This is our mountain now. Because
when we’d scrambled
to the top, lungs heaving like bellows caught
fire, cheeks stamped red
with roses (and sure, maybe there was snot),
and when we had shed
our layers, there was
a sudden stillness.
We saw, on the faraway
mountain opposite, the white tails
of deer, lit up like embers, making bright trails
against brown November.
A moment frozen in amber: we sit, exposed
at the peak, losing heat,
until, we re-dress like birds, puffing up in the cold.
We dropped words from our throats,
hard and heavy
as rocks.
We saw hawks, their ascent
in the dusk, mirrored
by our descent back to the world below.
And while their wings scraped the sky into shadow,
you and I felt brighter.
And with our word-rocks
abandoned at the top,
maybe a little bit lighter.
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140,320 Literary Works • 673,091 Reviews
Heya, this is ElvenJedi, here to review your work!
First off, this poem is very unique, and I love it's meaning and imagery. Definitely enjoyed reading it! Now, onto the critique.
This particular sentence is completely fine, if only it fit in more and was maybe referenced later in the poem. There isn't really a clear tie between it and the poem's conclusion. What with the shortness of that sentence and the simplicity, it comes off extremely strong, and it feels rather odd to not have more lines backing it up later. It sort of feels like to me, as a reader, similar to a thesis statement that isn't maintained.
I personally think the line about snot doesn't fit here at all. In contrast with the rest of the piece, it's very crude and maybe even comical sounding, and the parentheses around it just heighten that and make it stand out further.
In the second stanza, I think everything's perfect as is, and in contrast with the last review here I actually like the phrase "brown november". Just thought I'd mention that.
I also really like the next stanza-- what you say about words "hard and heavy as rocks" is really descriptive.
Overall, this poem is amazing, creative, and very meaningful. I do think that it isn't very structured visually or rhythmically, as each stanza ranges from 1-8 lines long, but that could easily just be your style, in which case there's nothing wrong with it at all! Anyway, I hope you find this review helpful, and I look forward to reading more of your writings in the future!
Hey, first off, awesome poem! I love the imagery. However, I think I spotted a few areas of which improving would make it all together better. I felt that perhaps a better word could be used in place of "brown" in brown november. I just felt like this word is a bit bland, and if changed could make it seem better. Then towards the end, i felt that "word-rocks" could have been replaced by just "rocks" or "words", just a suggestion. Anyways, all in all, really good poem, i loved it. Hope to read more in the future :3