The Genesis Poem

Helloooo!!! this is such an interesting poem!!!

Boiled and burnt / Deceived and turnt / Riled and spurred / With weeds and words / Covering, Hiding / Worrying, then denying

This rhythm as an introduction the poem flows so, so well!! It's a great introduction that establishes this vague, imagery flowing in pieces that mirror how we also remember the history of human evolution in this way. While the rhythm that is already varied becomes more expanded after the final line I've quoted, it doesn't come off as too jarring, which is great! I love these lines!

A fire burried their eyes

Though, while having stanzas might somewhat change the flow or even the "aesthetic" of the poem, I think this line starting off as another stanza (and "A mammoth and a berry") would give impact to that line, and also make it structured as a story just as The Fall in genesis is structured as a story and how we remember the evolution of humanity too.

Also, it should be "buried" not "burried"!

The colour of red / The blood and the dead / The first ever bite

The bite in The Fall in Genesis was the start of awareness but also the end of naivety—it's a start and an end, just as life (blood) & death (dead) is, that being the life cycle of humanity. Alongside, this bite mirrors how humanity overall first lacked that awareness, until we eventually evolved to have the mental capacity to be aware of ourselves and our place in the world—which also interestingly enough, this evolution also mirrors how humans naturally develop from a newborn to an adult.

A mammoth and a berry / Eyes which what between feel heavy

As earlier, I did mention I thought this first line I'm quoted above would be nice as a starting point to a stanza, however I just really want to say that line has got to be one of my favorite lines. It's such an abstract line, and there are so many ways to read it, especially when it goes with the next line.

I wonder if the body of the mammoth and a berry are compared here or just specifically their eyes—do the berry here have "eyes" or they just resemble one? Is this line not a comparison to each other but instead referring to the relationship between the mammoth and a berry—one that is a hunter and prey dynamic? What is the "between"? What would it mean if these eyes were to be "between" the mammoth and a berry?

The mammoth is likely a reference to the old age of humanity and also the animals cursed to be deprived of sapience, and the berry is likely a reference to Adam being cursed to eat from the fields by toiling them. To me, I thought the eyes of humanity are "heavy" between the mammoth and a berry because humanity is between being animalistic/hunter and not one (or specifically being something to consumed/prey, whether it be nature or other humans). Though, the line can be read in so many ways!!

No more sniffing / Let’s have a chat

What a great ending! It establishes the contrast of being animalistic but also human by first using a term "sniffing" that is associated with animals, before using "chat" which is associated with humanity. This could also be a reference to humanity's mind being more animalistic/having behaviors more-so considered "animalistic" today, before establishing that humanity *presently* has the capacity to communicate by chatting due to evolution!


Overall, great poem!!! Very interesting to see commentary on and references to human evolution through an old story such as this!! This poem was written so well, and it was so interesting trying to analyze this!! Keep writing :>!!

Hi RobbyBobby! In honor of Review Month, I will be reviewing your work The Genisis Poem

The things I particularly enjoyed:

I want to begin by saying my interest was definitely piqued by the title, as Genesis refers to the beginning, and the description you wrote for this poem intrigued me even more! Glancing over at your portfolio, your other poem The dog poem also interests me because of the similar titles that are so blunt yet creative.
While reading this poem, I really loved your use of words as they create such a clear tone and image throughout the piece. The short lines creates a quick tempo that bounces well with the rhyme scheme you've created. My favorite lines that are a great example of this quick tempo is:

The colour of red / The blood and the dead / The first ever bite / Juice drooled from upright

Even these lines on their own displays a striking image of the first sin, and the fall of mankind. Wonderfully done!
The last line really strikes the hammer down and brings the poem to an almost abrupt closing, but not one that risks the quality of the poem. This strengthens the voice of the narrator as they address the subject of the poem and also addresses the hard topic of sin and the world but wanting to "have a chat" can either be intimidating, or a statement of understanding. Just wanted to note this because the ending of the poem can really change the way the reader absorbs the rest of the poem!

Suggestions and critiques:

My main critique would me to make sure spelling is correct! Genisis is typically spelled "Genesis" and I was also a little unsure in the line

No more sniffing

if it was meant to be sniffing or meant to be sniffling.
Also, with any rhyming poem, my suggestion is always to read the poem out loud to make sure the lines and word choices keep with the rhythm of the poem. A break in rhythm, unintentionally, can hurt the poem as it brings the reader out of the poem, forcing them to pause before continuing on in an uncomfortable manner.

Overall, I loved reading this work and hope to read more work from you soon! Keep writing and God bless.