What if I just turned to stone when I died?
Do you think I would still have void spaces inside?
Would my eyes become opal or just rot away?
Would birds build their nests in those sockets to stay?
Would spiders build webs in the holes where I cried?
Would voles burrow down through my ribs just to hide?
Could my bones become rock, could my flesh be my grave?
Could my desolate chest become just a cave?
Could the screeching of bats become my new soul?
Could the crawling of bugs make me once again whole?
Could the echoes that bounce off my stone-turned skin
replace all the feelings that were missing within?
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140,106 Literary Works • 673,010 Reviews
Hey fort!
*clap* *clap* *clap*
Three claps for you because that's some sick flow you've got there, and three more for those sick rhymes. I really really appreciate the flow and how the syllables work line-by-line, making the cadence really strong. Stuff like this makes for a really great spoken word poem, because it's so strong rhythmically. I feel like it's just screaming to be read. Like, aloud. But uh, you're probably like, ok, sound, enough flattery. Let's get to the nitty gritty! What about the content?
MMM, yes, we've got some wholesome existential thought here. What's the meaning of life? What if I just died? What if it's all meaningless? All questions we've all heard (or will hear, I guess) at some point and will probably wonder ourselves until we come upon our own resolution or answer to the questions of existence, life, and death. With this being such a universal idea, and being something that people from generation to generation have belabored themselves to pontificate upon, I found your creative use of imagery to be a refreshing new take on it. It's unique to you. It's beautifully descriptive, and gives a clear mental image that communicates and evokes very real emotions. Emptiness, hopelessness, and that reach - that desire for something more, that wonder, that question in the heart. Those are the things I glean from it at least. What you, the author, intended and what I interpreted through my own lens could be different! I'd be interested to hear if it's as simple as I gathered or if there was something deeper.
Nonetheless, it's a genuinely enjoyable poem. It's introspective, considering one's individual fate, and the void that's felt within, while it also explores the inevitable fate we will all face - death.
Dun, dun, dunnnnn.As far as things you could change to make it better, I'm honestly at a bit of a loss. There's the good 'ol classic: "make it longer," but I personally think this works as is. If you were to elaborate it might just get repetitive, unless you had like, some kind of resolution you wanted to reach at the end that responds to the thoughts expressed here.
So, I don't know how much this helped in the realm of changing this poem, but I hope this was encouraging, and maybe gave you something to think about or some different perspective to look at this poem again with fresh eyes! If you have any questions for more specific feedback you're looking for, feel free to ask!
-sound
Hey thanks for the review and your kind words! So what I was trying to get at in this poem was not so much existentialism in death, but rather the loneliness one feels during life, and whether that would be alleviated in death. So it's more like looking at death as a good thing I suppose. The reason I'm letting you know this is because I want your opinion on something. I personally feel like this Palm is almost too long, so I have been considering removing the couplet at the end of the first stanza. I don't feel like it really serves any purpose beyond just a little tiny bit more imagery and evenimg out the stanzas. What if I combined the stanzas though so the poem only had one stanza? What do you think?
Dude, I love that that's what you were thinking of when writing the poem. I'm sorry I didn't catch it exactly and my brain focused more on the negative nuances than the positive haha.
But hm, I really like that idea! I think it could really give the poem that extra punch, by making it more concise. The imagery in those two lines is good, but as you say, they're not what's making or breaking your poem, and it would totally work for you to take them out! I think it might just make the poem more strong. Of course, I'm biased thought. I love good one-stanza poems. BUT IN SHORT, yes! I think that's a good idea and I love it.
Hey! My name is Kam, and this is my first review in a verrry long time so hang with me
I'm gonna start off with saying this is amazing. Amazing doesn't cut how this resonates deep inside of me and speaks to my very soul; It's written amazingly well and I congratulate you on how beautifully it flows. I really do adore the entire idea of the poem to its very core.
I see no writing errors, though I'm not amazing with those guys so I take full blame if I miss anything
Honestly I would just love more to read, but I also just love the length of the poem itself. It's short, and so deep at the same time. I don't really have any critique for you, probably because it's amazing and not because I haven't been on here in well over a year O.O
Keep writing!! I love the style of it
Greetings! I'm going to do a quick review, obviously. I enjoyed how that on the surface your poem seems really straight forward, but if you read it again it has so much depth. I feel that this is beatifully written and I don't see anything that needs tweeked. So, in short, good poem, I enjoyed it.