Chapter 2
Fishing Trip
Liel woke up later than usual, sun peaking through the small window. A dim morning light illuminated the room, and normally he would have thought that he slept almost half the day. The summer sun was deceiving. The small town he lived in was rather north and the summer days were longer than what they were down south.
The young man stretched in bed, making sure that he was fully awake. He carefully got up from his bed and got dressed for the day. In the bed next to his, a boy, about 12 years old, slept peacefully.
“Liel? You awake?” Ursula’s voice pierced the quiet, causing him to turn around.
He smiled slightly. “Yeah. Do you want me to wake up Aksel?”
“Mmm. That would be nice.”
“’Kay.” Liel crouched down next to the boy, watching for a minute. The sleeping figure moved around a bit, mumbling all the while. Liel could never guess what the boy was talking about. Their mother died a few years after he was born. Aksel seemed to be a normal kid despite the fact that his only remaining parent was becoming eccentric and distant. The normalcy included one of wildest imaginations, kept mostly intact by Mikkel and Christenson.
Liel shook his little brother gently; he was afraid with one wrong move, he could damage him. Aksel’s tired eyes opened, revealing bluish purple irises. The older one smiled as he coaxed the other out of bed. “You’ve gotta wake up now. We’ve a busy day ahead of us.” Aksel nodded his head as he started to sit up.
Liel, having finished his task, went into the small kitchen where Ursula was washing the morning dishes. He sat down at a small table set off to the side and yawned. “What time is it?”
“About seven. You’re going to have to hurry today.”
“Yeah, I know. Hey I forgot to tell you; but, Mikkel’s going out with me and Aksel today. He got the front end of his boat crushed by one of the others.”
Ursula looked behind herself. Her expression seemed cold and knowing; it was an expression she wore frequently. “I heard already. He told me himself last night when I saw him.”
“Oh? You’ve been with him a lot recently. Is something going on?” he jeered.
The girl looked up for a moment to think, only to give him a blunt no. Liel sighed, knowing full well that she had lied to him. There was no reason to call her out on it though. He knew to just leave it alone.
…
Waves lapped against the side of the skiff and sunlight was pouring out of thick, white clouds. Seagulls could be heard as they soared above. They looked for any of the fish the nets failed to hold.
Mikkel helped Liel pull in the net while Aksel sorted the fish. There was no real conversation to be recalled, only quiet orders given to Mikkel and Aksel. He was so used to fishing by himself, he wasn’t quite used to making conversation for others. His new companion was known for talking; but, Liel was frankly not in the mood.
Salty water splashed onto the deck with the seaweed covered net. Liel started to hand the small boy the fish. He was quick at it, a skill that was taught to him by his father before his mother died. As he continued to toss them back, Mikkel started to flail about. “What the-!”
“Are you alright?” Liel refused to look too concerned for him.
“Yeah, I’m fine. I got pricked by one of those worms on the fish.”
“Worms?”
“Mm hmm.” Liel gave him a confused look, telling him that he didn’t notice these ‘worms’. “They’re all over the fish though! Tons of the little buggers.” He started to point at the fish Liel was holding. “There’s a few right next to your hand.”
Liel looked down cautiously. The last thing he wanted to do was to take Mikkel’s idea seriously. Lo and behold, however, three spiky, black worms about the size of a pin were crawling all over the dying fish he was grasping. They squiggled around, coming dangerously close to his hand. He felt one graze his skin, causing it to singe like a coal.
The feeling took a moment to set in, but once it did, Liel couldn’t help but jump back and throw the fish into the water. As he did, his foot got caught in the net and caused him to tip backwards. Before he knew it, he was falling with his arms outstretched, grasping for whatever was nearby. He felt himself land on Aksel hard.
He didn’t bother getting up as he waited for his little brother to say something. When he didn’t, Liel couldn’t help but look up. Aksel’s dark violet-blue eyes were glazed over like frosted glass. His breathing was shallow and his cheeks were red. “Are you alright?” Liel asked as he pulled himself up.
The younger boy didn’t answer and instead fell forward. His head hit the bottom the deck with a large thud. The boat shook a bit in the water, causing Mikkel to lean heavily on the side. Aksel’s sudden collapse caused feelings of fright, worry, and desperation to surge through Liel. He felt the child’s forehead, confirming a bad fever. He looked back to Mikkle. “We’ve gotta get back to land.”
Mikkle’s face showed confusion and disappointment. “What for? We just got out here.”
Rage and desperation burned in Liel’s eyes now. The taller figure shrinked back a bit in fear. “He’s got a high fever and just fainted, you moron. If we don’t get him back, something might happen to him. Now get going!” His voice was fierce and commanding, something a person never heard often coming from Liel.
Mikkle immediately started getting them back to port. Liel held on tightly to Aksel. He was scared, scared for what might happen if they didn’t get back in time.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey,
This is an interesting story to say the very least. With out a doubt it gave me some entertainment in 5th period. As well as a distraction from my own personal life which is what I really needed so thank you there. I agree with cricket the idea of fast moving worms creeps me out. To no end... I couldn't find a lot to nitpick so I decided to just do this instead; whyyyy cliff hanger whyyyy! Not only was it a well written cliff hanger, but it was well executed too! Nice writing skills but I'm forced to wait for the next part of this. Which will take who knows how long. It was a fun read however. I really enjoyed it.
Sincerely.
Collideascope
Hi! Cricket here for a review!
I'd love to be posted when you post the next chapter, so that I can keep reading and finding out what actually happens next. ^ ^
I'm sorry to say that I haven't read the first chapter, but as soon as I'm done with this I'll be sure to go read it and make sure I have everything worked out in terms of plot and the like. I'll try to mainly focus on grammar, and style. For the most part of course; I sometimes can't resist going into plot while not knowing the actual plot.
Erm, right. I was reading through, and I came to the worm part. And I was like "Whaaa?" What's going on? Worms can't move that fast, normally. I'm guessing these worms are a specific breed or something, that they would be able to crawl all over the fish while he's watching. xD They sound pretty nasty, though.
Aaand then I saw that you had left us with a cliffhanger. And really quite a few questions that need to be answered. Now I get the feeling that this kid is a little fragiler than most. I could tell from the beginning that you were trying to put him out as a gentle and weaker kind of boy, but I don't think I had expected you to have him taken out to the boat with them. Somebody who is described like that is usually treated special, or somewhere around there. xD But it's perfectly fine the way it is now, as he has this massive fever that I have a feeling that something pretty bad is going to come out of. Also, you left us with the question of his hand. What's with the feeling that took a hold of his hand from the worms? Are those worms toxic or something? I'm a wee bit curious in that direction, as you sorta described like that.
Seeing as he's talking in past tense, this entire line would need to be in past tense. xD
"Was rather north" seems a little indecisive. Either it's north, or it's north west, ect..., Has to be one or the other. Take out rather and it isn't indecisive.
When writing out numbers we usually try to write them out in their actual form. (like twelve or eleven kind of thing) So this would be "about twelve years old."
Comma after Hey.
Here the split with the comma seems a bit jumpy, to where I had to read the sentence over two to three times. How about you add a conjunction after that comma? That would be a opportune choice.
Okay, that's all for nitpicks. There is one thing I will say for this work. It has hardly any grammatical error, and the ones that I did find were hard to find and few in-between. Also, you had a beautiful flow that I couldn't help but admire. Not the flow that jut goes into one different scene after the other, but one that just goes. Like it keeps the story moving along with a beautiful pace, while you still get all the necessary details in. Description in the beginning was priceless as well, and I had this building picture coming up in my mind as I went through that scene. Was very nicely done, all of it. I'm extremely happy to have read a work like this, as I, myself, have many problems with keeping everything moving along, while still getting the details in. Thank you so much for the read. <3
I think that's all for now! Please tell me when you post the next chapter, and as long as I'm not too busy, I'd be happy to review it.
Keep writing!
~Cricket
Yay~! Thanks for the review, I really appreciate it.
The characters all live in a fishing village and their mother died, so even though Aksel is a bit fragiler than most, he still has to work. That kind of why he has to go out onto the boat. And thanks for going over the grammatical errors. I'm always really nervous abut those. And I'm actually editing chapter three, so I'll post that soon.
Thanks again!