But how long has it been
since you've considered
the serious boys riding
hard, sharp, heavy,
black bikes at dusk
around corners
like it's a law?
Or the way autumn leaves
look like a plague
when backlit with a bluish
florescent streetlight
that busts into the tree from behind,
and all the leaves around that light
are just slightly more alive than the rest:
losing their sleep in the nighttime
for a couple more hours of weak lumens
from their false sun.
How long has it been since you've really felt
the incoming winter's chill wind on your upper arms,
or where it skitters across your bare back?
Do you bundle up tighter,
or do you let the glacial breaths
caress your skin for an intimate moment?
How long has it been
since you've taken your own
beautiful breath?
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,106 Literary Works • 673,010 Reviews
Thanks for sharing. The vivid imagery drew me in and kept me reading. Loved the personification of the leaves as they react with insomnia to the artificial lights and the reference to the artificial light as their sun. The description of the bikers was also superb as was the suggestion of a cold breeze upon a warm skin. .
Suggestion:
The poem’s introduction made me feel as though it were a continuation of some previous dialogue where the speaker had been listening to someone who argued against feeling anything special in life. That made me wonder exactly what the other person’s main points had been. How valid were they? The alternate introduction of: “How long has it been...” seems better to me since it avoids that effect.
Question: How do you propose we view those serious boys on those bikes?
Hi, fortis! Londone here for a review.
I enjoyed this, quite honestly, and it made me feel like I was having my eyes opened to the realization that I haven't been sensitive and aware of everything in the world, and how everything can be made poetic and pleasing to the ear.
This poem, in fact, was music. It was a beautiful melody that flows well and makes me feel happy, but at the same time makes me realize how important every detail of our existence is.
If that was not the purpose, there'e probably just something wrong with me xD
Now for some light critique.
I somewhat found the second stanza a bit awkward. Of course, it's worded beautifully, but there's one place that throws me off:
I think the flow bends a little there, after having the rest of it on point. Perhaps remove 'couple' and put 'few'?
I loved, loved this so much.
Thank you for sharing!
Londone
Carly's corner:
Here for a pretty short review!
First off I enjoyed this poem. I had favourite lines too. I like the other part where u made as your second stanza, but there's a slight issue with it. From my own view though.
I feel like your second verse *** Or the way autumn leaves...***
I feel like the start of it made it feel like a completion of the last line of the first stanza.
It would have been more brighter if you added that to the first stanza and then pick up a new "how long" line from the second just like you did with the first and third stanzas..
Having said that, I think you are good to go. I'll like to see more from you.