​The Girl Who Saw the Ocean Floor (Because She Was Drowning)

While I know this has already gotten two reviews, and perhaps mine won't be that helpful (indeed, it will likely be heavily perfunctory), I remember seeing this poem from the poetry jam yesterday, so I thought I might as well take another look at it.

Your minimalist approach, in my opinion, paid off. By cutting aside all the relatively bland metaphors and stanzas, you are left with a fascinating and profound depiction of the sights of a drowning girl caught in a sea of cast-aside medication. It comes across as an extended metaphor of its own, featuring a girl trapped by her own mind and seeing the effects of the medication around her as she continues to fall apart. Among metaphors, I still absolutely love "And the coral was immune to depression", as it comes across as both bizarre and unique, fitting nicely with the imaginative and tragic tone of the piece. The final one, of a bird gracefully falling, is a nice use of a "broken bird" metaphor to capture the state of the girl, and helps me visualize her slow and tumbling descent in the ocean. These, and others, build the central picture beautifully, tied together with solid grammar and punctuation to give me a brief, but large-in-impact, poem.

In conclusion, there's nothing that I can offer as criticism. The work is solid, heavy on emotions, and the title is both a neat establishment of the setting and raises the questions that propels readers into the poem (as in, why is she drowning? what did she see?) with earnest. Admittedly, I personally think that the first two lines beginning with "And" could connect to each other and the following line with commas, as that is how my mind is reading them. However, on the whole, I must say well done! Thanks for this great poem!

Hello, hello, gxldencrxwns here for a review.

Despite its length, this poem has the rawness and honesty of a normal length or longer than usual poem! It tells about a girls struggle with depression, and it's described as drowning in an ocean of pills she overdosed on.

But one think I don't like is since this poem handles serious topics, such as depression, is that the girls emotions aren't described. I would suggest adding her thoughts. Like, is she mentally healthy? Is she suicidal? If you added those the poem would have a much more real life feel to it, and it's something this poem would certainly work great with.

Keep writing!
~gxldencrxwns

fortis, I just read your poem and found it to be 100 percent honest and true. The way you personified depression and presented it to the reader is simply amazing. You know, I could almost picture a young beautiful girl sinking into the clear blue water with all those little sea creatures turning their eyes in the direction of the drowning body and hear the sound of the water ripples. Your effort in writing such a realistic and visualized poem must be appreciated. I would like to mention another thing as well. Though this poem of yours was full of life and visualization, I found the emphasis on human emotions and feelings a bit low. The poem deals with death and depression, which happen to be 2 of the darker sides of life, and I feel while trying to create such scenes in the poem, a poet should try to add words and phrases which reflect the feelings and mental state of the person. Anyways, good work!