up called ball run. Ball run is where one person kicks the ball as far as they can, and then they try to keep up with it. The first person to kick it back in the rock goal they made is the winner." That is a lot of description for what is pretty much modified soccer.

I can't wait to read more! bye!






yes sorry, this was one of my more ugly works, this was one of my first so its not the best but thank you for reviewing it :D
btw, I love your profile picture, its so cute!



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13 Reviews


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Reviews: 13

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Thu Oct 27, 2016 4:28 pm
SmokeScreen wrote a review...



hello banana.
okay so I am going to pute your negative stuff on the top right here then on the bottom will be like what I really liked about it,
starting easy with the first sentence, Fare away in a land full of magical animals and being lived a village?
okay sorry but villages don't live, lol I am just messing, well maybe instead you could put
There sat a Village you no.
Um...next the grammar was not to good like when you said Tiko kneeled I think the proper turm would be he knelt or something like that.
and mainly just like what Radiant and Payds and Ashley said,


what I liked about it was how Nolen and Tiko seemed to have a good boned and that they are a lot the real life brothers though the game the made up sounds a lot like soccer its okay and I cant wait to reed more :)




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58 Reviews


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Reviews: 58

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Thu Oct 27, 2016 4:18 pm
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JuliasSneezer wrote a review...



*Drops from ceiling* Good day! Sneezy here, just Roman' around to drop an interview!

First and foremost, hey, sis. XD

Second and secondmost, let's get to this review.

Alrighty. So the first thing I noticed, is that at the beginning, you say that there "Lived a village". The only problem is: Villages aren't alive. They're inanimate objects, so they can't exactly live, can they? That's just a teensy-weensy nitpick, though, so you definitely don't have to take it seriously.

The second thing I noticed is that you sort of just jumped right into the story with describing the characters. This is perfectly fine, but it doesn't really capture our attention. You also forgot to say where they were outside. I get that they're in the village, but WHERE in the village? Outside of a shabby hut? A large shack on the outside of the village? It also wouldn't hurt to describe the scene a bit as well. I say all this together, because there's an easy way to tie it all together. Take this short example:

"Tiko was playing outside with his brother, Nolan. The bright sun shone down upon the green grass of his village as they played along the outside of their small hut in the middle of the village. Tiko, a rather excitable boy with brown hair and green eyes, kicked a ball as far as it would go to Nolan, who had brown hair and brown eyes."

I like how you introduced your story with the boys playing outside. However, I think this would be an excellent time to establish the relationship between the two of them before jumping right in to the story. I say this because we don't really know much about the two, except they're brothers. I get that you're going to introduce us a bit more as time goes on, but this is a fabulous opportunity here. :D

I like how you introduced a girl. Especially a potential lady-friend for Nolan. *Plays romantic music* Anyhow, that's not the point. The point is, I think that you should pull her in, because her character seems rather interesting so far.

I'm going to quit my ramblings so you can get back to writing this fabulous story, so... yeah.

There are a couple logical flaws in here, but you can fix those right up whenever you come back to edit your story. If you want, we can talk about it later. If you could please lemme' know whenever you add another chapter? :D

Don't stop believin',
-Sneezy




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77 Reviews


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Reviews: 77

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Thu Oct 27, 2016 4:14 pm
RadiantShadow wrote a review...



Hey there :D

So I am going to tackle this review as a short story since it has no previous works, however, I will be keeping in mind that this is just a chapter hence the comments I will be making are on the structure, grammar, plot line and sequence.

1) Let me begin with grammar.

Far away in a land full of magical animals and beings lived a village

A village is a collective term for a place, it is inanimate hence the verb 'lived' does not fit as it is not a living creature. The word you are looking for is 'lies'
Also, be careful re read your work and edit. There are some mistakes that can be easily arranged, such as the no capitalization when starting new sentences.

2) Structure and Sequence.

The first two paragraphs are not really cohesive. Let me explain : the way in which you wrote them is like having several separate sentences and points and you made them one after each other. You should try making them a bit more streamed. This can be done by joining some of the sentences like so, " Though it was small, there were a lot of people. One was named Tiko, a 14 year old boy, living with his mom, aunt and uncle along with his seventeen year old brother, Nolen." Do you see how I joined the sentences to make one flowing line.

As for the sequence of events, they where played out quite well and very accurately told.

3 ) plot line

I think the plot is coming out really well and I look forward to reading the next chapter :D
Try adding more elements to the story such as give some background to the characters to make them more interesting :D

Keep up the good work!
~RS




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Thu Oct 27, 2016 4:00 pm
OreosAreLife wrote a review...



Hey OrangeBanana it's AshleyDashley here for a review!
I like this story but there are a lot of spelling mistakes and grammar errors. You should proofread your work before you publish it. Re-read it and see what I mean. There are a lot especially in the last paragraph.

“fin you can stay here and look stupid witch should not be to hard for you, wile I go and do something! To help!” Then Tiko stomped off, Nolen turned around to look at Sarah but she was gone.

“Fin…Tiko what up!”

The first fin needs to be capitalized and and an e at the end, as I'm sure it is suppose to be fine. Witch is wrong, it should be which. wile should be while. The last Fin should be fine. Proofreading again helps and you will have less errors.

Your beginning was confusing as you kept going back and fourth between Tiko and everything else. Keep your focus on one thing.

Nolen looked at Tiko as he was running, then Nolen looked behind him self and saw the Mermaid. he screamed so loud I think Australia could hear him. The ball had gone under water as well as the mermaid.

In this he needs to be capitalized because is the beginning if a new sentence. Also the sentence about Australia does not make sense with the perspective on the story you are using. Take out the I think in the sentence and it will be better.

Overall I liked this and it was really good! Keep writing and I hope to read more of your work in the future! I hope this helped!

AshleyDashley :)






thanks and yes I am not good at story's and grammar but I will work on it, thanks



OreosAreLife says...


You're welcome! And you will get better!



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Thu Oct 27, 2016 1:17 pm
AceOfPayds wrote a review...



Okay, I like this setting. But first, I want you to look at a few things that I think you might want to change.

Firstly, in the first paragraph, you claimed that Tiko is a boy, yet also a witch. Witches are mostly, and I think as much, girls. Not boys. And the last sentence in the paragraph says "far-away Island". Two things are in error here. Firstly, I think you're trying to say "Faraway Island." In which case, you should capitalize the "f" in that sentence. Also, the end of that sentence needs a period. I think you might have forgotten that, but it's a simple mistake, so I can sympathize.

As well as the first paragraph, you might want to fix this other grammatical error. It's minor, but it still matters a tad. "One blissful windy afternoon..." should be updated with a comma in between the words "blissful" and "windy". That way, it looks like this: "One blissful, windy afternoon". It is just a minor fix, but it's still vital to a good story.

There's also another sentence where you said "keeled", which I assumed you meant "kneeled", which is actually not a word, as the correct form of that word is really just "knelt". Weird word, I know, but it's best that you pay attention to simple mistakes like this. Otherwise the story doesn't flow very fluidly.

So, I love the story. And it's a very cute one (no offense). I can actually see this becoming a very long-lasting novel and series. In fact, I support you and your future progress with this story. But, always read your story over and over before you publish it. As a matter of fact, I recommend you write the story, and then wait a day before reading it over. Because you won't catch errors and grammatical mishaps as easily on the day you wrote the story like you will if you wait a while. Even let a friend read it over for you. That's what I'm here for!

Also, and I mean this with all respect because you're a new writer, you should definitely be careful with the number of small mistakes that you let visible in your writing. Because having just a few small mistakes is one thing, but a handful can equate to a big mistake in writing.

Keep writing, I'm looking forward to seeing more of your skill in future stories!!!

-Payds






aww thanks. and that was really helpful and I am not the best writer so thanks a lot :D that was awesome and I will keep writing, do you want me to tell you when chapter two is out?



AceOfPayds says...


That'd be great! Yeah!





cool :) thanks again for the review :)




Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.
— Mark Twain