Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
Chapter 1
Breezy
Fisherman had been up for a while now, packing the boats with supplies that they would need to catch the day’s bounty with. Children were helping with anything they could get their hands on. The older ones were most likely going to go on some of the boats, if they didn’t already have something else to do.
A side path coming down a hill led to the harbor. The harbor streets eventually led to the back door of a two story building where the harbor master and his family lived. There were smaller houses around, mostly occupied by fisherman and unmarried men who lived in that part of town.
The harbor sat on the beach of the small town, the major gat way if somebody wanted to get to the capitol or any other large cities. Though, most of the townsfolk only ever used it to go fishing in the bay.
“Ursula, could you bring that over here? Thanks.”
A white haired girl set a box of nets onto one side of the boat. Water splashed, making the deck slick with brine.
She brushed off her skirt and looked towards her brother. “I’ve gotta get going.”
The boy scowled. “Just help me until I set off. It’ll only take a minute.”
The girl walked towards the edge of the boat and jumped back onto the dock. “You’ll be fine. Get Aksel to help you; he’d do anything you say.”
Liel scoffed. “I remember the day you said that to Mikkel. Now I can’t even get that rascal to help me out with anything. It’s terrible. You’re terrible!”
“What for? I’m leaving know; I’ve got other things I need to do.”
She turned around and walked off, listening to the complaints of her brother. It was a brisk walk to the center of the small town. The wind was mellowing to a small breeze that was common in the area. About 150 people lived in the town, so it was a tight knit community. It was one of the larger towns in the area also; since it was located far north and not many settlements had sprung up at the start of the small kingdom. Everything in this land seemed so small.
…
“I heard that Alva’s little girl is sick.”
“With what?”
“Nobody really knows.”
“That’s terrible. I wonder if it’s contagious.”
“Right. I think it’s just a common cold.”
“Hmm. You’re probably right. What do you think, Ursula?”
The paler girl looked up from her work, thinking of what she wanted to say. “I think that it’ll pass soon. It doesn’t seem too serious.”
The others laughed at her remark. They usually did, but it was meant to make the odd one feel part of the group. Ursula had been helping out her family ever since her mother died nine years ago when she was ten. The women of the small town had learned that Ursula had been forced into a corner when that happened, especially since she was the oldest of the twins.
A younger
girl smiled forcibly, reddish brown hair brushing against freckled cheeks. “On
a brighter note, I heard that somebody’s getting married. Do you know who it
is?”
One of the women smiled.
“Astrid’s the lucky one.”
Most of the people in the group were starting to get excited. “To who?”
“The blacksmith’s son.”
“Oh!” A younger girl in the crowd cooed frivolously. “No fair. He’s a good one. She’s so lucky. I want to get married too!”
“Who to? You have to find a groom to get married.”
Ursula went back to her work, carefully hanging up wet laundry. She was trying to drown out the conversation.
“Mikkel’s available, right? I think I’d go with him.”
“I wouldn’t blame you! He’s so good looking!”
“Yeah, but he’s a terrible fisherman.”
“That’s probably ‘cause he used to be a mercenary down south before he came here.”
Some of the others laughed, while the oldest turned towards Ursula. “You’ve been awfully quiet there, child.”
She turned towards them, eyes colder than usual. “I just have nothing to add to the conversation; that’s all.”
The freckled girl countered her. “Is it because you haven’t found any one yet. How old are you now? Seventeen?”
“Nineteen.”
“Oh, poor Ursula! She’s nineteen and still hasn’t found anyone who takes fancy to her!”
“No, I just don’t want to get married right now. I have other things that I want to do.”
The old woman chuckled. “That may be true. But, I think she may have already found someone to her fancy.”
The others turned towards her, their faces in awe. Ursula’s expression stayed blank, refusing to give them any sort of answer. The group stayed silent, waiting for any sound to come out of the stoic girl.
The only thing that could be heard clearly was the wind.
…
The sun was beginning to make it’s decent into the horizon, signaling the ending of the day. Ursula watched the sunset through a reflection on the water. Her feet were dipped into the stream, cooling them off.
A taller male figure was sitting next to her, back sprawled onto the grassy bank. Two swords were haphazardly laid on the grass behind them.
He opened his eyes, revealing ice blue irises. “That was fun.”
Ursula scowled, her white hair covering her face. “I was fumbling around though. That’s why I lost, again!”
The man chuckled. “But, you are getting a bit better. At this rate, you might even be able to take down a small child.” He grinned wildly, expression glowing with mischief.
“Don’t say that, moron! I can almost take you down, and you know that. You’re just not willing to admit it is all.” She frowned at her companion, making him grin even more.
“It’s nice to see that you think that, but it took me years to get this good. So you can’t be good with a sword a month after you pick it up for the first time.”
“Whatever. I could probably kick your ass with that halse I use when taking care of the herd.”
The man’s grin disappeared, replaced by a thoughtful yet disinterested expression. “Yeah, that sounds scary. I’ve seen you use it on those reindeer sometimes, and that’s just disturbing.”
“Hah!”
“We should probably start home. It’s getting late and I don’t want to get yelled a by Christenson.”
Ursula pulled her legs up, lifting them slowly out of the water. The young man took the swords and started down a path that led back to the town, leaving the girl behind.
She jumped up and sprinted after him.
“Hey! Mikkel! Wait up!”
He stopped and turned around, looking back at her with a smug expression. “That’s why you don’t take off your boots, girl!”
“Haha; funny.”
“Hurry up, though. Christenson, remember?”
“Oh, forget about that old crow. He’ll yell at us no matter what we do.”
“Hmm. Well, whatever then. I’ll see you tomorrow, right?”
Ursula shrugged. “I don’t know… Possibly. Good night.” She split from the path, leaving Mikkel to himself. It was finally starting to get dark, making Ursula hurry home. She always felt a bit nervous and alone in darkness. Tonight, the wind kept her company.
Author's Note- Hi! I'm new here! Kind of nervous posting this, but also not. What ever. This was a story idea I came up with in the summer, but I just started to write it down. I originally posted this on Tumblr, but I never got the critical evaluation I wanted. So I went here! It would be nice if I did. I really want to improve and you need other's opinions for that. So give me your comments!
FYI- I have pictures of the characters on the Tumblr page, so go here if you like.
http://reii-skinande-hav-squid.tumblr.com/
Thanks!
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Heyo Rei, I've had this story up in the review drafts for a couple of days now. The title caught me eye and I've wanted to review it, anyways, here I am!
'gat' should be 'gateway'. Also, awkward phrasing (I've highlighted it) I wouldn't use somebody here because you're referring to the whole town. People might be a better word choice.
Hmm, so I like your opening so far. The description is not too flowery, but just enough for the readers to get a clear imagery of it. The description described a rather relaxed, clean fishing harbor. If I have anything to nitpick on the start, it'd be the way that you opened each sentence in the second paragraph.
You're using very sequential conjunctions here, using those sentences make your paragraph sound like those traditional fairytales being told. It also after using them for an extended amount of time, amounts to a flat tone and will be mistaken for an info dump. So, maybe describe just a bit of what it looks like a sentence or two.
If she's walking off and dismissing her brother, she wouldn't really still be listening to the complaints, would she? I imagine she'd be blocking it out either automatically or intentionally. Maybe try 'ignoring' or 'muting' her brother's complaints there?
I love the description in there by the way, mellowing to a small breeze is such an accurate way to portray the wind.
'tight-knit' should be 'tight-knitted'.
Is all of those lines needed for the dialogue? Because those lines of dialogue sound flat and unnecessary. The first four lines were repeating each other, and it's a direct answer to each question. So there really isn't much happening, it makes the conversation sound flat and boring. Instead of asking and replying simple question, maybe just shorten it to one precise question. Opening with a dialogue is a good way to reel the readers in, however you need to control what the characters say.
I think you're missing a 'like' there.
There hasn't been much tagging in your dialogue generally throughout the entire piece, is not a bad thing but in here. I think that a short action tag would do you some benefit, dialogue is one of the best ways to convey a character's personality. Through speaking we see glimpses into how the character's mind work, from their word usage to the way they speak. From their tone to their facial expressions. So in that instance, I'd imagine Ursula's tone would be quite an cold if not indifferent one. But I'm not sure! It could be an awkward one, I think a word or two to indicate that would be nice. It'd also be a good lead on to what the old woman said. Because that came out of the blue, why would the old woman know? Ursula certainly haven't given any hints to it.
Very nice contrast, let silence fill up the space.
it's is the contraction for it is. What you want is the possession pronoun -> its.
'laid haphazardly' verb before adjective.
Alright, so that's the end of the technical things. I will move onto the actual story now.
[{The Writing itself}
I really like this idea, you know. I don't say that for a lot of stories, but you've definitely grabbed my interest so far. And the characters are so adorable. <3. I like your overall style of writing, is simple with some description (well-placed description) thrown in. Though your dialogue could use some work, I think it generally works very well. The pacing of the chapter, is however a bit too quick. Especially with the transition between Ursula surrounded by the other girls to the scene with Mikkel. I think that a bit of fore-shadowing with Ursula at the beginning that she and Mikkel was in a friendship would have made that transition a bit more easier for the readers. I'm also curious about what Mikkel and Ursula is up to.
While I'm on the topic of Mikkel and Ursula, I want to say several things about their relationship. At first glance, Mikkel seems to be a very cliche character. Correct me if I'm wrong, but he strikes me as the casual, sort-of-laid-back friend. The relationship he has with Ursula is a very typical one as well, so far anyways. Mikkel teases Ursula in a friendly manner because he's better than her or has taught her something. It could be due to the fact that you've chosen this specific aspect to show us, which also brings me to the question of why those scenes?
Is it necessary to the plot? Does it contribute to the plot? If not, then it is not needed. I can see snippets of information in the dialogue between Mik and Ursula that could be important. There were background information in there, and it revealed that Ursula have certain powers that Mik also seems to have. But on the whole, it was more like a casual conversation. Or maybe you intended to use that conversation as an introductory point for Mikkel. You introduced him nicely, but the content of the dialogue itself can be improved.
Overall, I like this chapter, yes there are improvements to be made but it has potential. I think I will be reading this story for a while.
-Flite
Hey.
This story was really fun to read. I think you wrote it pretty well. Also, I noticed its just chapter one so I hope there will be more, because this story made for the perfect little read while my Computer Applications teacher was being boring. So thanks for that! Of course this is an review so now for the reviewing part of it.
I had some trouble finding an issue in this story but of course being me I finally did, so here they are;
“Haha; funny.”
This is stupid but my nitpick with this line is that "Haha" should technically have a space in between or one of these things - Its really not that important however. Tronks did a great job covering most of it, so i'm trying to review different things so you don't have to read practically the same thing twice.
What ever. This was a story idea I came up with
Yes I'm reviewing your authors note. I am sorry I'm just really bored in this class. As for this nitpick "Whatever" should really be one word.
Okay I'm done trying those were the only issues I had Tronks got most of it, and this is really well written anyway. I hope to read more of this!
Sincerely,
Collideascope
Genki, like energetic?
Fisherman had been up for a while now, packing the boats with supplies that they would need for their daily bounty. (slight rewording)
The older ones were going to go on some of the boats, if they didn’t already have something else to do. (removed adverb)
The harbor streets led to the back door of a two story building where the harbor master and his family lived. (one more)
The harbor sat on the beach of the small town, the major gateway if somebody wanted to get to the capitol or any other large cities. (did you mean gateway? I think it was a typo.)
She turned around and walked off, ignoring the complaints from her brother. (slight reword)
The wind was mellowing to a small breeze that was common in the area. (I get what it means but it reads strangely)
It was one of the larger towns in the area since it was... (slight change)
The others turned towards her in awe. Ursula’s expression stayed blank. (smoother read for this one)
The sun was beginning to make it’s descent into the horizon. (remove the last part of the sentence)
Her feet were dipped into the stream, cooling them. (less wordy)
A taller male figure was sitting next to her, his back sprawled onto the grassy bank.
“But, you're getting a bit better...(slightly smoother but it's your choice)
~~
I liked the story, I thought the world was lively and vivid. The characters are strong, and their names help them stick out even more. The dialogue runs smoothly and realistically. You should keep writing this story, everything about it is very enchanting. I'm interesting in seeing more of the world and characters. The wind sure seems relaxing.
Thank you! This really helped and I'm working on the second chapter.