If you would like to read chapter 1 and 2 first, here are the links:
Chapter 1:
https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work/CherryScr...
Chapter 2:
https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work/eszterv/S...
--------------------
In the morning, Bobo woke the kids up bright and early. The tiny room was filled with sleepy groans and long yawns.
“Please, can we sleep a little bit longer, Bobo?” begged Josiah.
“No. I told you to go to bed, and now you’re tired. See? We need to get an early start if we want to catch Shadow,” Bobo said. “Also, I can’t follow you any longer or save you from the messes you get into.”
“Why can’t you come with us?” asked Lidia.
“I have to watch the Sacred Red Eye. We cannot risk another theft,” Bobo explained. Then he leaned in and dropped his voice to a whisper. “Don’t tell anyone, but I’m not sure if Wanda is doing a very good job,” he whispered. And with that said, he evaporated like steam.
“Aww… I miss Bobo already,” said Lidia.
“I know, but he has to take care of the Eye,” said Eszter.
“Let’s go,” said Anna.
So they all headed out the door.
Along the way, restlessness began to get the better of Aron, and he began to toss around his precious compass.
“Hey, Josiah! Catch!” he shouted. Aron hurled the compass toward Josiah.
The throw was much too high.
Josiah extended his arm as far up as he could, but he still didn’t reach it.
The compass flew over him and into a nearby bush!
“Oops,” said Aron.
Josiah reached in and pulled the compass out of the bush.
“Is it broken?” asked Hannah.
“It had better not be.” Abigail shot the boys a glare.
The children realized that they would have to be way more careful with their enchanted items.
“So we go…” Anna studied the compass. “That way!” They kept walking until they came across a few average-sized houses. There were four of them, each with only one door.
“The compass is pointing straight into that house!” exclaimed Aron, who finally was allowed to hold it again. The group knocked on the door of the first house. A sign on the door said: Strong Man.
“Hello?” said an average-looking man who had answered the door. He had a perfectly ordinary build and not a single bulging muscle in sight.
“Are you supposed to be the strong man?” asked Aron. “I am indeed,” he replied solemnly. “I’m the weakest strong man in the world.”
“Anyway, do you know of anyone named Shadow?” Abigail asked him, getting straight to the point.
“Oh! If you want to know about Shadow, you should ask the Weak Man, my nextdoor neighbor,” he advised.
So the group went to the next house. The sign above the door said: Weak Man. They knocked on the door, and a man opened it.
This man did not appear to be weak at all, but what really surprised the children was that this man looked exactly like the Strong Man.
“Why, hello!” he said with a smile on his face. “May I help you? I am the strongest Weak Man in the world.”
“You look just like the Strong Man,” Eszter remarked. She tucked her tiny diary away, for it was full. Maybe someday, she told herself, it would become a great story.
The Weak Man ignored this comment, and asked again, “So, may I help you?”
“Yes, we were wondering if you knew where Shadow is,” said Aron.
“Hmm…” pondered the Weak Man. “I think I’ve heard of him before, but if you want real information, you should go ask the Young Man. He lives next to me.”
A bit annoyed, the kids went over to the door with the sign that said: Young Man.
Before they could even raise a hand to knock, the door creaked open.
Josiah noticed that it seemed as if the man knew that they were going to be there.
“Hullo, I’m the -”.
“Oldest Young Man in the world, yeah, we know,” Aron interrupted.
He didn’t look particularly young; he was thoroughly middle aged. Again, he looked exactly like the other two men.
The kids were all beginning to get suspicious.
“Do you know where Shadow is?” Anna probed.
“Shadow? Nope. Never heard of him. But you could ask my neighbor, the Old Man.”
The children groaned.
“This had better be worth it,” Eszter grumbled to Abigail.
“It won’t,” Abigail muttered.
“But this is the last house, so now where would he send us?” Eszter wondered.
The sign above the door read: Old Man. The Old Man, who looked just like the others, was strangely already waiting for them outside the door.
“You’re the same person,” insisted Eszter.
“No, I’m not,” replied the Old Man, but the children noticed a few beads of sweat slide down his forehead.
“Then why are you sweating?” observed Hannah.
“Okay, fine!” shouted the man. “Don’t spoil everything for me. I can have four jobs at once this way, and you are not going to ruin this for me!” A tear slipped down his cheek.
“But how do you get to and from the houses so quickly?” inquired Abigail. The man paused his hysterics for a moment.
“Oh, I just use the tunnels beneath my four houses,” he said. Then he continued to cry.
“Calm down, we won’t tell,” said Eszter.
“Just tell us if you know anything about Shadow,” Josiah added.
The man was sobbing by then.
“Go ask Alec, he knows a lot about Shadow,” he managed to sputter.
Abigail’s eyes narrowed. “This is another trick, isn't it? And where is this Alec person, anyway? I don’t see any more houses.”
“His cottage is right over there,” sniffled the man. He pointed to a small cabin in the distance, probably no bigger than your room.
“Okay…” Aron said warily, unsure if this was a good idea.
The group walked up to the cabin and knocked. They saw a vague figure swoop past the window, and a moment later, a voice called, “Coming!”
“Was that Alec?” Aron asked.
Hannah shrugged. “Probably.”
About a minute later, they were preparing to leave, when a boy answered the door. He had handsome brown hair, and he grinned when he noticed the children. “Hello, are you in need of my assistance?” the boy asked politely.
“What took you so long?” questioned Aron. “We’ve been waiting forever!”
“Oh, I just had to finish drinking my tea,” the boy replied airily.
The group sighed.
“Are you Alec?” Eszter asked.
“Yes, I am,” the boy replied.
“How old are you?” asked Anna, a bit dreamily.
“Why, I’m seventeen!” he replied.
“Oh… Well, you look a bit younger than that,” Anna admitted, her cheeks turning slightly pink.
“So, may I help you?” Alec asked.
“Yes, do you know where Shadow is?” asked Abigail.
Alec’s expression turned serious. “Shadow? I don’t know…” he said.
“You don’t know about him either?” Abigail cried. “We were told that you did!”
“Oh, no, I never said that I didn’t know about him, just that I didn’t know if looking for him was a good idea.”
Abigail replayed the conversation in her head for a second. “Oh, you’re right,” she said. “But please would you lead us to Shadow? We would do all the dangerous stuff, and all you have to do is come along, since you supposedly know more about him than we do.”
“Yes, please will you?” Anna asked.
Alec thought for a moment. “Well… I suppose. Just as long as I don’t have to do any dangerous stuff.”
You could see the hint of a smile on Anna’s face. “Wait, so does that mean you’re coming with us?” she asked hopefully.
“Well, duh,” Hannah whispered to her friend.
“Yay!” she squealed loudly.
Aron whispered to Josiah, “I think she’s in love with him.”
Josiah gagged, making a sick face.
The two boys both snickered.
“What are you laughing at?” asked Lidia.
“Anna’s in lo-” Josiah sang.
Aron jabbed Josiah with his elbow, cutting him off. “Oh, nothing,” he said quickly. He didn’t want to get a scolding from his sister.
Lidia frowned at them. They never told her anything.
“Okay, I would think it’s about time to begin our journey,” Alec announced.
“Whatever you say, Alec,” said Anna in adoration. She walked by Alec so close that they touched shoulders.
“Alright,” Aron agreed. “The compass says to go… that way.”
After walking for about an hour, they encountered a deep pit of mud.
“What is that?” Aron wondered, stepping by Alec, dangerously close to the hole. Then, he slipped, and fell in!
“Ahhhhhhh!” he screamed, as he plummeted into the stinky pit.
Squish!
Aron was now waist deep in muck. “Ewwwww!” he exclaimed, disgusted. Then, he noticed something. “Help! I’m sinking!”
“Aron!” Josiah cried. “I’ll save you!” He leapt to the pit and slipped by accident, clinging to the edge of the hole for dear life.
Abigail and Hannah grasped Josiah’s hands and yanked him up, right before he was about to fall in. In the process, a few clumps of mud fell down into the pit, spraying grime in Aron’s face.
“Gross!” he yelled. “Get me out of here!”
While the kids were trying to figure out how to save Aron without much luck, Lidia was fidgeting with her cowgirl costume. “I have a rope,” she offered.
“Perfect!” exclaimed Eszter. The girls threw the rope into the pit.
“Grab this!” Abigail hollered.
Aron seized the rope, and the others pulled as hard as they could.
“It’s not working!” he reported. Then, Abigail noticed something.
“Alec, Anna, why aren’t you helping?” she asked.
“Oh! Sorry, I’m coming!” Alec replied. He jumped up and grabbed the end of the rope.
“Me too,” Anna immediately piped in, and followed suit.
They yanked and pulled until they were sweating.
Finally, Aron was lifted out of the quicksand mud. He grasped the edge.
Hannah and Eszter helped him out.
“I think I need a bath,” he groaned.
“You think?” Eszter exclaimed, holding her nose.
Aron was brown from head to toe. He nodded, sheepishly.
“You have the compass, right?” asked Josiah.
“Yeah, I do,” Aron answered.
“Okay, let’s keep going!” Alec announced. “It’s getting dark, but, luckily, I know of a small village where we can stay.”
They walked for about thirty minutes, until they came across a tall, rusty, staircase.
“These will take us to the Surface.” Alec told the children. “There is a small village there, and we can spend the night.”
Everyone had to admit that they were all extremely exhausted, and would love a good night’s rest.
Once they scaled the set of stairs, there was a metal hatch at the top. It looked like it hadn't been used in years.
Alec and the children pushed with all their might. They were about to give up, when the hatch popped open. The group crawled out.
“Welcome to the Surface,” Alec said.
It was night. The town that lay before them looked unwelcoming and abandoned.
The children stared.
“This is where we’re supposed to spend the night?!” Aron exclaimed.
“Of course it is! Come on, follow me!” Alec said with a grin.
“Okay, Alec, whatever you want,” Anna said moonily. Then she skipped to his side.
Everyone shivered when they heard a spooky howl in the distance. The kids walked under a sign that read: Brightwood Village.
The town’s name seemed like the opposite of the village itself. It was dark and made you think gloomy thoughts just by looking at it. The windows were black, and the houses looked so old that it seemed they could crumble at any second. The only light illuminating their path was the full moon shining upon them.
Suddenly, a short little man peered out the door of a nearby house. He noticed the children, and gasped. “What are you kids doing out here at night?” he whispered, clearly alarmed.
“We went to this town to rest from our long journey,” Alec replied.
“Yeah, we went down this pipe, and saw a-” Aron was interrupted by the man’s sharp whisper.
“Shhhhh… Come in here, you’ll be safe, so you can live to tell your tale.” The children raised their eyebrows and followed him inside.
While they were walking in, Josiah noticed a poster on the doorpost that read: Werewolf Wanted; Dead or Alive. There was a realistic and scary drawing of a werewolf. The bottom read: Finder will be paid 10 cents. Josiah ripped the paper off, and hurried inside with the others.
The man was currently talking inside. “This is all so strange!” he was saying. “ Ever since last week, all the humans in this village have been doing the same thing each day: They wake up. Eat breakfast. Do our jobs. Go home. Eat dinner-”
“What about lunch?” Aron asked.
“That too. Where was I, now?” the man asked.
“Eating dinner,” Hannah said.
“Oh, right. Eat dinner. Go to sleep. Full moon. The werewolf comes out. In fact, the humans in the village haven’t had a single new thing happen ever since last year!”
“There’s a werewolf in this village?!” Hannah stifled a scream.
“It comes out every night too, because now there is always a full moon!” the man said, as if they were discussing a stray dog, rather than a deadly beast.
“Yeah, this poster I found says so!” Josiah shouted.
The man shushed him, but came to see.
Everyone crowded around the poster.
“Hey, why in Kirkwood did you rip that off?!” the man complained.
“Oh, sorry,” muttered Josiah, who did not sound sorry in the least.
Hannah whimpered.
“You really didn’t know this?” the man said, still baffled. “We’ve been having werewolf problems for years now!”
“Well, giving out only ten cents to whoever catches him isn’t exactly the best plan,” Eszter said, pointing at the flier.
“Oh, yeah?” the man asked, narrowing his eyes.
“Yes, of course!” exclaimed Abigail. “You should give at least a hundred dollars!”
“Woah!” the man exclaimed. “That’s more money than this town has put together! Even ten cents is stretching our limit!"
Apparently, it seemed that in this strange land, pennies were worth quite a bit.
“Why are we arguing over the price anyway? Shouldn’t we be looking for clues to find-,” a loud howl interrupted Aron.
Everyone’s eyes widened.
“Follow me,” the man crouched down and fingered the floor. Finally, he pried open a hidden trapdoor and led them down a ladder into what seemed like a tornado shelter with two barred windows.
When the children's eyes adjusted to the dark, they saw some old beds and a picnic basket filled with food.
“This is an emergency shelter,” the man explained. “You may eat what’s in the basket, and there is a bathroom over there.”
This was a relief to the kids, for they were very hungry and tired.
Now that they could finally observe their host, they noticed that he was very, very short. In fact, he was only a bit taller than Lidia, who, as mentioned before, was only three to four feet tall.
“Are you a human?” Eszter asked the man. “I just noticed that you were talking about your human friends.”
“No, I’m a dwarf,” the man answered. “Now, good night,” he said, and left.
“Wow,” Josiah said. “First wizards, then werewolves, and now, dwarves. This place is both crazy and awesome!”
“I agree,” Hannah said.
“You’d better take a bath or shower in that bathroom, Aron,” Eszter advised.
“Yeah, I will,” Aron replied.
Lidia yawned, and flopped onto an old bed.
After a quick dinner—a welcome relief from tuna fish sandwiches—Aron scrubbed off the last of the mud in the shower, and the group finally collapsed onto the old beds.
Alec picked a bed near the ladder. Anna followed him and hopped on the one next to him. The rest of the group also picked beds. Soon, everyone was snoring.
Abigail woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't go back to sleep. She didn't want to risk getting up and accidentally waking someone, so she just looked out the window nearest to her bed.
At first, she only saw the dark village. But then, something began to move. The dark outline of a hairy beast appeared outside. It lifted its head and howled. Surprisingly, no one woke up, but that howl gave her chills.
Then, she saw another outline, this time of a cloaked man, walking up to the werewolf. Abigail held her breath, expecting the beast to lung and tear the stranger apart. Instead, the man walked right up to the werewolf. Her jaw dropped as she watched them reach out and firmly shake hands.
Abigail rubbed her eyes, wondering if she was dreaming, but when she looked again, the shadows were gone. She spent the rest of the night tossing and turning, the image of that handshake stuck in her memory.
--------------------
Next chapter:
https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work/eszterv/Shadow-Chapter-4-The-Message-162548
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Good morning!
Also add a sentence or three about where she is in the room and what she’s been doing prior to speaking? Maybe a reminder of what she looks like?Love that you included links to your other chapters ^^
I think I have come up with another writing tip that might benefit you: try to combine dialogue with ~action~
So instead of just having the characters “say” something like here:
I must admit that I have no picture in my head when I think abt your characters despite having read all your chapters. I don’t know what they look like and most of the time I kinda forget what they are called ^^° So adding some descriptions (brief descriptions!) to your paragraphs might help with that?
Bodies do be weird like that sometimes: “He had a perfectly ordinary build and not a single bulging muscle in sight“
reminds me that I recently watched a video abt how ppl with muscles tend to not look the part on pictures.
Hahaha “Oldest Young Man in the world, yeah, we know,” love that he caught the pattern!
Ok did not expect there to be only one person tho^^°
Tho his explanation is weird? And why is he crying? That comes out of nowhere???
Hmmm if they have a compass that points them where they need to go, why does no one wonder why they need another guide, like Alec? Like I get that there’s probably a different purpose to Alec, but the children should at least question this?
I kinda like that the dwarf is not commenting one bid on the mud-covered children. Clearly not a parent XD
Ohh I wonder if that was Shadow, in the final paragraph and that he’s somehow related to the werewolf incident? :3
Join the fight! Write more reviews!
Hey, Aspawn here for review time!
Disclaimer: Don't worry, I read the other chapters too.
First Impression:
Of the story overall. So, it's a pretty cute, typical (in a good way) story of a group of kids on a hero's mission. I like Shadow's backstory, the simple (so far) yet enjoyable plot, and the whimsical, wizardy feel. This is a great first draft or start to what could be an epic hero's tale.
Grammar Warning:
I didn't catch any grammar mistakes, so nice work there! Only thing is...Did you know Kirkwood is a city in New York? Yeah, I get that it's hard to think of fantasy world names that aren't taken already (even for non-fantasy things), so if you want to keep it, be my guest. Just be aware that one day, someone from Kirkwood may be reading this and get really confuzzled.
Plot Warning:
I got a few warnings for you here, so let's start with what I like about Shadow.
I like the idea of the world slowly losing all that makes the days unique. I like the mysterious scene here with the werewolf. I like the old-style, soft magic feel this story has. I like a lot of stuff.
But something concerned me.
The scene with Strong-Weak-Young-Old Man? I happened to read the almost exact same scene in Sixth Grade, when we did the Phantom Tollbooth for English class. I really don't want to accuse anyone of plagiarism, because it is possible you had actually just thought up the scene all by yourself in your own time, and that you have never so much as seen the Phantom Tollbooth.
And even if you did? I get that. I have made stories that are so heavily based off of books I love that they might as well be fanfiction. I've definitely had scenes inspired by scenes I loved from books. I completely get that feeling. But posting that other book's scene, rewritten with minor details changed, as your own? It makes the reader wonder just how much of your story is really yours.
If what I have said is not true, and that this is all one big coincidence, please accept my sincerest apology. I'm not trying to attack you, I just want to help.
On a lighter note: While I do love the extensive cast, maybe try giving each of them their own personality, and a time to let it shine. Us readers love complex, human-like characters; we want to know each of them as well as you do. Yes, it's hard to do this when you have so many main characters, but without clear personalities and differences, characters tend to blur together, becoming "the children" rather than 'Josiah', 'Lidia', 'Eszter', and so forth.
What is Abigail like? Is Josiah a hot-head, or cool in the face of danger? What made Hannah decide to join the group later on? Who is Anna, and what drives her do what she does?
A few things to think about.
Your story is great. But you can make it greater.
Final Verdict:
Please don't think I'm trying to be overly critical of your story. This is just things to think about as you forge on with Shadows. I do enjoy it, and am looking forward to see how it plays out, but I also think that sometimes it's a good choice to just sit back and think over a few things.
Adios and good luck on your writing!
-Aspawn
Thank you very much for your review! This is actually a HUGE help, and I do realize now that the Four Men scene is VERY much like the Phantom Tollbooth. I will be sure I change it. Thanks again!