Hey Kendall! I was looking through the green room for something to review for Team Tortoise and found these lyrics of yours ^^
First off, I'm not super familiar with the song that this is parodied off of, but I did listen to the original once for a bit of context, (I can see why you chose to parody it! it's very fun!) and I noticed a couple of things while reading along to your version. 1) Your syllables don't match the syllables of the original lyrics, so it can't really be said along to the track, and 2) the tone of the language you use does match the tone of the original song, which I love!
Regarding the syllables - if we look at the opening of your version and the original, for example, the original has five more:
The devil went down to Georgia
He was lookin' for a soul to steal
^The opening two lines are 17 syllables total, while your corresponding line is only 12:
Trump went down to Georgia looking for votes to steal.
It isn't a huge deal, and I'm guessing you didn't intend for this to actually be spoken along to the track? I think you just adapted the concept of the lyrics to be about Trump, which is definitely fine in and of itself! However, if you did want this to be able to be said along to the original, I just thought I'd point out that as of right now it wouldn't be super in sync.
As for tone, like I said, you absolutely nailed it! The original has an informal, tongue-in-cheek style (with a slight hint of southern slang, possibly?), and you have all those elements in your version, too. Phrases like "lemme", "lickity split", "Prez", "young'un", and "you son of a gun" all contribute nicely to the style :)
Another thing I really enjoyed is that you don't let the rhyming scheme compromise the sentence structure or wording in anyway! Sometimes when a poem (or lyrics) are written with a prescribed rhyming scheme, the lines end up a bit wonky in order to meet the rhyming requirements. But that doesn't happen in these lyrics :D I especially love the four-line refrain where Biden's talking:
"Masks on the streets, let's get it done!
Let's fight the covid like H1N1!
Let's hand out vaccines lickity split,
but don't let Karen throw a fit!"
The rhymes all feel really natural and, I've gotta admit, the lyrics made me smile xD
If you win, America gets a soul, but if you lose it'll make Trump bold!
That being said, there was only one place in the lyrics where I feel like the rhyming scheme is controlling the content a little. There's nothing inherently bad about this line, and it's really not all that awkward, but I just feel like the phrase "it'll make Trump bold" is lacking oomph and a slightly unnatural way of wording it. Possibly something like "it'll strengthen Trump's iron hold" could be a bit stronger?
and dye came from the vamp's hairline as the wind began to blow.
Aah this is some top-notch imagery here! Such a vivid image (though not a particularly appealing one, admittedly).
and though they talked about fraud on Fox, they sounded something like this.
This might not have been intentional, but there's some lovely assonance in this line here -> the vowel sounds in "talked", "fraud", and "Fox" match (it's a bit like a mini-rhyme). It makes it really melodic to say aloud!
Just a super minor nitpick: your -> you're ;)I'll take your bet, but your gonna regret,
Overall, you definitely nailed the humour aspect of these lyrics. All the little references you had - to popular vote, Karens, etc. - spice up the lyrics and make them entertaining to read! I also loved the quote you included in the middle; very sound logic indeed haha. I also think you nailed the tone with word choice and diction!
I honestly don't have any major critiques - for what this is, a satirical parody, I'd say there's not much to change! I do think it'd be nice if the syllables lined up, so it could truly be said along to the track, but that's admittedly a lot of work and if that's not what you're going for it doesn't matter in the slightest.
I hope this review proves useful, and keep writing c:
whatcha
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