If you would like to read Chapter 1 first, here is the link: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work/CherrySc...
Aron landed with a thud on cold, wet ground.
“Where am I?” he said to himself. He looked around in awe. “This must be some sort of underground world!” He was in a damp, dimly lit location. He couldn’t see the sky, for when he looked up, he only saw an endless, heavy gloom.
His hands immediately flew to his pocket, where the compass was still safe and sound. He breathed a sigh of relief.
In the distance, he spotted a little man, who looked exactly like the Task Troll, only green. Aron didn’t have much choice, so he walked towards the creature. He soon realized that there were two other trolls beside the green one. Little did Aron know, but these small beasts were no better than the Task Troll. The two others standing beside the green one were yellow and blue.
“Hello,” said the green troll pleasantly. “This tunnel behind me leads you to your friends. Just answer my questions, and you’re good to go.”
“What kind of questions?” asked Aron skeptically.
“Well, I, being the Who Troll, will ask you questions on the topic of who,” said the little green troll.
“And I am the Why Troll,” said a small blue creature with a mean, whiny voice. “I will ask you questions concerning why.”
“I will ask you questions about where,” said the last troll, who was yellow and who claimed to be the Where Troll.
They began pelting Aron with their questions.
The Who Troll began with his first.
“Okay,” he said. “I need you to tell me: who you are, who you know, who you love, who you hate, who you are proud of, who you want, who you admire, who you…” He droned on and on and on.
Aron’s jaw dropped.
Meanwhile, in the second tunnel, Josiah slid down and landed right on a strange-looking horse. He blinked, realizing that it wasn’t a horse at all. It was a unicorn!
The wizard was there, riding on another one, and all together, Josiah counted about five or six of them.
“Hello, laddy,” the wizard said to him. “Need a lift?”
“Giddyup!” Josiah exclaimed as he settled in. “Also, how did you find us?”
“I had a feeling you would get into trouble,” the wizard answered knowingly.
In the meantime, Eszter, Abigail, and Lidia had landed on a pile of leaves.
“Woah!” exclaimed Eszter, nearly dropping her diary, which—by some miracle—hadn’t gotten very wet.
“My pants are still wet,” Lidia grumbled.
They were trying to decide which direction to go when, out of nowhere, the wizard and Josiah appeared. They were riding on a few beautiful unicorns.
“Do we get to ride those?!” asked Lidia, her eyes sparkling with wonder as she reached out to stroke the creature’s mane.
“If you want a warm bed to sleep in tonight,” answered the wizard, smiling.
“Hang on a second, where’s Aron?” Eszter asked.
“I saw him go down the first tunnel,” Abigail replied.
“Okay, well, I know where that leads,” said the wizard. “I’ll drop you off at my cottage, and you folks can stay there while I pick Aron up. Hop on!”
They all climbed on a unicorn and then took off. It was a breathtaking ride. There are no words to describe it. But, as all rides do, this one eventually ended. The children leapt off when they reached the wizard’s cottage. Lidia sadly dismounted the magical creature and stroked its velvet nose goodbye.
Then the wizard led them inside and snapped his fingers. Four beds appeared. “Sleep well! I’ll go get Aron,” he said. “You’ll need a good rest.” Then he rode off on the unicorns as Lidia waved to them.
Meanwhile, Aron was still being interrogated by the trolls. The Why Troll was mid-shout: “Now, you’re going to tell me why you went to—”
“No! My questions are more important than yours!” shouted the Where Troll.
“I think we all know who’s the most important: me!” declared the Who Troll. They argued and squabbled for what seemed like forever.
Aron tried to slip away without being noticed, but the Where Troll spotted him. “Hey, WHERE do you think you’re going?!” he exclaimed. “We still have many, many more questions to ask you.”
Aron sighed. He was about to fall asleep from boredom, but then, from behind the trolls, the wizard and the unicorns burst through the wall. The three trolls scurried off, shrieking like banshees.
“Howdy,” said the wizard. “Hop aboard!” Aron jumped on the back of a unicorn, and they galloped off.
“Wait! Stop! cried Aron. “Is that…Hannah?!!”
The wizard gave the unicorn a gentle nudge, and they stopped galloping at their tremendous speed. Aron hopped off.
“Hannah! What on earth are you doing here?!” The blonde-haired girl with glasses sheepishly answered, “Well, I, uh, followed you guys into the tunnel and everything.”
If you remember, Hannah was Abigail and Josiah’s sister. She was ten years old.
“I thought that you didn’t want to go to the costume party,” Aron said. “Who’s that behind you?” There was a brown-haired girl standing shyly behind Hannah. The girl was around the age of eleven or twelve, by the looks of her.
“This is Anna,” Hannah said. “I met her after I got washed down the tunnel. She’s been here awhile, and we’re friends now.”
“It’s getting dark, so we should be heading back. You folks are welcome to go with us, though,” said the wizard.
They all climbed aboard a unicorn, and soon they were back at the wizard’s cottage. After everyone had alighted from the shimmering unicorns, the wizard gave a short, sharp whistle, and the creatures bolted off like streaks of lightning.
“They don’t like me too much,” the wizard explained with a sigh. “I usually ride them at a very slow speed.”
When they opened the door, all of the kids inside were erupting in laughter and talking.
“What?!” the wizard exclaimed. “I thought I told you to get to bed!” Then he snapped his fingers, and four more beds appeared.
“Wait a second,” said Abigail. “You brought my sister?!” So Hannah told everyone about how she’d met Anna and how she had managed to follow them through Mr. Fern’s house and then the tunnel .
“By the way, where in the world are we?” she asked.
“Oh!” The wizard chuckled.
“This gloomy place is known as the Subterranean Plains. It is the area where most magical creatures and monsters live. I would assume that Shadow would be down here, but my studies show that he’s currently on the Surface.”
“The surface? You mean Earth?” Abigail asked, confused.
“Oh, sorry, I forgot to tell you all about the entire realm!” the wizard said. “It is called Kirkwood.”
“Kirkwood,” Aron slowly repeated, muttering it like a chant. “Kirkwood, Kirkwood, Kirkwood…”
The wizard spoke over his rambling. “There is the Overworld, also known as the Surface, where you folks will want to go, and there’s also the Subterranean Plains, which is where we are now. Mr. Fern’s house exists in both Earth and Kirkwood. It’s like a portal.”
“Wow,” Aron said.
“So, there are two layers of Kirkwood?” Eszter asked.
“Precisely!” answered the wizard. “I do believe you exited my Earth house into the overworld.”
Aron’s eyes lit up. “Yeah, then we went into the tunnel! And the sign on top said, "To the Subterranean Plains!” And there was that troll…”
The wizard nodded. “I thought so. Anyways, it’s late, and you have a long day ahead of you,” said the wizard. “Good night.”
“Good night, Mr… Wait, what’s your name?” asked Eszter.
“I bet it’s Merlin or Gandalf or something like that,” Aron loudly whispered to Josiah.
“My name is… BOBO!” declared the wizard proudly.
The kids tried not to laugh, but they couldn’t hold it in.
“Hey, it’s not funny,” said Bobo angrily, but he was still smiling.
Once the giggles had finally subsided, Bobo said, “Good night,” and the children all said, “Good night, Bobo,” in a sleepy chorus. Then, one by one, they drifted off to sleep.
Next chapter: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work/CherrySc...
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hello!
This feels unnatural because Aron works out where he is almost immediately despite having very little information. He’s landed somewhere dark and damp, but that could be a cave, a cellar or any number of things. I think it would be more interesting to let him explore a little and gradually realise that this is an entire underground world.
I wouldn’t describe him as a little man if Aron immediately recognises him as something resembling the Task Troll. You could just say he spots a small green troll who looks almost identical to the Task Troll.
This is a very sudden switch. I’d normally suggest giving Aron’s section a stronger stopping point before moving to Josiah. Aron’s jaw dropping isn’t quite enough of a cliffhanger because nothing dangerous has happened yet. Josiah landing directly on a unicorn is also convenient, although it suits the playful tone. I’d like a little more reaction from the unicorn! Does it buck, snort or turn around to glare at him? That would make the entrance livelier.
"Knowingly" isn’t doing much here because his answer already shows that he expected trouble. I’d either remove it or replace it with a physical action, such as him giving Josiah an amused look.
I also wondered why the wizard left the children alone if he was already expecting them to get into trouble. He seems able to find them easily and knows where each tunnel leads, so it makes him seem a little irresponsible! That could be part of his character, but it would be good to acknowledge it.
"There are no words to describe it" feels like avoiding the description rather than showing us how breathtaking it is! This is their first ride on flying or extremely fast unicorns, so it should be a memorable moment. You could describe the wind pulling at their clothes, the ground becoming a blur beneath them or the glow of the underground world rushing past.
This feels like the narrator stopping the story to remind us of information. I’d weave it into the scene instead. Abigail’s reaction later already establishes that Hannah is her sister, and her age could come through naturally if it becomes important. The phrase "If you remember" can also make readers feel as though they’re being tested!
I think there is one bed too many here. It would also be good to know where all these beds are appearing. Does the cottage have one enormous room, or does his magic expand the house to fit them? The cottage is likely to be an important location, so I’d love a little description of it. At the moment it’s mostly an empty space where beds appear!
This makes the wizard sound uncertain about how his own house works. That could suit him if he’s meant to be absent-minded, but until now he has seemed to know exactly where everyone went and where the tunnels lead.
It might be fun to develop that contradiction? Perhaps he understands the magical realm extremely well but has no control over where his house’s doors open.
***
Overall, the question trolls are probably my favourite part because they feel like the sort of strange nuisance that belongs in a fantasy adventure. The unicorns and the wizard’s cottage also give the children a welcome moment of wonder after the tunnels!
I think the biggest issue is that everything happens very quickly, though. The children are separated, find unicorns, reunite, rescue Aron, discover Hannah and Anna, reach the cottage and learn how the entire magical realm works without facing much difficulty. Since each event is immediately replaced by another, none of them gets enough space to feel important. Slow down and focus on each moment! I’d decide early and choose which moments deserve to be the focus of the chapter. Anna in particular feels as though she might be important, so I don’t think she should be introduced and accepted quite so casually.
The setting could also use more description. I am told the Subterranean Plains are gloomy, damp and filled with magical creatures, but I don’t yet have a strong picture of them. I think you can expand the lore to make Kirkwood feel like a real place rather than a series of tunnels connecting the characters, especially if these are children experiencing this world. Children have very active imaginations! Are they seeing what is real, or are they creating their own interpretations of what's happening?
There are some convenient rescues and coincidences, as well, but I don’t think that’s necessarily a problem for this kind of story as long as the characters still have things to do themselves. At present the wizard solves almost everything. He finds the children, provides transport, rescues Aron, offers shelter and explains the world. I think that letting the children overcome part of the problem before he arrives would make them feel more active.
Cheers! Thanks for sharing this!
Lipton
Alrighty, I remember the first chapter. Let's go!
Lol Did Aaron really have no choice or was the troll just the only interesting thing in sight xd
Hm it sounds like Aaron landed in a place where the opposition just wants him to spend as much time there, basically stalling him indefinitely with endless questions. And answering them will also take time....
I'm still wondering where we're going with this because the wizard is actively part of the quest but didn't think of giving them the unicorns before? And he can casually find them? Why does he need the kids? XD
I'm just sad because you reunited the kids so quickly that they didn't get to show their individual personalities.
Regarding Aaron's Sit. I thought Aaron approached the trolls.... Why is it so hard for him to leave them? Because he trusts them that they told the truth abt the way out?
Would have been nice to see that happen: " So Hannah told everyone about how she’d met Anna and how she had managed to follow them through Mr. Fern’s house and then the tunnel ."
Would have been good for showing their characters too!
I like the closing scene where everyone is together xd