Fate of a Porcelain Doll

Hey, Rebin! VegasLights here to give you an actual review because last time I just left a comment. This time, I am going to give you more detail to what I thought about your poem and what could be fixed. So let's get started with the actual review!

I really thought your piece was interesting and simple. I loved the imagery that you used it was like a clear image and not once did it get blurry! You have great strengths in your poem, but there is some weak points that I found that could be fixed.

For example, you tell us when the change is starting but that interrupts the flow and could be easily reworded or left out. I wish you would also give more description of the change, maybe how you felt about it or describe the difference between the eyes and lips changing. The formatting was a little weird but it didn't bother me as much as it could have. You are the writer of this poem so it is your call what you do.

Overall, I think your poem is beautiful and is fine right now, but it could be stitched together and have more potential. Like I said, your imagery is beautiful and I loved how it was so simple! Sadly, all reviews must come to an end and here is the end of this one. I thank you for your time and I hope you have a great day!

xo. VegasLights
(Previously Steam1244)

Becca here to review your piece.

I love the imagery you use here, Rebin. The devolving progression of the images is quite beautiful, and you really capture how things can change for the worst. I think this piece could be stronger with less explanation. For example, you don't need to say "it's changing now" or "it's ending now," you could just show us with those images. I like the ending image of a shattered porcelain doll, but I don't think you need "what is that has happened?" and "signs of a fragile heart broken, toyed with and heavy." How else might you get your reader to that moment without outright saying it? Obviously your call as the author. Looking forward to reading more of your work!

Hi there! First off, welcome to YWS! I'm alliyah, and I'm just stopping by to leave some thoughts on your lovely poem.


Imagery & Figurative Language
The imagery in this piece is certainly its strong suit. I liked how you started with kind of classic descriptions of a porcelain doll, pretty predictable, and then we get a few odd details "skin cracking,/ eyes dark" here the poem started to take an interesting turn and as a reader I found it interesting to look for dual meaning in the little descriptions you used.

It's hard to have a poem that is 100% imagery, and while I think this one was effective with the 100% visuals because there was implied action (or rather implied inaction), I think it might have been interesting for the doll/person/subject to do something in the piece as well, just to add a bit of drama. Or like if someone picked the doll up. Those are just some suggestions that I think would make it more suprising and exciting, but it was still a good piece as is.

Formatting
I found it a bit odd that the whole poem was in quotes, I couldn't figure out the significance of that.
The consistent capitalization worked well with this piece because the short direct lines made each word really stand out and come across as pretty blunt, which I think is the tone you were going for anyways.

Overall
Overall I liked the piece, you take an interesting approach to this description that leaves the reader with this kind of scary sad image of a doll that can be seen as a metaphor for a relationship gone wrong or maybe someone struggling with depression. There are two other content comments I have:
1) I don't think the second to last line is necessary. I think from the title the reader gets the metaphor, I don't think it's necessary to spell out the connection and in fact I thought it kind of took away from the scene's description. I did love the end on the word shattered though, as it had exactly the emotional and imagery element that the ending needed. Very nice.
2)I think the progression to "skin cracking" and then "skin ruined" is a bit odd and maybe redundant. It might make more sense to go from "skin dirty/soiled/damaged" to "skin cracking" as that seems like a more natural progression to mix up the imagery a little.

Like I said though, overall certainly an interesting read. Good luck in future writing!

~alliyah

Hey, there, Rebin,

What I see as the strengths in this poem are the repetition of structure leading the reader on a clear journey (we get views of the same parts of the doll/person in each section of the poem as the story progresses) and the fact that we're taken on a journey in the first place. Many poems stick to describing one emotion at one time, while yours goes from happy and beautiful to shattered -- that kind of emotional journey is effective, and it's awesome that you chose to describe one in your piece.

What I would like to see maybe improved in this poem if you have time/will is attention to specificity that could build the strength of the imagery in your poem. Right now you have pretty simple images, like lips stitched together, eyes dark, dress torn, etc. I am definitely able to imagine these. BUT I would be more able to imagine more specific imagery that was given to me. For example, if the dress had a color, if the lips were stitched together in a specific way. NOT EVERY image needs to be embellished in this way, because that would be TOO MUCH specificity, but when I think of imagery in a poem, I think of it as an anchor. I anchor myself to the image I'm given to imagine and then I keep reading until another one forms in my mind. So give me a strong one to carry me through a section, and I don't need the rest of the lines to be quite as strong.

I hope this makes sense to you and is helpful to you!

If you have any questions/comments about my review, please feel free to PM me or reply here.

Good luck, and thanks for sharing!

Hannah

This review courtesy of

Very clever idea

Pretty much what Aleta said. I loved your poem!

I like the theme you've got here. A porcelain doll is, of course, easy to shatter and easy to break, a very fragile thing despite being very pretty. And when you compare it to a person it's also easy to sew the theme of heartbreak in the pot as well. However, I did find that when you said "It's changing now" unnecessary. I think the poem would flow better without this as the reader can deduce by themselves that its changing. The introduction makes it a bit more awkward.

"Facing the same fate as a porcelain doll."
same in here makes it more wordy, i'd suggest taking it out.

"It's ending now."
Like I said earlier, I think the poem would be better off without these introductions. However, this is my opinion and I'm sure other people have different opinions on this.

Not much to comment on besides that, otherwise it's a good poem. Bravo!