Previously Tiko and Nolen had lost their ball then went to the market to get more supplies to make a new ball and Nolen saw a pretty girl named Sarah, Nolen got all up in the moment and then Tiko got him out of it, then stomped off yelling to Nolan that they have a job to do. Now chapter two. Nolen then ran up to join Tiko by his side, Then they got they got some supplies and then went home. “Mom, were home!!” Yelled Tiko, “Okay come on in dear, your ant made food for tonight” Oh no thought Tiko and Nolen, there ant was the worst cook on this whole planet! “Oh joy” said Tiko in a very sarcastic madder. “So just wondering what did you make this time aunt Lowes?” asked Nolen
“I am glad you asked Nolen, it’s my special goat horned frog and mushroom soup!”
“Oh…WOW” thought Tiko, “that’s a real hand full isn’t it...ant…Cora” so every one sat down to eat, but for the most of it till their mother made dessert uncle Mell pretended he was dead, Tiko said he was stuffed after the first bight, and at the time Nolen kept eating and making scrunchy, barfy faces.
“Well that was delicious! Now I guess you can all have desert” said Ant Cora
“YAY!!!” shouted Tiko
“YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS” screamed Nolen
Mom exhaled heavily with joy
“What? Did I eat it…am I in Heaven!!?? Oh no, not yet I am not, my wife is here” said uncle Mell, then he let out a long giggle as did Tiko and Nolen.
The next day was a special day! It was the day that Tiko and Nolen’s cousins were coming over, they had four kids in their family!! To their village four is a lot!
There was Ant River Uncle Willy and cousin Jack he is 19 cousin Zoe she is 15 and cousin Samantha and Sam, Samantha and Sam are both twins and they are both 13. They all look almost the same like their dad and his 5 brothers, Jack has black hair and blue eyes, Zoe has dark brown hair and blue eyes, Samantha has black hair and blue eyes, and Same has black hair and blue eyes. They were almost to their house for lunch, only 10 feet away.
“Hey guys!” yelled Tiko
“Tiko shush! This is a small village! You don’t want someone coming over here asking, Hey who was yelling so loud, I was trying to take a well desserved totally silent nap, and I will have to say oh I am so so SOOO sorry sure, it was my little stupid brother!” said Nolen
“Yeah um, do you want no what the funny part about that is, NO ONE IS GONNA DO THAT!!!”
“Tiko shush, your gonna’ anger someone” yelled his mom out the window of the kitchen
“oh he already has!” said Nolen pointing to himself.
“Put that finger down Nolen your gonna’ hurt something”
“Hello Tiko hi Nolen, aww, it’s so good to see you guys!” said ant River
“Hi ant River, how are you, OH!!! UNCLE WILLY!!” yelled Tiko with excitement, Tiko loves uncle Willy.
“Oh hey Tiko!! How are ya’?!”
“Just fine thanks” Tiko replied. Then after lunch all the kids went outside to play,
“Hey Zoe check it out, Nolen and I made a new ball!”
“oh wow, that’s awesome but, what happened to the old one?”
“Well um… funny story actually, it…….got kicked into the tre’s and we have not found it since, yep that’s it!” Tiko did not want to tell Zoe that he has lost it and that it was his fault.
“So how have you been, Nolen?” asked Jack
“oh just fine, Hey what should we play?”
“Um…I know I might be to old for this but, how about leap tag!?”
“that sounds great!” said Nolen, leap tag is where you have to jump on the person then they are it!
“okay, I will be it!” yelled Sam.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
This was really good lol. it's funny and great to read
I can't wait for the next one.
Aww thanks
Hello, Steggy here for a review!
I haven't read the previous chapter so if I get anything wrong, let me know!
In the beginning of any story, do not start with "then". You should start off the beginning with something the MC is having trouble with or whatever you left off last time. If anything, the best thing I would say would just get rid of the "then" and go from there. A suggestion I give to almost everyone is reread your work. There is bound to be mistakes that only the writer can see.
Just from reading, I'm guessing Tiko and Nolen are friends. There should be some background info going around saying how they became friends and what they are running away from. I'm sure you probably mentioned it in the previous chapter but it couldn't hurt to refresh upon.
When someone is thinking or having a thought, it might be best if you just have it said to themselves. Like putting the words that are in the thought, in some italics of some sort. If you didn't have it in italics, it would seem like the character is just saying it aloud and I'm sure you don't want that. Another thing I noticed when reading is you have countless misspellings throughout this along with punctuation mistakes. I'm guessing English is a really hard thing to understand (I don't even understand it) but the best thing you could do is ask for some help.
Your dialogue throughout this chapter doesn't feel quite realistic as I think it should. It almost feels a bit... "forced"? Research some examples of dialogue to help you there. Dialogue goes hand and hand with description. When the reader wants some voices, they make up their own. The same goes with description. Speaking of description, I'd like to known what they two families look like. What does the country look like? Where is the country located at? Those types of things.
When you write with people screaming/shouting, you don't necessarily need to put the words in caps. For some people it can be an ear sore. As a suggestion, just leave it in the under case form. There should be periods after the end of the two sentences.
Overall, this was an interesting piece. Though, there were plenty of mistakes, I'm sure you rewrite them yourself when you reread your work. I hope to see more of this in the future.
If you have any questions, let me know!
Steggy
Thanks steg and ya it would have made WAAYY more sense if you had reed the first chapter but that's okay
Hey GoldenArrow, welcome back.
First off, I'm going to point out that anytime you continue a story with a different chapter, you want to lead up to where you left off. The first sentence is a little offsetting, considering you started it off the sentence with a "Then", but there is no sentence before, so it's hard to understand what Nolen was doing beforehand. Also, you wrote "...by his side, Then...". I don't know if you were trying to start a new sentence here or if you wanted to condition the "T" in "Then" to a lowercase "t". But either way, I think you should look into fixing this.
Secondly, you wrote "then they got they got", placing "they got" twice unnecessarily. I find that excessive, and I think it needs fixing. And when you said "ant" in the next sentence, you might want to change that to the correct word, which is "aunt". This way, it doesn't seem like Tiko has a pet ant who can cook food. That'd be interesting enough, but I don't think you were trying to convey that much.
Thirdly, you wrote "madder", which I think you might wish to fix, seeing as that's not the right word. I think you mean "matter", which is a completely different word and has completely different meaning all together.
I have to apologize, because I would love to finish this story, but it's very tough to read with all the extra typos scrambled around the paragraphs. I'm sure this story will have a very great plot, but I can't see past the imperfections in your grammar to actually receive the adventure and story that you are trying to relay to me. I advise you to rehash this over and over again, because with all these typos, it's going to be a long and bumpy road to the end of this chapter.
I don't mean to discourage you from writing GoldenArrow, I urge you to merely correct your work so that it's easier to understand. I'm sure you're a great writer, and you have a load of fresh stories to tell, but until you can fully relay to me what you're trying to say, without so many grammatical errors, I won't want to finish your chapter.
I hope you edit this enough so that I and others might enjoy reading it with ease.
-Payds