Chapter 3
Something Familiar
Christenson walked up and down the docks, waiting for anybody to return or anything to occur. Unfortunately, that probably wasn’t going to happen. Things were always slow in this town. He hated that.
The black haired young man was the son of the one of the original founders, but nobody cared about his lineage. In fact, they didn’t care about a lot of things they should have. The town was going to be ruined if that kept up. So, to help the fate of his home, Christenson tried to keep people in check. If they were doing something the wrong way, he would step in and show them the proper way to do it. If they were late to something, he would tell them to be more punctual.
But, they never paid attention. If fact, they hated him for being such a tight-laced person. Everybody, though mostly that newcomer from down south, had told him that he was too direct or that he was too much of a perfectionist. He would show them though; even if it meant eventually.
He got to the end of the dock, the best vantage point to watch over the open sea, other than the boats. Sun reflected off the water and every once in a while and he could see the dorsal fins of fish. Farther away, nearer to the horizon, boats could be seen.
“Christenson!” The familiar voice drew the black haired figure’s attention to his immediate right. A boat was coming in quickly, carrying Liel, Aksel, and Mikkle.
Christenson’s calm expression contorted into a scowl. “You’re supposed to be out right now. The day literally just started.” he lectured as he walked over to where Mikkle was tying up the boat. “Get off the dock and get back to work. This isn’t a day off for anybody, including you.” He continued his rant but it was no use. Mikkle was already finished and Liel was carrying Aksel out of the boat. The younger man had a fury burning his eyes that scared Christenson a bit, but it was no reason to back down.
Before he could start again, Liel’s head whipped back around quickly. “Now’s not the time for your self-righteous lectures! Aksel collapsed out there. We need you to go get Ursula and meet us at the house.” The white haired figure continued on his way, running this time.
“What just happened…?” he muttered as he stared back at the three of them. Maybe today something would happen.
…
The family’s three reindeer were scattered around the field, though they were generally in one area. Ursula was in the center of the large animals so that she could keep a good eye on them. She grasped tightly on her halse, the young lady didn’t want to be caught off guard in case something happened.
She stood up suddenly, her eye catching something coming out of the forest. The figure had dark hair and was wearing light blue sweater. There were only about three people in town with black hair and one that looked like the person approaching. That was Christenson.
“Do you need anything?” she called. Her voice was loud since he was far away. But he was approaching quickly, and when he got close enough, Ursula could see urgency in his expression. “Did something happen?”
“Sort of. We have to meet Liel and Mikkle at your house.”
Ursula frowned. “What for?”
“They didn’t tell me exactly. Although, I saw that it had something to do with Aksel.” Christenson said this nonchalantly even though Ursula knew that he was being serious.
“Wait… Aksel?”
“Yes. Look, you’d want to hurry back.” He was more than serious now. He grabbed her arm and ushered her out of the field.
She turned around as she ran. “What about father and the reindeer?”
“I’ll get them. Just get going!”
…
“His fever’s too high to be regular, and he’s completely unresponsive.” The doctor said. His kind eyes were muddled with curiosity.
Liel, pale and clearly upset, lashed out at the older man. “What’s that supposed to mean? Can’t you fix him? I mean, you’re a freaking doctor. You have to do something!”
Ursula gently put her hand on her twin’s shoulder. She was trying to rein in her frustration as well, but was a lot better at hiding it. “Liel, calm down. We’re all just as worried as you are.”
“She’s right. You have to chill out, man,” Mikkle said. He was leaning against the windowsill in a relaxed position, though his face showed nervousness. “If you’d like to continue, doctor?”
The doctor nodded. “Yes. As far as I can tell, Aksel’s fallen into a coma. I have no idea how long it might last; it could be few hours or it could be a few years. I’ve no idea. For now I can give him something to combat the fever.” He paused, putting a wrinkled hand to his chin as he thought deeply. “It’s funny though.”
Ursula scowled a bit. ‘What’s funny?”
“He’s showing the exact same symptoms as Lovisa.”
“Who?”
“Lovisa, Alva’s daughter. The exact same symptoms. It might be contagious, so be careful.” The word contagious froze most of the people in the room save for Christenson and the twin’s father.
“Right, thank you for the trouble. I’ll see you out.” Ursula said as she headed towards the door. As soon as the two were out of range, the twin’s father started to laugh. The sound grew with each passing second, becoming bitter and disturbing.
“What the heck?” Mikkel asked, his expression showing generous amounts of confusion. Wen Ursula walked back in, she was more confused. She took one look at him and tensed up.
“What do you people know? Why can’t you see the obvious?”
Liel turned to him. “What are you talking about? Didn’t you just hear that Aksle’s in a coma?”
The older man started to laugh again. “None of you see it! None of you see the Loçolico’s work here. You’re all fools! Fools!” He got up quickly, and ran out through the door. Ursula, without thinking, started after him.
Liel grabbed onto the girl’s shoulders, dodging her elbows as she tried to pull away and continue her chase. “Ursula! Don’t go after him!”
“Why not?”
“It will only be me looking after Aksel if you leave. It’s not worth the time to go after the old codger. Just stay here and wait; he’ll be back in a few days.” Ursula, taking her brother’s heed, went back to the others and sat down. Something was odd about the situation, but also so familiar.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I really loved this but I have a few problems with the grammar punctuations and etc. But you also did very good but I think you should probably fix a few things and btw happy review do to everyone thank you very much for spending your time to read this review but those were the only criticisms i had thank you for your time
Hey Rei, Flite here again~ I told you I'd come back. So this chapter was quite interesting, a lot of events have taken place and there's certainly some interesting character development. I'd get onto explaining those a while later, for one thing though I like your chapter's length. Not too long, not too short and you clearly know where you're going.
Ok, intro's over. Let's get to it. A few technical details.
This sentence could be phrased better, ending with eventually make it sound incomplete. You don't want to end a sentence with a conjunction, if it's a time period. Is probably best to say that time period. Also, what exactly is he trying to show them? Is he trying to show them that perfectionism will lead somewhere, or what exactly is he showing? As for the latter part, perhaps try, 'even if it meant it'd take a while' ?
Omit the comma in there, there is no need for a pause there.
It could just be me, but I'm a nazi when it comes to character development. I know you've just introduced Christen (I'm shortening it to Christ now) but from what I've seen of him so far I don't think he would just let the matter go so easily. Even if Liel had fury burning in his eyes, I would have at least expected some denial or rage from Christ. But it is your character afterall. Anyways what I want to comment on is that, with the quoted line. First, the ellipsis aren't necessary because his tone has already suggested that he is slightly confused. But I'd actually have liked to see more of Christ's thoughts before jumping onto the latter sentence, some of his thoughts on Liel's behavior would offer the reader both insight on Liel and Christ.
Reindeer? I'm not sure about the topography of this current world, but from what I've read so far is just a fishing village. No signs to indicate that it was in cold climate or something...I'm not sure about this. But I'm pretty sure reindeers are usually kept in colder climates. So, this is somewhat confusing at least geographically. Perhaps you could clear that up for me.
Nice description here.
'Wen' -> 'When'
I see you and I have the same problem with commas, using them wayyyy too much. In any case, omit the comma there because the pause there isn't needed.
{content}
Alright, so I'll be moving onto the content and the major problems I had with some of the events that have taken place in this chapter.
Alright, so here Aksel banged his head onto a boat and sank into a coma. That's fine, I can accept that as a reason because a severe injury to the head will cause a coma. What I have trouble accepting is that the doctor doesn't give an explanation for other possibilities before jumping straight into a coma. Aksel could be just unconscious due to other reasons, such as a concussion, or several shock. The doctor should at least provide the reader with some sort of diagnosis that classifies Aksel is in a coma. I've searched it up briefly, there are several steps for a patient to be officially diagnosed. Not just as simple as the doctor saying, 'ok, so and so is in a coma'. I realize that you may be holding back answers to hook the readers in, but at this situation right now. Is too unrealistic. I can't take the doctor seriously if he doesn't fit the role of a doctor. You don't have to cram the paragraph with medical jargon, but actually provide some reason so it's believable.
This is a website on how a coma is diagnosed -> http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-cond ... n-20028567.
And...
This is a pretty small nitpick, but you didn't say earlier that the man was leaving the town. I thought he was just leaving the door and going into the village, so why is Liel saying that the man won't return for a few days?
Characters:
So far, your character development has been alright. I think I'm getting a feel of what each of the characters are like, they all have a distinct streak about them. Mikkel's the relaxed sort, Christ whom is the perfectionist, Ursula, I'm getting mixed opinions on her. She is somewhat indifferent to most things, but I'm not actually seeing that much of an insight into her aside from her relationship with Mikkel. Whatever situation Ursula has been put into, it doesn't reveal a great deal about her insights on things, I feel like I'm only touching the surface of a lot of these characters. Your plot is interesting and it is gripping but also think about your characters in terms of the plot, make it so that whatever situation they're in. It reveals either something about who they are, or they way they see things in this world. Liel is a prime example in here, I can already tell that he is fiercely protective of Askel, doesn't tolerate much of other people either when it concerns Askel. I know this is that stage where you're still introducing your characters, but you might want to start thinking about fleshing each of them out in future chapters.
In any case, I enjoyed this chapter and the ending was something of a hooker too. Do you imply that this has happened before and they simply don't know it, or has forgotten it? Most of your dialogue is well-written and I like the descriptions in here. I look forward to your future chapters.
-Flite
Hey!!!
Good luck with editing!!!
Josie here to review!
"The black haired young man was the son of the one of the original founders, but nobody cared about his lineage." take out "of the" right before "one"
"Wen Ursula walked back in, she was more confused." Should be *when* not "wen"
So yeah I didnt have many suggestions.. looked pretty good to me! I enjoyed it! You did a good job!
Im looking forward to reading more!
Josie